happy

Happy D.A.C. everyone!

The real holiday is finally here.

Call me a scrooge if you must, perhaps it is true.

Accuse me of not being in 'the spirit' if you like, we shall agree to disagree.

Now life can go back to normal for a year at least.

No more waiting in line for 15 minutes every time I run into the store.

No more thinking, 'Man I can't afford to get them something' moments

No more, "I give up i have no idea what to get them" moments.

No more ' damn they got me something' moments.

No more ' Thats who I forgot!" V8 moments

No more, "Aw man I got them something and they didn't get me anything, I hope they dont feel bad cause they reallllllly shouldn't" moments.

No more, "Don't I feel like an ass for not getting them anything' moments.

No more songs about reindeer and how shiny and red their nose is.

No more songs about poor defenseless grand mothers getting run over by reindeer(who were probably too busy looking at their nose and wondering what the big deal is.

I don't know who the hell Jack frost is, but if he ever comes nipping at my nose there may be a problem.

What is it about christmas and noses anyways?


Yes my friends, the reall holiday is here. The day after christmas.

Hope everyone has a great one!

All joking aside, I hope everyone had a merry and safe christmas and a super happy new years.


BD

Where is all the fun?

Is it really almost December already? I was walking around walmart shortly after halloween and heard my first Christmas song playing over the loud speaker. Call me a grinch, but I beleive I said out loud something along the lines of "what the F@#@!"


It is hard to believe that thanksgiving is this week, Christmas is just around the corner, and before you know it it will be freaking 2008? REally? Already?

Wasn't it just yesterday we were all hearing about that big Y2k scare?

Computers are going to crash.

Medical equipment will just stop working.

Bank computers will screw everything up and all our money will dissappear.

Gas station computers will mess up and Gas will go for $3 a gallon!

Whew! glad none of THAT happened!

They say time flies when you are having fun. I guess I must be having a blast, but dont seem to recall a hell of a lot of fun occuring.

Speaking of christmas how would you like to get one of THESE?

























I don't know what the official name of these things are. hairless sphinx cat I think?

Wow, do people really own these things? Not to say thats one ugly mo-fo, but I think every pekignese dog around the world, yoda, and ET just started feeling much better about themselves.


-I don't know why people tell me stuff. I used to think it was because I was a bartender and 'people just tell their bartenders anything'. However I haven't worked behind a bar in well over a year but people still feel this need to share things with me that make me want to cut my ears off with a dull butter knife.


Hope you all have a great turkey day, even if you are one of the 48 billion customers that come through our doors on Thanksgiving day.

Jason is at it again

For those of you who may be interested, Jason over at The clarity of night is holding another contest. You can click the link above or in my sidebar for all of the details. However the short version of it is you are to write a story of 250 words or less based on the above picture. He has held a number of these contests in the past(6 I think), and I have taken part in 3 or 4 myself. Besides the creative process, it is always quite interesting to see the many different directions people can get from the same picture. I cant count how many of my favorite blogs have been found as a direct result of participating in these things. So, if you have any interest in writing, getting some feedback or even just reading some good stories head on over and take part. I highly recommend it.

Take it easy,

BD

ramblings

Safe to say I haven't been too active in the blog world as of late. Nothing major to post about now either but a few things that have gone through my mind lately.


-Daylight savings time: I have probably posted on this before but oh well. Can someone please splain to me the usefulness of this? Want to make this useful? Do it twice a week. Friday at 4pm boom, spring forward to 5 and you get to go home. Monday mornings at 6 am ? fall back an hour and get an extra hour of sleep. Current system pointless. My system? Very useful!


-If you weigh 400 pounds and fail to fit into a booth it is NOT because the booths are unusually small.

-Why is it if you have a restaurant with 10 open and clean tables people will come in and invariably sit at the dirty one? wtf?

-The spandex you are wearing however, ARE unusually small.

-Speaking of Spandex,,,,,,umm soooooo NOT for everyone!

-Whoever thought up the idea for these tostitos scoops is a genius! LOVE the idea of these things. For dipping, for nachos, they are the BOMB! Now can we just make some with flavor?
Add some nacho cheese or something puuuuuhleaseeeeeee!

-"Paper" does NOT qualify as a flavor

-I always find it funny though at times disturbing to see how people find their way to my blog.

For instance some of the odd things people have put in search engines lately to find their way here.

"donkey sex with ladies" (or various versions of such)yeahhhh I dont know what you were looking for(okay yes I do, but Im trying to keep the mental image out of my mind). Anyways, there will be none of that here move along.

"whispered zip up your pants".....I have no clue where that came from but maybe I wrote that somewhere.

"mother in law peeked at my penis".......well if your mother in law DOES peek at your penis she probably WILL tell you to zip up your pants.

Funny of the day

Or considering my posting rate as of late perhaps "funny of the month" would be better. Anywhooooo, found this on one of the sites I visit.

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story,of a couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to go on in and shop while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection,she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the car. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public one's. Unable to stand the embarrassment,she stepped forward quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.On regaining to her feet, she looked up and found her husband staring at her. The mechanic however had to have three stitches in his forehead. So this story means always wear underwear or something like this could happen to you.


Damnit, mom was right again! Always wear clean underwear.

Unless you are a mechanic I guess, then wear a helmet.

BD

Goldilocks

It has been a rather odd few weeks as of late. I told you the story of getting pulled over for driving too slow. It is safe to say that I haven't heard the end of it since then, and truth be told Nor should I. Fast forward a few weeks.....

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: "I wasn't driving too slow was I?"

Officer: (enter combination weird/ ' Oh so you think you are a smartass' look here),,,,," Could I see your license?"

Me: "Sure."

Brain: "Don't you DARE volunteer your registration!"

Officer: "and your registration?"

Brain: shit

Me: "here you go"

Officer: "Mr. Donkey, do you know how fast you were going?"

Me: "(exhaling),,,,Just tell me I wasn't driving too slow."

Officer: "No sir, you were doing 72 in a 55."

Me: "phewwwwww!"

Officer: " You are happy about it? Is this a joke to you?"

Me: "Oh, no sir! It's just that I got pulled over for driving too slow not long ago. I have been catching hell for it ever since. If I did THAT again, I am sure my car would disown me and I may lose my man card."

Officer: "For driving too slow? (enter laugh here) Nice car by the way."

Brain: Sweet, we may just talk our way out of this.

Officer: "I will be right back."

Brain: Or not

Too slow,,,,,,too fast......Now I just have to figure out what speed is just right.

If dogs could talk

Sometimes it is hard to get what your pet is trying to tell you. With practice though, it is kind of funny how you can pick up on how certain body language means 'pet me' or "hey your home nice to see you!" It can range from "when you get the chance I kind of have to tinkle"(I am not sure why I imagine Kash to have a british accent when I get that look but I do).

It can be as simple as "I have to go".

or as urgent as "no no, don't finish reading that paragraph and then let me out I HAVE TO GO RIGHT FREAKING NOW!"

It can be as polite as "excuse me, but did you happen to notice my water dish is getting low" to "hey dipshit if you don't refill it soon I am going to drink out of the toilet JUST so I can pee on the floor!" It is kind of odd how over time you can pick up on this sort of thing.

I often wonder if they are only in my mind. However I am pretty sure Kash and I just had the following interaction.


Kash: "hey your home, cool! and No, I DON'T have to think about it to make my tail wag like this, it just happens. How many times we going to have this talk?"

Me: "hey girl, you gotta go outside"

Kash: "sure, but no rush, ,,,,,take your time, get undressed, youve had a long day."

10 minutes later she returns and is back to her lazy calmed down self.

me: "you hungry?" She usually answers to "kash" but always ALWAYS answers to 'you hungry' or "do you want this?"I wonder if she thinks THAT is her name?

Kash(perk),,,,,,(tail now wagging the dog) She follows closely behind me as I go in the other room with her dish.

She watches closely, trying to play it cool but clearly barely able to contain herself as I set the dish down in front of her, then looks up at me again.

Kash: "Whats this shit?"

Me: 'what? food"

Kash: "this isn't food, it's kibble!"

