Saturday, December 30, 2006

sign sign everywhere a sign

I was in my car the other day doing a bunch of errands on my day off. As I pulled up to the red light something made me look over to my right at the car(actually a minivan) that had just pulled up next to me. It was just your standard, run of the mill mini van. On the side of the door was one of those little magnetic signs you see all the time. Some say 'avon salesman' , 'Joe blows crab shack', Radio shack.....whatever you get the picture. This one had a picture of those big machines that kids climb into and jump around in. I seem to recall these being called a 'moonwalk' in my younger days. Anyways, apparently this car belongs to a family that rents these things out to people who may be having a birthday party or the like. I found that fairly interesting, but all in all it was no biggie. The name of the company was 'Terry and Alice's bouncy toys' or something to that effect.

Again, no biggie.......

However, the way the sign was printed it showed a really large T ..........followed by a much smaller 'erry' with again a much larger A followed by smaller fonts 'lices'. Kind of like this only bigger of course:

T erry & A lice's
giant bouncy toys
available for group parties,get togethers
call 555-5555

Again,,,,,,,no biggie.

As the light turned green and the minivan pulled away though it only took a few seconds before the only thing that was visible was T & A bouncy toys.

Maybe I am just loony(I have admitted to this many times before), but I found this to be quite comical. The 'moonwalk' in my mind from my childhood memories was suddenly replaced by a giant blowup doll.......

I can picture the invitations.........Junior will be 12 this year. We hope you will join us in celebration. There will be food, drinks, and T&A toys will be brought in as well......

I wonder how many fathers who normally send the moms and kids to such things would actually show up for this party in hopes of finding a lil T and perhaps a bit of A as well?

I envision even the dead beat dads out there would show up.....

I wonder how many mom's would say "hmmmm giant T&A toys, size don't matter my arse!" and quickly dialed the number to say they would be there?

I see instead of a load of children bouncing around in delight, a group of parents doing the same as their children play pin the tail on the donkey.

Like I said, my mind just goes off on tangents like that.......calle me crazy, you wouldn't be the first.


Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Two birds, one stone, a post Christmas post part one

I hope everyone had a very merry and safe Christmas. Me? Mine was so so. As usual, I ended up working. It was in a different place than I have been for the past several years so I guess that is a step in the right direction. The ironic(in a 'piss you off sort of way') part is I was at the last place for almost 15 years. The whole time I pushed to be closed on either Thanksgiving or Christmas if not both. This year I move on, and what do you know? THEY were CLOSED this year. S.O.B's!

Anyways, it was busy, quite busy as expected. This caused me to wonder as I always do this time of year if anyone cooks at home for the holidays anymore. But I am not whining, at least not as much as I usually do. I handled it fairly well in fact. All in all, it really wasn't all that bad. I think I even managed to avoid giving the 'what the HELL are you doing here today, it is YOUR FREAKING fault I am working you bastard' death stare to all but a very few people. Those few, if mind reading is anything BUT a myth will be staying home next year and cooking a tv dinner I think.

That said, my Christmas was all in all pretty darn good. I got a fair amount of clothes, and other things that I needed. Some of the clothes were too big, some of them were too small and some of them are flat out ugly to tell the truth.

Best of all though, I got to spend time with someone I care a great deal about. I may have to start calling her 'Goldilocks' cause as usual unlike the aforementioned world's ugliest sweater, she fits just right so I am happy. We watched a movie,"The whole nine yards" and it was pretty good, but the company was outstanding so I tip my cap to Santa on that one.

What else? I managed to kill two birds with one stone over the holiday weekend. I have always contended that I am so NOT a good present picker outer. I have almost ZERO imagination when it comes to this sort of thing. In fact, the ugly sweater I mentioned above, I am fairly certain it is the one I gave to someone else in the family 4 years ago. A re-gifter is in our midst! Of this I have NO doubt. The only question is how many? I wonder if this ugly sweater was passed around twice before unwittingly being given back to me. It is utterly imperative that I find this out. Any ideas on how I can do that please leave in the comment section. No, no, I am not going to cuss anyone out. You won't need to feel responsible for anyone getting in trouble. I just need to know because SOMEONE is getting it next year, and I want to make sure it isn't someone that has had it before. That would be just wrong! See? think of your ideas as a public service to them. So anyways, like I said, I am a lousy gift picker outer.

I have mentioned in a number of posts that my new work location is out in the middle of no where. "Biffy"(B.F.E) as I call it, really does not do this place justice. You know how people make pollack jokes? Have you ever wondered who polish people make their jokes about? You know how people make blonde jokes? Who do Blondes make jokes about? These are mysteries that I still as of yet do not know the answer to. However, if you were ever wondering who people living in B.F.E. talk about when they are saying someone lives in the middle of no where I think I have found the answer. They speak of MY Biffy. Of this I am fairly certain. So anyways, there I am doing some last minute gift shopping. For purposes of clarification, in the world of briliant donkey last minute gift shopping means ummmmmm ALLLLL of it.

Procrastinate,,,,,,,it is what I do.

to be continued

Two birds, one stone, a post Christmas post(part deaux)

So there I am finally having finished all my shopping and proud of myself for not losing it in the middle of wally world. Promising myself next year I would NOT wait until the last minute. KNOWING I am lying, but lying to myself just the same. Then it hits me. That 'what the hell am I forgetting' feeling I had the whole time I was in the store was finally explained. I was supposed to get the 20 or so fellow employees at work a card and a little something. Nothing big, nothing major just a little something that would allow me to hope the whole 'it is the thought that counts' thing not being just a load of bull would do. While in Wally world, I remembered the cards, and had intended to buy a little small candle thingy or something like that. Yet here I was driving home with nothing like it so now I am cussing at the thought of going back in that store.

With every word that comes out of my mouth, I envision Santa shaking his head and pulling back one gift. I suspect a few of the words may have even caused him to make sure I got the sweater again.

And then there it was. A big blue and yellow beacon in the sky.

My savior.

A Blockbuster store, right next to walmart.

Brain:But gift cards are soooo impersonal!

me: Says who? I LOVE gift cards, have you ever seen someone return one?

Brain:but blockbuster?

Me: sure! who doesn't like a good movie?

Brain: the candle idea was a good one, you just don't want to go back in wally world! tsk tsk
I have to say I am quite dissappointed. Just when I thought your were ready to get into the spirit of Christmas and do something really nice and thoughtful too.

Me: Arrrghhh! Okay we can go back to wally world, but don't make a habit of pulling this guilt trip shit on me!

Brain: Good, it is the right thing to do.

Me: You do realize this causes other problems dont you? I don't want to hear it in a while when you start to complain.

Brain: Complain? me? about what?

Me: The candle thing has other problems.....If there is anything we do worse than picking gifts, it is wrapping them and this means trying to wrap 20 little oddly shaped things.

Brain: and?

Me: Anddddd, this means twenty different times you trying to instill some sort of coordination into the fingers. Twenty potential times you will have to get upset when they ignore your instructions and put the paper on inside out. Twenty potential times you will have to tell them to stop laughing and goofing off and get the job done, so we can get some rest. But you are right 'it IS the right thing to d......

Memo from: Brain

Memo to: arms, feet, hands, anyone else that will listen

Subject: Urgent message

"Blockbuster is ahead on the right, turn fools turn!!!!!!!"

So, 10 minutes and several $5 blockbuster gift cards later I sat at home stuffing envelopes and happy with myself. That reverse psychology class I took really comes in handy once in a while.

The next day at work I hand out the cards, each with a gift card in them. My nephew pulls me aside,and can't stop laughing.

Finally, he pulls himself together enough to say one of our catch phrases:

"You are in Biffy now"

This is something we always say to each other when we see something 'small townish'.

For example:

see someone driving down the road on a lawn mower......"you're in Biffy now"
see the latest newspaper edition hit the stands(once a week btw)....."you're in biffy now"
customer asks to put up a 'lost pet' sign that turns out to be for a pig named mable?

"you're in biffy now"

So I look at him, not comprehending, thinking he has just seen something small townish and is about to tell me about it.

"you know, I am not complaining, (enter more laughter here) but you of all people will be able to appreciate this."


"Ummm,,,,,,Biffy? Biffy doesn't have a blockbuster. "

"What? Who on earth does NOT have a blockbuster."


"But, but" I stammer,,,,"But they have a walmart! EVERY walmart has a blockbuster right next to it! You can't have a walmart and not have a blockbuster beside it! It is like peas without the carrots, peanut butter without jelly, it is just a fact of life! It is a LAW damnit! Who the hell doesn't have a Blockbuster?"

"Like I said, Biffy, Those laws don't apply here, How many times do I have to tell you Biffy is a whole other world" he smirks at me.

I am convinced he is pulling my leg, so I google it in my cellphone thinking surely even if Biffy doesn't have one, there HAS to be one within one of the next small towns over.

As it turns out, the nearest Blockbuster is 38.5 miles away from biffy. I feel a commercial coming on here:

Blockbuster gift card: $5.00
hour and a half spent going to and from: $9.00(even for a min wage worker)
Gas for your trip: $8.00
Cost to do it all again to return movie(even on time): $23.00

Proving beyond a shadow of the doubt I am the worst gift picker outer ever AND that
Biffy truly IS in the middle of NOOOOwhere: Priceless!


Saturday, December 23, 2006

We have moved(temporarily)

If you are looking for a post from me here I am guest blogging over at Cardiac Fantasies today. Head on over, and check out the awesome list of guest bloggers he has lined up this week.

Oh, and check mine out too while you are there.

Edited to add: apparently there have been technical difficulties. His email is fighting with my email or something like that who knows? Anyways I just resent it his way so hopefully it works this time


Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Ramblings about blogs

In the comments section of my latest post Michael over at the Cardiac E.R invited me to be a guest blogger on his blog. He wrote :

:::BD, you are formally invited, (with witnesses present) to be a Guest Bloggger at the Cardiac ER. Let me know.Michael :::


Michael I accept and would be glad to do so.


