Sunday, June 25, 2006

The clarity of night writing contest...."When the lights went out"

I feel like a kid in a candy store lately. I came across a web site recently called Absolute ( . If any of you reading this have ANY interest in writing in general , I very highly recommend this site which I will be adding to my link list. The last few days I have gone here and clicked link after link to so many killer sites and blogs that it just blows my mind. Each one leads me to two or three MORE neat blogs or sites or valuable information. Most of them are in some way “writing related” but even if you have no interest in writing anything more than a blog I encourage you to visit. You may be quite pleasantly surprised.

I LOVE to read, and as such always have a book somewhere close by. The endless information on this site along with the countless links found within reminds me of how I feel when I walk into the local used book store down the road from me. The countless links are not unlike the endless shelves of books to be browsed, borrowed, bought, and read. The only thing missing is that ‘book’ smell, and I think my imagination provides that for me at times. That love of reading at some point sparked an interest in me to try and write something myself. I haven't acted much on that spark but i guess this blog,which i tend to use for 'fun' writing, has been one step along the way. It has allowed me to explore that interest while being safely hidden in anonymity behind my computer screen. Absolute write(or AW as a lot of people call it), has helped me take another of those steps, that of sharing some of my "not just for fun" writing.

One of the many links I came across along the way was a blog by Jason Evans called The Clarity of night.( Jason is hosting a writing contest. I won’t bore you with all the details (NOT that I find them boring by any means but if you have no interest in writing you may). I will however say that in this contest he has provided a picture and you are to write a story (250 words or less) from said picture. 250 words or less……. I have been accused of being long winded when writing be it email, posting, letters or whatever) many many many times. You only have to look at all my other posts to see that lol. I guess it is God's way of evening out the fact that i am TOTALLY the opposite in everyday conversation.

:::::: mental note to self::::: DON’T do that ‘many many many times’ stuff or you will really be out of words.

As such I can use up 250 words without blinking an eye. However, staying UNDER 250 and still managing to tell a story, now THAT could be a problem.... A challenge...... Just to put that into perspective a bit, This very post right this second is now close to 375 words already….. I LIKE challenges so I figured, what the hell. If you would like to join this contest head on over to Jason’s blog and enter. I am, and while crossing my fingers in hopes of not being the writers version of William wong(I THINK that was his name), of American idol infamy below is my submission….

When the lights go out

In 5 seconds 450,000 volts of electricity travels unseen like the wind thru the trees. It crosses numerous power lines to light up countless cities around the world. Barry Levine knew this all too well from years of working for the Citrus grove electric company to ‘keep the lights on’ as their motto says. How many nights had he braved the elements while Mother Nature threw limbs and debris at him at 40-80 miles an hour? Keep the lights on, Right.

His loving wife always told him his job would be the death of him. He set out every night for 17 years to prove her wrong and until now had succeeded. She had also accused him on numerous occasions of putting his job before his family which irked him to no end. Sitting here now, just before midnight he knew she was right on both accounts.

The lights had gone out for him at 4 minutes till midnight when the guard pulled the mask down over his face. How much time was left? Two minutes or mere seconds he did not know. He felt a bead of sweat trickle down his left temple just as officer Ulrich finished checking to make sure he was strapped in tight. At this moment,most people would be thinking about their family,heaven,or hell. All he could think was

450,000 volts………

5 seconds………….

and God I HATE when she is right!

Hope you enjoy, as always all comments not just the good ones are welcome.

NOte: i came back and edited this one a bit so it isnt my exact entry but close.


Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Anatomy of a restaurant part 1

Anatomy of a restaurant part 1

As someone who has worked in the food service industry for about 18 years I have experienced a lot. I have seen countless people come and go, only to see them re-appear at the next restaurant down the road and then the next one and the next one…... I have worked in a few myself including the two that I work in currently in numerous capacities from busboy, to room service attendant, to server, to bartender, to banquet setup person, to dishwasher, and even as a manager at times. The name above the door may change and certainly the names on the nametags of the people working inside these places change constantly. However, for the most part I have come to the conclusion that in a LOT of ways every restaurant is pretty much the same. Here are some of my observations about that and the different types of people you come across if you are there for just a short time. Mostly i am talking about cooks, servers,bartenders,managers and even bigwigs in the restaurant industry. However, i strongly suspect and even know to a degree these types of people exist in many other industries as well. A lot of these people can be classified in a certain way as you will see below. Some classifications seem more prevalent in servers than say bartenders or cooks but often they can be found in any part of the restaurant.

