Monday, January 15, 2007

speed traps part two

So here I was, clearly with the policeman checking my speed. I could almost see the smirk on his face. I could almost see him thinking "ahhhh middle aged man in a sports car SURELY he is speeding."

I am not sure what I was expecting. Maybe, part of me was expecting an invisible ray to shoot out of it and transport the unsuspecting officer into another part of town, another city, or galaxy. Maybe that is why in spite of all the beeping I had heard I had never seen one single police car. Perhaps the beeps were just the little creatures version of a 'high five' after doing so. It's possible.

Maybe I was expecting this thing to start making some sort of sound I could easily recognize. Maybe, start singing the tune to cops so that I would KNOW what it was trying to tell me. At the very least I would know that I need to take my shirt off, poke out my beer gut, and start speaking incoherently in case they are filming this stop and pull me out of the car. I have seen enough episodes of cops to know doing so is apparently florida Law.

Part of me expected a fist to protrude out of it, or better yet one of those giant foam fingers you see at football stadiums across the nation. Only this time, it would be using the finger so many other people use on me everyday while telling me "i am number one".

I could have handled that.....

Maybe part of me expected this thing to trigger some mechanism that would cause the smell of bacon to come pouring out the vents in my car or the radio station to automatically change to a commercial just in time to hear some guy wake up out of bed and mutter "time to make the doughnuts".

I am not sure what I expected. Any of these would have been acceptable. What I got was NOTHING.

Not a beep, not a blip, not a song.

Not a bleep, not a burp, not a throat clearing "ahem",,,,,,NOTHING!

So I can't help to think along the lines of "radar detector my ass!"

I can't help wondering if the people who built these things, didn't just throw some wires together in a little case and call it a radar detector. I am guessing they had a meeting at some point, where someone suggested, "we need to make it just beep randomly so the fools buying it will THINK it is actually working."

I haven't officially given up on it, but I HAVE started to try and figure out what it is trying to tell me. While doing so I have paid particular attention to my surroundings when It DOES start to beep.

One thing that I have noticed to be consistant. Whenever I get within three blocks of a drugstore, especially CVS or Walgreens this thing beeps without fail. The closer I get the faster it beeps, blinks, and whistles.

I am reminded of that ED commercial where the catch phrase is something like "so when the moment is right be ready for the moment".

Perhaps my nephew was looking out for me after all. Perhaps he knows, that at any given point every american male finds themselves in a situation.

Who hasn't found themselves unprepared at a time when you are watching a movie with your girlfriend and things get hot and bothered?

Who hasn't had the phrase "no glove, no love" pounded into their heads?

Who hasn't reached into their wallet to pull out the trusty item you've kept there so you could live up to the ole boy scout motto of "be prepared"?

Who hasn't done so only to read in horror the words "best if used prior to 1983" just under the "only 98.8% effective" warnings?

Now, thanks to my nephew, I can rest easy. Should I ever find myself in that situation again, errrrrrrrr I mean if someone I know ever finds themselves in that situation, I can hop in my car plug in my condem detector and know that I can find one in mere moments instead of hours.

After all, "when the moment is right, be ready for the moment."


If you can't be smart, at least be a smartass.


The Sarcasticynic said...

The detector could play the tune, "I fought the law, and the law won," for all the good it sounds like it will do for you.

Michael Thomas said...

I'm guessing at this point that the officers face was crushed with disappointment to find you going under the speed limit.

Killer said...

I hate the sound radar detectors make. I think the bacon smell would be a brilliant warning system. Unless you are Jewish, then it would just be temptation.

Bice said...

Maybe it's beeping like a smoke detector does when it's time to change the battery.

Fringes said...


Both great posts.

Um, you're middle-aged?

And, what kind of car is it?

Susan said...

I'm now humming the theme to cops. I think you've got a billion dollar idea on your hands..

briliantdonkey said...

SC: That would be another good one.

MT:Yes I think he was crying if I am not mistaken.

Killer:Yes the sounds are annoying. They should make em like Ipods where you can download your own choice of sounds

Bice: Oh shit! Thanks for pointing that out, had had the detector and fire alarm reversed by accident.

Fringes: Thanks, No I am only 38 but I am practicing saying it now so it will bother me even less when I am.
Just a mustang, but compared to all the 'more responsible' cars I had in my youth it might as well be the bat mobile.

Susan: tell me about it! where is that number for the patent office?

Roadchick said...

Just a thought, but is it possible that the cops are shooting laser and you're running a radar detector???

Kind of like bringing a knife to a gun fight.


Susan Abraham said...

Thank you for your words on my blog, Brilliant Donkey. A smartass? That sounds about right for me at the moment. :-)