Friday, August 24, 2007

Michael Vick Jury selected

No wonder he plead guilty.


Thursday, August 23, 2007

joke of the day

When girls don't put out!!This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!This is really funny!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.FOR EXAMPLE:One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Monday, August 20, 2007

into the world of the unknown

Maybe it is the alcohol. Maybe it is a lack of sleep. Maybe it is just delusions of thinking I can actually pull it off, but as you can see, I decided to try out a new look. I hate to look closer to see what I managed to screw up, but there isn't any smoke coming from my keyboard and the blog didn't disappear(sorry to disappoint you) so it wasn't as bad as I feared it may be. I see all my links(which were so carefully kept up to date at all times) are gone. That along with my 'about me' (no big loss). I am pretty sure I managed to back all that up ahead of time so hopefully that is an easy fix. Time will tell. Anyways, I have more work to do on it, but so far I like the look at least. I found a cool new site with all sorts of blog templates on it. I have them to thank for the new template. Check them out for yourselves by clicking here.(Blog flak). I think it is even fairly(though I am determined to prove), NOT completely, dummy proof.


Thursday, August 16, 2007

funny of the day

I just got this via email and thought it was funny so thought I would pass it along.

Do Elephants Really Have a Good Memory?

In 1986, Mike Hogan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty-one years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mike and his son Owen were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Crazy creatures

After careful consideration I have come to the conclusion that women are all insane. All of em! One of my best friends used to say this to me all the time. I would simply laugh a little bit, nod my head and agree. I had no idea just how right he was.

Exhibit A)
I pull in to work and walking through the parking lot I notice a strange car that I haven't seen before. Upon closer inspection I see that someone has carved the word "slut" into the hood apparently with a Key. I walk inside, and ask around about the car.

Claire:"That is mine"

Me: "Um, well, I know you have been getting harrassed lately. I hate to break it to ya, but someone has carved the word "slut" into your hood." I then back up waiting for the explosion I know is coming.

Claire: "Oh no, I did that."

Me: "YOU carved it on there? Um,,,,but why?"

Claire:(laughing),,,,,,"It's James' car not mine."

Me: "James, your boyfriend that you have been bitching and crying about for the last two weeks?"

Claire: "Yeah"

Me: "The one I seem to recall you calling a worthless cheating bastard, THAT James?"

Claire: nodding her head. "but we are back together now and he loveeeees me."

Me: "Back together?"

Claire: "yep"

Me: "with the guy you said had a 2 inch penis, still lives with his mother, and can't hold a job for more than two days. THAT James? WHY on EARTH would you get back together with that asshole?"

Claire: "Screw you! don't you be calling my man names!"

Me: "Okay, okay calm down, I am just repeating what YOU said last week."

Claire: "I know but it is different now. He is even letting me drive his car."

Me: "The one you carved the word SLUT into the hood of?"

Ohhhhh the irony.

I have always found it kind of comical yet sad to watch someone bash the hell out of their ex and then end up right back with that same person. Men do it to granted, but that doesn't make it any more understandable to me.

Crazy creatures you all are.


Sunday, August 12, 2007

Great balls o' fire

If you work outside for a living feel free to ignore this ranting post.

If you live in Minnesota or Wisconsin, or Boston, or the like and it is currently 90 degrees or warmer by all means, tell me to shut the hell up and ignore this post.

IF, However, you live as I do, in Florida and you are bitching about the heat I feel absolutely no pity for you. Shut the hell up and deal with it already! A few points:

1- Attention all you Scholars out there: It is a simple case of GEOMETRY you stupid Maroon! Generally speaking, the farther you move North in this country, the cooler it is. And the farther you move south? You got it, generally, the farther you move south the WARMER it is! Deal with it.

2- Now go dig out your map, google it on the Internet or even grab you a globe. Where is Florida? It is about as freaking south as you can go in this country. Therefore, oh genius you, it is generally going to be about as hot here as it is any where else. Deal with it.

3-It is called, drum roll please, "THE SUNSHINE state!" Not because you will be living in igloos. Not because you need to stock up on your Parkas and mittens. Not because you can plan to get lots of freaking snow skiing done year round. It is called the sunshine state because, what do you know? The Sun tends to shine which you got it, tends to make it hot. Deal with it.

