Monday, July 30, 2007

I will title this later part II

In case you missed it scroll down a little bit to read part one then come back to read the rest.

There are certain truths in life that can NOT be denied which I have known for a long time.

- taxes
-death
-If you are running late for something you will get stopped by EVERY red light.
-If you actually DO need to stop, to reach in the glove box or because you have dropped a drink in your lap, you will NOT be able to catch a red light no matter how much you try.

-If you are in a hurry to go thru the bank teller, the car in front of you WILL send the chute thingy back no less than 3 times.

Some I learned very recently are :

-If you have to go to the bathroom, this need will multiply exponentially the very second you realize you are out of TP. Within seconds your body's polite 'ahem perhaps it is a good time to go' message turns into a more urgent 'you need to hurry' message.

Brain: "No need to panic, everything is under control. Walmart is open all night and only 6 minutes away."

Body: " Okay, but hurry will ya?"

I was pulling into the walmart parking lot less than 3 minutes later saying a little prayer of thanks for not getting pulled over. It was 11:59 pm.

Brain: "That is odd ,the parking lot is unusually crowded for this time of night. I wonder why?"

Body: "Dude, you don't have time to wonder about that, get in, get out, who gives a shit why?!"

The smartass part of my brain took a microsecond to realize under any other circumstance the 'who gives a shit' question would be kind of ironic at this point. Discretion being the better part of valor it kept these thoughts hidden.

Brain: "No problem,I will run inside grab the nearest toilet paper, and be home in 8 minutes, you can hold on for 8 minutes can't you?"

Body: "okay, but hurry!"

smartasss part of brain:(unable to control itself) "But hurry?" or "BUTT hurry"?

Brain: "Legs? Go! go! go!"

Ignoring the odd looks of people seeing a man sprinting across the store, I was heading back to the front of the store to checkout less than a minute later. I suspect this is what Carl Lewis, world class sprinter would look like.

If he was white.

If he had a strained worried look on his face.

and if he had to hold it while competing for a gold medal.

Brain: "All we have to do is checkout and we will be home in 6 minutes."

Body: "Okay we will hold it together until then!"

Buttcheeks: "Phew! I was worried for a second that we were going to have to use a public restroom but am glad to hear it is going to be okay!"

I begin to relax a little bit feeling like I am going to make it easily after all.

And then I see it. All four open lanes have quite a few people in them. I have NO idea what the actual population of this tiny town is. I would say AT MOST 20,000 and more likely MUCH closer to 5,000. I don't know what the official number is, but I SWEAR at this moment every single ONE of them is standing in front of me in line.

Brain: "what the HELL is that all about? Eyes! Eyes can you see anything"

Eyes: "Well that lady right there has a really nice ..."

Brain: "Psssst!!!!!Damnit man! Don't you DARE say 'ASS'! Focus damned you!"

Eyes: "okay okay geeeesh! Oh shit errrrrr shooot!"

Brain: "what? What do you see?"

Eyes: "It's 12:03 isn't it?,,,,,we may be in deep doo do....errrr Trouble! We may be in deep trouble."

Brain: "why? what's wrong?"

Eyes: "It's Harry Potter day!"

Butt: "Grrrroannnnn"

Brain: "Plan b, plan b! Buttcheeks, you are going to have to deal with it, Public restroom it is!"

Legs: "already working on it, it is just up ahea....."

Eyes: "Sonofabitch!"

Brain: "what now?"

Eyes: "It's out of freaking order!"


I am still really new to this town. A few things have become quickly obvious. EVERYONE seems to know EVERYONE. Before, I could go months without EVER running into someone I know away from the place that I know them. In the 15 years I was at my last job, I think I ran into someone from there away from work ten times at the most. Here it is different. You simply can NOT go anywhere without running into someone that knows you. There we had a daily newspaper filled with, sports, movies and the like. Here, there is a weekly paper.

By far the most popular pages people seem to read are the 'who got arrested for what' pages. Not a whole lot of 'big news' happens around here. Next monday, when the paper comes out I fear I will see a big headline reading .

"DUMBASS CITY BOY TRANSPLANT PAYS $20 DOLLARS FOR A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER AND LEAVES WALMART IN A HURRY!" Story page 2

In the meantime I won't be going back to Wally world for a while. Also, it is safe to say that of all the reading material that may make it to my throne room, Harry Mother fucking potter will NEVER be invited.


Dear Mom,

I will work on the procrastinating thing.

Love,

BD

10 comments:

Mr. Fabulous said...

Yep, I can see that happening LOL

Hey, you were great on Colleen's show last night!

Susan said...

Oh mannnn....I knew Harry Potter would lead to nothing but trouble.

Tera said...

Trouble, trouble, TROUBLE!

Wavemancali said...

(Giddy with glee that it has not been done yet.)

Wavemancali waves his magic wand....

"Buttus Clenchicus!"

christine said...

lol of course it had to be Harry Potter day!

Suz said...

So when your mom said it would come back to bite you in the ass, she was really being quite literal about the ass part, huh?

SWF42 said...

Somebody told me there was some Potter 'dissing going on over here.

Say it ain't so, Joe! :-)

(Besides, it's really your fault, not Harry's. You should have bought t.p. when you were at the store before. *lol*)

briliantdonkey said...

Fab: thanks, I was a bit of a blogtalk whore that day.

Susan/Tera: I suspected they would as well. Damn Harry potter

Dave: I knew someone would go there. lol

Suz:I guess it is true, she IS indeed always right. Sometimes more right than she knows.

SWF: Agreed, my fault but "I went to the store and bought TP" tends to make a shitty post.

BD

SWF42 said...

*lmao*

heather said...

think positive bro, all that butt clenching has to be good for the glutes. ;-)



oh and, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! you dumb ass! you ~NEVER~ put off buying toilet paper. i try my best to never let the supply get below three rolls at my house, cause the minute i do someone drops a roll into the toilet, one or both of the cats gets frisky with a second roll and the third roll dissapears completely.

nope, won't run low on tp ever again.