If I can screw up YOUR blog, and prove that screwing up mine is no fluke maybe I can start my own business.


Trying to follow up the like of fringes, and Mist. I ain't skeered! Terrified perhaps would be more like it. Guess I will find out how that william wong(I think that was his name) guy of American Idol infamy felt. Knowing I will be the worst of the bunch and moving forward anyways..........Good therapy or Bad strategy? I don't know, stay tuned.


You said, Quote "with witnesses present". And did so on MY blog. Just an FYI, this is Briliant donkey. What you meant was 'witness' as I only have one reader. Thanks mom!


Thanks for the invite.

In other blog related rambling stuff:

I have finally done caught up on some of the administrative stuff that I have been putting off.
A number of new links have been added to my sidebar, so if you are looking for other fabulous blogs to read I invite you to check them out. To those of you who should have had a link added long ago, my apologies for it taking so long. Six days till Christmas and I haven't bought one single gift yet. Procrastinate,,,,,,,,it is what I do.

Wow, I just went back and re-read that last statement. "I have finally done caught up....." Did I really just type that? I have mixed emotions about reading that statement. 1)My high school Grammar teacher would poop his pants and 2)Shit, working in Biffy(B.F.E) is starting to rub off on me!

Thanks to Christine from Ramblings of a Gypsy Soul and Fringes of sarcastic fringehead for telling me about bloglines. For the two people left out there who don't know about this check it out. All your favorite blogs listed in one place with alerts to when they are updated! This could be a Nifty little tool!

whoa! (enter horror flashbacks of my first three sexual experiences here!)

Is there a program out there to do the same thing as far as tracking comments?

I have a confession to make:

I AM a computer idiot! HTML, RSS, and all that stuff? I just don't get it. Truthfully I probably understand it more than I give myself credit for, but fear screwing something up more than anything. For example when I recently changed over to the new blogger beta, I somehow managed to lose all kinds of stuff(technorati, a few links etc;). Most of it is fixed but who knows what I may discover is missing tomorrow?

Anyways, I have been thinking for a while about adding or changing the main picture on my blog. You know like a logo type thing. There are a few problems with that:

1)I really am not sure what I want though am thinking along the lines of a cartoon of a donkey( Ass) wearing a cap and gown and perhaps even kicking that extra "L" in brilliant out of the way. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

problem 2) I have less than zero Artistic ability so drawing something like that myself is clearly out of the question. Any ideas there?

problem 3) IF I CAN find such a picture/drawing I have no idea how to change it and add it to the blog In place of or near the title page.

Other than that I don't see a problem at all. Lol

until next time,


Monday, December 11, 2006

dissappointed to say the very least

This is like Pete Rose all over again. As a Kid Pete Rose, also known as 'Charlie Hustle' was one of my biggest heroes. I had posters, I had cards,

and pictures........

and pictures of cards.......

As a baseball player, I tried to hit like him. I tried to run like him. I tried(usually unsuccessfully) to slide like him. Pete Rose was to say the least, the man!

Finding out he had been betting on baseball and compromising the integrity of the game was and is a serious dissapointment. Now, I am whole heartedly in the 'he should NEVER EVER be allowed into the hall of fame' category.


This is O.J simpson all over again. Again, as a kid I idolized this guy. Again, more posters, again more cards, hell I even loved his commercials, and his movies even if his acting left more than a little to be desired. I did a post back in October titled "I am walter Payton." To sum up my thinking on "the juice" as a kid I can only say.......IF that story had happened before that whole circus show it would have been titled "I am the juice" instead.

I won't get into a debate about whether he did or did not kill his wife. I think that argument is fairly(though certainly not completely) split down racial lines and I would much rather not go there. He faced his day in court, and won.....As far as I am concerned end of story as far as murder charges go. However, during that trial we also found out with ZERO doubt(in my mind at least) that at the very least he is/was guilty of beating the shit out of his wife.

I rank anyone that abuses their spouse or children(especially my fellow man but women as well) a few rungs down the ladder from pond scum.

It amazes me how many people(read men) try to justify this. Memo to all my fellow men out there.

If the building is on fire ......

If your wife or child is in such a panic that the ONLY way to help them is for you to literally knock them out and carry them to safety, by all means do what you have to do.

If a crazy woman is trying to kidnap your children or holding your wife hostage and you get the chance to knock her ass all means, do what you have to do.

Other than that or another reallllllly extenuating circumstance take your justification and shove it up your arse.

Don't give me "she made me do it."

Don't give me "I was drinking".

Save your excuses,It is pretty simple 2nd grade playground education.......Boys don't hit girls.

In the case of you O.J. , no thanks I don't want your autograph, your picture, or an autographed picture. Some where in the world there is a dump with plenty of pictures,posters and such of you and Pete making what I can only hope is at least a good compost heap. Hope yall keep each other company....


And then the latest,

Anyone who knows me, or has even read my blog for any period of time knows that I am a big Seinfeld fan.
Anyone who has known me for more than two minutes knows that the above statement is a HUGE understatement.

I have every dvd that has come out so far. Before that, I had EVERY single episode in the history of the show taped manually,

on vcr tapes,

edited without commercials, and re-recorded onto other tapes IN order from the first to the last.

I have seen every episode several times over to say the least. Whats that? I have too much time on my hands? guilty your honor, what can I say.

Former co-workers of mine used to play a 'lets see just how wierd BD is' game while pretending to be impressed. They would put an episode on one of the televisions at work(no sound) point to it and ask me what was going on. More often than not I could watch for a few minutes, and not only tell you the gist of the episode, but likely quote almost word for word what lines the actors were going through at the time. Weird? I know, but like I said, guilty your honor.

Phrases like 'yada yada yada',,,,,,,'master of my domain',,,,,and 'there was shrinkage!" are all regular parts of my vocabulary. To say the least I am a big Seinfeld fan. That fandom took a big hit for me in the last week or so.

By now most people have probably heard all about the big racial outburst by Michael Richards(who plays Kramer on the show). I too had heard about it, but hadn't actually heard the details until recently. I had seen something about Jesse Jackson of all people coming to his defense and was relieved to think something along the lines of 'phewwwww,,,,,well this must have been something that got misquoted or blown out of proportion after all Jesse has his back.' Then I heard and saw the outburst myself the other day and can't help but wonder what the HELL is Jesse doing? All I can say is wow. WOW. As a white male, I was offended, and more than a little dissappointed.

Congratulations Michael,
Perhaps I will still enjoy Seinfeld the show eventually, but Cosmo Kramer will never be quite as funny to me again. If worst comes to worst and you end up on the same compost pile maybe you Pete, and Orinthal will be able to keep each other company.


Sunday, December 10, 2006

I don't do doctors

This post inspired by a recent trip to the ER.....

In life there is not much about it that you can consider a lock, a given, for sure. One thing I do feel pretty sure about is at some point I am going to hear the phrase "well BD, you have a fatal case of (enter name here). It will be at this point he will look at me,shake his head and say

"had you only come in 4 years ago when the symptoms started" that hangnail wouldn't have killed you but now? now you are in deep doo doo.

I just don't do Doctors that is all there is to it. There are a lot of reasons for this.

No, I am not scared of needles they don't bother me in the least.

First off, knock on wood, I am fortunate enough to very rarely get sick. In the last 8 years or so I have missed exactly one day of work for being sick and that was about 3 or 4 months ago. In my younger days I think I missed a total of 5 days of school due to sickness from grades 6 through 12. That is not to say I had perfect attendance all of those years(though a few I did). My mom had a rule, Stay home from school sick, plan to be sick ALL day.......none of this 'oh it is 4:30pm and I suddenly feel better can I go play outside shit'. I HATED being pent up in the house so even if I did feel under the weather, off to school I would go just so I wouldn't be stuck in the house missing all those precious daylight hours.


The few times I HAVE gone to the doctors turned out to be a collosal waste of time for the most part. NOTE: this of course excludes the 6 stitches in the front of my head, the 8 staples in the back left side of my head,(Mom? so why is it you were always telling me to quit horse playing anyways? I never did get that) or the broken wrist all of which clearly needed a Dr's attention.

And then there are things such as:

I am home on two week's leave from the army just before I am getting stationed in Germany. I had big plans.


hanging out with friends.....

sleeping till noon......

mom's home cooking.......and the like.

As big as the things I planned to HAVE during this leave were, some of the things I WOULDN'T have were every bit as exciting to me at the time.

no powdered mess hall eggs or M.R.E.s(aka meals ready to eat aka: cardboard food)

no stupid son of a B*tch banging on a garbage can to wake me up at 3:30 am.

errrrrrr,,,, I mean I LIKE IT!
I want more of it, drive on drill sergeant drive on! Hooooooah!

No running up hills.....
No running down hills......
No running around hills........
No police calls on hills........
No digging holes in hills.....
No filling holes in on hills.......

Being as I was back in Florida in fact, it is safe to say there would BE no hills bigger than my driveway.

you get the general Idea. So there I am at home, prepared to relax yayyyyy. Mom didn't let me down at all. There was more good food than I could have possibly imagined, life was good. Life was damned good.

12 pm or so: I am comfortably sleeping in my bed which....

won't have to be made so tightly you can bounce a quarter off of it.

has enough covers and pillows to get lost in.

my socks are NOT rolled up individually, OR lined up like perfect little soldiers. Instead they are laying on the floor where ALL young men's socks SHOULD be damnit!

So anyways 98% asleep I roll over and scratch an itch on my arm. Sensing something is wrong by the extra elbow that seems to be there I eventually wake up fully, turn on the light, and am shocked, stunned, horrified to see I am covered I mean COVERED in bumps.

We are not talking about mosquito bites here

Not talking mosquito bites on steroids either.

I am talking welts, BASEBALL sized welts, that I have apparently been scratching the hell out of in my sleep while thinking 'ahhh its an itch or a mosquito bite is all.'

I wind up going to the Emergency Room in the middle of the night.