There are several different types of workers. It would probably take me 4 posts to cover servers alone. I classify some of them as follows in NO particular order.

  1. Houdinis…...
FBI profile: Usually between the ages of 18 and 24
-probably has had at least 4 jobs in the last 3 years
-most likely still lives at home with his/her parents or with 4 roomates in a 3
bedroom apartment.
-likely to be attending “college” to which he/she shows up for maybe
1 in 4 classes.
-Is probably almost ALWAYS 15 minutes late for work minimum
-Begins every other conversation with "dudeee i got SOOOOO trasheeed last

Houdinis are Most prominent in the server staff but certainly not limited to it. How to spot them: Most of the time their hair probably has a ‘fell asleep with it wet and since I was running late again this a.m. didn’t do anything with it’ look. NOTE: The female versions of Houdini may be a tad harder to spot hair wise thanks to scrunchies, hair clips, and the like but don’t worry. If you think you may have a female Houdini on your hands skip the hair and look at the make up. If there is a definite lack of make-up whereas there is normally plenty that is a dead give away.

Something about Houdini’s uniform is almost always screwed up badly enough that they should be sent home. (which is exactly what they are often hoping for) For example, in the server case of Houdini's ,,,,,Their apron probably looks like a potential scratch and sniff version of the menu. This is because they forgot to take it out of their car and have mommy wash it for them. Houdini does as little as he can get away with doing as often as he can get away with doing it. When there is something that needs to be done He or she(no no ladies I am not leaving you out of this I just don’t want to type he/she over and over again and have my blog mistaken as a transvestite hangout). ::::enter Seinfeld voice here:::: NOT that there is anything wrong with that! Anyways, as i was saying when there is something that needs to be done Houdini disappears like Dracula when the sun comes up....

They are the ones whose food you constantly get stuck running because they are never in the kitchen when it comes up. Likewise, you get stuck pre-bussing, and or bussing their tables because if you don’t all the tables in yall’s section will be dirty the next time it is your turn to be sat causing you to get skipped in the rotation. They are the one’s whom when you are stuck with them as your zone partner you spend all day looking around and asking “where the hell IS he/she???
However, once the work is done and all that is left is to pick up the tip from the table Houdini can and does re-appear out of nowhere like the statue of liberty during the David Copperfield magic hour.....
Hostess versions of Houdini's are the ones who are NEVER at the door when someone walks in. They are the ones who walk by the ringing phone 3 times rather than answer it, and always seem to be in the bathroom at the worst possible moment.
Manager versions of Houdini's may also be referred to (at least by me) as "keys" or even "cops". Have you ever seen your keys laying around the house 14 times or been driving down the road and passed 16 policemen within 10 minutes? If so, then i am guessing you have also experienced NEEDING those keys or a cop and NOT for the life of you been able to find them. Relax, men in blue,,,,,,my best friend is a cop so i am allowed to give him grief. If you really are upset by that joke, by all means feel free to write me a ticket or ten. My name is Bill......Bill Kirby.

Worker type # 2 MOE’s

We will call him/her MO because MO is short for MoooooooLASSSSSSSESSS. As in slower than.....