Me: "It's dog food"

Kash: "dude, where have you been all day.

Me: "work of course"

Kash: "and you work where?"

Me: "at a restaurant, you know that."

Kash: "and what do you have at that restaurant?

Me: "The usual, steak, potatoes, stuff like that."

Kash: "Eggs? Ribs? Pork chops?"

Me: "ummm yeah, and?"

Kash: "sell a lot of kibble at that restaurant do ya?"

Me: "lol, no"

Kash: "bingo!"

An open letter

Just something I found in my email box. Oldie but goodie.


To whom it may concern

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet
towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my
every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore
because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt. Who
requested it.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a
wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat
when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God"
on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since
I can now cough myself back to life instead of wasting time calling
911.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it bites me in the ass.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney
has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how
to fix everything.

Another thank you for sending pictures and videos
that take 5-20 minutes to download. Yes, occasionally they are
cute, however*.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there
by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this message to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a
lawyer.

Have a wonderful day, and you are welcome !!

blackmail

I was able to ignore it for a while.

When I bought my first package of Just for men beard coloring, I said, nah I am not getting old. I am getting vain. That's all. No big deal.

When people started saying ' sir' to me: I let it go.

Or calling me "Mr."...........No big deal, it is just a sign of respect is all.

But I guess all good things come to an end. Today on my way to work, I got pulled over. The follwing is based on that event. Most of it is real, some of it was just in my head as I was thinking 'yep THIS is going in the blog".

Brain: Be cool, no big deal.

Officer: "how you doing today sir?"

Brain: "he called you sir, nope you are not getting old, sign of respect. hehe"

me: "fine how are you today sir?"

Officer: "Could I see your license please sir."

Me:(handing it over) "do you need my registration and insurance too?"

Brain: Good idea, just give him EVERYTHING he needs to write you a ticket right away! Hell why not just volunteer for some finger prints while you are at it!

Me: "Shut up!"

Officer: "Excuse me?"

Me: (coughing did I say that out loud?) "ummm nothing, I was just singing."

Officer: "Are you aware of the speed limit around here."

Me: "I wasn't sure exactly what it was in this area , but I figured it was 55 or so."

Officer: "It's 65."

Me: (looking shocked) "I was going over 65?????"

Brain: No fucking way you were going over 65! This bastard is going to try to write you a ticket for something you didn't do that is bullshit! He is looking to make a quota! Oh we gotta fight this! See? I told you Defending the doughnut munchers was a bad idea!

Officer: "you were doing 50"

me: (giving in to the trouble making side of my brain), " I don't think"(planning to say there is ANY bleeping way I was going that fast officer, NO damned way),,,,,,,

"wait, did you say 50?"

officer: "yes sir, I pulled you over because you were impeding the normal flow of traffic."

Brain: Dudeeeee, you got pulled over for driving too slow!,,,,,bwwwahhhhhahhhh! Wait'll I tell ..

Me: You can't tell ANYONE!

Brain: Like hell I can't! Unlesss....

Me: Unless what?

Brain: Well, we brains need things to survive, It is important to feed us daily to allow us to grow and be functional in the worl....

Me: Just get to it already you long winded bastard! What do you want?

Brain: I want porn!

Officer: "Here you go, I am not going to write you a ticket, but pay more attention to the flow of traffic okay? Have a great day."

Me: See? I didn't even get a ticket. And no you are not getting porn.

Brain: okay, but wait'll I tell the blogworld, wait'll I tell the real world! Course in my version your blinker will have been on for 45 miles...bwaaaa haaaaa haaaaa

Me: Go ahead and TELL the blogworld! I have two readers, big deal!

Brain: Yes, but when they tell two friends and THEY tell two friends and .....


And THAT future girlfriend who may discover long forgotten about porn stashed some where in my house is the ONLY reason it was there! Scout's honor!


BD

Blog talk

One of my recent blog finds, Turnbaby of 'And as the world turns' (blog) and Turnbaby talks(Blog talk radio show) has been talking a lot about the urban dictionary and how funny it is. I finally managed to check it out for myself and have to agree. My dictionary dot com word of the day often finds its way into my trash bin unread. This one however, is being read daily. I guess I won't be getting any smarter, but I feel more hip by the minute. Thanks for the heads up Turn.

Here are some of my favorites of late.....


1)errorist: Someone who repeatedly makes mistakes. Says stuff he believes is true, but anyone with common sense can see he's wrong. A dumbass.

Bush is talking on tv again. What a f***ing errorist.

2)Elevision:The act of people in an elevator staring up, uncomfortably, at the numbers as they light up when the car moves. Practiced out of nervousness.

When the elevator began moving, silence ensued as each person practiced their elevision.

Note: I wonder if there is a word like "peevision" or 'wee wee vision' ? The art of staring straight ahead at the wall while using the urinal. Perhaps considering the political news this week we could even call it Sen-avision or Craig-avision.


3)Mouse arrest-
Getting grounded from the family computer.

"That's it, you are under mouse arrest mister!" - Your mom after discovering your pornfolio

4)butt dial-
When your cell phone accidentally calls someone you did not mean to while on your person.

I called her a fucktard. She heard cause my phone butt dialed her.

5)Jill-off-
The female version of jack off: unassisted autoerotic stimulation.

Her boyfriend was out of town, so she got in the hot tub to jill off.

6)Dinner badge-
Dried stains of kebab juice, curry sauce or gravy all over your shirt from messy eating.

That's an impressive dinner badge you've got there. What did you eat, pizza?

7)Work hot-
A person that may or may not be hot, but is the most attractive person in the set of people you work with so you lust after him/her.

Person 1: So this new girl at your work is she hot?Person 2: Hell yeah...well I mean she's work hot.

8)nano-nap-
An unintentional, seconds-long nap that you take most often in class or a really boring meeting. So short that usually nobody but you notices.

I caught myself taking a nano nap on that conference call.

9)Puma-
An attractive woman in her late 20s or early 30s. She is a pre-cougar/urban cougar.

I think that puma just grabbed my ass.

And possibly my favorite one of all

10)Ignoranus-
A person who is not only ignorant, but is also an asshole.


Hope everyone has had a great weekend and has a happy safe labor day.

BD

Michael Vick Jury selected

No wonder he plead guilty.


BD

joke of the day

When girls don't put out!!This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!This is really funny!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.FOR EXAMPLE:One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.lol

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

into the world of the unknown

Maybe it is the alcohol. Maybe it is a lack of sleep. Maybe it is just delusions of thinking I can actually pull it off, but as you can see, I decided to try out a new look. I hate to look closer to see what I managed to screw up, but there isn't any smoke coming from my keyboard and the blog didn't disappear(sorry to disappoint you) so it wasn't as bad as I feared it may be. I see all my links(which were so carefully kept up to date at all times) are gone. That along with my 'about me' (no big loss). I am pretty sure I managed to back all that up ahead of time so hopefully that is an easy fix. Time will tell. Anyways, I have more work to do on it, but so far I like the look at least. I found a cool new site with all sorts of blog templates on it. I have them to thank for the new template. Check them out for yourselves by clicking here.(Blog flak). I think it is even fairly(though I am determined to prove), NOT completely, dummy proof.

BD

funny of the day

I just got this via email and thought it was funny so thought I would pass it along.

Do Elephants Really Have a Good Memory?

In 1986, Mike Hogan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty-one years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mike and his son Owen were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Crazy creatures

After careful consideration I have come to the conclusion that women are all insane. All of em! One of my best friends used to say this to me all the time. I would simply laugh a little bit, nod my head and agree. I had no idea just how right he was.


Exhibit A)
I pull in to work and walking through the parking lot I notice a strange car that I haven't seen before. Upon closer inspection I see that someone has carved the word "slut" into the hood apparently with a Key. I walk inside, and ask around about the car.

Claire:"That is mine"


Me: "Um, well, I know you have been getting harrassed lately. I hate to break it to ya, but someone has carved the word "slut" into your hood." I then back up waiting for the explosion I know is coming.

Claire: "Oh no, I did that."

Me: "YOU carved it on there? Um,,,,but why?"