Can someone please explain to me why oh WHY do they call this thing an Emergency room? After the recent visit and being told with a straight face "it will probably be 6 hours till someone sees you" I can think of several names that seem much more appropriate.

How about:

The "if you have a pulse you are in the wrong place" room.

The "hope you brought a book cause you are going to be here a while" room?

The "Emergency Schmergency" room?

The "hope you plan to WRITE a book cause planning to read a book isn't long enough" room?

The "Drivers license bureau ain't got shit on US" room?

The "we had to go through 33 years of school the least YOU can do is wait 12 hours" room?

The "your Doctor will be in to see you as soon as he graduates" room.

Any other suggestions? feel free to leave em in comments.

Anywhoooo, Eventually, I get in to see the doctor.

Dr: "Hi, Bd, what seems to be the problem?"

BD: (thinking how about I sneeze on you with this extra nose that seems to be growing out of my cheekbone and then you take three guesses)

DR: "Oh, I see." He takes a look at my various welts, "Have you had any new foods, shellfish or used any new detergents, colognes or anything like that recently?"

BD: "so it IS just some sort of allergic reaction?"

Dr: " Oh yes, no doubt about it a rather serious one apparently. Anything you can think of?"

BD: "Well, I did have some strawberry pop tarts this morning, which I have never had, about a pound and a half of boiled shrimp tonight, but I have had those lots of times, and a coconut dessert(which I hated by the way)."

Dr: "okay well it was probably one of those, here is what we are going to do. I am going to write you a prescription, from the size of them you will probably have to deal with it for about a week or so before they are entirely gone."

BD: "a week?"

Dr: "maybe not, but sorry to say it will likely be MORE than that."

BD: "that sucks! I am on leave for two weeks! You can't tell me what it was?"

Dr: "no, but after they go away try the things you suspect again and see if they cause the same reaction, then you will know what you need to avoid."

I make no claims whatsoever of being the smartest guy in the universe, but I DO pick up on some things rather quickly.

I am sure there must have been a time (though I was too young to remember) that I reached out, touched a hot stove and got burned. Even my two month old brain picked up on it pretty quickly.....

Problem:burning hand.

Probable cause: hot stove.

solution: don't touch hot stove again.

I suspect this Doc, would have said "hmmmm little bd, I think it was the stove, but wait till the swelling goes down, then go touch it again to make sure."

There was a time as a young lad when I thought it would be okay to go without underwear.

One unfortunate zip up,

One horrifying scream,

One embarrassing to this day enlistment of help from mom to dislodge,

followed by another horrified scream and my 7 or 8 year old brain picked up on that too pretty quickly.

Problem: weenie stuck

Probable cause: Going commando

Solution: Do like mom says, always wear clean underwear!

Would this doctor have said : "well BD, I think it was the zipper, but hey go zip it up in there a few more times,,,,,,,justttttt to be sure. And while you are at it, crack yourself in the nuts with this reflex hammer just for good measure, that will be $300"?

waiting 4 hours in the ER pissed me off.....

spending most of the next week pent up in the house pissed me off to say the least.....

The itching pissed me off

The doctor bill I eventually got pissed me off

But what pissed me off most even to this day was the advice.

33 years of schooling and THAT IS what you come up with? "Go home and after this absolute misery ends try the things you suspect again to see which one triggers it?"

Um in a word, "NO".

If "I think you may be allergic to your girlfriend but the only way to find out is to try again" was the case, I would be willing to heed such advice and risk it, welts be damned.

Note: let it never be said I am not willing to say the kinds of things that make women's hearts go all pitter patter.

"BD, you seem to be allergic to football, but the only way to know for sure is to try it again and see." If this were the advice, I would possibly risk it.....

But for strawberry poptarts? and coconut?

Um in two words, "HELL NO!"

How about this advice instead?

Please follow these instructions closely......

1)make list of suspected foods, items etc;

2)avoid them

thats it.........nothing more nothing less needs to be done.


In case you are looking For that 'real doctor visit feel' you may try the following

3) spend 7 hours sitting in your living room, reading 12 year old magazines, and watching the worst television shows you can find.

4)Have a different neighbor pop in once every hour or so, spend a minute looking at you and tell you that someone else will be with you shortly.

5)send yourself a bill for $482.

Advice from a High School(not even a very good one) graduate:

Let us review.

1)make list of suspected items

2) avoid them


(enter voice over here) Please note that no Doctors were hurt during this post. Also note: While I am NOT a Doctor, I DO occasionally play one in my blog.


Saturday, December 09, 2006


James over at Burnettiquette tagged me with the following meme.

Here are the rules: Each player of this game starts with the "6 Weird Things about You." People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' in their comments and tell them to read your blog!"

Okay first of all,,,,,,six? just six? I could do six without even thinking but I suppose that will be enough. Some may consider some of them wierd, super wierd, or maybe not at all but here goes.

-I have an irrational fear of snakes. Not your common garden variety normal fear, but major MAJOR kind. I live in Florida "never more than 110 miles from the beach" as some old song says. When I go to the beach I don't worry about Jaws no matter how many times I have seen the movie or newsclippings about shark attacks. However, let something brush up against my foot and I WILL walk on water back to the shore, with visions of snakes dancing in my irrational mind. I used to visit my oldest brother's house every summer when I was a kid. One time I walked around the side of the house and saw a black snake. In my mind that snake is STILL chasing me. He had that house until about 2 years ago and I even rented it from him for about 3 years. Since that ripe young age of 8 or nine I never EVER went on THAT side of the house again. People have often said something along the lines of 'it's just a garden snake it won't hurt you',,,,,,being older I at least have to agree with them. But that doesn't eliminate the very real possibility of me hurting myself to get away from them.

-I am painfully, excruciatingly shy....... I would have thought I would have grown out of this by now, but at 38 it is still going quite strong.


-,I mix my foods like nobody else I know. It all started with mashed potatoes and corn which is the ONLY way to eat it and went down hill from there.

-I absolutely refuse to touch my food with my hands for the most part(ie;pushing it onto the fork using my thumb).......I read a book when I was young about a kid doing this and having a tree grow out of his thumb.........I haven't done so since. Eating fried chicken, pizza, burgers and such noooooo problem but you would have to torture me to make me push something onto a fork with my thumb nowadays(and since I was like 6)

-I can cook........Not all that wierd till you consider I am a male, STRAIGHT male, with(until veryyyyyy recently) ZERO training in doing so. It isn't that I LIKE to cook per se but I DO like to eat and the food wasn't cooking itself.

-One of my very favorite foods even though I make my own spagetti sauce, grill a mean steak, pot roast (when I remember the most important step at least), and countless other dishes is a simple 50 cent banquet pot pie. LOVE em!

- I will almost wig out if I sit at a table that has just been wiped down but still wet. Drives me bonkerrrrrrrrrrrrs. Short drive I know, I know.

-apparently counting to six is NOT my strong suit.

Okay now to tag 6 peeps, Gypsy soul, Michael, Roadchick, Alyndabear, Fringes, Mist

consider yourselves tagged.


Monday, November 27, 2006

Multimedia message

Kash pic test of mobile blog

Nemesis this weeks Sunday scribblings prompt

This week's prompt for Sunday Scribblings is simply "nemesis". There are countless ways that I could go with this post and I have thought of them over the last few days. Even now as I am typing out the words I am not sure which way I will go myself. So in the spirit of 'just put your fingers on the keyboard and go' ala NaNoWriMo, I guess we shall soon see.

I guess there are plenty of people and things that could be considered a nemesis in my life so here I will just list a few of them in no particular order.

My big toe:
Or as Jerry Seinfeld once described it , "the captain of the toes". How is it that I can walk by the same couch 4 hundred thousand times. When it is day time, no problem. Night time? no problem. Power is out in the middle of the night? No Problemo. Sleepy groggy, 'middle of the night one step shy of sleep walking my way to a midnight bathroom visit?' Noooo problem.

But then something strange happens. Every once in a while, in the middle of the day, wide awake I walk by this couch like I have done so many times before. I KNOW it is there. It has been in the same spot more or less for 6 years or so. Yet every so often some kind of power struggle seems to occur:

Brain: Okay everyone keep right on walking, thats right, left foot, right foot, left foot right foot.

Big toe: "why does HE get to make all the decisions anyways, look at him ordering us around like minions!" grrrrrr he annoys me so much.

Little toes: "you are right! he doesn't appreciate us at all! we should rebel! Take over this outfit!
remind him that WE ARE SOMEBODY!

Brain: "you all in charge? Hah! you are just toes, nothing more so get over yourself!"

Big toe: "okay that does it, everyone listen up, on the count of three, as soon as we get close to
couch, everyone of you toes lean to the left as hard as you can and KICK the shit out
of it for no apparent reason! One,,,,,,,,,,two.........Three!

BD: "Arghhhhhhhhh! Brain?brain? what the HELL was that? How the hell do you stub your toes
on something we have passed by 4 million times! Are you drinking again? And why is it
that never happens when we are wearing shoes hmmmm? @#$@#! that hurts! Get it together you slacker and do your job, or I will find someone else that can!

Meanwhile back in the toes room laughter can be heard. High fives are exchanged, hugs given and all celebrate a moment of unity in sticking it to the brain.

Hey It is either that, or once in a while I am just a clutz I don't know.

Well, safe to say I didn't see THAT post coming at all, but oh well. For more sunday scribblings go here.


movie quote generator

Thanks to Michael at cardiac fantasies for the link that led me to the following movie quote generator:

"You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your briliant donkey together and blow."

seems more than a bit appropriate.

to play with it yourself,,,,,, go here.


Monday, November 20, 2006


Just a quick post....

I am looking forward to a good night. Monday night football makes its way to Jacksonville where the Giants come calling to face the Jaguars. It is a pretty much 'must win' game for us following two horrible losses to the damned Texans of all teams!

Daily moment of stupidity:

So there I am walking out of the store, milk in one hand, fumbling to find my keys with the other. I open the car door and out of habit reach down to my pockets.