FBI profile: Probably did a lot of drugs when he was a kid
-may still be doing a lot of drugs currently
-usually tall, (at least 6foot) and skinny(no more than 160lbs)
-probably male but Female versions of Mo's are anything BUT
unheard of.
-almost always 80% legs.
-you begin every other conversation about him with the term "dudeee he must
be sooooooo trashed"
How to spot them: Remember how your parents and teachers used to tell you that drugs kills brain cells? Mo here was the poster child for that anti-drug campaign. He ambles along throughout the restaurant even in the most weeded of times as if he is walking through the park on a nice spring day and enjoying nature. Mo’s are not limited to servers at all. In fact, more often than not He is most likely your busboy or dishwasher. He can be found walking around the restaurant and giving credit where credit is due generally does a pretty damn good job. He just takes for freaking EVER to do it. Sometimes, as a reward for doing said good job Mo is given a chance to be a server, or a line cook as some sort of reward for a job well done. One thing you can count on though. As slow as Mo is, he always always always finds a way to be in front of you somehow. He is the restaurant version of the old lady in the fast lane. You know the one that drives 32mph in a 65mph zone with the left blinker on for mile after mile when you are in a hurry. Need to get in the computer ? There is mo in front of you punching stuff in like the computer is making him spell out ‘diet coke’ instead of just pushing the button that says ‘diet coke’. Whenever there is a doubt about spotting them, just LOOK where you need to get to in a hurry. Like the aforementioned old lady , sure as shit he will be in front of you. All that is missing is the old lady’s bumper sticker reading “ I may be slow but I am ahead of you’ to taunt you. Cook versions of Moes are the ones who take 9 minutes to ladle a cup of soup into the bowl and put it in the bowl regardless of whether it is busy or not. Manager types, are the ones who when you need change, a void, or are ready to check out and go home get side tracked 14 times on their way to doing so and forget about you or HAVE to take a smoke break before being able to do so.

That will do it for now, hope you enjoy and comments as always are welcome. More later

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Joke to share

I have no real post ready to submit today so i am just going to post a joke instead. I wish i could take credit for it but i got it from someone over at I wont post their name because i am not sure they would be comfortable with that, but if you like it give them the credit, If not give me the blame.This is my favorite site for anything involving cooking and i learned 90% of what i know about it there.
anyways here goes......

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, wereabout 200 women walking single file.The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said,

"I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this."Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"The woman replied,

"My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the twowomen.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Hope you enjoy. Happy fathers day to all the dads out there, including S.E.D who was as close to a father as i ever had.


Friday, June 16, 2006

Sometimes it is worth it

So I am working at Hellay (aka Hell A, aka my morning job)this morning. It is a fairly uneventful and slow day. I am down to my last two tables and then cleaning up before I can go home or at least on to Hellbee(see hell A comment above and figure it out.) At one table is an older couple who has finished eating and is getting ready to leave. At the other is a little boy ( I am guessing about 1 if that). He is sitting at the end of the table in a high chair and is flanked on one side by what I presume to be his mother. They have been in here a number of times before but this is the first time I have actually waited on them. Mom is spooning some flavor of Gerber’s baby food into his mouth as much as she can at least. It seems that the little guy(Kyle i found out later) is just wayyyyy toooo enamored with the goings on around him to eat.

As children at that age tend to do he has apparently discovered the law of gravity and is taking his mother’s keys, the crackers, the crayons and anything else he can get his hands on and dropping them over the edge, saying in the cutest voice “UH OH!” followed by the cutest little laugh that can’t help but to be contagious. This has gone on for a while and I have no problem with it at all. In fact, the innocent giggles of delight make the mess I know I will have to clean up worth it. It is easy picturing him in a couple of years (after all boys will be boys) doing the same thing but accompanying it with the sound effect of an approaching mortar grenade. (enter high pitched squeal here,,,,,,,pshheeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww BOOOOOOM!) Judging from the delighted look on his face he may already be thinking the sound, but hasn’t quite figured out how to make it yet is all. Either that or “UH OH” is baby talk for “hey everybody watch how many times I can make her pick this up for me!” Here comes that laugh again.

Anyways, Mom has ordered an appetizer and the salad bar to go with it. While trying to get him fed the appetizer has slowly disappeared. As I said I am cleaning up while keeping half an eye on them to make sure that they don’t need anything. I have all my tables done and am finishing up the last of the bisseling(floor sweeper) except for the area they are sitting in. Realizing I haven’t heard the sound of dropping keys or the inevitable "uh-oh' that follows it for a while I glance over to see that he is now focused on me. I make a couple of little faces at him and googly noises to which he roars with laughter. Finally,,,,,an audience that appreciates my level of humor!!!!

