Sunday, April 29, 2007

Overdue homework

So a little over a week ago, Heather in her infinite wisdom decided to give me a 'thinking blogger' award. In the spirit of 'innocent until proven guilty' the briliant donkey legal department would like to point out the following disclaimer:

The owner of this blog makes NO claims (expressed or implied) of THINKING whatsoever.

I, for what it is worth, am not sure what SHE may have been thinking. I suspect in fact that after finding out what she has done they may very well have revoked HER thinking blogger award.

Perhaps she misread it and thought it was supposed to be the 'stinking blogger' award.

Perhaps she has been talking to one of my exes and thought it said the 'shrinking blogger' award.

Once again the briliant donkey legal department would like to point out that:

A)exes always have an axe to grind

B)It was cold in that pool!


C)Even if he was no where near a pool at the time Florida is surprisingly cold in July!

Anyways, for whatever misguided reason she decided to give me this award. Part of this is that I am supposed to nominate 5 other blogs that make me think( which I am still not admitting to).

So without further ado, I hereby nominate the following.

James over at Burnettiquette: James posts almost every day and does so in a way that never fails to keep me interested and coming back for more. His posts cover everything from bad manners to all sorts of so called taboo subjects like race and religion. Agree or disagree with his point of view on any particular subject, I am willing to bet he WILL manage to make you think about it.

Laini and Meg over at Sunday scribblings. Each week these two ladies post a prompt meant to get your writing juices flowing. While I don't participate every week, I do often. Sometimes their prompts spur on at least a post. Other times they spur on even more. On a sidenote, congratulations to Lainie whose book "Faeries of Dreamdark Blackbringer" was published and will be available around June. I am quite tickled to hear this news, I can not imagine how SHE must feel.

Chris over at Inane thoughts and insane ramblings . Chris's blog is a great mixture of a lot of my favorite things. Humor, food, family, and even some posts that tend to make normal people think. I think the thing I like most about his blog is seeing the number of worthless husbands/fathers out there in the world giving us(men) a bad name, it is good to see some out there making us look better.

Mr. Schprock of the Schprock report. While I am fairly new to visiting his blog a few things don't take very long to realize. He provides a good combination of humor, and thought provoking posts which are always very well thought out and written. Oh and he is a fellow Bosox fan so that just makes it all the better.

Debra over at The barmaid blog is among my favorite blogs to read. Her posts rarely fail to make me laugh, almost cry, and yes even think(IF I actually EVER did which I still won't admit to). The part that impresses me the most though is she does this almost sneakily by wrapping her stories around the messages.

So there they are my 5 nominations.

The participation rules are simple:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.

2. Link to Ilker so that people can easily find the origin of the meme.

3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote.

Ummmm this unfortunately is not optional for me. I have ZERO clue how to get this into my sidebar so if someone wants to clue in the clueless(that's me), feel free.


The clarity of night contest update

The deadline for the contest has passed, and the voting has now closed. Hopefully, some of you made it over to take part in it and had fun. I know I did as always. Thanks again to Jason for holding such great contests. Okay, so you have clicked over there, saw 59 entries and thought 'WTF BD, you want me to read 59 of em?". Okay fair enough. If you don't have time for all of them I will suggest these five which were my favorites.

In no particular order:

"Without Rose" by Maht Wells

"Domestic Spirits" by Donna Gagnon

"Table for eight" by Esther Avila

"Weep willow weep" by WavemanCali

"Werewife" by Jaye Wells

And for what it is worth, my entry was as follows:

It's all relative

"Best $1000 bucks you'll ever spend and he guarantees his work. I know it sounds crazy but it may well save your marriage!"

"I don't know," Dan replied skeptically. "Look, your wife is driving you crazy right?" Constantly, nagging you about stupid stuff?"

Dan couldn't help laugh as Fred did a perfect imitation of his wife. "Rinse out the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher."

"Pick up your socks."

"Put the seat down!"

"Yada yada yada, it never ends, am I right?"

"Yeah" Dan replied dejectedly.

"Well, THIS is the way to end it! You call the damned number, and in a week or a month ALL that goes away!"

"He isn't going to hurt her is he?"

"No", Fred replied with a chuckle. "It's nothing like that. You bring this guy home to live with you for a while. A long time friend that needs help getting back on his feet right? By the time he leaves she will realize that you are not so bad after all. Here, check this out."

Dan takes the picture and looks in amazement.

"Is that your kitchen? That's disgusting!"