Claire:(laughing),,,,,,"It's James' car not mine."

Me: "James, your boyfriend that you have been bitching and crying about for the last two weeks?"

Claire: "Yeah"

Me: "The one I seem to recall you calling a worthless cheating bastard, THAT James?"

Claire: nodding her head. "but we are back together now and he loveeeees me."

Me: "Back together?"

Claire: "yep"

Me: "with the guy you said had a 2 inch penis, still lives with his mother, and can't hold a job for more than two days. THAT James? WHY on EARTH would you get back together with that asshole?"

Claire: "Screw you! don't you be calling my man names!"

Me: "Okay, okay calm down, I am just repeating what YOU said last week."

Claire: "I know but it is different now. He is even letting me drive his car."

Me: "The one you carved the word SLUT into the hood of?"


Ohhhhh the irony.


I have always found it kind of comical yet sad to watch someone bash the hell out of their ex and then end up right back with that same person. Men do it to granted, but that doesn't make it any more understandable to me.

Crazy creatures you all are.

BD

Great balls o' fire

If you work outside for a living feel free to ignore this ranting post.

If you live in Minnesota or Wisconsin, or Boston, or the like and it is currently 90 degrees or warmer by all means, tell me to shut the hell up and ignore this post.

IF, However, you live as I do, in Florida and you are bitching about the heat I feel absolutely no pity for you. Shut the hell up and deal with it already! A few points:

1- Attention all you Scholars out there: It is a simple case of GEOMETRY you stupid Maroon! Generally speaking, the farther you move North in this country, the cooler it is. And the farther you move south? You got it, generally, the farther you move south the WARMER it is! Deal with it.

2- Now go dig out your map, google it on the Internet or even grab you a globe. Where is Florida? It is about as freaking south as you can go in this country. Therefore, oh genius you, it is generally going to be about as hot here as it is any where else. Deal with it.

3-It is called, drum roll please, "THE SUNSHINE state!" Not because you will be living in igloos. Not because you need to stock up on your Parkas and mittens. Not because you can plan to get lots of freaking snow skiing done year round. It is called the sunshine state because, what do you know? The Sun tends to shine which you got it, tends to make it hot. Deal with it.

4-This should not come as a surprise to you. The hints after all are all around you should you choose to see them. Go dig out your wallet or purse and pull out your license. Go ahead, I will wait. What does it say right across the top? That's right, "THE Fucking SUNSHINE STATE"! Okay so the "F-word" isn't in there, but give me time, there is a petition in the works.

5-Now dig back into your memory bank if you will. Close your eyes and remember events as they unfolded. You are driving down the road. Your family is in the car with you. All your earthly belongings are tied to the roof or in a moving van behind you. You look to your right and what do you see. There it is, that's right. A sign. Now what does the sign say?



"Welcome to Florida" yes very good, now what does it say below it? Do you remember? Concentrate now,,,,,,,,,,That's right, The SUNSHINE STATE! You got it! Now shut up and Deal with it.

'They' say the heat makes you a bit cranky. I have always thought this was just a big load of bullshit and an excuse. Then again, perhaps it is starting to take its toll on me. Every time someone complains about the heat or asks me "so is it hot enough out there for ya?" , I just want to scream or punch them in the head. My therapists though, being the mild mannered, court appointed bastards they are, frown on such actions. It happened again Sunday afternoon.

A large group of regulars came into the restaurant to have dinner. I, while making my rounds, went over to see how their meal went. I was told over and over that everything was just fine yada yada. And then it happened. Mrs. Lanski, while making polite conversation, asked "so is it hot enough out there for ya?" I had kind of already had this post bouncing around in my head most of the day so I am blaming it on y'all for what happened. It all happened so fast it is just a blur.

Me: "No not really."

Mrs Lanski: (enter shocked look here) "NO??? It's not???"

Me: "nope, I was hoping it would get about 10 degrees hotter."

Mrs Lanski: "hotter, but why? "

Me: "Science! I want to see if it actually IS possible to literally sweat your balls off."

Who could have known a group of 60 year old women could be so prudish? Who on earth could have guessed a preacher's wife would have no sense of humor? Anyone know any other good churches around here?

BD

Clarity of night "Halo" contest update

Well both contests that I mentioned a few posts back are over. The results of the clarity of night contest will be revealed monday morning sometime. If you haven't already, Head on over and check out some of the entries. Some of my favorites and the ones that got my votes are as follows(in no particular order).

Entry #72 "Mr. fifth date" by Dottie Campton

Entry #57 "The End" by Rachel Dimond

Entry #27 "Predator" by Jeff Neale

Entry #24 "The final cut" by Roger Dale Trexler

Entry #8 "Reprisal" by Anti-wife

Regardless of the results, congratulations to everyone that entered. I never cease to be amazed by the countless cool blogs I find by way of Jason's site and or his contests. I was thinking about it recently and most of the blogs I read I found indirectly(if not directly) through his site. It is kind of a "they told two friends who told two friends" type thing. Instead it has been "they led me to two friends, who led me to two friends and so on and so forth. Anyways, thanks to all that participated and congratulations to those I have listed here. At the very least I know you got SOME votes.

BD

ahhhhh life

Is good again!!!! After 45 minutes on the phone with a tech support guy I finally have my wireless up and running. Yay!!!! Like sex, It could have been done in 8 minutes were it not for the constant 'huh's? and "whats?" and "could you repeat thats" caused by my trying to understand the first support tech's accent. It was all I could do not to try an imitation and say 'would you like a nice cherry slushy wid dat?" So maybe I watch too much simpsons, sue me.

In fairness, I imagine him trying to understand my southern drawl was no picnic either and strongly suspect he is typing something about it on his blog as we speak. It probably says something along the lines of "damned deese southern peeepl, what da fock does 'yall' mean anyways?"

Anyways, I am not complaining. I am sitting in my lazyboy typing this as we speak. I think I can pretty much feel my ass getting bigger by the keystroke. This is the life!

Then again, perhaps having the wireless/lazyboy access returned is not completely a good thing. Last week on the Open Mic Night show ,co-host and stalker , regular reader Heather, pretty much told me to 'quit whining about it and deal with it.'

"I have to do so from my laundry room so just get over it." I beleive were her words. I decided to give it a try just to see things from her point of view and noticed a few things.

Phew,,,,it WAS indeed hot out there! And for the most part a bit too noisy. I began to feel a bit ashamed at my whining about it and even feel a bit of pity for heather. Then it hit me, Is she sitting on the dryer while she is doing this? If so, THATS not uncomfortable at all!

I always thought some of those 6 post days she has(not to mention the laundry always being done in her home)had to do with too much coffee or redbull. Perhaps now I have stumbled on the real truth.

I imagine things like the following being uttered in the Heather household:

"Cheeks, damned you! What did I tell you about keeping your clothes so clean?"

"Napkin? you don need no steeeenkin napkin! Just wipe it on your sleeve!"

"Sure J, go ahead and use 3 different towels in a day!"

"Pshhhhawwww! Skidmarks, schmid marks! I am not worried about it at all!"

Me thinks I may be onto something. Somebody call the news stations, I may have a scoop for them.

BD

Contest entries

Well time is already up for the Clarity of night contest. From the looks of it, with 83 entries, Jason had another awesome turnout. If you haven't made it over to read them head on over and check them out. A lot of them are QUITE good. If you DID enter, your work is only half done. Now comes the voting part of the competition, so get to reading. The object of this one was to write a story in 250 words or less based on teh picture I had posted in my last post. For what it is worth, here was my somewhat rushed entry.

Waitingby Brilliant Donkey

My Dearest Charlene,

I feel in my heart of hearts that our cause is just, and in the end the union shall indeed prevail. However, I fear that my time left on this earth is short. We have already suffered numerous casualties and to say that we are getting beat today would be a serious understatement. Rumor has it General Sherman has us surrounded and out numbered at least 4 to 1. Normally, I ignore the rumor mill but the constant sound of incoming fire closing in defies me to do so this time.