The keys it seems along with the crackers, crayons, mom and even gravity are all forgotten. He is looking at me and this funny little thing I am pushing back and forth across the floor. Mom meanwhile, who is sitting on the other side of him, is trying in vain to get him to look her way so she can feed him. Saying something like “ I guess if I don’t move over here you will never get him fed” I move to the other side of her. This has the expected result as his gaze follows me, and she is able to sneak another bite of crushed peas into his mouth. I look at him thinking “sorry lil man if I would have realized it was crushed peas I wouldn’t have helped, but then again if she can’t get YOU to eat em she may try to make ME so bon appetite!” He may have read my mind cause the "hey let's play some more peek-a-boo" look has clearly been replaced by "you freakin traitor I will get you for this!"
She finally gets him fed, and tells me thank you for doing that as I am refilling her tea and clearing off her appetizer plate.

“Your welcome, works every time” I say. “Were you still going to have the salad bar or did you want me to just take that off your bill?”

She appears to think for a minute and looks around the deserted section somewhat nervously.

“If you would like I can stay here with him and keep him occupied while you go up there”

“Thank you, but he will probably cry as soon as I start to walk away.”

“Not if he doesn’t realize you are gone” I say kneeling down picking up the keys and shaking them on the left side to distract him. Working like a charm again, he proceeds to take them from me and now EYE am the person he is playing the gravity check game with. This goes on for a few minutes before he realizes that mom is gone. Just as she predicted, his face begins to scrunch up and show the unmistakable beginning signs of getting ready to cry. I point to her(only about 8 feet away) and say

“It’s okay,,,,there she is see? Theres mommy”

He follows my finger and for a moment I am certain that a blood curdling scream is coming. With relief I see she is heading back to the table and he apparently sees the same thing cause he stops moments before letting loose with what was clearly going to be a hissy fit. Instead, he lifts out his little arms as if to reach for her.

“Theres mommy” I say……. “can you say Mommmaaa???”,,,,,,,,


“mommmmmma?” I repeat.

“Who is that?” I ask as she slides back into her seat.

“Can you say mommmmma?”

I stand up, as she tells me thank you again, and respond

“oh your welcome,” and jokingly added “ but had I known you were feeding him crushed PEAS I never would have helped with that part…..yuck!!!!!”

Just then Little Kyle lifts his right arm and pointing to her says “Mommmmma!”

I don’t really think much of it and proceed to finish pre bussing her table when I glance at her and see she has tears welling up in her eyes.

“Whoa” I think, “I was really only kidding about the peas comment lady!”

Followed closely by “Great BD you just Hadddd to be a smartass didn’t you?”

I consider my options,,,,,,,A)apologize ,,,,,,B) Run! C)try to talk my way out of it.

I look at Kyle and give him a Help me out here pal I'M the peekaboo guy remember? look.

Kyle just looks at me with a shit eating who is the traitor now hmmmm? look

Finally I stammer, “ummmmmm I’m sorry, I was only kidding about the pea comment but that was out of line” though I was thinking “jeeesh lady take a joke!”

“huh?” she asks and then responds “oh NO!! that’s not what I am crying about,,,,,,,that is just the very first time he has ever said that!!!

Like the title says, Sometimes it IS worth it. Not often mind you, but SOMETIMES indeed.

Monday, June 12, 2006

age old arguments

Age old argument

Today I want to talk about one of life’s biggest arguments. Something that I know us men and you women will never ever agree on. Who knows maybe I am just looking for trouble but I am going to go there anyways. Yes yes, you can put your hand on your hip, shake your head back and forth and waggle your finger back and forth(in your best Jerry springer show impression) allll you want but yes I did,,,,,,I DID just “go there”. Maybe I just re-read my last post where I admitted to ‘reading directions’ and am afraid of the local P.R.U(Penis Repossession Unit) showing up at my door and am hoping this will even things out a bit.

Anywaysss,,,,, Something I will never ever understand is how is it MY fault (or your husbands,boyfriends,brothers )that if you go to the bathroom, don’t check to make sure the seat is down and sit to the point of getting your butt wet… oh how someone please tell me how that is MY fault? Don’t get me completely wrong. I get that it could be annoying. Putting myself in your shoes(or more specifically your butt) I can see how it would suck. I can see how it would be embarrassing, disgusting and all of that. However, for the LIFE of me I will never understand how it is my fault. If I leave the seat up and the dog goes and drinks out of the bowl….okay THAT is my fault because the dog isn’t SUPPOSED to be smart enough to know better!

-If I/we leave the seat up and a child goes in there to play in the toilet, by all means guilty your honor, that is MY fault because the child doesn’t KNOW better.