Feel my wallet,,,,,,,check

pen? check

cell phone? hmmmmm not in the leftpocket.

not in the right pocket.....

I begin backing up the car out of the parking space and heading home.

Glance over to the passenger seat,,,,,no cell phone.

Console? No cell phone.

Finally my brain pipes in. YO dumbass! you are TALKING on your cell phone!

And people say cell phones are a distraction! pshhhhawwwww

Daily moment of stupidity(part two)

So there I am driving home from the store. Having a conversation on my newly rediscovered cell phone, and I start to laugh. It was a few weeks ago so I don't remember what the conversation was about, only that there was no reason for me to be laughing at that moment.

Her: "what?"

me: hmmmm?

Her: "what is so funny?"

Me : "nothing, you were saying?"

brain: "whatever you do do NOT admit to what you just did."

Me(in a panic): "then what do I say?"

brain: "tell her you saw some kid fall on his bike, no that would be mean and you are a horrible liar. Just stick to the 'nothing answer'

Her: "hello?

Me: "so what time do you have to go to work tomorrow?"

Brain: "ohhhhh good one!"

Her: "don't change the subject, what was so funny?"

Brain: "okay I revise my earlier statement to say you are a horrible liar and not so good at the 'subtle subject change' game either.

Me: "ummm nothing, I just did something stupidly funny"

Her: "what did you do?"

Brain: "tell her you ran a red light, tell her you stubbed your toe"

Me: "I was just looking all over my car for my cell phone, and duhhhhh I am talking on it."

Brain: "doh!"

Her: ".............."

Brain: "way to go genius! Now she thinks you are an idiot! Hell EYE think you are an idiot!"

Me: "shut up!"

Her: "what?"

Me: Did I just tell my brain to shut up? or did I just say that out loud? ughhhh this is getting bad fast.

Her: (giggling),

Me: whew! guess it was just my brain.

Brain: "Thank God!, and YOU shut up! Still though, that was a really bad idea."

Me: "I had no choice! I felt pressured!"

Brain: " you imagine yourself as a war hero able to stand up to interogation if necessary
and you crack under the mighty question of "what?""

Daily moment of stupidity(part 3)

So there I am looking for something to post about.

Me: I am pushed for time, we gotta get to the game, so what the hell I will just tell the cell phone story kay?

Brain: "................."

Me: "brain? brain you there? I am just going to tell another 3 people the cell phone story."

Brain: "............."

The cell phone story gets typed and posted.

Brain: "okay I am back from my nap what did I miss?"

Me : "not much, I handled things pretty good while you were gone."

Brain: "hmmmm what is that post titled "rambling" on your blog?"


Brain: Arrrrghhhh!!!! Shit I leave for a ten minute nap and THIS is what you do?

Friday, November 17, 2006

four things

I found this meme by Brianne over at Pink sidewalk talk which interested me. The MEME intrests me NOT pink sidewalks. If anyone sees all the testosterone that just rushed out of my body in a panic before I realized what I had typed, please send it back. I may have to go to the bathroom sometime today after all and don't want to have to sit down to do it every time. Anyways, her site is a lot about knitting, so if that interests you by all means check it out.

So on to the memo:

Four jobs I have had:
2)U.S. Army
4)Restaurant manager

Four movies I could watch over and over:
1)Godfather I and II (and the ringtone DOES NOT sound gay! Yes I AM talking to you!) NOT
that there is anything wrong with that.
3)Return to lonesome dove
4)The shawshank redemption

Four places I have lived:
2)Memphis, Tennessee
4)Rhode Island

Four television shows I love to watch:
1)Seinfeld.......all time greatest show in the history of mankind(as of now)
2)Friends.......(threatening seinfeld)

NOTE: future favorite show:
1)The public torture of the bastards that canceled Seinfeld and Friends. (interested Fox)

Four places I have been on vacation:
2)Venice, Italy
4)Smokey mountains in North Carolina

Four of my favorite dishes:(That I can cook)
2)Stuffed mushrooms
2)Outback steak house "Alice springs chicken"
3)To die for pot roast

Four favorite dishes(eating out)
1)Carrabas "Sirloin Marsala"
2)Veal/chicken parmesan-from a little mom and pop place down the road
3)Burritos- from LaNapolera
4)Prime rib

Four websites I visit daily:
1)Barmaid blog(see sidebar)
2)Waiterrant(see sidebar)
3)Cbs sportsline
4)Fringes(see sidebar)

Four places I would rather be right now:
1)The beach
3)Back in bed
4)On my way to work (since I am running late)

I wonder if "I was running late because I was blogging a memo by brianne" will get me out of trouble?

Until later,


It's 5 am what kind of post do you expect?

So here I am, wide awake though I fell into bed exhausted just two hours ago vowing to sleep forever.


Memo to: Brian (wait for itttt)
Memo from: Body
RE: emergency status

Dear Brian

"get your ass to bed NOW or there will be HELL, do you hear me? PURE HELL to pay for the foreseeable future".




memo to:Body
memo from: "Brian"
RE: recent urgent response needed

Dear Body,

Your requests have been submitted and approved. Sorry for the delay and we thank you for your understanding and patience in this matter. Full system shut down in 12, 11, 10.......



P.S: Note that is signed "BRAIN" NOT "BRIAN"

PSS: Your requests to take over and run this outfit for a while are hereby DENIED! For reasons behind this decision see exhibit A above.

signed ,



memo to: Brain
memo from: Body

Dear Brain,

Why are you just laying here sleeping?
Rise and shine sleepy head!
Early bird gets the worm you know!

It could be a beautiful day! We could be out shopping! We could be up running a marathon or something!



5:03 am

memo to:Body
memo from: Brain

Dear early bird,

We are "just lying here sleeping" as you put it because just two hours ago you insisted it HAD to be done. You are right we COULD be shopping, but ummmm we HATE shopping! Besides, all the stores are closed at this hour. Regarding your marathon request, aren't you the one that pulled a hamstring getting up to go to the refrigerator last week? Just a reminder by the way, you know we have to be up soon for a long double shift right? Sure you don't want to get some more sleep?



5:23 am

memo to:Brain
memo from :Body

Dearest know it all,

Yes you are correct, we do indeed HATE shopping! Sleep Schmmeeeeep! Who needs rest? Rest is wayyyyy overrated! Do I smell coffee? arrrrghhh I am bored and there is NOTHING on tv,,,,,wait is that? woooohooooo INFOMERCIALS! YES! Gotta go!




memo to: body
memo from: brain

Dear Hyper,

Your requests for ordering the set of Ginsu knives is denied. Do you not remember having to replace 3 pairs of sneakers, the mess you had to clean up AND having to buy a new knife?
You just HAD to see if it really COULD cut through shoes and still slice thru tomatoes and coke cans? LoL, I STILL can't BELIEVE you didn't open the coke before cutting through them by the way.



630 am

memo to: Brain
memo from: Body

Dear hold a grudge,

Geeeeesh let it go already! Cut open six lousy coke cans without opening them first and you NEVER live it down! Besides it was GINSU! Okay okay, no ginsus this time(ginsi? ginsues?ginsis? figure THAT one out smart guy!) How about that magic car paint then huh? huh? It is $4.99 and covers your entire car in a brilliant shine! Mustang Sally will LOVE that, and I have always wanted to change her from silver to Red, this is a dream come true! Where did I leave the credit card?



PS: please answer quickly, If i call in the next ten minutes I only have to pay THREE easy payments instead of four!



memo to: Body
memo from: Brain

Dear Body,

Sorry for the delay in answering. Well no I am not, cause ordering that 4.99 car paint job is the very definition of stupidity! When are you going to learn that this stuff you see on these infomercials is nothing more than a ripof..........

wait! Is that the flowbee deluxe hair cutting slash vacuum cleaner attachment system? Credit card is in the top left cabinet in the kitchen!


dial damn you dial!




memo to:brain
memo from: body

Dear brain,

Yes! I did it! I ordered them. That is right "them"! Can you beleive it? I got 12 of them. We can sell them for 3 times the cost and make a bundle! We shall be rich! I am so excited! In fact, the excitement has worn me out so much I can barely keep our eyes open. We need to go back to bed now, in fact RIGHT now or we will be miserable all day.



7:40 am

memo to: body
memo from:Brian

Dear Body,

Way to go! That was very quick thinking on your part ordering 12 of them! Maybe you CAN run this outfit after all. On another note, ummmmm WHAT??? "go to sleep you say",,,,,"wake up you say"......"I could run a marathon" you say..........and back to "go to sleep"......

It is too damned late to go to sleep you moroon!

By the way, changing your mind 7 times in an 8 hour period is NOT what people mean when they say 'getting in touch with your femine side!"


your pissed off Brain!

7:43 am

memo to:Brain
memo from: Body

Dear Smarty pants,

You didn't happen to mean "moron" by chance did you? If you are going to call someone a moron you should probably take time to at least spell the word "moron" correctly,,,,,I am just saying is all....Or are you trying to say I am deep dark reddish in color?



Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Tough crowd

It is a fairly uneventful Saturday evening. The Gators are playing a game not too far away which as usual, causes us to be fairly slow. After making my way to the six or seven tables that are there, checking on how everything is going, and talking to our guests for a bit, I head back to the office to do a little bit of paper work.

When I return, I see a party of six has arrived and is seated at table 7. Glancing out the window, I spot their waitress outside taking a smoke break so I go ahead and get
Their drink order for them. When Beth returns soon afterwards and takes the drinks from me to deliver I say hello to table 6 which has recently arrived as well. Table six is a mother, father, their son, and a toddler sitting on the end in a high chair.

“How you doing little man? What is your name?” I ask handing them a coloring book and some crayons.

“Brian and I am 4 years old”, comes the response as he proudly holds up five fingers.

“Hi Brian, I am BD, can I be four years old too?”

He vigorously shakes his head no in a ‘don’t be silly’ fashion.

“Okayyyy” I say in disappointment “who is this over here?”

“That’s Tiffany(pronounced Tiffknee), she is my sister” he tells me.