I do not fear death for I believe whole heartedly in heaven. I strongly believe that when we die, we go to the place in our lives where we were the happiest. For me, that is the clearing in the woods where we went on our picnics before I left. That place where the sun always seemed to shine, your eyes always seemed to sparkle, and where you gave me the news that a little one would soon be on the way. If I should indeed perish here today, know it will be with thoughts of you in my heart, and your name on my lips. Know that I will be waiting for you in that clearing.

Waiting to see those deep green eyes.

Waiting to see that smile which always touches and melts my heart.

Waiting to take your hand in mine and walk together through the pearly gates.

Waiting.

Love always,Andr


Next comes a contest being run by Mr.Fabulous. In this one he supplies the first part of a story and you have to finish it up in 225 words or less. If you have not entered this one you still have time but you may want to hurry. The beginning of the story supplied by him is as follows:

It was a dark and stormy night. John and Marsha stared glumly at the fuel gauge in their Ford Taurus, which read empty.
“I guess we get out and walk from here,” sighed John, “Maybe we can find someone still up at this hour.”
Wordlessly they bundled up as best they could, got out of the car, and began to walk down the road. The rain had let up some, but they were still going to get soaked. After about thirty minutes of walking down the dark road, they rounded a bend and came upon what looked to be a farmhouse. Every light was on in the house, and as they got closer they could hear music coming from inside.
“Well, we may be in luck, ” exclaimed John.
The couple walked up onto the porch and after a moment’s hesitation, John knocked on the door. They waited, but no one came to and answered. John knocked harder. The music stopped. Silence. Then after another minute, they heard the lock turning and the door swung wide open.
“Well hello!” said.......


At this point you are to fill in the rest of the story in 225 words or less. With that in mind here is my submission.

....the burly man answering the door in his birthday suit. He was covered in hair everywhere but his head and seemed to have been sweating profusely.

“Well? come on in! we’ve been spectin ya! I tried to wait but she’s quite the kinky one as you can see.”

“Uhhh sorry to bother you so late, but our car broke down, Can I just use your phone?”
The man’s unibrow wrinkled in confusion for a moment before he answered.

“oh,,,,the phone, sure, hold on a second.”

“Harold?” Came the sound of a sultry female voice from the top of the stairs.

“You big stud muffin! Is that them? Yall get up here. The oils are getting cold and these batteries won’t last forever you know!”

“No it’s not them” Harold yelled looking over his shoulder. “Just someone that needs the phone. Can you bring it down dear?”

How could this night get any worse? John wondered as he waited patiently and avoided making eye contact with Marsha who appeared ready to kill him on the spot.

Minutes passed which felt like hours.

“here you go” said the female voice now just on the other side of the door.
Harold opened the door a bit to reach inside for the phone allowing the briefest of glimpses of the owner of the voice.

“MOM!????”

Hope you enjoy,

BD

just a quickie

One of my co-workers has been bugging me for weeks to find this Brad Paisley video and watch it. I have heard the song numerous times on the radio and found it pretty funny but the video takes it to a whole other level. Add in the fact that at least three actors from the best show ever being in it allows me more time of denial that Seinfeld really DID end and that is just gravy. Anywhoooooo check it out.


BD

A couple of contests

Jason from Clarity of night is apparently at it again. He is holding a "halo' contest. In this contest you are to write a story of no more than 250 words based on the picture below. Sorry for the late notice on this one. Usually I find out about them pretty early,and pass the word but since I have been wayyyy behind on the blogging as of late I missed it until now. I don't know if I will have time to enter this one myself but hopefully I can throw something together. Whether I do or not, I encourage others to give it a shot. Especially, If you are THINKING at all about any kind of writing and want to put something out there to get some feedback on it. Even if you don't plan to enter head on over and read some of the entries. If the past is ANY indication, you will be surprised with how good a LOT of the entries turn out to be. The deadline is wednesday night I beleive at 11pm EST. Click here or on the link in my sidebar to make sure and find the rules and other details. Good luck!

Also Mr.Fab of pointless directives is having a contest as well. In his contest, he has provided you with the first part of the story and you have to finish the rest. I beleive the deadline on this one is friday sometime. Click here to head over to his site and check out the beginning of the story and all his details as well. Even if you don't want to enter either of these contests do yourself a favor and visit both sites. You can thank me later. Note: Thanks in the form of cash or gifts is highly acceptable. That's Briliantdonkey @ Gmail.com!

Looks like we have some writing to do.

Take care,

BD

edited to clarify: Don't go "check out HIS details"!!!! Rather, go check out the details of his contest. Checking out HIS details may not be recommended for the weak of heart and should be left to the likes of Mrs Fab.

BD

I will title this later part II

In case you missed it scroll down a little bit to read part one then come back to read the rest.

There are certain truths in life that can NOT be denied which I have known for a long time.

- taxes
-death
-If you are running late for something you will get stopped by EVERY red light.
-If you actually DO need to stop, to reach in the glove box or because you have dropped a drink in your lap, you will NOT be able to catch a red light no matter how much you try.

-If you are in a hurry to go thru the bank teller, the car in front of you WILL send the chute thingy back no less than 3 times.

Some I learned very recently are :

-If you have to go to the bathroom, this need will multiply exponentially the very second you realize you are out of TP. Within seconds your body's polite 'ahem perhaps it is a good time to go' message turns into a more urgent 'you need to hurry' message.

Brain: "No need to panic, everything is under control. Walmart is open all night and only 6 minutes away."

Body: " Okay, but hurry will ya?"

I was pulling into the walmart parking lot less than 3 minutes later saying a little prayer of thanks for not getting pulled over. It was 11:59 pm.

Brain: "That is odd ,the parking lot is unusually crowded for this time of night. I wonder why?"

Body: "Dude, you don't have time to wonder about that, get in, get out, who gives a shit why?!"

The smartass part of my brain took a microsecond to realize under any other circumstance the 'who gives a shit' question would be kind of ironic at this point. Discretion being the better part of valor it kept these thoughts hidden.

Brain: "No problem,I will run inside grab the nearest toilet paper, and be home in 8 minutes, you can hold on for 8 minutes can't you?"

Body: "okay, but hurry!"

smartasss part of brain:(unable to control itself) "But hurry?" or "BUTT hurry"?

Brain: "Legs? Go! go! go!"

Ignoring the odd looks of people seeing a man sprinting across the store, I was heading back to the front of the store to checkout less than a minute later. I suspect this is what Carl Lewis, world class sprinter would look like.

If he was white.

If he had a strained worried look on his face.

and if he had to hold it while competing for a gold medal.

Brain: "All we have to do is checkout and we will be home in 6 minutes."

Body: "Okay we will hold it together until then!"

Buttcheeks: "Phew! I was worried for a second that we were going to have to use a public restroom but am glad to hear it is going to be okay!"

I begin to relax a little bit feeling like I am going to make it easily after all.

And then I see it. All four open lanes have quite a few people in them. I have NO idea what the actual population of this tiny town is. I would say AT MOST 20,000 and more likely MUCH closer to 5,000. I don't know what the official number is, but I SWEAR at this moment every single ONE of them is standing in front of me in line.

Brain: "what the HELL is that all about? Eyes! Eyes can you see anything"

Eyes: "Well that lady right there has a really nice ..."

Brain: "Psssst!!!!!Damnit man! Don't you DARE say 'ASS'! Focus damned you!"

Eyes: "okay okay geeeesh! Oh shit errrrrr shooot!"

Brain: "what? What do you see?"

Eyes: "It's 12:03 isn't it?,,,,,we may be in deep doo do....errrr Trouble! We may be in deep trouble."

Brain: "why? what's wrong?"

Eyes: "It's Harry Potter day!"

Butt: "Grrrroannnnn"

Brain: "Plan b, plan b! Buttcheeks, you are going to have to deal with it, Public restroom it is!"

Legs: "already working on it, it is just up ahea....."

Eyes: "Sonofabitch!"

Brain: "what now?"

Eyes: "It's out of freaking order!"


I am still really new to this town. A few things have become quickly obvious. EVERYONE seems to know EVERYONE. Before, I could go months without EVER running into someone I know away from the place that I know them. In the 15 years I was at my last job, I think I ran into someone from there away from work ten times at the most. Here it is different. You simply can NOT go anywhere without running into someone that knows you. There we had a daily newspaper filled with, sports, movies and the like. Here, there is a weekly paper.

