Tuesday, July 31, 2007

just a quickie

One of my co-workers has been bugging me for weeks to find this Brad Paisley video and watch it. I have heard the song numerous times on the radio and found it pretty funny but the video takes it to a whole other level. Add in the fact that at least three actors from the best show ever being in it allows me more time of denial that Seinfeld really DID end and that is just gravy. Anywhoooooo check it out.


Monday, July 30, 2007

A couple of contests

Jason from Clarity of night is apparently at it again. He is holding a "halo' contest. In this contest you are to write a story of no more than 250 words based on the picture below. Sorry for the late notice on this one. Usually I find out about them pretty early,and pass the word but since I have been wayyyy behind on the blogging as of late I missed it until now. I don't know if I will have time to enter this one myself but hopefully I can throw something together. Whether I do or not, I encourage others to give it a shot. Especially, If you are THINKING at all about any kind of writing and want to put something out there to get some feedback on it. Even if you don't plan to enter head on over and read some of the entries. If the past is ANY indication, you will be surprised with how good a LOT of the entries turn out to be. The deadline is wednesday night I beleive at 11pm EST. Click here or on the link in my sidebar to make sure and find the rules and other details. Good luck!

Also Mr.Fab of pointless directives is having a contest as well. In his contest, he has provided you with the first part of the story and you have to finish the rest. I beleive the deadline on this one is friday sometime. Click here to head over to his site and check out the beginning of the story and all his details as well. Even if you don't want to enter either of these contests do yourself a favor and visit both sites. You can thank me later. Note: Thanks in the form of cash or gifts is highly acceptable. That's Briliantdonkey @ Gmail.com!
Looks like we have some writing to do.
Take care,
edited to clarify: Don't go "check out HIS details"!!!! Rather, go check out the details of his contest. Checking out HIS details may not be recommended for the weak of heart and should be left to the likes of Mrs Fab.

I will title this later part II

In case you missed it scroll down a little bit to read part one then come back to read the rest.

There are certain truths in life that can NOT be denied which I have known for a long time.

- taxes
-If you are running late for something you will get stopped by EVERY red light.
-If you actually DO need to stop, to reach in the glove box or because you have dropped a drink in your lap, you will NOT be able to catch a red light no matter how much you try.

-If you are in a hurry to go thru the bank teller, the car in front of you WILL send the chute thingy back no less than 3 times.

Some I learned very recently are :

-If you have to go to the bathroom, this need will multiply exponentially the very second you realize you are out of TP. Within seconds your body's polite 'ahem perhaps it is a good time to go' message turns into a more urgent 'you need to hurry' message.

Brain: "No need to panic, everything is under control. Walmart is open all night and only 6 minutes away."

Body: " Okay, but hurry will ya?"

I was pulling into the walmart parking lot less than 3 minutes later saying a little prayer of thanks for not getting pulled over. It was 11:59 pm.

Brain: "That is odd ,the parking lot is unusually crowded for this time of night. I wonder why?"

Body: "Dude, you don't have time to wonder about that, get in, get out, who gives a shit why?!"

The smartass part of my brain took a microsecond to realize under any other circumstance the 'who gives a shit' question would be kind of ironic at this point. Discretion being the better part of valor it kept these thoughts hidden.

Brain: "No problem,I will run inside grab the nearest toilet paper, and be home in 8 minutes, you can hold on for 8 minutes can't you?"

Body: "okay, but hurry!"

smartasss part of brain:(unable to control itself) "But hurry?" or "BUTT hurry"?

Brain: "Legs? Go! go! go!"

Ignoring the odd looks of people seeing a man sprinting across the store, I was heading back to the front of the store to checkout less than a minute later. I suspect this is what Carl Lewis, world class sprinter would look like.

If he was white.

If he had a strained worried look on his face.

and if he had to hold it while competing for a gold medal.

Brain: "All we have to do is checkout and we will be home in 6 minutes."

Body: "Okay we will hold it together until then!"

Buttcheeks: "Phew! I was worried for a second that we were going to have to use a public restroom but am glad to hear it is going to be okay!"

I begin to relax a little bit feeling like I am going to make it easily after all.

