Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Open mouth insert foot

Open mouth, insert foot…..

So I am at work a couple of weeks ago. I tend to work the morning/lunch shift which means setting up the whole restaurant. Brewing tea, coffee, cutting lemons, setting tables and all kinds of other meaningless stuff like that. During the shift things are starting to get fairly busy. Busboys are running back and forth clearing tables. Hostesses are seating people as fast as they can come in the door. The cooks are in the kitchen flipping burgers, steaks, Salmon and the like. Servers including myself are running back and forth filling tea, taking orders, making change etc; yep its just another day at what I refer to as Hellay(aka Hell “A” aka my morning job). Anyhow things begin to slow down some to where we can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. Eduardo probably our best cook in the kitchen, comes out from behind the line to get himself a drink. A new girl has started working in the kitchen. She walks by us and I say in a remarkably good impression of him “Si or No?”

(A little background)
I have been working there for almost 3 years and Eduardo who is our best cook was working there long before I started. He and I generally joke around in one way or another and get along pretty dog gone well. On any given day it is not uncommon at all for him to walk up to me(and others as well) and pointing to this waitress or that one will say simply “Si or No?” This is his way of asking (and I will be much more politically correct then he intends it when he says it) “would you be interested in getting to know that young woman there?” He doesn’t discriminate mind you, he asks it about not only the ‘hot girls’ but the ‘not so hot and even border line repulsive” ones as well at varying times. Generally speaking I hear him in these discussions and ignore it usually with a roll of the eyes, a shake of the head, and just walk away. Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means a saint, but I guess I have matured a bit in my old age and (with some exceptions) don’t think of women like that. Or at the very least If I do I try to have a bit more couth about it..

So anyways that day for some reason ,either the pig in me was making one of it's rare appearences or more likely i was angry at the entire species of creatures known as women at the time (neither of which makes it excusable by any means) . Anywhooo as the new girl walks by us in the kitchen I look at Eduardo and say (like I said in a rather good impression of him) “Si or No?” Now, mind you I speak a little bit of Spanish but am not by any stretch of the imagination fluent at all. However, any red blooded American male worth his salt who has learned some Spanish(or any language for that matter) probably learned how to say a few of the curse words. That is just the way it is right? So I am sitting there expecting him to say “oh si’ or “hell yeah” or something to that effect. Instead his entire demeanor changed. It was like watching the Mexican exorcist or something. He started rattling off stuff in Spanish at 200 miles and hour. I heard Pendayho, and maticon and punto and various other words that I knew were cuss words even if I don’t know how to spell them. As Eduardo stormed away, went back behind the cook’s line and returned to his work, I thought okay what the hell was that? I had no idea what he was saying which word meant what exactly or why, but thought man he reallllly does NOT like her at all!

I have never seen Eduardo mad before that I can recall, so I started thinking maybe this is his ex-girlfriend or something like that. Oh well I thought, and went back to working the shift and life went on as normal for the most part. As the shift ended I am sitting in the office, counting out the money that I owe the house and preparing to check out for the day. Terry the manager on duty comes in the office to take my money and makes a comment that something has got Eduardo pissed off and he wonders what the hell that is all about. I thought I had some idea about it and started to tell him when just then the new girl walks into the office to get ready to leave herself and look at the schedule. Seeing her, I pretty much bit my lip and went about checking out. Terry turns around and seeing her says “oh hey Maria, you getting used to the place? Anything you need help with don’t be afraid to ask.” He goes on to say, ‘have yall met? This is Rob, Rob this is Maria , Eduardo's Wife she will be working with us for a while.” In the words of homer simpson, DOH! Which I believe is Spanish for “ohhhh shit!”

Wednesday, February 01, 2006



Random thought for the day: don’t forget to spay or neuter your pets, Bob barker from the price is right as urged people to do this for years. As an animal lover I agree with the whole concept but my question is this. When you take your dog for instance in to get spayed or neutered (I can never remember which is which), why oh WHY do we say ‘yep I’m taking scruffy in to get fixed”?
Let’s view this quickly through the day in the life of scruffy. Scruffy wakes up one morning ….. He greets his owner yawns, makes a quick trip to the water bowl…..Lays around the house for a bit……Thinks, hmmmm maybe I had a bit too much of that water looks over at his owner with a “ummm you better let me out’ look…… Heads outside, rolls around in some leaves,,,,greets his favorite tree by hiking his leg, ahhhhh MUCH better!,,,,, tries to say hello to the cat who ignores and avoids him as always,,,,, that’s okay I didn’t like you ANYWAYS you stuck up bitch!”….comes back inside ”,,,,lays around the house some more….

Strolling around the house spots his favorite pillow laying there on the floor….

Turns on the charm full blast and says in his most masculine doggy voice,,,, “hey baby,,,,,whats YOUR sign” …. “you know…. you are looking particularly fine today’,,,,, ,,,,notices the pillow didn’t run away like the cat…..mistaking this for intrest he mounts it and begins humping when he realizes,,,,, wait,,,,,something,,,,, something just isn’t quite right here…… adjusts his position and begins going to town yet again. What the hell???? ……runs to the bathroom to check himself in the mirror….cusses because he cant reach it …..then realizing wait “I DON’T NEED NO STINKIN MIRROR!” Heads back into the living room glancing at his owner as he passes,,,, gloats ‘you got opposable thumbs but I can LICK mysef so hah!” ……Lays down and begins to check out the merchandise…… “ARRRRRRRRGH!!!!!”….

Now I ask you ,,,,,is scruffy saying “oh okay I got fixed?” ORRRRR is he screaming “oh shit, I got BROKEN!!!!”

Is he thinking “dear sweet owner of mine thank you for getting me fixed’ orrrrrr is he thinking “ You bastard, wait till I poop in your slippers!”

Is he thinking “I loveeeee the price is right’ orrrrrrrr “SCREW YOU BOB BARKER!”

Fixed? I think not!