I look over to Tiffany, offer my best exaggerated ‘baby wave’ which is greeted with nothing more than a blank stare.

Beth is pretty much finished getting all of their orders so I stand up, tell them to enjoy their dinner, and let us know if we can help them with anything. Before leaving, I send one more wave Tiffany’s way who despite not taking her eyes off of me in 5 minutes still does not respond at all.

I put my thumb to my nose, extend my hand and wiggle my fingers back and forth at her. Brian thinks this is hilarious, but baby sister continues to stare at me like I am an alien from another planet.

I am reminded of a game show around the early 80’s(I think) called “Make me laugh”. In it contestants were confronted by comedians telling jokes, making gestures, and doing anything they could to try and force the contestant to laugh. The longer they managed to avoid doing so, the more money they could win.

As I am walking away I look over at Tiffany, send her a “you ARE going to laugh” look which is returned instantly with an unmistakable “oh I can laugh, you just are NOT that funny” look.

I continue to make my rounds to all our tables as it starts to pick up a bit. When time permits, I even take a moment to stick my tongue out at Tiffknee.

Once again, she is utterly unimpressed.

I attempt a little game of Peekaboo……

Usually this results in laughter…..

Occasionally though, it results in the total opposite affect and the ‘what is the weird guy doing” look turns into an all out “Mom the boogey man is after me! Scream of terror.”

With Tiffknee, I get bubkus.

Not a giggle,

Not a snort,

Certainly Not a laugh, and thankfully at least, not a scream.

Nothing but that “I am so bored and making lots of cash by not showing a reaction’ look I remember from that old game show.

A tough nut to crack this Tiffany.

I give up for now and head back to the kitchen to run some food out to tables.

Wendy is in the service station when I come out and fixing up some drinks for her new table.

“That girl thinks you are weird”, she says.

I have heard this phrase a time or 4000 in my life so I don’t dispute it, The only question is WHICH girl?

“who?” I ask

“that little girl you are playing with, somebody is losing their touch” she teases with a laugh, heading back out on the floor.

As I grab table 4’s food and start to head out I am met by Judy.

“Table 9, has a problem, can you go speak to them while I get that for you?”

“Sure.” I say setting the food down and heading over to 9. Table Nine’s country fried steak is over cooked, and after apologizing I take the plate back to the kitchen to be re cooked. Easy enough.

By now, the place is pretty much packed. I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off, along with the entire wait staff. I am busy cashing people out, bussing tables, seating people , to the point that Tiffknee is all but forgotten.

When the bell rings in the kitchen I head back to see what food needs to be run. There is the re-cook. I look it over to make sure that everything is correct this time.
Country fried steak smothered in white gravy,…..check

Green beans,……..check

Mashed potatoes…….check

Extra gravy……..check

And throw another extra monkey dish(small bowl) of gravy on the side for good measure. As I head out of the kitchen, I see Tiffany’s dad at the register with her on his hip waiting to pay up and check out.

“ I will be right with you” I say all but running to the other side of the restaurant with table nine’s food.

I am almost there when the chain reaction starts and that “oh shit/adrenaline rush/ things seem to be happening in slow motion” thing starts.

The Country fried steak shifts about 4 inches on the plate.

This pushes the monkey dishes of Green beans and Mashed potatoes toward the edge of the plate.

I have time to note that the place has gotten loud. I hear talk about the Gator game and how they almost lost.

I hear a women yelling at her husband for leaving the pool gate unlocked.

I sense my brain send a message to my hand there is time to straighten the plate up and avoid a big mess if I hurry.

I have time to see the green beans and Mashed potatoes teeter on the edge of the plate and seem to start sliding back to safety.

I have time to think I am going to make it, when ever so slowly the gravy dish goes past the point of no return.

I have time to see it tumbling thru the air and hear the loud “smack” as the hard plastic comes into contact with the floor and bounces, spinning back into the air.

I feel my eyes widen to the extreme and I have time to think(or maybe I actually DID scream) “noooooooooo” in that slow motion like voice you always hear in movies.

Speaking of movies, I am reminded of a movie I once saw. I have NO idea what it was called but it was your classic ‘shoot em up, one good guy defeats 473,000 enemies by himself” movie.

Rambo? Who knows.

Anyways, I remember a scene in this movie where the good guy has a couple of Uzi sub machine guns and he is surrounded by the bad guys waiting for him at the bottom of some stairs. I remember somehow he drops these machine guns which bounce down the stairs, tumbling wildly, causing to bullets to just so happen to hit every single bad guy in the movie, but miss him entirely. I remember being pissed at the time because that scene was just SO blatantly unrealistic that it ruined it for me.

To the makers of that movie I hereby apologize. After seeing one monkey dish of gravy bounce off the floor and fly in 480,000 different directions hitting seemingly EVERYONE within 100 feet of me I can no longer say that movie was as unrealistic as I thought.

The monkey dish eventually stops spinning. I am looking around stunned, to see how many people I have just covered in gravy. I see countless surprised faces looking back at me. I wonder how many dry cleaning bills we will be picking up for this one. Wondering if it is actually possible to literally die from embarrassment, or if digging a hole right there in that spot really WILL lead me to China. The main thing I notice is the noise, or lack there of. The place which only moments ago had been BUZZING with activity is now eerily silent. In fact, I think I just heard a pin drop.

The seemingly endless silence is finally broken by a loud pitched squeal. I turn to locate the source of this sound and there it is. There is Tiffany, perched on her dad’s hip, pointing over to me and laughing hysterically.

Well, at least it is good to know, “I haven’t lost my touch after all.


Saturday, November 11, 2006

politics as usual

interviewer: BD, what happened to you taking part in the whole NaBLOpomo thingy?Aren't you supposed to be doing one post a day for all of November?

BD: ummmm,,,,,errrrrr,,,,,,ahem,,,,,,,,I never committed to doing that.

interviewer: hmmmm,,,,really? i seem to remember you saying so a few short posts ago!

BD: ummm errrr,,,,,welll.......I don't RECALL(thank you Ronald Reagan) doing that.

interviewer: what happened? what has changed?

BD: I was caught up in the moment I guess.

Interviewer: the moment?

BD: yes the moment, it is november after all.

Interviewer: what does November have to do with anything?

BD: You know,,,,November, time for political ads and such, time for making promises and then failing to back them up,,,,I blame them! They rubbed off on me to the point EYE started doing the same thing.

Interviewer: aha!!! so you admit that you DID say it?

BD: Do you have me saying it on tape?

Interviewer: ummmm no, I don't think so.

BD: Then I never said anything of the sort.

Interviewer: Oh, wait here it is in a post dated October 31 titled "where did you come from".

BD: hmmmm so you DO have it on tape then?

Interviewer: yes

BD: errrrr,,,,ummmmmm,,,,,,I was misquoted!

interviewer: by yourself?

BD: errrr,,,,ummmm,,,,,,,Bill Clinton had sex with his intern!


quick shout out to normie

I have been clicking on your blog the last few days and it seems to have dissappeared. Have you moved? shut down? Blogger screwing up? I hope it is just a glitch but please let me know either way.


Monday, November 06, 2006

Baby sitting

So I have been in the new place for almost two months. Working in "hellsee"(aka hell C) is really no different other than now instead of being a waiter or bartender I have gone over to the dark side. Being a manager doesn't necessarily present an entirely different perspective. It DOES however offer a different view of the same perspective at least. In the past at other jobs, I had been offered a management position on a number of different occasions. One of the main reasons I turned those offers down (besides the pay cut), is that I generally enjoyed waiting/bartending more often than not. Mostly though, in my mind managers were/are for all intents and purposes nothing more than ‘baby sitters’. Two months or so into it,I have to say my original feeling was not too far off.

Mind you, baby sitting can be fun. Baby sitting can be great. I love kids so make no mistake I have nothing whatsoever against the idea of baby sitting. What I DO have a problem with is the idea of baby sitting fully grown adults which is what restaurant management boils down to. Some examples:

Things you are not surprised to hear as a babysitter/parent:

‘I don’t want to go to school because the dog ate my homework’

Things you are not surprised to hear as a manager:

‘I didn’t come to work yesterday because I lost my schedule.”

As a parent:
“I can’t go to school today because I have a cold.”

As a manager:
“I can’t come to work today because I have the ‘Corona flu.’

As a parent:
“Mom, I will be home late all this week because I got detention.”

As a manager:
“Good news, I am over the corona flu. Bad news, I slept it off in
A jail cell after getting a DUI,,,,oh by the way I won’t be in for
A few days.”

Baby sitter/parent:
“Billy didn’t clean his room like you told him to do”

“Wendy didn’t do her side work like you told her to do”

As a parent:

Trying to make a 6 year old understand why he can’t wear
His underwear on the outside of his pants to school his

As a manager:
Trying to make some servers understand why they can’t wear
Nose rings, dog collars, and a tattoo that says ‘Fu*k you’
Is equally pointless.

As a parent:
You tell your son or daughter to ‘quit throwing their clothes on
The floor’ 7 million times.

As a manager:
You tell servers to quit wiping food from dirty tables on the
Floor 7 million times.

As a parent:
You sit patiently teaching your child to put the star shaped plastic
Piece into the star shaped hole on the red and blue octagonal shaped
Preschool toy you bought them.

As a manager:
You stand by patiently and tell servers to stack the 10 inch plates on
Top of the OTHER 10 inch plates in the dish pit.

As a parent:
You watch as your child tries stubbornly to fit the star shaped piece
Into the round shaped hole.

As a manager:
You watch as servers continue to stubbornly stack 10 inch plates on top of
The 4 inch ones.

As a parent:
You celebrate and take pride when you see them figure out the star really
DOES go into the star shaped hole.

As a manager:
You order more dishes to replace the 12 plates that finally toppled over
And crashed to the floor from being stacked on top of a four inch one.

In fairness, I must say that I don’t have any children so most of the child references were to me. Mom really WAS proud of me for getting that star shaped thing down, even if it was only last week that I did so.