And then I see it. All four open lanes have quite a few people in them. I have NO idea what the actual population of this tiny town is. I would say AT MOST 20,000 and more likely MUCH closer to 5,000. I don't know what the official number is, but I SWEAR at this moment every single ONE of them is standing in front of me in line.

Brain: "what the HELL is that all about? Eyes! Eyes can you see anything"

Eyes: "Well that lady right there has a really nice ..."

Brain: "Psssst!!!!!Damnit man! Don't you DARE say 'ASS'! Focus damned you!"

Eyes: "okay okay geeeesh! Oh shit errrrrr shooot!"

Brain: "what? What do you see?"

Eyes: "It's 12:03 isn't it?,,,,,we may be in deep doo do....errrr Trouble! We may be in deep trouble."

Brain: "why? what's wrong?"

Eyes: "It's Harry Potter day!"

Butt: "Grrrroannnnn"

Brain: "Plan b, plan b! Buttcheeks, you are going to have to deal with it, Public restroom it is!"

Legs: "already working on it, it is just up ahea....."

Eyes: "Sonofabitch!"

Brain: "what now?"

Eyes: "It's out of freaking order!"

I am still really new to this town. A few things have become quickly obvious. EVERYONE seems to know EVERYONE. Before, I could go months without EVER running into someone I know away from the place that I know them. In the 15 years I was at my last job, I think I ran into someone from there away from work ten times at the most. Here it is different. You simply can NOT go anywhere without running into someone that knows you. There we had a daily newspaper filled with, sports, movies and the like. Here, there is a weekly paper.

By far the most popular pages people seem to read are the 'who got arrested for what' pages. Not a whole lot of 'big news' happens around here. Next monday, when the paper comes out I fear I will see a big headline reading .


In the meantime I won't be going back to Wally world for a while. Also, it is safe to say that of all the reading material that may make it to my throne room, Harry Mother fucking potter will NEVER be invited.

Dear Mom,

I will work on the procrastinating thing.



Sunday, July 29, 2007

I will title this later

Hi, my name is BD and I am a procrastinator. I have been one for about 38 years I believe. My mother growing up used to try to get me out of this habit, but she failed. She trotted out 'don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today' to no avail. I am pretty sure that this annoyed the hell out of her. That wasn't my intent, it is just the way I was/am. I think in some small way she probably wanted this to bite me in the ass a time or three so that I would learn better. I was THE master at starting a 48 page writing assignment the night before class and coming away with a decent if not good grade so she never got her wish. Until now......

You ever get that feeling that you are forgetting something, but can't for the life of you remember what the hell it is? Ever tell yourself something along the lines of 'better do this now or you will just forget later'? I am an old pro at this. It happens to me on a VERY regular basis. The best example I can think of off the top of my head is with my recent commutes back and forth to work. The trip was about 48 miles each way, 5 or 6 days a week. This meant stopping to get gas at LEAST once a week, usually twice. Almost invariably, I would be driving home from work in the middle of the night, and KNOW I needed to stop and get gas.

There are countless Reasons why stopping then to get gas would make sense:
1-It is late, and there will not be any lines at the pump.

2-It is late and there wont be a line inside when I want to buy a coke or something else.

3-Save myself the trouble of stopping in the heat on the way to work to do it.

4-Save the risk of running late to work tomorrow and STILL having to stop, making me later. This happened fairly regularly, though I am NEVER late.

5-Save the risk of forgetting all about needing gas till I get halfway between home and work, a 15-20 mile stretch of no mans land.

6-Avoid the risk of having my gas light blink on right in the middle of this stretch.

7-Avoid the slew of cuss words I know I will scream when this happens and wondering if I can go to hell for my use of profanities alone.

8-Avoid the agony of wondering if THIS is the day I run out of gas during that stretch of road.

9-Avoid any possible hellish combinations of #4-8 above.

10-Please the 'mom voice' in my head that to this day tells me it is a bad idea.

Reasons NOT to stop:

1-I am too lazy and would rather put it off until tomorrow.

That's it, no other reason than that. Yet, over and over again I would do this. Over and over again I would get away with it even when it seemed impossible. Good thing? You would think so, but then again someone who drinks and drives and gets away with it just gets a false sense of security right?