By far the most popular pages people seem to read are the 'who got arrested for what' pages. Not a whole lot of 'big news' happens around here. Next monday, when the paper comes out I fear I will see a big headline reading .

"DUMBASS CITY BOY TRANSPLANT PAYS $20 DOLLARS FOR A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER AND LEAVES WALMART IN A HURRY!" Story page 2

In the meantime I won't be going back to Wally world for a while. Also, it is safe to say that of all the reading material that may make it to my throne room, Harry Mother fucking potter will NEVER be invited.


Dear Mom,

I will work on the procrastinating thing.

Love,

BD

I will title this later

Hi, my name is BD and I am a procrastinator. I have been one for about 38 years I believe. My mother growing up used to try to get me out of this habit, but she failed. She trotted out 'don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today' to no avail. I am pretty sure that this annoyed the hell out of her. That wasn't my intent, it is just the way I was/am. I think in some small way she probably wanted this to bite me in the ass a time or three so that I would learn better. I was THE master at starting a 48 page writing assignment the night before class and coming away with a decent if not good grade so she never got her wish. Until now......


You ever get that feeling that you are forgetting something, but can't for the life of you remember what the hell it is? Ever tell yourself something along the lines of 'better do this now or you will just forget later'? I am an old pro at this. It happens to me on a VERY regular basis. The best example I can think of off the top of my head is with my recent commutes back and forth to work. The trip was about 48 miles each way, 5 or 6 days a week. This meant stopping to get gas at LEAST once a week, usually twice. Almost invariably, I would be driving home from work in the middle of the night, and KNOW I needed to stop and get gas.

There are countless Reasons why stopping then to get gas would make sense:
1-It is late, and there will not be any lines at the pump.

2-It is late and there wont be a line inside when I want to buy a coke or something else.

3-Save myself the trouble of stopping in the heat on the way to work to do it.

4-Save the risk of running late to work tomorrow and STILL having to stop, making me later. This happened fairly regularly, though I am NEVER late.

5-Save the risk of forgetting all about needing gas till I get halfway between home and work, a 15-20 mile stretch of no mans land.

6-Avoid the risk of having my gas light blink on right in the middle of this stretch.

7-Avoid the slew of cuss words I know I will scream when this happens and wondering if I can go to hell for my use of profanities alone.

8-Avoid the agony of wondering if THIS is the day I run out of gas during that stretch of road.

9-Avoid any possible hellish combinations of #4-8 above.

10-Please the 'mom voice' in my head that to this day tells me it is a bad idea.

Reasons NOT to stop:

1-I am too lazy and would rather put it off until tomorrow.

That's it, no other reason than that. Yet, over and over again I would do this. Over and over again I would get away with it even when it seemed impossible. Good thing? You would think so, but then again someone who drinks and drives and gets away with it just gets a false sense of security right?

Well the other day I was actually on my way to work early(I LOVE this 5 minute drive to work thing), and passing by the store.

MV(mom's voice): Why don't you go ahead and stop at the store?
Me: nah I will wait till later.

MV: why not? you have plenty of time You know there are things you need.
me: nah, I will wait till later.

MV: tsk tsk, it's going to bite you in the ass someday.

So anyhow, I went to work which was a fairly uneventful though a long busy day. It is about 11 pm or so when I leave Walmart with my few purchases and head home. I walk in the door, play with Kash for a few minutes, let her out of the back door to do her business while quickly shedding my uniform. I turn on the computer and television and get more comfy. I am just settling into checking my fantasy baseball teams and how the redsox did when I realize I need to use the bathroom and head in that direction. It only takes a second for it to hit me like a slap in the face. THAT'S what I needed at the damned store!

I came out with razor blades.
I came out with coke.
I came out with a new mirror for the bedroom.
I came out with tons of food that i took my time walking around and buying.
I came out with two new pairs of work pants which I tried on in the dressing room.

What I did NOT come out with, what I KNEW I needed 9 hours ago heading to work was toilet paper.

Multiple times during the night my body asked me politely if we could go to the bathroom. Multiple times during the night, I told it 'nah we don't have time for that right now' which in truth I really didn't. Multiple times during the night I had PLENTY of chances to go to the bathroom, but(perhaps knowing how much I hate nagging) my body did NOT choose these times to ask if we should go now.

Well it seems my wordiness was not lost even during my recent 'complete lack of posts' streak. I guess I will stop there and cut this post in half.

To be continued

Parts of me

Anyone who knows me at all, knows that A) I am wordy (at least when it comes to writing).



B)I am lazy. Actually, 'lazy' is not the word but I DO love to be comfortable.



These two traits which I don't deny and in fact embrace to a degree have been battling it out for supremecy as of late. Apparently the universe has decided that I have to choose which of the two I prefer the most. Wordiness or comfort? I don't have children, but liken having to make this choice to having to choose between which of my children will live. Wordiness and comfort have been so much a part of my life that they are like twins adjoined at the hip to me.

Several years ago when I purchased my desktop computer and was first setting it up it made me 'give it a name'. Most people, I would imagine would call it 'bedroom computer' or 'John's desktop'. Me? Knowing how quickly computers 'get old' named mine 'The Soon to be obsolete expensive piece of crap paper weight.' See? Wordy even in naming,That's me. Perhaps this is why I don't have children.

Even now, years later every time I log off of the desktop computer it asks me "are you sure you want to turn off the soon to be obsolete expensive piece of crap paper weight?' To which I have to click either yes or cancel.

I had forgotten all about this name I had given my desktop. Since buying my laptop about a year ago I would be surprised if I have spent a grand total of two hours using it. Instead I was sitting on the couch, on the front porch, or more likely in my lazy boy in the living room. Life was good. Life was grand.

Until I moved.

Since moving I DID manage to get my internet access back. Great!



However, for the life of me I can NOT get the wireless network set back up in my house. It worked great for a few days. The only problem then was I was unable to print from my laptop to my printer(which is connected to the desktop in the other room). I do a fair amount of work from home so nothing could be worse than having to sit at the computer desk to do it instead of in my lazyboy.

Or so I thought. Turns out, that while trying to fix THAT small problem, I made it worse.

Desktop set up,,,,,,check.

High speed modem set up and working,,,,,,,check.

Printer in the bedroom(on desktop) working.......check.

Able to print from laptop while sitting in your lazyboy? ......chec,,,,,,no wait STILL no check.

I then received word from the universe. It was/is so clear in my mind that it might as well have arrived via the postman who needs a signature to verify my receiving it.

Dear Mr Donkey:

We regret to inform you( no not really but we HAVE to say that), your request to return to your previous levels of comfort are denied. Allowing you to do so in the past was an oversight on our part of which we are now aware. As a penalty for even trying to do so, not only will we NOT allow you to print in comfort, we will no longer be able to allow you to surf in comfort either. That is right,

no more surfing much less printing from the couch.

no more surfing much less printing from your beloved lazy boy.

no more surfing much less printing from the comfort of your bed.

Oh and that surfing from the comfort of the throne room? Yes yes, we know you were tempted at times to try that as well but found it to be a bit 'too icky' ......Please be advised that should you find the idea 'no longer too icky' you are too late, so you can just forget that shit. Oh yes pun, most definitely intended.

Now that we have been made aware of your unauthorized use of said comforts, be advised that we will be watching you closely. We will allow you full use of your desktop with internet access. However, the SECOND you try to hook up your router and go wireless not only will that not work but ALL internet access(including on the desktop) will be cut off entirely. So make your choice.

Sincerely yours,

the universe.

Anywhooooo, sorry for the lack of posts as of late. Thanks to all that have checked up on me. I am doing fine. Just going through withdrawals, denial and such. Sure, throwing the monitor through the window in frustration had something to do with it as well, but not all that much. Hope to make it around to all your sites soon, even if I have to do so from this lousy desk chair and on an obsolete peice of crap paper weight.