However, you are NOT a dog or a child that doesn’t know better, I am sorry but I respectfully submit that you have NOONE else to blame but yourself!

By the same token,,,,if EYE go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and while doing so take advantage of one of the few advantages of being male(the ability to pee standing up) and as I am doing so I realize ohhhh HELL I am splashing all over hell's creation and peeing on my feet because someone ELSE left the seat down,,,,,guess what? I have NOONE to blame but myself! It is not YOUR fault for leaving the seat down is it? Does that somehow make you ‘insensitive’ for leaving it down instead of in the position most suited for me? My answer to these questions is NO. It is not your fault I just pee’d on my feet. It is MY FAULT because EYE failed to check ahead of time. NO you were NOT being insensitive to my needs by leaving the seat down. EYE just made the mistake and am now paying the price for said mistake. Mental note: From now on make sure the seat is up…….done,,,,, Much like the unforgettable "hey let's go WITHOUT underwear today" idea of my youth which was followed soon after by what was termed even at the young age of 4 or 5 as "the farkin ZIPPER incident" I can say with a certain amount of certainty I will never make that mistake again!!!!

That being the case,, WHY OH WHY am I suddenly an insensitive bastard for not considering you by leaving the seat down to ensure you don’t fall in?

At thirty seven I have no idea how many times in my life I have gone to the bathroom sitting down. Just for the sake of argument though I am going to say once a week for my entire life. That is 1924 times MINIMUM!!!!! I don’t think that I have EVER managed to fall in. IF I ever did, it must have been when I was too young to remember. That being the case I obviously figured out ‘hmmmm check to make sure the seat is down or your butt is going to get wet’. Likewise , I at a very young age I am sure I touched a hot stove and quickly figured out that was not a very good idea.

All that being said, before you get up a group to come and hang me, shoot me, or make me go shopping and watch oprah, I will say this. I DO try to put the seat down, just to be nice or avoid trouble or whatever. However, I will NEVER understand why doing so is MY responsibility. Why doesn’t that work both ways? If it is OUR responsibility to make sure the toilet seat is in the optimum position for your next visit to the bathroom then shouldn’t it likewise be YOUR responsibility to afford US the same courtesy?

If I am driving down the road and make a sharp quick turn and tumble out of the car because I forgot to close my door who’s fault is that? Answer MINE!

If I ever go parachuting again, and realize half way to the ground ohhh shit I don’t have a parachute on,,,,,,Who’s fault is that? Answer,,,,,MINE! Nottttt the guy sitting next to me who should have (by the woman’s way of thinking) made sure I had a parachute on. Should this ever happen by all means you have my permission to laugh at me when I bounce. You even have my permission to stand over my wrecked, twisted body and say in as loud a voice possible "see? thats Karma's way of telling you to put the seat down!"

If I go to walk out of the house and BLAM! I walk straight into the door….Who’s fault is that? Is that MY fault for not opening the door first or YOUR fault for not leaving it open for me when you clearly left before I did? Answer……MINE.

if you make dinner and I take a huge bite, scolding the inside of my mouth……Is it My fault for not blowing on the food to cool it off or YOURS for not doing it for me? Answer…..MINE!

Are we noticing a pattern here yet?

Before someone sends me a ‘well the seat should be down because that way you cant see the inside of the toilet’ comment let me go ahead and refute that ahead of time.

It is a bowl,,,,,,,

with water in it……..

everyone has one……..

If it has recently been used and the toilet wont flush, then by all means you are right the seat belongs in the down position…..

Other than that, if it looks soooooo bad that your worried about it being seen guess what? IT NEEDS CLEANING! By all means let me know that and EYE will be glad to do it, but what I won’t be glad to do is agree that it belongs in one position or the other…...