See? Managing/ Babysitting

Not all that different.

Until next time, take care



Thursday, November 02, 2006

Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Both LaLa and Roadchick were able to correctly identify the "Fluxcapacitor" reference in a previous post.

"Johnny tell them what they have won!"

"Well BD, they get the chance to choose between what is behind door # 1 or door #2, door # 2 you say?

Awwww! door # 2 is empty! However, you DO win the adoration of 3 readers everywhere who are all quite impressed with your knowledge of movies, quotes, and general trivia! "

"whats that? "

"what was behind door number one? Why , lots and lots of expensive, life changing prizes of course!"

"oh? you would like to see?"

ummm ahem.........well...... That will do it for todays show, I am sorry but we are all out of time!
until next time Please remember to have your pets spayed or neutered."

(enter music here) .......roll credits.......

"commercial consideration brought to you by 'just for men hair coloring', viagra, and wow who comes up with these sponsors anyways? Are you guys trying to tell me something?"


Wednesday, November 01, 2006

where did you come from?

So I am about 2 hours into day one of NanoWriMo and already needing a break. As such I started browsing a couple of my favorite blogs, and the whole NaBLOpoMO idea that I first read about over on Alyndabear's site keeps bouncing around in my brain. I have all but decided to particpate in this as well, though very UNofficially. To try both Nano and Nablo is either

B)A sure way to fail at both
C)A sure way to at least succeed at one of the two


D) some combination of the above.

Seeing people like Alyndabear, and fringes in it make me want to do it even more so what the hell count me in, though I make no guarantees about the quality of said posts. Then again, I never did that anyways.

With that in mind:

Michael over at Cardiac Fantasies explained how he came up with his blog's name which I found interesting since I am always wondering where people got their names from. Also, that is one of the questions I get a fair amount of the time as well. With that in mind here is a meme or challenge, or writing prompt, or whatever you want to call it.

Part 1)Explain where or how you came up with the name for your blog. You can go into as much or as little detail as you like it is totally one hundred percent up to you.

Part 2) If you see a blog that you like or plan to explore on the list, BEFORE you go to read the explanation, try to guess it yourself and see how close you are.

If you choose to participate leave me a permalink in the comments and I will add a link to your site on this post for others to click on. One word of warning, be prepared to see a drastic increase in traffic to your site as my site is read on a regular basis by no less than three people!!!!

Okay as for the boring details of mine: I have posted a little about this before but in case you missed it I will again and hopefully a bit deeper this time.

A) I grew up in a rather large family with 4 older brothers and 2 older sisters(plus one younger).
You know the old saying 'shit rolls down hill?"

Since I was # 7 out of 8(not counting step siblings) I got my share of shit. To say the least I was picked on my share, but I didn't take it poorly. I learned from it, embraced it, and took notes. I trained for hours upon hours in hopes of one day being able to snatch the "smartass" pebble from the hand of my older brothers and move out in the world on my own.

Very rarely does a day go by that someone who knows me does not call me a smartass. I don't claim to be good at a lot of things, writing or blogging? enhhh! I have seen worse but I have seen much much better! drawing? .....I can't draw stick figures without ending up with an extra limb or two. In fact, every stick figure I have ever drawn has grown up THOROUGHLY confused about whether it was in fact a male or female.

Dancing? ......please! I have all the rhythm of a bobble head.......okay okay!!! Dear Bobble heads put down the knives and step awayyyyyy from the computer.... ,,,,one day with lots of practice I HOPE to have all the rhythm of a bobble head! better? Hopefully that stops at least SOME of the hatemail from the bobble heads and keeps the bobble heads from suing me for slander.

Fixing stuff?........You know how some people can walk into a nuclear power plant which is on the verge of an imminent meltdown? Even though they have never been there before, after a five second inspection they can proclaim in complete confidence "well duhhhhh your fluxcapacitor(bonus points for anyone who can name the movie that word is from) is obviously broken". This mechanical gene allows them to fix their own cars, replace the roofs on their houses, stop toilets from leaking and even save the world from disaster.

You know those people? Yeah,,,,,THATS not me either. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with a malfunctioning straw if you gave me 17 days to do it and 3 perfectly functioning straws to compare it to.

Are we getting the picture here? There are LOTS of things that I am NOT good at, and that is being kind.

However, being a smartass, is NOT one of them. Therefore when it came time to name my blog the choice was pretty obvious. "Smartass" Only two problems witht that idea: 1) While I never bothered to check for sure I was fairly certain that name would be taken already. More importantly 2)I didn't think I could get away with "smartass" without violating some sort of TOS agreement so I was left with a choice. Read through the 43 page T.O.S. agreement to be sure or disguise it a little bit. For those of us who talk in single syllables that was an easy choice.

Besides, Smartass was too obvious, and didn't fit in enough with my dull, dry , corny, never afraid to reach for a joke, sense of humor at all. Therefore,"smart" became "brilliant" and "ass" became "donkey". They say "if you have to splain your jokes, they probably are not as funny as you thought they were." BriliantDonkey is an example of this I guess.

Last comes the misspelling: When I first started exploring this thing called the internet I was in some chat room or another. As tends to happen one idiot came in on a regular basis looking to start trouble. To accomplish this he would pick out the name of someone in the room and say for example

"BD is stoopid " and then move on to the next person and the next. Always the same "Jenn is stoopid" "BL4332 is stoopid" .......sometimes he would even include an expletive or three and so on it went. Finally having enough of this and unable to stand the irony any longer, I said something along the lines of :

"wise man say one who calls people stoopid over and over should take care to at least spell 'stupid' correctly, to do otherwise only proves that stoopid is as stupid does."

Whether a)his computer chose that moment to quit working, B) he realized his error(and was actually smart enough to get the irony) or C) BL4332 was a serial killer/computer genius who tracked him down at that moment and got rid of him, I do not know. I only know he quit showing up in that chat room. Changing from brilliant donkey" to "Briliantdonkey' is just my own way of reminding myself that I am anything but brilliant, to not take myself too seriously, and keep the lesson learned from 'stoopid' in mind. So there you have it. The story of where Briliantdonkey came from for what it is worth.

If you read this and are interested consider yourself tagged. Post the explanation on your blog and send me a permalink to it in comments if you would like me to add you to the list. 2:51 am, time to get another 500 words or so done and then hit the sack. Nite all. BD To check out more "where did you come from" stories please click through to the following links: 1-Alyndabear
2-Cardiac fantasies

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Tick tick tick....

Just a quick little reminder to those that may be interested. 13 hours until the beginning of this years NanoWriMo. 1,666 words a day for 30 days. Hopefully, at least 8 of them will be good. For more info click here. Good luck to anyone out there that participates. Remember misery DOES love company so don't be afraid to let us know how you are doing.


Monday, October 30, 2006


Choices (part II)

Apologies to my three readers, Not only for leaving you hanging but for how boring that post was. However, since a couple of you have humored me by acting like it was interesting enough to see what happened, I guess I have to humor you enough to finish it.

So anyways,

“So you are not going to let me go home then?” Wendy asks.

“no, sorry like I said it is too early and actually if I let anyone go home it will probably be Martha since she was here first, AND she had kids she could be out trick or treating with.”

I can almost see her shift into another strategy. She pouts out her bottom lip and takes a page out of the ‘women’s handbook’ that page from chapter 3 reads as follows:

“Men are by and large stupid stupid creatures. Should you ever find yourself
wanting something and failing to get them to cooperate, don’t be afraid toflirt and flaunt to get it.”

NOTE: Before I start getting hate mail, you see this tactic play out on any given day, in any given bar, restaurant or strip club across the world.

Some people engage in totally innocent flirtation.

Some pretend to be fascinated by the guy droning on and on about the round of golf he played that day(while trying desparately not to yawn).

Some simply resist the urge to answer tell a guy to buzz off when they make a rude comment.

Some may flash thier breasts if that is what it takes and they are comfortable with it.

Whatever it takes....

Make no mistake, I am NOT judging (well maybe a tad) just pointing it out. Men are not above doing (or at least trying) the same thing. I know as a bartender I tried to. The only difference is that women are much MUCH less susceptible to being led around by their breasts as men are to being led around by their Johnsons.

“Really?" She asks leaning up against the doorway,batting her eyes a bit, and shaking me from my thoughts.

Don’t laugh BD don’t laugh. You don’t want to hurt her feelings. Not to mention remember page 38 of the ‘man handbook’:

Should you ever be fortunate enough to come across a printing of the ultra
Secret women’s handbook you must MUST use the information you gain
therein against them.

And page 64 of the women’s:

Should you ever come across a man who has somehow managed to get
A copy of this sacred ultra secret document it is imperative that you kill him.
first you must torture him until he tells you where it is and then (for the sake
of women everywhere) you must kill him in a way that sends a clear warning
to the rest of the men out there of what the penalties of such are.

“You need to get back out on the floor” I say, proud of the poker face I am keeping.

“This isn’t right, it’s bullshit!”

“Oh? What is bullshit?” I ask curious as to where this is leading.

“Aren’t you the one that is always telling me to (enter sarcastic voice and quotation gesture here) stay in school?”

“Yeah, what does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, like I said, I have a term paper due tomorrow and I have barely started it. If you really thought school was so important you would let me go work on it.”

Ahhhh guilt trip strategy,(page 27)…… THAT is where this is going. And combining it with the ‘use my own words against me’ strategy (page 38)….. Interesting and VERY nicely played I might add.

I am stunned for a moment, but finally I reply,

“Weren’t you off for the last two days?” I know this answer as I juggled 2 other people’s schedules at the last minute to help her get them.

“Yes, why?”

“There is an old saying, ‘a lack of preparation on your part does NOT make it an emergency on MY part.’”

“What is THAT supposed to mean?” She asks rolling her eyes.

“It means you chose to go to a Halloween party instead of working on your term paper.”