BD

Funny of the day

Thanks to Gypsy for sending this to me. I found it to be rather funny even if slightly predicktable. If I am going to be accused of being an 'R' rated blog so be it. I might as well deserve it. Click here to see the clip. Enjoy.


BD

rating schmating!

Mingle² - Online Dating

I found this link via a recent post over at Roadchick's place(see sidebar).I am not sure that I would agree with this assesment. Then again, I guess I am not exachary offended by it either.

BD

Happy 4th of July everyone! Rather than bore you with something I wrote myself, I will simply leave it at that and point you to THIS post by one of my new blogfinds Turnbaby. I think it says it a lot better than I ever could. Try not to eat TOO much. Drink all you want, but please be safe and use a designated driver. While you are there be sure to check out the rest of her site. I haven't been able to yet, but if her recent appearence on Mr. Fab's show is any indication it has to be a blast.

BD

life imitating blogs

I have to say I am proud. Quite proud to say the least. One of our regular guests came by the Biffy diner today and dropped off a package. Nothing fancy really, just a bag full of buttons which had all sorts of slogans and catch phrases on them. This bag of goodies arrived several hours before I got there so that the morning crew had more than enough time to look through them, pick through them and get the ones that they liked the best. That said, there were still plenty left over for the night crew as well. So anyways, as I arrived for work today, I was greeted by Carla who is one of our morning waitresses. I was eventually informed by Carla about this bag, and began looking through them.


There were some lame ones, but also some like:

"what the hell happened last night", which was quickly given to a couple of servers who have a history of drinking a bit too much.

"My other car is a rolles royce" which had been put aside for the guy who has (were you to listen to him) a billion dollars yet works as a dishwasher.

"Fuck you and the horse you road in on" hadn't been claimed yet but I quickly put it aside for the one waitress who I fully expect to fire one day for following a guest out to the parking lot and asking the cheap bastard where her tip is.

Not long afterwards, Maria came in for her shift and joined me in sifting through the bag.


"I'm not blonde, I just act like it at times" she read holding up yet another of the buttons.

Not long afterwards, we were approached by the morning crew and told "you don't need to look through them, we have already picked yours out for you.

At this she handed maria one saying "Yes I am gullible."

"I am NOT gullible" she protested over and over while people were laughing.
Then she looked over at me and asked "I'm not THAT gullible am I BD?"
I pleaded the fifth and tried to avoid giggling myself.


"Don't laugh too much" Carla said looking over to me we have picked yours out as well.
Aw shit I thought as I looked at ones saying things like "how much did I drink last night." I didn't see any labled "worthless prick" ,"stupid Mother bleeep" or "lazy bastard" but worried at least a bit that they had already been removed.


And then with giggles and smiles on their faces my staff gathered around to present me with "MY" button. On it is the word "smart" and below that is a picture of an ass/donkey.
To say I was touched would be an understatement. There is simply no other reward better than the recognition of your peers. Oddly enough, to the best of my knowledge NONE of them even know about this blog.

I held my button in my hands, looked around and said, "I don't get it, Smart dog?Are yall saying I am a dog?"

Everyone else laughed except Maria who looked at it, rolled her eyes and said

"It's not a dog, its an ass, DUHHHH!"

At this I simply patted her on the shoulder and responded "no Maria, you're not gullible at all!"


BD

mixed feelings

Fair warning: this is a rare (very rare for me in fact) "drunk post". Therefore, any rambling I will attribute to that instead of my normal tendency to ramble in general.

I am getting settled into my new home and I have to admit that it is growing on me. Like pretty much anything else in life, it has its(note to the likes of fringes I just had to backspace and elimintate the apostrophe in that word) positives and its(note: see previous note) negatives.

Positives:

It is quiet out here. UNBELIEVably quiet.

Do I have any volunteers to come drive by in the middle of the night? Could you do things like A) honk your horn. B) yell obscenities("hey mother F**ker get your ass in the house and leave that ho alone" )specifically would help me till I adjust to the quiet life. I think it would help me to sleep in the meantime. Hey what can I say, some people need whale music to relax and sleep, I being a city boy, may need 'city music'.

C)If you could manage to somehow get a police helicopter to hover in my neighborhood once a week or so that would be all that much better. I would sleep like a baby I am afraid.

I am finally getting back to relatively normal. I have internet access, sattelite hookup, and as of a few hours ago even wireless capability. This may not sound like much to the average joe and to me as recently as two weeks ago it wouldn't have seemed like a big deal to me either. However, after almost two weeks without any of the above they seem like huge steps to me. I guess it is all relative after all. As we speak I am sitting in the living room watching the baseball game, and typing this post on my laptop. In a couple of days I will have my new furniture delivered and be able to do so in comfort THEN I will be in heaven.

I could say a lot more, but discretion(or having to pee) being the better part of valor I shall close for now. May even delete this when sober me sees it tommorrow but for now I guess it shall stay posted.

BD

slow but steady

Finally made some progress. Took forever, but I now have internet access and am back again. Still working on the whole setting up the wireless and such. For now the ole desktop will have to do I suppose. To think the thought of using a ahem cough desktop computer cough cough, a week ago would have seemed akin to

1)using a television without a remote. (it should be noted I will watch an hour of the teletubbies just to avoid getting up to change the channel should the remote be out of reach or eaten by the couch.) You say 'lazy', I say 'conserving my energy for more important things'.......tomayyyyto ......tomahhhhto. Or as they are more likely to say in biffy,,,,,,,,,mayter ,,,,,,,vs. mahhhhter

2)going back to using a reel to reel tape.

3) using a vcr instead of tivo. pshhhhaw!

And yet here I am. After two full weeks of doing almost totally without, the desktop doesn't seem quite so awful. I guess what that boils down to, is apparently I have missed all you crazy peeps and must be glad to be back.

Hope to make the rounds tomorrow night (or more likely Sunday) and get caught up. Hope you are all doing well.

Hopefully you have enjoyed the piece and quiet while you had the chance!

BD

Moving

I am in the process of becoming an official BIFFY-ite. I may very well be dead center in the middle of no where. Just kidding. I KNOW I won't have internet for at least a week or 10 days. Have to show them all the other spiffy new inventions first.

Things like,

Running water.....

electricity......

the wheel......

Sliced bread.....

you get the idea.

Quick observations about living in the country that I have picked up on already.

1: Country bugs are a hell of a lot bigger and meaner than city bugs. I stepped on a beetle, and I swear it shook it off and went on about his way. I think he may have even laughed at me.

2: Stars........Kind of neat to see them somewhere other than on television.

3: Remember the questions I sent out to the universe a couple of weeks ago? Apparently, the universe is trying to send me some answers. I am seeing wild rabbits pretty much every night I go to the new house. One was even sitting on my front porch and barely blinked when I climbed my steps. If he is there again tonight, I am getting some damned answers!

Random thoughts:

1)-I'm sitting in Krystals (in my former hometown), typing up this post. The guy two tables over has used the word "exactly" no less than 8 times in the 11 minutes he has been here.

Example: "I know exactly what that girl is like."

"I know exactly where she comes from, her family, friends, her type."

"I know exactly where he was and with who."

"I will tell you exactly what to do."

2)-"I will stop in Krystals on my way to my last trip to the old place(hopefully) for a few minutes" has turned quickly into "it's been an hour and damn I am comfortable, I don't wanna'.

3)- Recently overheard conversation

Jim: "what do you usually get when you eat at taco bell?

Larry: "I usually get a burrito, and two tacos."

Eddie: "Oh man, I ALWAYS get three tacos, and cinnamon krisps."

Jim: "what about you Jenny?"

Jenny: "what do I always get?" (short pause)..............."Diarreah."


If I don't see you before then, have a good week everyone.


BD

Lazy Sunday

And there ain't nuttin wrong with that. I have done very little to nothing today at all. As we speak I am sitting on my couch watching my Redsox take on our most bitter rival the yankees. I headed to Home Depot to pick up a few things to fix a sink at work. I have been more or less forced to become somewhat of the 'fixit man' at work as of late, which if you know me(or any male in my family) is pretty bizzarre. Most men have some sort of 'fixit gene' in them. Me? Yeah, I don't have that and never have. I am not sure if it is genetic or not, but I blame it all on my dad since none of us boys seem to have gotten that specific gene.