Well the other day I was actually on my way to work early(I LOVE this 5 minute drive to work thing), and passing by the store.

MV(mom's voice): Why don't you go ahead and stop at the store?
Me: nah I will wait till later.

MV: why not? you have plenty of time You know there are things you need.
me: nah, I will wait till later.

MV: tsk tsk, it's going to bite you in the ass someday.

So anyhow, I went to work which was a fairly uneventful though a long busy day. It is about 11 pm or so when I leave Walmart with my few purchases and head home. I walk in the door, play with Kash for a few minutes, let her out of the back door to do her business while quickly shedding my uniform. I turn on the computer and television and get more comfy. I am just settling into checking my fantasy baseball teams and how the redsox did when I realize I need to use the bathroom and head in that direction. It only takes a second for it to hit me like a slap in the face. THAT'S what I needed at the damned store!

I came out with razor blades.
I came out with coke.
I came out with a new mirror for the bedroom.
I came out with tons of food that i took my time walking around and buying.
I came out with two new pairs of work pants which I tried on in the dressing room.

What I did NOT come out with, what I KNEW I needed 9 hours ago heading to work was toilet paper.

Multiple times during the night my body asked me politely if we could go to the bathroom. Multiple times during the night, I told it 'nah we don't have time for that right now' which in truth I really didn't. Multiple times during the night I had PLENTY of chances to go to the bathroom, but(perhaps knowing how much I hate nagging) my body did NOT choose these times to ask if we should go now.

Well it seems my wordiness was not lost even during my recent 'complete lack of posts' streak. I guess I will stop there and cut this post in half.

To be continued

Monday, July 16, 2007

Parts of me

Anyone who knows me at all, knows that A) I am wordy (at least when it comes to writing).

B)I am lazy. Actually, 'lazy' is not the word but I DO love to be comfortable.

These two traits which I don't deny and in fact embrace to a degree have been battling it out for supremecy as of late. Apparently the universe has decided that I have to choose which of the two I prefer the most. Wordiness or comfort? I don't have children, but liken having to make this choice to having to choose between which of my children will live. Wordiness and comfort have been so much a part of my life that they are like twins adjoined at the hip to me.

Several years ago when I purchased my desktop computer and was first setting it up it made me 'give it a name'. Most people, I would imagine would call it 'bedroom computer' or 'John's desktop'. Me? Knowing how quickly computers 'get old' named mine 'The Soon to be obsolete expensive piece of crap paper weight.' See? Wordy even in naming,That's me. Perhaps this is why I don't have children.

Even now, years later every time I log off of the desktop computer it asks me "are you sure you want to turn off the soon to be obsolete expensive piece of crap paper weight?' To which I have to click either yes or cancel.

I had forgotten all about this name I had given my desktop. Since buying my laptop about a year ago I would be surprised if I have spent a grand total of two hours using it. Instead I was sitting on the couch, on the front porch, or more likely in my lazy boy in the living room. Life was good. Life was grand.

Until I moved.

Since moving I DID manage to get my internet access back. Great!

However, for the life of me I can NOT get the wireless network set back up in my house. It worked great for a few days. The only problem then was I was unable to print from my laptop to my printer(which is connected to the desktop in the other room). I do a fair amount of work from home so nothing could be worse than having to sit at the computer desk to do it instead of in my lazyboy.

Or so I thought. Turns out, that while trying to fix THAT small problem, I made it worse.

Desktop set up,,,,,,check.

High speed modem set up and working,,,,,,,check.

Printer in the bedroom(on desktop) working.......check.

Able to print from laptop while sitting in your lazyboy? ......chec,,,,,,no wait STILL no check.

I then received word from the universe. It was/is so clear in my mind that it might as well have arrived via the postman who needs a signature to verify my receiving it.

Dear Mr Donkey:

We regret to inform you( no not really but we HAVE to say that), your request to return to your previous levels of comfort are denied. Allowing you to do so in the past was an oversight on our part of which we are now aware. As a penalty for even trying to do so, not only will we NOT allow you to print in comfort, we will no longer be able to allow you to surf in comfort either. That is right,

no more surfing much less printing from the couch.

no more surfing much less printing from your beloved lazy boy.

no more surfing much less printing from the comfort of your bed.