"Exactly! That is what he does. Before you know it, your un-rinsed milk glass doesn't seem so bad, and an occasional fart will be funny again."


"Yes really. He's a magician I tell you." Dan begins jotting down the number.

"By the way, Dianne no longer complains about the sex anymore either."


Tuesday, April 24, 2007

cleaning out my email box

I was cleaning out my email box today and came across this that has been sitting in there for who knows how long. Have a neighbor that is driving you crazy? Someone you don't really like that ignores the hints and keeps coming over anyways? Send them a clear message compliments of BD. Well okay, compliments of someone that sent it to BD a long time ago.

Just a quick note/reminder about Jason's short fiction contest over at The clarity of night. The deadline is in two days(wednesday 11pm est) so if you haven't already entered head on over and do so. Again, even if you don't plan to enter I very strongly reccomend you go over and read over some of the entries. I never fail to be surprised and impressed by the level of competition. For what it is worth here is the link to my entry "It's all relative.

All comments about it are more than welcome. Yes yes that even includes(perhaps especially so) critiques of it.


Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Blog spot light

No, this is NOT a picture of my kitchen!
Mine doesn't look this good actually. Just kidding, put down the can of raid and back away from the monitor
Actually, Jason over at the Clarity of Night is hosting another short fiction writing contest. In "The endless hour", his 5th contest, participants are to write a shortstory of no more than 250 words based on the above picture . I myself have participated in the last 3 contests and even had a bit of success. If I can do it(stay under 250 words), ANYONE can. If you have ANY interest in trying your hand at writing and are looking for a place to begin, I VERY HIGHLY recommend you head on over and participate.
Even if you don't wish to write one, head over and check out the entries. You may be pleasantly surprised. I will let you see the guidelines for yourself over there. However, I will at least point out that the deadline is Wednesday the 25th, at 11pm est.
On another note, Liz of "Killer rants" fame, has started a new blog. Looking for advice on how to handle an annoying boyfriend? A psycho girlfriend? Wondering how to handle a friend obsessed with his own balls? Better yet, wondering how to NOT 'handle' a friend who seems obsessed with his own balls?Even if you have a friend obsessed with somebody ELSE'S balls, head on over to The no jive zone and find out the best way to handle it. She is giving advice.

Free advice.

Good advice.

And doing so with the kind of humor which we have come to expect from Liz.
Now that I think about it, considering I have all of four readers(Hi MOM, MOMalias!), maybe I should change the title of this post to "Blog flashlight".

Monday, April 16, 2007

Tragedy at Virginia tech

By now pretty much everyone has heard of what has happened this morning on the campus of Virginia Tech University. First off, I would like to say that my heart goes out to all the victims, the families of the victims and even to the family of the person resonsible for this act.

This story is of course all over the news. This I understand.

On every single channel, this I understand.

What causes someone to go and do such things? This I don't and never WILL understand. Frankly, I am not all that sure that I want to. As of now, the authorities either do not know or simply have not released the name of the person responsible. Personally, although I KNOW it is wishful thinking on my part, I hope like hell they never EVER do. There are plenty things wrong with this whole situation. There will be plenty of people that will point to all kinds of reasons for it. In truth, in my opinion at least, there simply isn't one.

Want to blame it on video games?
Want to blame it on his parents?
Want to blame it on violence on Television?

Show me a three year old kid doing such things, and I will agree with that logic. Hell, show me a ten year old doing these things and I will at least listen.

But Teenagers? A grown man or woman? Hogwash!

How many Video games in America are sold each year?

How many young kids grow up playing these games?

Watching these movies?

Seeing these videos?

I know I did and still do. I have probably shot and blasted 4 billion different aliens, people, dogs, cats, and everything else while playing them at some point or another. I have seen countless movies like Scarface with endless violence in them. So have millions upon millions of other people who don't turn around and go shoot up a school, or the local walmart.

How many unfortunate people grow up with parents that don't care about them? If they then turn around, grew up, had children and likewise didn't care about them, then I could see placing part of the blame on the parents. If they grow up and shoot innocent people I blame THEM!

How many kids grow up with fathers beating the hell out of them or their mother for no good reason? If THEY then grow up to be abusive parents/spouses, I agree with putting part of the blame on the parents. If they grow up to blow up builidings or shoot innocent people, I blame THEM!

How many kids grow up with parents who spout the 'n' word, believe women belong in the kitchen , and kid's should be seen and not heard? If they grow up doing the same things I agree put some of the blame on their ignorant parents. When they grow up and shoot innocent people for no apparent reason, I blame THEM!