At times this really sucks, like when a simple washer needs to be replaced on a sink and I have to call the plumber. In other ways it is great. I mean it doesn't take many episodes of "bd can you change the washer in the sink" turning into "have to replace all the plumbing in the house disasters" to make people (mom, girlfriends, co-workers etc;) stop asking you to fix anything or help them do any kind of fixing job. Now, should a sink need replacing in the other room and I just sit on the couch watching the game, not only do I not get screamed or nagged at, I get praised so it isn't all bad.

Even more so, I take solace in the fact that no matter how bad I am, I am not the worst of em. I recall a time when I was VERY young my oldest brother borrowed a friend of his old volkswagen bug. This thing was fairly souped up for a bug, or at least as much as a bug can be. Bugs, if you don't happen to know have the engine in the back for some reason. Why? I have no idea, but I suspect it being a german car and Germans being known for drinking is more than mere coincidence. Anyways, this thing had the engine all shiny and souped up sticking out of the back and for whatever reason, the muffler stuck straight up vertically off of the engine. My brother, after using this car wanted to fill it up with gas before returning it.

Which he proceeded to pump directly into the tailpipe.

Safe to say he never got to borrow that car again. Like I said, no matter how bad I may be, at least I am not the worst.

I also watched the movie Deja vu.

I considered watching it again, but A)it wasn't all that good and B)it's called 'deja vu' so clearly that isn't necessary is it?

I DID manage to fall asleep on the couch and sleep just long enough to miss the latest installment of Mr. Fab's show. Oh well, now that I have an ipod I can download it and listen on my way to Biffy tommorrow. This being a lazy day, I will cut this post relatively short and leave you with this. I found the link in fabs comment section thanks to a commentor named Grainne. Enjoy, but you may want to move the kids out of the room before playing it.

Hope everyone had a great weekend.

BD

Rabbits a plenty

Alynda has a post up about her new bunny Ricky whom she thinks is a girl. Or was it her new bunny Ricki whom she thinks is a boy? DAMN you short term memo....

mem.....

What was I saying?

To the three of you that read that, thank you. To the one of you who actually got it, please splain it to me cause I am not really sure that I did. So anywhooo,,,,,,alyndabear is talking about getting her rabbit 'fixed'. I still disagree with this phrasing all this time later. Worse yet it seems to have spread to australia as they say the same thing. You can see what I mean about disagreeing with this phrasing by reading this old post which was one of the VERY first ones I ever did. I guess the more things change the more they stay the same.

So anywhooo, Alynda's post got me to thinking all kinds of crazy shit about Rabbits. Picture this. A community(colony? herd? bunch? Flock?) Let's start with that.

Question #1)What the hell is a group of rabbits called?

Anyways, a LOT of freaking Rabbits. All of them going about life as usual. Rabbit couple # one only has sex once a week or month. Do the other rabbits, laugh, point, and say something along the lines of "those two? Yeah they screw Like humans."?

In contrast, Rabbit couple #2 cant seem to keep their paws off of each other. I mean even by rabbit standards these two really REALLY go at it! When their peers get together to talk about them, they can't exactly say "those two screw like a couple of rabbits" so what the HELL do THEY say?


Rabbit girl # 3, is lonely. QUITE lonely and enduring one hell of a dry spell. If she goes to the rabbit community sex toy shop out of desperation, what kind of top selling vibrator does SHE ask for?

If a male rabbit goes around talking about all of the sex he has had, is he considered to be bragging or just considered a to be a rabbit?

If one of the members of the rabbit community happens to be a magician.....what the hell would HE pull out of his hat?

When rabbits tell their children of the tortoise and the hare, do you think they fudge the story and make it so that the rabbit wins the race?

If so, is that really even a story worth telling? It's a tortoise for goodness sakes!

What do rabbits carry around for good luck?

Ohhhhh boy, I just realized two things. 1) it is 230 am and I HAVE to get to bed.

and

2) Man I hope my mom doesn't read this post.

Night all,

BD

How will you be defined

Okay the question for the day is this......How do YOU define the word "extremely"?No, no, don't go looking it up, just off the top of your head. Why do you ask BD your asking?Here is why.

briliantdonkey -- [adjective]: Extremely flatulent 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Well now, THAT'S just a bit of an exagerration!

Mildly flatulent? sure.

Overly flatulent? at times, guilty your honor, I AM a man.

Capable of playing "pull my finger" with just a moments notice? Usually.

Does the hand under the armpit/ flap your arm like a chicken/ fart noise make me laugh? Well, yes but I AM only 38 after all.

Do I have a picture of a donkey farting away the 'L' in "brilliant" on my blog?

Coincidence I say!

But "EXTREMELY"????? I THINK NOT!

BD

whole lotta nuttin

Just checking in to let my three readers know that no, in spite of the silence, I ain't dead quite yet. So what has been going on in the world of Briliant donkey? A lot. And yet nothing at the same time. As you may(or may not) have heard Florida is in another 'Fire' year where half the state at some point or another seems to be on fire. Knock on wood, I have been fairly lucky as of yet. Other than a lot of smoke, and an occassional detour or evacuation(close to me but not affecting me), it has been more of an inconvenience than a danger. We DID finally get a good storm one night about a week ago. The picture above is of a rather large tree right beside my house that fell as a result. Again, no real harm. It destroyed the little shed/canopy and is laying directly across the tip of a boat trailer which was underneath the canopy. There won't be any fishing anytime soon but again it was actually pretty lucky. Had it fallen literally ANY other direction it would have taken out one of three houses. Instead, it fell directly between me and my neighbor and stopped just shy of another neighbors front porch. Like I said, inconvenient, but no danger.

What else?

I have finally taken a small step into the present. I actually gave in and finally bought me an Ipod. That new toy has taken up a fair amount of my time of late as well. I hadn't been much into music at all for the last several years(opting mostly to listen to AM sports talk radio) when I am in the car which is the only time I listen to the radio for the most part. I honestly don't recall the last CD I listened to much less actually bought(have almost never burned one) but I would be willing to bet it has been 3 years or more. Anyways, it has been neat uploading all my cd's to this thing and more or less re-discovering music. I had forgotten how awesome the likes of Pink floyd, The Steve miller band, Queensryche, Hank Jr and countless others are.

Other than that, I am just pretty much up to the same ole same ole(save for posting). Working, looking for a new place to live closer to Biffy, and sleeping have taken up most of my time. However, I am not dead. Then again, I may prefer that option to the thought of packing up all my shit and actually MOVING. Anyways, sorry for the lack of posting as of late. I WOULD say that I will get back into the habit of posting at some point, but see no need to threaten you all like that.

Till next time take it easy,

BD

The moon topples "Growth" Fiction contest

Well the contest results are in. I didn't win but that is okay. Three of my favorites placed in the competition so I have no qualms with the results whatsoever. Truth be told I wasn't very happy with my entry at all. I liked the story and the idea, but the rushed results just didn't do it for me. Hopefully this will teach me to finish a story early, put it away for a while, and then come back to it with a fresher look to help pick out the things that need fixing. Anyways, if you would like to see the original version(which isn't horrible), Head on over to the moon topples(see sidebar) or click HERE to see entry #25 which was mine. While you are there, check out some of the other Entries as well. My favorites were as follows

#4 "Paolo and the Snakes by Seamus Kearney

,#12 "My short story "by Stray

,#16, "Rings" by Jason Evans

#14 , "Seeds of truth" by Songnatrice




Meanwhile, here is my edited, updated version that I like at least a little better.

Catch 22

"Hey Okie wait up! There is someone I want you to meet." Okie turned in time to see Blaine and another man approaching.

"Okie this is Dan," Blaine began, "he will be joining us in the marketing department. Dan this is ….."

"Take a freaking picture, It will last longer!" Okie screamed.

"What?" Dan stammered, "I, I wasn't staring."

"Sure you weren't, that's what they all say. By the way, my eyes are up here."

"Okay, okay I was staring a bit, but I couldn't help it. I'm sorry."

"Go ahead."

