Sunday, August 12, 2007

Great balls o' fire

If you work outside for a living feel free to ignore this ranting post.

If you live in Minnesota or Wisconsin, or Boston, or the like and it is currently 90 degrees or warmer by all means, tell me to shut the hell up and ignore this post.

IF, However, you live as I do, in Florida and you are bitching about the heat I feel absolutely no pity for you. Shut the hell up and deal with it already! A few points:

1- Attention all you Scholars out there: It is a simple case of GEOMETRY you stupid Maroon! Generally speaking, the farther you move North in this country, the cooler it is. And the farther you move south? You got it, generally, the farther you move south the WARMER it is! Deal with it.

2- Now go dig out your map, google it on the Internet or even grab you a globe. Where is Florida? It is about as freaking south as you can go in this country. Therefore, oh genius you, it is generally going to be about as hot here as it is any where else. Deal with it.

3-It is called, drum roll please, "THE SUNSHINE state!" Not because you will be living in igloos. Not because you need to stock up on your Parkas and mittens. Not because you can plan to get lots of freaking snow skiing done year round. It is called the sunshine state because, what do you know? The Sun tends to shine which you got it, tends to make it hot. Deal with it.

4-This should not come as a surprise to you. The hints after all are all around you should you choose to see them. Go dig out your wallet or purse and pull out your license. Go ahead, I will wait. What does it say right across the top? That's right, "THE Fucking SUNSHINE STATE"! Okay so the "F-word" isn't in there, but give me time, there is a petition in the works.

5-Now dig back into your memory bank if you will. Close your eyes and remember events as they unfolded. You are driving down the road. Your family is in the car with you. All your earthly belongings are tied to the roof or in a moving van behind you. You look to your right and what do you see. There it is, that's right. A sign. Now what does the sign say?

"Welcome to Florida" yes very good, now what does it say below it? Do you remember? Concentrate now,,,,,,,,,,That's right, The SUNSHINE STATE! You got it! Now shut up and Deal with it.

'They' say the heat makes you a bit cranky. I have always thought this was just a big load of bullshit and an excuse. Then again, perhaps it is starting to take its toll on me. Every time someone complains about the heat or asks me "so is it hot enough out there for ya?" , I just want to scream or punch them in the head. My therapists though, being the mild mannered, court appointed bastards they are, frown on such actions. It happened again Sunday afternoon.

A large group of regulars came into the restaurant to have dinner. I, while making my rounds, went over to see how their meal went. I was told over and over that everything was just fine yada yada. And then it happened. Mrs. Lanski, while making polite conversation, asked "so is it hot enough out there for ya?" I had kind of already had this post bouncing around in my head most of the day so I am blaming it on y'all for what happened. It all happened so fast it is just a blur.

Me: "No not really."

Mrs Lanski: (enter shocked look here) "NO??? It's not???"

Me: "nope, I was hoping it would get about 10 degrees hotter."

Mrs Lanski: "hotter, but why? "

Me: "Science! I want to see if it actually IS possible to literally sweat your balls off."

Who could have known a group of 60 year old women could be so prudish? Who on earth could have guessed a preacher's wife would have no sense of humor? Anyone know any other good churches around here?



briliantdonkey said...

And yes I FULLY aware that it is GEOGRAPHY and not Geometry, just as I am aware that there are two "L's" in "brilliant".


briliantdonkey said...

*** I AM ***

Susan said...

You're commenting on your own blog before anyone else does. I think the heat is gettin' to ya BD.

Turnbaby said...

""Me: "Science! I want to see if it actually IS possible to literally sweat your balls off."""

Please tell me you really said that --I would have LOVED to see the looks.

Tera said...

"It is called, drum roll please, "THE SUNSHINE state!" Not because you will be living in igloos."

LMAO!!!!!!!!! And I could have sworn I saw someone in a parka the last time I came to Miami!

the108 said...

Wouldn't it be great if Florida's state motto really WAS "The Fucking Sunshine State"??

briliantdonkey said...

Susan: The heat? what heat?

Turnbaby: Yep, I actually said it. Though it was actually to a regular customer at the next table. I didn't realize how LOUD I said it till I turned around and saw preacher's wife with a look of horror on her face.

Tera: That is possible, those miamians are a different breed.

108: I am working on it.


heather said...

YAY FOR BD!!! rant on brother, rant on!

i'm so proud of you, i'm grinin from ear to ear. :-)

well done, very well done. :-)

*course now i have to explain to cheeks what's so funny. lol*