I highly doubt this guy's parents or the parents of the jackasses in Columbine, or the idiot responsible in Oklahoma city went around shooting people or blowing up buildings. If they did, by all means, you can place part of the blame on them. Until then, let's blame the Piece of shit that DID it. HE did it. Not his parents. Not the video game makers. Not the producers of violent movies. HIM and in this case(as far as we know of right now) HIM ALONE!

In the upcoming days I am guessing, that this story is just going to piss me off even more. In the upcoming days I am guessing they will release his name and it will be plastered all over every television channel,blog, and news website there is. In the coming days, I am guessing there will be stories about this guy's background and we will find out everything there is to know about him. We will make him famous, and call ME crazy, but I think in some way that is EXACTLY what he wanted. In the coming days, weeks, months I am guessing we will see stories outlining just how he did it and probably just how easy it was to do. How often do we see someone blow up a building, and then some news story recreate the crime and show us(and the CRAZY people out there by the way) just how they did it? Just how easy it was?

I do beleive that this upcoming week marks the eight year anniversary of the Columbine shooting that most of us remember so well. Let me ask you a question. Can you name any of the shooters in the Columbine shooting? I know I can name two in a heartbeat and if I thought about it for a minute I could name them all.

There! Done. It took me exactly eight seconds of thinking about it before I came up with them all. Why?

Because we made them famous that is why.

Can you name the guy responsible for Blowing up the Federal building in Oklahoma City? I can.

Why? Because we made him famous that is why.

Now let me ask you another question. how many of the victims at columbine can you name? How many of the victims of Oklahoma City can you name? If you can name ONE you are ahead of me. Is it just me or is there something seriously wrong with that? We make the people doing wrong famous, and totally forget about the victims.

Think becoming famous like that didn't enter their minds eight years ago? Think this asshole today didn't see all that coverage and at some point think 'hey I can do that?' Don't you think ,"EYE can grab the spotlight and after this complete and utter loser of a life, I can go out like SOMEBODY!?"

Don't get me wrong. I GET that the news has to report the news. I don't however think they need to plaster his name all over every single channel and give him the fame he wants.

Refer to him as 'the piece of shit'.

Refer to him as 'Psychotic bastard'.

Refer to him as 'the loser'.

Refer to him as 'the unnamed shooter' if you like, but don't give him the satisfaction of seeing his name in lights.

Don't get me wrong I don't blame the media for what happened today or what happened back in Columbine. I don't blame violent video games, bad parenting, or any of the other miriad of excuses you will see trotted out over the following months. I place ALL of the blame on the piece of shit that did this today. I place ALL of the blame on the pieces of crap that did the shooting back in Columbine eight years ago. That is as close as I will come to naming ANY of them on this blog however. I will NOT have any bit of a part in naming them by name and adding to their fame. I hope others will join me in NOT naming them as well.

I have no doubt that they are burning in the pits of hell. As such, I refuse to allow them a moment of enjoyment as they look up and see their names splashed across my blog. I know getting the media to play along with this thought as well is impossible, but hope reading this will keep the names out of at least a few spotlights. Unfortunately there are OTHER pieces of shit out there looking for this kind of attention as well.

Climbing off of my soapbox


Thursday, April 12, 2007

I may need to get laid part two

In case you missed it, click HERE to get caught up and then come back.

So as I was saying, this really weird friend of mine was telling me this story of being visited by a really hot chick made of nothing more than vines. What a nut job he is huh? Then again it still makes a good story to tell so here I am.

Every relationship has its problems. Mine His and Mary’s was really no different.

Before too long problems began to arise. Due to problems at work I he had to start going in even earlier on a regular basis. She began nagging about me him spending entirely too much time at work. I began wondering why she could only stick around for ten minutes at a time and asking where she went when she left my house. We began drifting apart to the point we both uttered "maybe you are just not that into me" to each other at the same time. She didn't much appreciate my jealousy and yet I could almost hear her laughing as she faded away each day. Just when all seemed to be lost, things changed for the better. I went into the bathroom in the middle of the night one night and low and behold there she was. My neighbor happened to be out in his yard in the middle of the night for some reason. While there he had his backyard light on, which shined into my bathroom window and there was Mary in all her glory. This of course opened up whole NEW possibilities. I he began sending Kash fluffy outside 4 times a night even if she didn't have to pee. She resisted at first. I told her about bowzer next door and hinted that he seemed to have the hots for her. This worked like a charm.