"Excuse me?"

"Go ahead and ask. It isn't like I haven't heard it before you know. Real or fake right? That's what your thinking isn't it?"

"Well, I,,,,,,uhhhhh, yeah I guess I was thinking that," Dan replied."

"So go ahead. At least have the balls to ask." Okie replied holding out his hand to Blaine. In the eight years they had known each other Okie had never lost this bet. Not once.

"It's okay, No such thing as a dumb question right?"

"Okay, real or fake?" Dan asked sheepishly.

"Real."

While he still hated it, Pinnochio, 'Okie' to his friends had learned to deal with this common occurrence. It was all part of being who he was. He had even come to enjoy the shocked looks on people's faces.

"No way!" Dan said, trying so hard NOT to look that he felt awkward .

"Way, it is as real as the one on your face. I have a rare disease. They don't know what actually causes it, but every time I tell a lie it grows."

"So you what? You telling me you just don't lie anymore?"

"I try my best not to, as you can see I wasn't very successful early on."

"Even a little white lie will cause it to grow?"

"Yes, which is why I try my best not to."

"I don't see how you do it. That must be tough to live with."

"You have no idea how bad it can be. Ever have your wife ask you if her butt looks big today?"

"Wow" Dan replied scratching his head. "I can see where that might cause some problems. Damned if you do, damned if you don't huh? "

"It ruined my marriage."

"You mean she left you because of your nose?"

"Yeah, that among other things. Have you ever heard the theory 'for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction?"

"Yes, what about it?"

"Wellllll", okie said glancing down at his midsection, "Nose growssss....."

"Oh shit! and IT shrinks? Dude that's harsh!" Dan almost screamed.

"She had the same kind of problem, only when she lies her butt gets bigger. It was a vicious catch 22 I tell ya."

"How so?"

"She asks if her butt looks big," Okie replies ticking things off on his fingers as he counts.

"I lie to protect her feelings."

"Nose grows, other ummm things shrink."

"I get insecure and worried and ask her if size does matter."

"She lies to protect MY feelings."

"Butt grows, boobs shrink."

"Wait," Dan interupts him. "You mean her boobs shrink?"

"Equal and opposite reactions my friend, equal and opposite reactions", Okie replied.

Dan looked nervously over to Blaine sure his leg was being pulled. Blaine could only nod his head in agreement.

"So what happened, her butt finally got so big you couldn't take it anymore?

"No, I LIKE big butts, I can not lie, you other brothers can't deny."

"Huh?"

"Never mind," Pinnochio said laughing.

"If it wasn't the butt, then what was the problem?"

"It was the lies I couldn't take. It was the lies she apparently couldn't leave behind."

" No pun intended" he added after a short pause.

All three men burst out laughing as Okie's nose immediately began to grow.


BD

So you want mundane?

Mist, over at Must get hobby , you know who I mean? The incredibly funny hottie with 4 billion shoes(and that is just the left ones btw) is hosting The carnival of the mundane this week. As such she has asked me to participate. To say I was honored would be an understatement.

That's right "WAS".

And,,,,,,,THEN I looked up "mundane" at dictionary.com.

Mundane: 2) common; ordinary; banal; unimaginative.

Awwwww Mist, you always know JUST what to say to tug at my heart strings and make me go all teary eyed. Anywhooo, on with the show.

What the hell is it with memories? More specifically with a person's memory? It is such a wierd thing how the human brain(or at least the space where a brain is SUPPOSED to be in some of our cases) works. I mean how is it that I can clearly remember the extremely ugly shirt I wore to school for my 5th grade picture day and yet, I have NO idea what the hell I just walked into the kitchen for 6 seconds ago. Once you get to the kitchen and realize you have forgotten what you came in there for what now? You can stand there for 25 minutes racking your brain on it and come up empty. Yes yes, I AM presuming that you either A) do the same thing or B) will humor me and say you do.

OR

You can walk BACK into the room you were originally in and POOF the memory comes right back. Why IS that? This should either NOT work or it should work for ALL things. Walk by a room where you once had sex BOOM you should have an instant memory so powerful it triggers an orgasm! Or at the very least a sudden urge to smoke a cigarette and or fall asleep. Sure you would have to carry an extra pair of shorts all the time but still, Fair is fair damnit!


Jokes: Why is it I can remember in excruciatingly boring detail my co-worker's story of her visit to the hair salon which happened 4 years ago? Yet let someone tell me the funniest joke ever and I have NO shot of remembering it when needed. Three days later someone asks "so you know any good jokes?" and what do you know I come up empty. The best I can do is "white horse fell into a mud puddle" or "did you hear about the dumbass that went into the kitchen and forgot what he was going in there for?"


Talking: Have you ever been talking to someone and forgotten what the hell you were about to say? THIS is bad.
....

.....

......






Eventually I have to give up and ask ummmm "what was I talking about"? THIS is worse.

To which the inevitible response is along the lines of "I have no idea" . Doesn't ANYONE listen to me????? Hello??? is this thing on???

Anyone, anyone? Beuller,,,,,,beuller?

And yet, when you WANT to forget about something? Fuhhhhgedaboudit! Ever get a stupid song caught in your head. The smurfs theme song? "Wheels on the bus go round and round?" Ever catch yourself singing that song for 3 days at a time? You can try to sing something else. You can watch tv, go for a jog, or any other attempted remedy but you are shit out of luck right? There is ONLY one way to cure this. You must for some reason 'pass the song onto someone else" like a common cold. And you can't cheat either. You can't simply walk up to Fred in accounting and suggest he start singing the smurf song. You instead have to walk by fred, subtly humming the smurf song and cause HIM to subcounciously think about it till he is singing it. Those are the rules! I don't know why? I just know it is so. And by the way to all my fellow workers who kept looking at me funny the other day,

In fact, I DO feel pretty.

I DO feel witty.

I DO feel pretty, and witty, AND BRIGHT!

For more mundane thoughts be sure to click on the links at the beginning of this post.

BD

Weekend wasn't a complete loss

All in all I had a fairly good weekend. First, I bought season five of "The shield" and watched it all the way through in two days. Needless to say, I didn't get off of my couch very much except to try and figure out what I just did with the damned remote!

Second,The "Growth short fiction" contest over at The moon topples(see sidebar or a couple of posts back for the link) deadline has passed. I ended up submitting a story though truthfully I am not all that happy with it. Especially since I couldn't work out a lot of the details till almost the last minute but that is noone's fault other than my own. One of the rules is each entry is to remain anonymous until the voting is closed. Therefore, I can't send you over to my specific entry or post it here yet. I DO suggest if you are looking for some new stories that you head over and check them out though.

Third, and perhaps most importantly I fulfilled my quota of sophmoric humor.

For now.

I finally managed to get my new avatar thingamabob to work that I was talking about yesterday. I was actually hoping to get it put in the header, but like it better where it ended up in the sidebar now that I see it. Anyways, a friend of one of my 3 readers(suz) put that together for me a while back so I can't take a single bit of the credit for it at all. Thanks a lot JJ(and Suz), I DO much appreciate it!

Fourth, The very much esteemed mist is hosting the Carnival of the Mundane on the 11th. Wheter it is because noone else volunteered or she sent me the invite by accident I don't know, but she has asked me to participate which I will. Stay tuned for that.

Fifth, I finally, FINALLY managed to do some updating in the bloglinks department. For those that have been waiting a while I apologize but I think I got most if not all of the ones I had been meaning to add. (probably not, but that is what I am telling myself).

Have a good tuesday all,

BD

new logo test run

A while back someone sent me this logo. I have been trying to figure out how to get it on the blog ever since. He is SUPPOSED to fart and cause one of the "L" s to disappear so we will see if it works. If not, and anyone smarter than me knows how to make this work I would love to hear it. Better yet if you know how to make it my header that would be even better.

BD

Edited to add: Well that didn't work. Oh well. I DID, thanks to the not so subtle reminder in comments by my favorite stalker Heather, finally manage to add a LOT of way overdue links.

Lazy my arse!

Just busy ,,,,,,allllllll the time yeah all the time. Thats the ticket.

BD