I am not kidding myself. I know that I will never win this argument. However, I also know that on behalf of all my fellow ‘stand up and pee’ers’ I will never admit defeat either.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Rites of passage

Rites of passage

There are certain rites of passage that every boy,teen,man must go through on the journey to being a man. Some are good ,,,,,The first time you learn to ride a bicycle without the training wheels…..Your first date, first kiss,,,,,,I won’t go any farther, you get the picture.….. Some on the other hand are not so good. The inevitable broken bone, the first breakup, Puberty,,, the last breakup etc; etc;…… I myself have recently gone through one of those rites of passage that would have to be considered NOT the good kind…. Not the good kind at all. At 37 years old it is safe to say I am at the very least starting to show my age a little bit. Things that used to bruise now tend to break instead, getting out of bed in the morning isn’t nearly as easy as it used to be. The bones creak, the ankles, knees, and back hurt like hell at times but all in all I guess I consider myself to be fairly lucky in that regard.

As I sat on my couch a couple of months ago staring at this little package in my hand which I had finally broken down and purchased, I couldn’t help but to remind myself of this. Let’s face it, I am getting older and whether I want to admit that I am starting to feel it or not it is indeed the case. I had crossed the threshold of denial weeks ago when I purchased this item but as of yet had not crossed the threshold of actually putting it to use. Sitting on my couch watching ‘friends’ for the 14 billionth time(a friend of mine tells me all the time I exaggerate, but I have NO idea where they get that idea from). I was staring at this box of, no not Viagra I’m not THAT old yet damnit!,,,,,,,,,This box and still telling myself that I wasn’t ever going to use it, it was just there as some sort of security blanket “just in case I ever needed it.” Using it after all would possibly be breaking a long standing agreement not to do so. The repercussions of which I shuddered to think about.

I have always had a pretty full head of hair(thanks Grampy) and for that I am quite grateful. I have always said that I really don’t care if my hair goes gray it wouldn’t bother me much if it did. In fact, with visions of George Costanza from Seinfeld, dancing around in my brain I made a deal with my hair a long long time ago which went something like this.

BD: “I don’t care what color you turn knock yourself out but whatever you do please please please, just STAY IN MY HEAD!”

Hair: “I will try but I can’t promise not to explore your back someday when you are much much older.”

BD: “do what you must, but don’t think that back, ear,knuckle, or nose hair is a fair substitution for HEAD HAIR!”

Hair: “are you sure? You know that whole ‘comb your last 14 strands of hair around your head and try to cover your whole scalp’ look is really underated I hear the ladies dig it.”

BD: “NO! I am not doing that, in fact, the first sign of baldness, I am shaving it all off! You either all stay there, or NONE of you that’s the deal.

Hair: “okay okay relax!!! , I guess I can live with that, you got yourself a deal.”

For it’s part my hair has (knock on wood) always held up it’s end of the bargain. For my part, I must say I have as well. Better still, I can say that as far as my head is concerned I don’t have all that much grey not enough to the point that I am worried about it at least. My beard on the other hand or more specifically my mustache……now THAT has been starting to irritate me for a while. It started with a couple popping up dead center and has slowly spread outward till it looks like i have the worlds smallest skunk taped to my upper lip. Therefore, unable to take it anymore there I was sitting on my couch with a box of ‘Just for men beard and mustache coloring” which had been purchased weeks and weeks before hand in an attempt to perhaps Scare it away....

So I am sitting on my couch reading the instructions for the 17th time. Yes, yes contrary to popular belief , men really can read directions ,I read them several times to be sure in fact. Also contrary to popular belief while reading instructions may be against some sort of man law the penalty is not as bad as it is thought to be……as of yet noone has shown up to repossess my penis.(again knock on wood)


1)-Wearing gloves(to prevent staining)squirt a line of color developer into tray on one side of the raised line,,,,,,check!

2)-squirt an equal size amount of the color base on other side of raised line…CHECK!
NOTE:avoid getting on clothes or sink and such to avoid staining…check!

3)-wipe ends of tubes(to prevent staining) and put away for future use.

4)-using mini spatula type instrument provided mix product from two tubes together….chhhheeee,,,,,,,,wait,,,,,,,HOLD UP ON THAT check!!!

As I do this I am somewhat surprised to see that rather than the dark black color i was expecting, it turns a light brownish or better yet tan color. ….It is like a cup of black coffee that has just had a dash of creamer added to it.

Since I have Black hair and mustache, this is cause for concern for me. I am not looking to go sandy blonde, THAT middle age crisis is still at least a month or two away lol. I go back to the tubes making sure that one is indeed “Black” like it is supposed to be,,,,,check….and the other is “color base” as it is supposed to be…….check ,,,,,and check….and reread the instructions yet again to make sure I haven’t already screwed up…….check!