Oh and that surfing from the comfort of the throne room? Yes yes, we know you were tempted at times to try that as well but found it to be a bit 'too icky' ......Please be advised that should you find the idea 'no longer too icky' you are too late, so you can just forget that shit. Oh yes pun, most definitely intended.

Now that we have been made aware of your unauthorized use of said comforts, be advised that we will be watching you closely. We will allow you full use of your desktop with internet access. However, the SECOND you try to hook up your router and go wireless not only will that not work but ALL internet access(including on the desktop) will be cut off entirely. So make your choice.

Sincerely yours,

the universe.

Anywhooooo, sorry for the lack of posts as of late. Thanks to all that have checked up on me. I am doing fine. Just going through withdrawals, denial and such. Sure, throwing the monitor through the window in frustration had something to do with it as well, but not all that much. Hope to make it around to all your sites soon, even if I have to do so from this lousy desk chair and on an obsolete peice of crap paper weight.


Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Funny of the day

Thanks to Gypsy for sending this to me. I found it to be rather funny even if slightly predicktable. If I am going to be accused of being an 'R' rated blog so be it. I might as well deserve it. Click here to see the clip. Enjoy.


rating schmating!

Online Dating

Mingle2 - Online Dating

I found this link via a recent post over at Roadchick's place(see sidebar).I am not sure that I would agree with this assesment. Then again, I guess I am not exachary offended by it either.


Happy 4th of July everyone! Rather than bore you with something I wrote myself, I will simply leave it at that and point you to THIS post by one of my new blogfinds Turnbaby. I think it says it a lot better than I ever could. Try not to eat TOO much. Drink all you want, but please be safe and use a designated driver. While you are there be sure to check out the rest of her site. I haven't been able to yet, but if her recent appearence on Mr. Fab's show is any indication it has to be a blast.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

life imitating blogs

I have to say I am proud. Quite proud to say the least. One of our regular guests came by the Biffy diner today and dropped off a package. Nothing fancy really, just a bag full of buttons which had all sorts of slogans and catch phrases on them. This bag of goodies arrived several hours before I got there so that the morning crew had more than enough time to look through them, pick through them and get the ones that they liked the best. That said, there were still plenty left over for the night crew as well. So anyways, as I arrived for work today, I was greeted by Carla who is one of our morning waitresses. I was eventually informed by Carla about this bag, and began looking through them.

There were some lame ones, but also some like:

"what the hell happened last night", which was quickly given to a couple of servers who have a history of drinking a bit too much.

"My other car is a rolles royce" which had been put aside for the guy who has (were you to listen to him) a billion dollars yet works as a dishwasher.

"Fuck you and the horse you road in on" hadn't been claimed yet but I quickly put it aside for the one waitress who I fully expect to fire one day for following a guest out to the parking lot and asking the cheap bastard where her tip is.

Not long afterwards, Maria came in for her shift and joined me in sifting through the bag.

"I'm not blonde, I just act like it at times" she read holding up yet another of the buttons.

Not long afterwards, we were approached by the morning crew and told "you don't need to look through them, we have already picked yours out for you.

At this she handed maria one saying "Yes I am gullible."

"I am NOT gullible" she protested over and over while people were laughing.
Then she looked over at me and asked "I'm not THAT gullible am I BD?"
I pleaded the fifth and tried to avoid giggling myself.

"Don't laugh too much" Carla said looking over to me we have picked yours out as well.
Aw shit I thought as I looked at ones saying things like "how much did I drink last night." I didn't see any labled "worthless prick" ,"stupid Mother bleeep" or "lazy bastard" but worried at least a bit that they had already been removed.

And then with giggles and smiles on their faces my staff gathered around to present me with "MY" button. On it is the word "smart" and below that is a picture of an ass/donkey.
To say I was touched would be an understatement. There is simply no other reward better than the recognition of your peers. Oddly enough, to the best of my knowledge NONE of them even know about this blog.

I held my button in my hands, looked around and said, "I don't get it, Smart dog?Are yall saying I am a dog?"

Everyone else laughed except Maria who looked at it, rolled her eyes and said

"It's not a dog, its an ass, DUHHHH!"

At this I simply patted her on the shoulder and responded "no Maria, you're not gullible at all!"