Then she came back inside, gave me a ‘wow that bowzer is REALLY a dog’ look and invited me to never try and set her up again.

“but, but looks aren’t everything” I reasoned. No dice.

“but, but he has a great personality” I said, Again, no dice.

"So much for man's best friend" was enough of a guilt trip to make her change her mind though. Low blow you say? All is fair in love and war would be my counter argument.

When that stopped working (and not being above bribery) I went with a Jumbo box of milk bone dog biscuits. Life was good again, as I repeatedly sent her outside, bowzer went nuts, and caused the security lights to come on.

After a few days, dog biscuits and guilt trips were no longer working. She began making demands of T-bone steaks and leftover Chicken Parmigan.

I refused of course. A few weeks passed and neither of us gave an inch. She quit going to the bathroom at all at night. I knew she was just being a pain so I didn’t budge. It may have been my imagination, but I swear she began humming ‘mary had a little lamb’ every time she walked by me.

Go ahead, I will wait,,,,,,,,what? no 'wow that was a low blow' comments? Damn yall!

I don't know what kind of loser would give in to Blackmail from a dog.

I do know it was a coincidence that stores around here ran out of T-bone steaks.

And chicken.

Finally she had won, so after rewarding her I sent her outside and ran back inside to see mary for the first time in months. It was a beautiful summer evening and spending the day at the beach around all those bikinis couldn’t help remind me of her. When the lights came on I looked mary over slowly from head to toe. Summer had arrived and what once was her neat flowing hair now had a single bloom in it which was fairly cute. It kind of looked like a flower tucked behind her ear. That is where the good news ended unfortunately. Where once was her bare sexy back, now were several more blooms. No amount of squinting, imagining, or drinking on my part could convince me it was anything other than back hair. And don't even get me started on the leg hair,,,,,,shuddder. I ran back to my room and hid under the covers until I finally fell asleep. When I awoke the next morning I was surprised and yet somehow not so much surprised to see 'but she has a great personality' spelled out in dog food on the kitchen floor.

Anyone have any pointers on how to break up with an imaginary girlfriend? If so my friend could really use them.

Also, anyone in need of a dog?


Saturday, April 07, 2007

Beached whales

48 hours....

No, Eddie Murphy and Nick nolte haven't teamed up to make another movie though I wouldn't mind if they did. Perhaps it could start with Nick trying to splain that whole mugshot of his. 48 hours. That is the amount of time I have before I have to go back to work.

And I am loving it.

Better yet I don't really have all that much planned. I don't even have fantasy baseball draft preparation to tie me down like it has for the last 3 weeks. I take that too seriously you say? My shrink shrinks would tend to agree with you. The almost free HDTV my competitors so graciously chipped in to buy me says otherwise. Note to Mr. Irs: fantasy baseball, football, and sports of any kind is only a game. As such it is participated in for entertainment purposes only.

Anyways, one of the things I DO know I will be doing is finally catching up on making the blog rounds and hopefully even getting a blog post or two of my own up. For those I have not visited I hope you enjoyed the vacation and the peace and quiet but it is about to end. I knew it was bad , but to be dubbed 'that fucker who hasn't commented in ages' was a bit of a wake up call. A wake up call with a 'ring to it' but a wake up call none the less. I wonder if they will let me legally change my name to that?

I think I may go to the beach tomorrow.

Feel free to copy and paste this post.

Feel free to save it.

I am going to the beach tomorrow.

In a few months I have NO doubt hurricane 'Karma kicking BD in the balls for bragging" will come along. When that happens all you driveway shoveling folks out there have my permission to send this post back to me with a laugh.

But until then, I am going to the beach tomorrow and for now feel free to stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it as my Grandmother used to say.


Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Fantasy Idol week 5 results/week 6

First on an administrative note. I am going to try something a bit different from now on. The scoring will be the same. However, each week I will just update THIS post instead of creating another entire one. Please continue to put your picks in the comments of this post until the end of the season. That said. If you haven't watched the show(and plan to later) stop reading now or else I will give it away.

In week 7, the bottom 3 were Sanjaya,Blake, and Lakisha. Sanjaya finally freakin managed to sing bad enough to get even HIM sent home. Now the show seems like it will be legitimate again. Better late than never. Pretty much everyone correctly predicted this. How many other than ME did so because they figured if they kept picking him they HAD to be right eventually I do not know. High score for the week was put up by yours truly (thanks mostly to the Ultimate Idol points). At the same time(again due mostly to the Ultimate Idol points), I have moved into the overall lead at least temporarily.

