Monday, September 03, 2007

blackmail

I was able to ignore it for a while.

When I bought my first package of Just for men beard coloring, I said, nah I am not getting old. I am getting vain. That's all. No big deal.

When people started saying ' sir' to me: I let it go.

Or calling me "Mr."...........No big deal, it is just a sign of respect is all.

But I guess all good things come to an end. Today on my way to work, I got pulled over. The follwing is based on that event. Most of it is real, some of it was just in my head as I was thinking 'yep THIS is going in the blog".

Brain: Be cool, no big deal.

Officer: "how you doing today sir?"

Brain: "he called you sir, nope you are not getting old, sign of respect. hehe"

me: "fine how are you today sir?"

Officer: "Could I see your license please sir."

Me:(handing it over) "do you need my registration and insurance too?"

Brain: Good idea, just give him EVERYTHING he needs to write you a ticket right away! Hell why not just volunteer for some finger prints while you are at it!

Me: "Shut up!"

Officer: "Excuse me?"

Me: (coughing did I say that out loud?) "ummm nothing, I was just singing."

Officer: "Are you aware of the speed limit around here."

Me: "I wasn't sure exactly what it was in this area , but I figured it was 55 or so."

Officer: "It's 65."

Me: (looking shocked) "I was going over 65?????"

Brain: No fucking way you were going over 65! This bastard is going to try to write you a ticket for something you didn't do that is bullshit! He is looking to make a quota! Oh we gotta fight this! See? I told you Defending the doughnut munchers was a bad idea!

Officer: "you were doing 50"

me: (giving in to the trouble making side of my brain), " I don't think"(planning to say there is ANY bleeping way I was going that fast officer, NO damned way),,,,,,,

"wait, did you say 50?"

officer: "yes sir, I pulled you over because you were impeding the normal flow of traffic."

Brain: Dudeeeee, you got pulled over for driving too slow!,,,,,bwwwahhhhhahhhh! Wait'll I tell ..

Me: You can't tell ANYONE!

Brain: Like hell I can't! Unlesss....

Me: Unless what?

Brain: Well, we brains need things to survive, It is important to feed us daily to allow us to grow and be functional in the worl....

Me: Just get to it already you long winded bastard! What do you want?

Brain: I want porn!

Officer: "Here you go, I am not going to write you a ticket, but pay more attention to the flow of traffic okay? Have a great day."

Me: See? I didn't even get a ticket. And no you are not getting porn.

Brain: okay, but wait'll I tell the blogworld, wait'll I tell the real world! Course in my version your blinker will have been on for 45 miles...bwaaaa haaaaa haaaaa

Me: Go ahead and TELL the blogworld! I have two readers, big deal!

Brain: Yes, but when they tell two friends and THEY tell two friends and .....


And THAT future girlfriend who may discover long forgotten about porn stashed some where in my house is the ONLY reason it was there! Scout's honor!


BD

19 comments:

SWF42 said...

You got pulled over for going TOO SLOW????

*hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*

Turnbaby said...

You got pulled over for going too slow---omg----


AND


you told us?????


LOLOLOL

Do you eat supper at 4:30 as well? ;-)

heather said...

so... basicly the whole point of this post was to tell us that you bought yourself some porn today and had to justify it by telling yourself you only bought it to 'prove' (read as: convince yourself and hide the fact from everyone else) you're not old after all??


what i want to know is this, were you wearing a hat? ;-)

heather said...

btw, poor sally! :-(

a mustang should never know that kind of humiliation.

Liz said...

You have officially crossed the line of no return. Thanks for allowing me to enjoy your pain. Very, very funny post!

briliantdonkey said...

SWF: Did I say ME? ummm I meant a friend of mine! yeah a friend!

Turn: I was under serious interrogation when I admitted to it.

Heather: Hat? I wear a hat a lot....oh shit is wearing a baseball cap considered part of getting old?

Heather part two: Agreed, she was pretty pissed off about it.

Liz: Glad my pain provides you such pleasure.

heather said...

~everyone~ knows that the worst drivers in the world are old men in hats!!! sheesh, didn't we cover this on the show??

Susan said...

Should I type in all caps? Both so you can read them without increasing the font size and also so it's more like I'm screaming so you can hear it? ;)

Don't worry about going too slow. Some women like it nice and slow.

briliantdonkey said...

heather: I wouldn't say WORST but they are up there I suppose. yeah I guess we did cover it on the show, shit there went the memory! What were we talking about anyways?

Susan: Touche' my blue friend touche'

NoRegrets said...

That is SOOO great! I'm older than you (I think) and even *I* haven't been pulled over for impeding traffic flow!

Heather beat me to the punch though. Men in hats are the worst. I'm not sure if the hat causes the bad driving, or vice versa, but it's true.

Wavemancali said...

BD,

Send me your contact info and I'll send you some nipple moisturizer. I hear the belt really chafes them when you start hiking the pants up that high.

Scott said...

If you ever had any doubt that you're getting older, just remember, you got pulled over for going too slow.

Beth said...

Is that true?? You were almost ticketed for going too slow? Oh my gosh, that's funny. I have to tell my husband in the hopes that this will speed him up a bit.

Also, if you want my recipe for detergent or whatever, e-mail me at perfectneurotic @ yahoo.com. I'll e-mail it to you.

Susan said...

BD: I know you missed my blueness. :)

Tera said...

You're a riot BD! And from what I hear, old age does impede driving speed and ability! ;-)

the108 said...

I just peed my pants...LOL!

Chris said...

I have to side with your brain on this one:

Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!

Liz said...

BD- Where have you been? Don't tell me that another side effect of aging is forgetting that you manage a blog that some of use depend on?

James Burnett said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! OK, that's funny. You, my friend, need "young foot." Get the lead "in" already.