Okay back to the business at hand.

5)-Using gloves provided (to prevent staining of the hands) check!,,,,,,,,,,,,,and mini brush provided Check…….use brush to apply product quickly….Check!

6)-Important: Time yourself with a timer, clock, or watch starting after application is completed waiting 15 minutes or a bit less. Having read this instruction 99 times I have previously set my microwave so all I have to do when I am done is run out of the bathroom push start and wait. …..CHECK!!!!

Fifteen minutes is a long time, especially when you are anxious, but I force myself to go into the living room, sit on the couch, relax , and watch television. After about 12 minutes I cant stand it any more so I grab the instructions yet again and begin reading them for the 100th time and be sure of what I need to do next. Yada yada yada......spatula,,,,gloves,,,,,,timer,,,,,,,a loud "HUH?" must have escaped me cause Kash my dog is looking up at me like i have lost it yet again. I blink first thinking my eyes are deceiving me,,,,surely they must be cause I read these damn things countless times……..OH SHIT!!!! It says 5 minutes not fifteen!!!! Just then as if to mock me I hear beeeeeeeeeeeeep as my microwave tells me that time is up…….I have visions of the brady bunch or some such show where someone’s attempt at hair coloring goes horribly wrong, and comes out green instead. I force myself to breath normally and tell myself that all will be okay, and walk into the bathroom.

Glancing into the mirror I am terrified at what I may see. There where my mustache and goatee were previously spotted with grey, I see black whew!!!!.
As I get closer to the mirror though I see that it isn’t just the mustache and goatee that are black, it is the skin under it. It is the skin allllllll around it,,,and I am talking BLACK!. I flash back to a time as a child getting ready for Halloween when I was going to dress up as a rodeo clown. Doing so I naturally had to paint my entire face white. For this purpose we had used one of those little bottles of shoe polish. You know the kind with the little felt top that you squeeze the liquid from the bottle out onto and it covers this felt top and then you spread it where it goes? Looking at myself in the mirror it is as if I have done this to myself again all these years later.
In a panic, My minds eye blinks in rapid succession, like a night marish slide show reminding me …..

rule 1)wear gloves (to prevent staining),click…

brady bunch or some sitcom show of hair coloring gone bad,,,,,,,Click!

,,,,,note: avoid getting mix on clothes,,,,,to prevent staining!! Click…........

wipe ends of tubes after use(to preeeeveeeentttt staining!!!!!)…click

Valerie(the lady that cuts my hair) laughing as she tells the story of one of her customers
Coming in to be rescued after a “self hair coloring gone bad” episode……..

time yourself CAREFULLY,,,waiting only five minutes(damnit it said fifteen I swear!!!!) or a bit less prevents color from going too dark!!!!

Valerie: “if you want I can color that for you”(commenting on my mustache without me having said a single word to anyone of my concerns of it) BD: “nahh”,,,,,,,, click

I also see in my minds eye another conversation with my hair that goes as follows:

Hair: “we had a deal!”

BD(feigning ignorance): “what???”

Hair: “you saiddd you didn’t care what color we went as long as we stayed in your head and here you are coloring your hair! See what you get?”

BD: “I didn’t color my hairrrrrr it is my beard! My mustache,,,,,THAT don’t count!”

Hair: “pardon the pun, but that’s ‘splitting hairs’ and you know it!” and speaking of hair splitting,,,,,,,mwahhhhhhh haaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaa!!!”


I reach for the sink to turn it on ready to wash it all off, and suffer a moment of panic when I think oh shit the water is out!....After a momentary pause it finally comes on and I scrub like there is no tomorrow. For the most part everything turned out okay but for days, I swore everyone that looked at me was staring at me like I had the world’s biggest zit and they couldn’t look away no matter how hard they tried. For weeks, even when they WERENT staring at me I thought, “ohhh shit they are trying soooo hard not to stare at it that it must still be there!!!! Even NOW, I can see one spot just to the side of my goatee where there is still a faded black spot……It is probably all in my imagination(I hope) but I swear sometimes when the light is right(or wrong) I still see it!

I said before contrary to popular belief men CAN read instructions……

I never said anything about being able to actually follow them however…….