“It means you chose to hang out at the bar instead of what you knew you should be doing. You want the whole world to shuffle their schedules around to make room for your term paper yet you couldn’t be inconvenienced enough to skip your party for it. Sorry, but if you are looking for sympathy from me you aren’t going to get it. You made your choice and now for better or worse you have to live with it.”

Turning from my desk,

“Like I said, I don’t think anyone is going home anytime soo….” I start to say and see I am now all alone in the office.

Just what I came in here for in the first place.


It has been a fairly slow Saturday night. We have the usual array of regulars, but walk in traffic is relatively slow. I have only been working in the town of Biffy(aka B.F.E.) for almost two months so I am not totally used to the ‘when we will be busy and when we won’t” trends, but I am getting there. The 4 servers on the floor are understandably upset and already asking to be sent home.

“jeeeesh!!!! We’re not going to get busy, I don’t know why he won’t let someone leave” I hear “Judy” say in her raspy, 50 year old, two packs a day, biker chick voice.

The devil on my right shoulder quickly types up the following response and sends it to my brain.

Cause if I let someone go it will have to be one of my GOOD servers, leaving me not only short staffed for a rush, but short staffed AND handicapped since you get weeded with any more than two tables

The angel on my left considers this response, even laughs at it, but in the end pulls out a tennis racket and knocks it away. I hate the angel sometimes, even if I know he is right.

I have been in their shoes, so I simply let it go.

Biffy is a small town located not too far from the major college town of Gainseville, Florida, Home of the University of Florida Gators. One reason it is slow is the Gator football team is playing one of its biggest rivals this week. Gator games tend to be among our slower times. AFTER gator games we tend to get pretty busy. Since the game will end in about an hour, and we are still open for four I feel pretty safe in thinking we are going to be busy at some point. Therefore, I have to decline the requests to send someone home. Before long the requests turn to whining.

Four servers, none of them making money. All of them wants to be the one to go home, but barring that they just want SOMEONE to go home.

I get it, minimal tips split 4 ways is always less than minimal tips split 3 ways.

Before too long the whining turns to bitching.

I remind myself of my own serving days, bite my toungue, and hold my ground. It will get busier and until then the best I can do for them is NOT make them find some kind of busy work to do until then.

As I head back to the office, I hear.

“I have a term paper due tomorrow, that is really important! Why the hell won’t he let me leave!”

This comment gets my attention for a moment. I believe in education. I applaud the servers like Wendy and Kyla who are going to college and looking to better themselves in hopes of finding a ‘real job’. I even encourage it to the point of preaching it at times though I know my words usually go in one ear and out of the other. I know this because these same words went in one of MY ears a long time ago and out of the other. I hope they don’t get ‘stuck’ in a serving job for as long as I did and end up regretting it. Lord knows if I had a chance to go back in time and do it all over again I would NOT stay in the serving (or even bartending) end of the pool nearly as long as I did. And that is assuming I stayed in the restaurant business at all. That is not to say that serving is a bad thing, just me admitting that even to me the grass DOES seem to be greener on the other side.

I blew off more than my share of “enjoy your childhood while you can” and “don’t be in such a hurry to grow up” and “stay in school” advice back in my day. To me, it was simple ‘ramblings of an old coot’. It MUST be! Who wouldn’t WANT to grow up, be able to buy what you want, go where you want, do what you want, whenever you wanted to do it? Surely, THAT is what being a grown up was like after all!

Now EYE am the old coot, giving the same advice, knowing it will be ignored but trying none the less.

For these reasons and more, I consider letting “Wendy” go home. There is a knock on the door.

“come in”

“I have a term paper, due tomorrow, can I go home?”

“No, if it stays slow I will try to get you out of here a little bit early, but right now it is just too soon. I think we will be getting busy once the game is over and the Halloween fest in town is over.”

“It isn’t going to get busy anyways, we have only had 6 kids come in for trick or treats.”

“You may be right, but I don’t think so.”

(To be continued, sorry but 6 am and I am falling asleep at the keyboard) See? I AM an old coot!

Bedtime stories

Bedtime stories

This week’s prompt for Sunday Scribblings is “Bedtime stories”. I can’t say that I really, definitely remember having stories read to me when I was a child. Then again, I can’t say with any amount of certainty that I WASN’T either. I DO know that I am an avid reader and have loved to read for about as long as I can remember. Some of my early favorites included the wacky adventures of Fudge in “Tales of a 4th grade nothing”, “Super fudge” and others by Judy Blume. This series follows the exploits of its main character Fudge who gets himself into all kinds of funny situations and more or less drives his older brother(s?) crazy. Having 4 older brothers and 2 older sisters myself, perhaps that alone was what I enjoyed the most about it lol. It is a series that I think most people can relate to since many of us have had to deal with a little brother or sister at some point in our lives.

Another one that I recall making quite an impression on me at a pretty young age was the adventures of Encyclopedia Brown by Donald J. Sobol. It has been years since I read either one of these but if I recall correctly Encyclopedia Brown is the son of a detective and always manages to find himself solving different kinds of mysteries. It allows the reader to follow along with the clues and try to solve the case as well. I have little doubt that this series sparked my interest in mysteries and thrillers that I still love to read today.

Over the years, I have since given these books to various nephews and nieces of mine. While I can’t say they ALL have liked them(certainly not as much as I did), at least one of them REALLY seemed to enjoy them and began embracing reading instead of dreading it as he always had. If any of you have children that you are trying to encourage to read, I STRONGLY recommend any of these books especially for those between the ages of 7-10 or so. I may even look for them at my used bookstore next time I am in there just to re-read them myself.

I would have thought that by now I would be reading these among others to my OWN children as bedtime stories. At 37 and single, the “2 boys and a girl (or vice versa)” plan doesn’t seem to be my fate or ‘in the cards’ but if I ever do have kids you can bet these will be on their reading lists. Until then, I guess I will have to settle for recommending them to others and sending them to my nephews and nieces. Then again, since many of them are old enough to drink at this point they may look at me a bit funny when I do so.
For more Sunday Scribblings go here.


Tuesday, October 24, 2006


This week’s prompt for Sunday Scribblings is simply “Good”. Let me start off with a question. Does that mean that this post has to be good? If so, I may be in big trouble. Also, fair warning, this may ramble a bit.

-I am off for the next two days and this to say the least, is ‘good’.

-Does anyone know of a GOOD surgeon? If so please send them to 483 Briliantdonkey way, because it will take no less than the best to remove this couch from my arse in the next couple of days.

-I had to work all day Sunday. With the new job this is pretty much par for the course. No big deal, but I DO miss spending most if not all day Sunday laid(laying?lying? ummmmmmm

I DO miss spending all day SITTING on the couch watching football game after football game on the boob tube. Why do they call it a ‘boob tube’ anyways? Why not ‘ass tube’? I can only guess that it is because the insides of televisions used to be made up of a bunch of tubes. Boob rhymes with tube so Walla.
If that is the case then why not “Pube tube?” On second thought, I guess I should just be happy the insides of televisions were never full of pix.

Anyways, where was I? Oh, so being in the middle of no where does have at least one good advantage. I actually CAN manage to go all day without hearing the result of the Jaguar game. This allows me to tivo it and come home to watch it as if it were live so that is GOOD. Except on days like yesterday, when I come home to watch and see they got their Butts handed to them by the damn Houston Texans. Again…….. NOT so GOOD!

Speaking of ‘NOT so good: There seems to be some kind of bug going around blogville lately. For various reasons a lot of VERY good bloggers have been posting less and less frequently as of late and some of them not at all. I myself admit to being guilty of this. (The ‘posting less frequently’ part NOT the ‘good bloggers’ part that is). A few like Caty of “The bean counter” , Rebecca from Writing Blind and Flood from Flash Flood have made it official and announced they are closing up shop(albeit I hope only temporarily). Here is to wishing you all well, letting you know you and your words are missed, and hoping to see you back posting soon.

Others like Debra from Barmaid Blog, Schprock of the The Schprock report, and waiter from insane waiter seem to be posting a bit less as of late as well. I hope for you (like me); this is just a temporary thing and not the beginning of the end. To read all of your stuff is enjoyable, a privilege, and like those listed above, you (and your words) are missed.

I have always said that I would not let the idea of getting older bother me and for the most part I think I have held myself true to that word which I suppose is good. However, that doesn’t mean I am not allowed to joke about it. My shrink would tell me that at least in some veiled subconscious way joking about it is a sign that it IS bothering me. I consider making a joke about not paying her and watching her eyes bulge out of her head but discretion wins out damnit!

With that in mind, Part of a conversation from work the other day:

Waitress::::: rambling on and on about something or other I have no idea::::

BD: (pouts out lip and gives best suspicious evil eye) “whatchhuuuu tawkin bout Willis?”

Waitress: ……………. (Blank look)

BD: “Arnold? Gary Coleman?.........Oh come on!...... Facts of life?”

Waitress: ……………. (Blank look)

BD: “ahhh let me guess you have never seen ‘Facts of life’?

Waitress: “facts of life?”

BD: “never mind I guess you are too young for that one, but believe me it (my impression of it as much as the show) was Fuuuuuun KNEEEE!"

Waitress: “shut up! You are not THAT much older than me!”

BD: “37”

Waitress: “no way! You are NOT that old.

This leads to a few minutes of the ‘yes I am/ No your not” game until she makes me pull out my license and prove it. I take this time to have a conversation in my mind with my shrink.

Shrink: “See? The way you are poking your chest out proudly jussssst a weee bit proves on some subconscious level you are bothered by it.”

BD: “no Doc, I’m not, old is better than dead.”

Shrink: “okay keep telling yourself that if you must but I think you know the truth.” Tell me you did not replay her last comment in your mind 4 times to make sure she said "you are NOT that old!" as opposed to "you are not THAT old!"

BD: How about if I DON’T pay you for my next few visits, how would that make YOU feel?

I am just getting to the good part where her eyes bulge out in panic when I am shaken out of my thoughts by:

Waitress: “I’ll be damned you ARE 37!”

BD: “yup, 37 and counting.”