4-This should not come as a surprise to you. The hints after all are all around you should you choose to see them. Go dig out your wallet or purse and pull out your license. Go ahead, I will wait. What does it say right across the top? That's right, "THE Fucking SUNSHINE STATE"! Okay so the "F-word" isn't in there, but give me time, there is a petition in the works.

5-Now dig back into your memory bank if you will. Close your eyes and remember events as they unfolded. You are driving down the road. Your family is in the car with you. All your earthly belongings are tied to the roof or in a moving van behind you. You look to your right and what do you see. There it is, that's right. A sign. Now what does the sign say?

"Welcome to Florida" yes very good, now what does it say below it? Do you remember? Concentrate now,,,,,,,,,,That's right, The SUNSHINE STATE! You got it! Now shut up and Deal with it.

'They' say the heat makes you a bit cranky. I have always thought this was just a big load of bullshit and an excuse. Then again, perhaps it is starting to take its toll on me. Every time someone complains about the heat or asks me "so is it hot enough out there for ya?" , I just want to scream or punch them in the head. My therapists though, being the mild mannered, court appointed bastards they are, frown on such actions. It happened again Sunday afternoon.

A large group of regulars came into the restaurant to have dinner. I, while making my rounds, went over to see how their meal went. I was told over and over that everything was just fine yada yada. And then it happened. Mrs. Lanski, while making polite conversation, asked "so is it hot enough out there for ya?" I had kind of already had this post bouncing around in my head most of the day so I am blaming it on y'all for what happened. It all happened so fast it is just a blur.

Me: "No not really."

Mrs Lanski: (enter shocked look here) "NO??? It's not???"

Me: "nope, I was hoping it would get about 10 degrees hotter."

Mrs Lanski: "hotter, but why? "

Me: "Science! I want to see if it actually IS possible to literally sweat your balls off."

Who could have known a group of 60 year old women could be so prudish? Who on earth could have guessed a preacher's wife would have no sense of humor? Anyone know any other good churches around here?


Monday, August 06, 2007

Clarity of night "Halo" contest update

Well both contests that I mentioned a few posts back are over. The results of the clarity of night contest will be revealed monday morning sometime. If you haven't already, Head on over and check out some of the entries. Some of my favorites and the ones that got my votes are as follows(in no particular order).

Entry #72 "Mr. fifth date" by Dottie Campton

Entry #57 "The End" by Rachel Dimond

Entry #27 "Predator" by Jeff Neale

Entry #24 "The final cut" by Roger Dale Trexler

Entry #8 "Reprisal" by Anti-wife

Regardless of the results, congratulations to everyone that entered. I never cease to be amazed by the countless cool blogs I find by way of Jason's site and or his contests. I was thinking about it recently and most of the blogs I read I found indirectly(if not directly) through his site. It is kind of a "they told two friends who told two friends" type thing. Instead it has been "they led me to two friends, who led me to two friends and so on and so forth. Anyways, thanks to all that participated and congratulations to those I have listed here. At the very least I know you got SOME votes.


Friday, August 03, 2007

ahhhhh life

Is good again!!!! After 45 minutes on the phone with a tech support guy I finally have my wireless up and running. Yay!!!! Like sex, It could have been done in 8 minutes were it not for the constant 'huh's? and "whats?" and "could you repeat thats" caused by my trying to understand the first support tech's accent. It was all I could do not to try an imitation and say 'would you like a nice cherry slushy wid dat?" So maybe I watch too much simpsons, sue me.

In fairness, I imagine him trying to understand my southern drawl was no picnic either and strongly suspect he is typing something about it on his blog as we speak. It probably says something along the lines of "damned deese southern peeepl, what da fock does 'yall' mean anyways?"

Anyways, I am not complaining. I am sitting in my lazyboy typing this as we speak. I think I can pretty much feel my ass getting bigger by the keystroke. This is the life!

Then again, perhaps having the wireless/lazyboy access returned is not completely a good thing. Last week on the Open Mic Night show ,co-host and stalker , regular reader Heather, pretty much told me to 'quit whining about it and deal with it.'

"I have to do so from my laundry room so just get over it." I beleive were her words. I decided to give it a try just to see things from her point of view and noticed a few things.

Phew,,,,it WAS indeed hot out there! And for the most part a bit too noisy. I began to feel a bit ashamed at my whining about it and even feel a bit of pity for heather. Then it hit me, Is she sitting on the dryer while she is doing this? If so, THATS not uncomfortable at all!

