Saturday, September 15, 2007

An open letter

Just something I found in my email box. Oldie but goodie.

To whom it may concern

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet
towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my
every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore
because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt. Who
requested it.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a
wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat
when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God"
on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since
I can now cough myself back to life instead of wasting time calling

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it bites me in the ass.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney
has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how
to fix everything.

Another thank you for sending pictures and videos
that take 5-20 minutes to download. Yes, occasionally they are
cute, however*.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there
by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this message to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a

Have a wonderful day, and you are welcome !!


Turnbaby said...


It's true about the Coke you know ;-)

Mr. Fabulous said...

But aside from that, life is good?

SWF42 said...

Quick... I need the names and email addresses of 143,999 people.


the108 said...


I know all too

Tera said...

I enjoy this every time I read it!!! Love the post!

Beth said...

Now THAT was hysterical. The weird part is so much of it is actually true I was thinking, "Is all of it true????" Total panic.

heather said...

:-) thanks for the laugh, i needed it.

Chris said...


Wait....did they cover the "$200 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe"? I have to go back and look:)

heather said...


heather said...


briliantdonkey said...

turn: yes I have heard that it is. Hate to think what it is doing to my stomach since I drink 10 or so a day. Caught you in archives as usual,,,,,fabulous(choice of wording has nothing to do with the next commentor) show.

Fab:They would be better if the sox would freakin clinch this thing finally. here comes october.

SWF: I'm working on that list as we speak.

Kira: WB, good to see you

Tera: me too

Beth: yes they do all seem to have some basis in fact I suppose. Scarey.

Heather: yw, 4billion more and we will be even

Chris: was hoping to keep that one for myself thanks for blowing it.

Heather: what are you doing? I thought you were saying I was a ten, now I think maybe you are counting my days of laziness/postlessness?

CrazyBunnyLady said...


heather said...

2nd guess was the charm :-)

and i sooo do ~not~ owe you 4 billion....oh, wait... you meant you owe me right????

if you say so. you are the oldest after all. ;-)

btw aewqv sucks as a wv!