Friday, September 28, 2007

If dogs could talk

Sometimes it is hard to get what your pet is trying to tell you. With practice though, it is kind of funny how you can pick up on how certain body language means 'pet me' or "hey your home nice to see you!" It can range from "when you get the chance I kind of have to tinkle"(I am not sure why I imagine Kash to have a british accent when I get that look but I do).

It can be as simple as "I have to go".

or as urgent as "no no, don't finish reading that paragraph and then let me out I HAVE TO GO RIGHT FREAKING NOW!"

It can be as polite as "excuse me, but did you happen to notice my water dish is getting low" to "hey dipshit if you don't refill it soon I am going to drink out of the toilet JUST so I can pee on the floor!" It is kind of odd how over time you can pick up on this sort of thing.

I often wonder if they are only in my mind. However I am pretty sure Kash and I just had the following interaction.

Kash: "hey your home, cool! and No, I DON'T have to think about it to make my tail wag like this, it just happens. How many times we going to have this talk?"

Me: "hey girl, you gotta go outside"

Kash: "sure, but no rush, ,,,,,take your time, get undressed, youve had a long day."

10 minutes later she returns and is back to her lazy calmed down self.

me: "you hungry?" She usually answers to "kash" but always ALWAYS answers to 'you hungry' or "do you want this?"I wonder if she thinks THAT is her name?

Kash(perk),,,,,,(tail now wagging the dog) She follows closely behind me as I go in the other room with her dish.

She watches closely, trying to play it cool but clearly barely able to contain herself as I set the dish down in front of her, then looks up at me again.

Kash: "Whats this shit?"

Me: 'what? food"

Kash: "this isn't food, it's kibble!"

Me: "It's dog food"

Kash: "dude, where have you been all day.

Me: "work of course"

Kash: "and you work where?"

Me: "at a restaurant, you know that."

Kash: "and what do you have at that restaurant?

Me: "The usual, steak, potatoes, stuff like that."

Kash: "Eggs? Ribs? Pork chops?"

Me: "ummm yeah, and?"

Kash: "sell a lot of kibble at that restaurant do ya?"

Me: "lol, no"

Kash: "bingo!"

Saturday, September 15, 2007

An open letter

Just something I found in my email box. Oldie but goodie.

To whom it may concern

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet
towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my
every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore
because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt. Who
requested it.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a
wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat
when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God"
on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since
I can now cough myself back to life instead of wasting time calling

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it bites me in the ass.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney
has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how
to fix everything.

Another thank you for sending pictures and videos
that take 5-20 minutes to download. Yes, occasionally they are
cute, however*.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there
by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this message to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a

Have a wonderful day, and you are welcome !!

Monday, September 03, 2007


I was able to ignore it for a while.

When I bought my first package of Just for men beard coloring, I said, nah I am not getting old. I am getting vain. That's all. No big deal.

When people started saying ' sir' to me: I let it go.

Or calling me "Mr."...........No big deal, it is just a sign of respect is all.

But I guess all good things come to an end. Today on my way to work, I got pulled over. The follwing is based on that event. Most of it is real, some of it was just in my head as I was thinking 'yep THIS is going in the blog".

Brain: Be cool, no big deal.

Officer: "how you doing today sir?"

Brain: "he called you sir, nope you are not getting old, sign of respect. hehe"

me: "fine how are you today sir?"

Officer: "Could I see your license please sir."

Me:(handing it over) "do you need my registration and insurance too?"

Brain: Good idea, just give him EVERYTHING he needs to write you a ticket right away! Hell why not just volunteer for some finger prints while you are at it!

Me: "Shut up!"

Officer: "Excuse me?"

Me: (coughing did I say that out loud?) "ummm nothing, I was just singing."

Officer: "Are you aware of the speed limit around here."

Me: "I wasn't sure exactly what it was in this area , but I figured it was 55 or so."

Officer: "It's 65."

Me: (looking shocked) "I was going over 65?????"