I always thought some of those 6 post days she has(not to mention the laundry always being done in her home)had to do with too much coffee or redbull. Perhaps now I have stumbled on the real truth.

I imagine things like the following being uttered in the Heather household:

"Cheeks, damned you! What did I tell you about keeping your clothes so clean?"

"Napkin? you don need no steeeenkin napkin! Just wipe it on your sleeve!"

"Sure J, go ahead and use 3 different towels in a day!"

"Pshhhhawwww! Skidmarks, schmid marks! I am not worried about it at all!"

Me thinks I may be onto something. Somebody call the news stations, I may have a scoop for them.


Contest entries

Well time is already up for the Clarity of night contest. From the looks of it, with 83 entries, Jason had another awesome turnout. If you haven't made it over to read them head on over and check them out. A lot of them are QUITE good. If you DID enter, your work is only half done. Now comes the voting part of the competition, so get to reading. The object of this one was to write a story in 250 words or less based on teh picture I had posted in my last post. For what it is worth, here was my somewhat rushed entry.

Waitingby Brilliant Donkey

My Dearest Charlene,

I feel in my heart of hearts that our cause is just, and in the end the union shall indeed prevail. However, I fear that my time left on this earth is short. We have already suffered numerous casualties and to say that we are getting beat today would be a serious understatement. Rumor has it General Sherman has us surrounded and out numbered at least 4 to 1. Normally, I ignore the rumor mill but the constant sound of incoming fire closing in defies me to do so this time.

I do not fear death for I believe whole heartedly in heaven. I strongly believe that when we die, we go to the place in our lives where we were the happiest. For me, that is the clearing in the woods where we went on our picnics before I left. That place where the sun always seemed to shine, your eyes always seemed to sparkle, and where you gave me the news that a little one would soon be on the way. If I should indeed perish here today, know it will be with thoughts of you in my heart, and your name on my lips. Know that I will be waiting for you in that clearing.

Waiting to see those deep green eyes.

Waiting to see that smile which always touches and melts my heart.

Waiting to take your hand in mine and walk together through the pearly gates.


Love always,Andr

Next comes a contest being run by Mr.Fabulous. In this one he supplies the first part of a story and you have to finish it up in 225 words or less. If you have not entered this one you still have time but you may want to hurry. The beginning of the story supplied by him is as follows:

It was a dark and stormy night. John and Marsha stared glumly at the fuel gauge in their Ford Taurus, which read empty.
“I guess we get out and walk from here,” sighed John, “Maybe we can find someone still up at this hour.”
Wordlessly they bundled up as best they could, got out of the car, and began to walk down the road. The rain had let up some, but they were still going to get soaked. After about thirty minutes of walking down the dark road, they rounded a bend and came upon what looked to be a farmhouse. Every light was on in the house, and as they got closer they could hear music coming from inside.
“Well, we may be in luck, ” exclaimed John.
The couple walked up onto the porch and after a moment’s hesitation, John knocked on the door. They waited, but no one came to and answered. John knocked harder. The music stopped. Silence. Then after another minute, they heard the lock turning and the door swung wide open.
“Well hello!” said.......

At this point you are to fill in the rest of the story in 225 words or less. With that in mind here is my submission.

....the burly man answering the door in his birthday suit. He was covered in hair everywhere but his head and seemed to have been sweating profusely.

“Well? come on in! we’ve been spectin ya! I tried to wait but she’s quite the kinky one as you can see.”

“Uhhh sorry to bother you so late, but our car broke down, Can I just use your phone?”
The man’s unibrow wrinkled in confusion for a moment before he answered.

“oh,,,,the phone, sure, hold on a second.”

“Harold?” Came the sound of a sultry female voice from the top of the stairs.

“You big stud muffin! Is that them? Yall get up here. The oils are getting cold and these batteries won’t last forever you know!”

“No it’s not them” Harold yelled looking over his shoulder. “Just someone that needs the phone. Can you bring it down dear?”

How could this night get any worse? John wondered as he waited patiently and avoided making eye contact with Marsha who appeared ready to kill him on the spot.

Minutes passed which felt like hours.

“here you go” said the female voice now just on the other side of the door.
Harold opened the door a bit to reach inside for the phone allowing the briefest of glimpses of the owner of the voice.


Hope you enjoy,