Waitress: Wow, you are old enough to be my father!

BD: ummmm Doc? Doc? Shall I make those checks out to Dr. shrink or DOCTOR shrink?

For more Sunday scribblings please visit here.


Friday, October 20, 2006


Michael over at Cardiac fantasies and the Roadchick have this checklist going around of things people have(or haven’t) done. Below are my fairly boring answers, and a couple of comments to some of them as well.

Fill in what you’ve “done”:
( ) Smoked a joint
( ) Done cocaine
(X) Been in love
( ) Had a threesome
(x) Been dumped
more often than I care to admit. See ‘one night stand’ below for one

(X) Shoplifted
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
(x ) Been arrested
(X) Made out with a stranger
(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Had a crush on a teacher
( x) Been to Europe
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Seen someone die
( ) Thrown up in a bar
(X) Met a celebrity
(X) Met someone from the internet in person
( ) Been moshing at a concert
( ) Gone backstage at a concert
(X) Lain outside in the grass and watched cloud shapes go by
(X) Made a snow angel
(X) Flown a kite
(X) Cheated while playing a game
(X) Been lonely
(X) Fallen asleep at work
( x) Fallen asleep at school
(X) Used a fake ID
( x) Been kicked out of a bar
( ) Felt an earthquake
(X) Touched a snake
( ) Slept beneath the stars
( ) Been robbed
(X) Won a contest
(X) Run a red light
( ) Been suspended from school
( ) Had braces
(X) Felt like an outcast
( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) Had deja vu
( x) Totaled a car
( ) Stolen a car
(X) Hated the way you look
( x) Witnessed a crime
(X) Been to a strip club
( ) Been to the opposite side of the world
(X) Swum in the ocean
(X) Felt like dying
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
( x) Sung karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
( x) Had a bonfire on the beach
(X) Crashed a party
(X) Seen a tornado
(X) Had a wish come true
( ) Gone bungee jumping
Bungee jumping no, but I have always wanted to. Parachuting, hang gliding, rapelling, yes.
(x ) Screamed in public
( ) Told a complete stranger you loved them
(X) Had a one night stand
( ) Kissed a mirror The mirror kissed me, see one night stand,see been dumped

( x) Had a dream that you married someone
(X) Gotten your fingers stuck together with super glue
( ) Been a cheerleader
(X) Sat on a roof top
( x) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight
(X) Stayed up all night alllllll the time

(X) Not taken a shower for three days

(X) Made contact with a ghost while playing a Ouija board
( ) Had more than 30 pairs of shoes at a time
( ) Gone streaking
(X) Been skinny dipping
(x ) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
( ) Had sex in a public or semi-public place
(X) Been kissed by a complete stranger
( x) Broken a bone
( x) Caught a butterfly
( x) Mooned/flashed someone
( x) Had someone moon/flash you
( x) Cheated on a test
(X) Forgotten someone’s name
(X) Slept naked

Like I said fairly boring answers. If you are interested in participating consider yourself tagged. Leave a comment so we know to come check out your answers.


Thursday, October 19, 2006

I AM Walter Payton

I am Walter Payton .....

So I am on my way home pretty much minding my own business. It is pouring down rain so I didn’t really have much choice in the matter as I couldn’t really see worth a damn. On a whim, I decide to stop by one of my old watering holes for a bite to eat and perhaps an adult libation or two. This place is located in a typical little strip mall along with a State farm agency, a florist, and a dry cleaners next door. Like I said it was raining and me being as sweet as I am (oh and modest of course never let me forget to tell you how modest I am), I was worried about getting wet and melting you know? Therefore, I begin to formulate a strategy to avoid such problems. Instead of parking in the normal lot, I park out back as it is much closer and has much more cover. It is about 630 pm or so and still about an hour away from normal darkness time. However, thanks to Mother Nature it is looking more like darkness is only minutes away.

There is a little breezeway moving from that back parking lot to said watering hole and I have deduced that using it is the best way to avoid getting totally drenched in my penguin suit; other wise known as my banquet uniform of white tuxedo shirt, black pants,Black vest and (by now untied) bowtie. I gather my keys, wallet, cell phone and stuff, take a deep breath, open the door to mustang Sally and dart out into the rain heading for cover. It is only a short trip, maybe 15 strides if that. As I run through the rain, I see a number of rather large puddles ahead of me and make plans to dart to the left to avoid this one, dart to the right to avoid that one. I take a moment to consider the idea of going back to my car for a t-shirt and dropping the tuxedo shirt off at the dry cleaners as long as I am already here, but ultimately decide not to do so.

The little boy’s active imagination, is still with me even if I may be getting up there in years. As it so often does, it chooses odd times (like this one) to show up. A bolt of lightning chooses that very moment to light up the entire sky as well. These two things (along with being crazy) combine to make me feel a sort of change, a transformation if you will.

It was like the moment Spiderman got bitten by the Spider.

It was the Incredible Hulk getting zapped by the radioactive waves.

I am no longer simply peon extraordinaire.

I am no longer simply BD, writer of crappy stories and corny anecdotes read by 3 readers from all over the world.

Those are no longer simple puddles blocking my way.

That up ahead is no longer simply a watering hole serving awesome Chicken Quesadillas and a cold bottle of Icehouse if I choose to have one.

In that moment when my imagination chose to visit and the sky lit up with brilliant light I was transformed.

In that moment I became Walter Payton, Hall of fame running back for the Chicago bears for many years. I wasn’t the only one/thing transformed mind you.

In that moment, that watering hole became the end zone….

In that moment, the bright neon sign of the neighboring dry cleaners proclaiming ‘yes we are open’ was transformed into a giant scoreboard showing the bears were down by 6 points with 7 seconds left in the Super bowl.

In that moment, those puddles up ahead grew out of the ground like some scene from Lord of the rings, and became great big menacing blockers hell bent on keeping me from making a touchdown.

I am determined, and I can hear the crowd counting down the seconds as they urge me on.


I dodge to the left avoiding the puddle/defender on the right and continue to run.


The puddle on the left becomes a menacing tackler, drooling at the mouth, and coming at me as if I had accused his mother of wearing combat boots. I duck quickly and perform a spin move back to the right. I hear him screaming obscenities when he realizes he has missed me as well.

“Do you kiss your mother (who DOES wear combat boots by the way), with that mouth?” I taunt looking back and continuing to run for my life.


One final tackler dives at my feet trying to knock me down, but I leap in the air hurdling over him easily and feeling myself inching closer to the goal line.

As quickly as the transformation started it ends.

This must be how Cinderalla felt when the clock struck midnight........

Minus the hot pink lacey thong and the glass slippers anyways.

I am still in the air, when the menacing tackler I have just hurdled over turns back into the ankle deep puddle I was trying to avoid stepping in.

I am still in the air, when the goal line that had been there just moments ago becomes nothing more than an ordinary sidewalk.

I am still in the air, when the end zone I had envisioned leaping into transforms itself back into nothing more than the outer walls of the dry cleaning shop and I realize for the first time that it is rapidly getting much MUCH closer. As I sink back to earth I wonder if I will be able to do so before or AFTER I do a complete face plant into the side of it and go sliding down like Wile E. Coyote in the old road runner cartoons. meep meep indeed!

I breathe a huge sigh of relief when I realize I will come down with plenty of room to spare on the sidewalk.

My relief is short lived though. No sooner do my wet shoes come into contact with the sidewalk than I feel my legs start to slip right out from under me.

Before I know it I have gone into full blown “turtle mode” on my back, legs and arms flailing at the air.

Before I know it, I am spinning and reminded of the time when I was a kid when some friends and I spread a large cardboard box out on the lawn and started trying out that new fad known as break dancing. I really sucked at it back then, but on this day, and at this moment while I spin out of control Vanilla Ice ain't got chit on me!

I see my car…..

I see the building……

I see my car……

I see the building…..

I see my c………wait that building was getting awfully close

I turn my head back to see that I am right.

I have time to consider all the crap I am sliding through, its effects on my new starched white tuxedo shirt.

I have time to feel mud and water splashing all over my black vest and realize that all of a sudden that little mishap earlier with the chocolate mousse wasn't so bad.

I have time to notice and appreciate the irony of this happening right outside of a dry cleaners.

I have time to consider going back to the car for the t-shirt after all.

I have time to see the “yes we are open” light go off, and hear the dead bolt of the door right in front of me slam into place.

I have time to think uh oh, this is going to hurt.

I have time to think if only I could have done moves like this on that cardboard!

I have time to think damn you imagination!

I have time to think damn you Walter payton!

I have time for all kinds of things, but CLEARLY stopping is NOT among them.


I hit the door going no less than 320 miles per hour.

I go through a mental roll call in my head.

“Everyone check in! Feet?”

Feet: “check, everything is fine and dandy down here!”


Knees: “left knee is a bit bruised but he will be okay, right knee in full operating order!”

“Brain? you okay up there? No bleeding scalp wounds or anything I hope?” I ask remembering the 6 stiches I got in my head at the age of 10. Remembering the nine staples I got in my head at the age of 16. Mostly though, remembering having to have a huge bald spot shaved in my head both times. I have a moment of panic. I am not 10 anymore. I am not 16 anymore.

I have time to think , what if they shave a bald spot in my head this time and the hair doesn't grow back?

my thoughts are very rudely interuptted.

Ego: “screw the brains! screw the feet! What the HELL are you doing checking up on them for!!!???? You DO realize you are still lying on the ground in the middle of a rain soaked sidewalk don’t you? What if someone sees you? Get your ass up!!!!”

I have just agreed with the ego and am starting to pull myself up, cussing at the mud all over my white shirt when the Korean operator of the dry cleaners cracks open the door, sees me, decides I must be looking to have my shirt cleaned and screams in broken English

“We no open no moah, come back eeen moahnin, open seven dirty!” and slams the door in my face.

I couldn’t help laughing on my way home though I did NOT get any Quesadillas that night.

Safe to say, I did NOT get any adult libations that night either.