Brain: No fucking way you were going over 65! This bastard is going to try to write you a ticket for something you didn't do that is bullshit! He is looking to make a quota! Oh we gotta fight this! See? I told you Defending the doughnut munchers was a bad idea!

Officer: "you were doing 50"

me: (giving in to the trouble making side of my brain), " I don't think"(planning to say there is ANY bleeping way I was going that fast officer, NO damned way),,,,,,,

"wait, did you say 50?"

officer: "yes sir, I pulled you over because you were impeding the normal flow of traffic."

Brain: Dudeeeee, you got pulled over for driving too slow!,,,,,bwwwahhhhhahhhh! Wait'll I tell ..

Me: You can't tell ANYONE!

Brain: Like hell I can't! Unlesss....

Me: Unless what?

Brain: Well, we brains need things to survive, It is important to feed us daily to allow us to grow and be functional in the worl....

Me: Just get to it already you long winded bastard! What do you want?

Brain: I want porn!

Officer: "Here you go, I am not going to write you a ticket, but pay more attention to the flow of traffic okay? Have a great day."

Me: See? I didn't even get a ticket. And no you are not getting porn.

Brain: okay, but wait'll I tell the blogworld, wait'll I tell the real world! Course in my version your blinker will have been on for 45 miles...bwaaaa haaaaa haaaaa

Me: Go ahead and TELL the blogworld! I have two readers, big deal!

Brain: Yes, but when they tell two friends and THEY tell two friends and .....

And THAT future girlfriend who may discover long forgotten about porn stashed some where in my house is the ONLY reason it was there! Scout's honor!


Blog talk

One of my recent blog finds, Turnbaby of 'And as the world turns' (blog) and Turnbaby talks(Blog talk radio show) has been talking a lot about the urban dictionary and how funny it is. I finally managed to check it out for myself and have to agree. My dictionary dot com word of the day often finds its way into my trash bin unread. This one however, is being read daily. I guess I won't be getting any smarter, but I feel more hip by the minute. Thanks for the heads up Turn.

Here are some of my favorites of late.....

1)errorist: Someone who repeatedly makes mistakes. Says stuff he believes is true, but anyone with common sense can see he's wrong. A dumbass.

Bush is talking on tv again. What a f***ing errorist.

2)Elevision:The act of people in an elevator staring up, uncomfortably, at the numbers as they light up when the car moves. Practiced out of nervousness.

When the elevator began moving, silence ensued as each person practiced their elevision.

Note: I wonder if there is a word like "peevision" or 'wee wee vision' ? The art of staring straight ahead at the wall while using the urinal. Perhaps considering the political news this week we could even call it Sen-avision or Craig-avision.

3)Mouse arrest-
Getting grounded from the family computer.

"That's it, you are under mouse arrest mister!" - Your mom after discovering your pornfolio

4)butt dial-
When your cell phone accidentally calls someone you did not mean to while on your person.

I called her a fucktard. She heard cause my phone butt dialed her.

The female version of jack off: unassisted autoerotic stimulation.

Her boyfriend was out of town, so she got in the hot tub to jill off.

6)Dinner badge-
Dried stains of kebab juice, curry sauce or gravy all over your shirt from messy eating.

That's an impressive dinner badge you've got there. What did you eat, pizza?

7)Work hot-
A person that may or may not be hot, but is the most attractive person in the set of people you work with so you lust after him/her.

Person 1: So this new girl at your work is she hot?Person 2: Hell yeah...well I mean she's work hot.

An unintentional, seconds-long nap that you take most often in class or a really boring meeting. So short that usually nobody but you notices.

I caught myself taking a nano nap on that conference call.

An attractive woman in her late 20s or early 30s. She is a pre-cougar/urban cougar.

I think that puma just grabbed my ass.

And possibly my favorite one of all

A person who is not only ignorant, but is also an asshole.

Hope everyone has had a great weekend and has a happy safe labor day.