Anyways here was the breakdown.

Pre week 7 overall scores

Move on points:
Michael: did not play

Suz: 0
Gypsy: 0
Me: 0
SWF: 0
Michael: 0

Bottom 3:
Suz: 100
Gypsy: 50
Me: 100
SWF: 100
Michael: DNP

Ultimate Idol:
Suz: Mel(5 weeks)=160
Michael: Ineligible for points in this category but picks Mel(for the 2nd week)

week 7 scores:
Suz: 460
Me: 910
SWF: 470
Michael: DNP

Post week 7 overall standings:

As usual, I AM from florida, and we all know counting is NOT our strong suit so feel free to check my math or send Al Gore to recount for me.

Okay week 8 picks, put them in comments.


Monday, April 02, 2007

I may need to get laid part one

I think it may be time that I get laid. Mind you I am normally NOT all that much of an "I need to get laid" sort of guy. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex just like everyone else, but I am like a sexual camel (or donkey if you must). A few months ago I was sitting at home like any other day off and happened to go into the bathroom . It was about 3:3o in the afternoon and the sun was shining brightly through my bathroom window. That was the first time she appeared.

You know how some people can look up at the clouds and see animals, trees, etc? You know how if you look at the stars at night you can see fish, and gladiators, and lions and such? Yeah, not me. The best I can do with the clouds is to see a roll of Charmin spread out on the floor. If I really REALLY stretch my imagination, I can see the little dipper or the big dipper but that is about it as far as the stars go.

Yet here I was on an ordinary day and appearing in my bathroom window was what appeared to be a naked(or at least scantily clad) woman. It kind of reminded me of the profile you might see on the back of a truck driver's mud flap though in a different pose. A while later I went into the bathroom again, and she was gone. I didn't really think all that much of it and on with life I went.

A few weeks later, I once again went into the bathroom coincidentally at around the same time, and boom she was back. Intrigued, I decided to go outside and see what was causing this. As it turns out it was nothing more than a bunch of vines growing across the window in just such a way. Anyways, she was still there, she was still naked, and for a bunch of vines I must say, she was still hot!

It didn't take long to realize that at a certain time of the day when the sun was shining just right through that particular window, she would appear. A little while later the sun would shift behind the neighbors trees and she would once again leave. I was reminded a bit of people who claim to see Christ or the Virgin mary in some of the oddest places. I am not Mexican. I have never seen visions of God or anything else in my pizza, on a slice of toast, or in a bowl of soup. Considering the way she was dressed I highly doubt she was a virgin, but decided to name her Mary anyways.

I have always felt quite strongly that the man upstairs MUST have a sense of humor. Call him God, Buddha, Allah or whatever be your preference or belief. Whatever your belief I don't know how anyone can think he(or she) doesn't have a sense of humor. How else can you splain putting men and women on the same planet for each other? How else can you splain being able to put a man on the moon, solve the cold war, and yet the war of 'seat goes up' vs 'seat goes down' still rages on and on and on. Clearly the man upstairs has a sense of humor. The fact that I didn't receive an immediate lightning bolt enema tells me confirms that belief. Either that, or He is just running way behind on his chores.

I tried to take a picture of her, but the crappy Cell phone camera picture simply didn't do Mary justice at all. I briefly considered setting up daily tours of my home and charging a dollar per person to come and see Mary. It was cheaper than any strip club after all. I considered calling the local news station and cashing in on the free advertising. In the end Greed won out and I decided to keep her all to myself.

I began planning my days around being here at around 330 or so. People at work would call and wonder if I was coming in today or not. Considering my years and years of always being punctual my boss began to get worried. Apparently drugs were suspected because I was asked to pee in a cup several times over the next several weeks. I think they expected me to be offended at the thought. Yet I agreed to do so repeatedly only asking they grant my request of doing so at 33o and always at my house.

I began to talk to Mary about sports, politics , or anything else that happened to be on my mind. We had to do so fast though, because like clockwork about ten minutes after she appeared she would be off yet again. I began asking her for advice about women, clothes and all sorts of other things. Oddly enough 'don't tell them about me' was the only advice she would give consistently. I am not really sure why though. I began using her as a sounding board for my best pickup lines and corniest jokes. She would laugh in all the right places(never while I was unzipped and still peeing) and tell me how witty I was.

To be continued