Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Sidebar tribute

"The cops were there."

I grew up on "once upon a time".

I grew up on "There once was a (fill in the blank with a person or animal here)

on, "who lived in (insert place of origin here)"

But I am in Biffy now........

"The cops were there" seems to be biffy's version of "once upon a time". I can't tell you how many stories I have heard in my 4 months there that have either started off with that simple little line or at least contained it some where in the story. It is odd really, odd is all I can say.

Here we are and yet another new year is upon us. I am in a new place, with a new job, and coincidentally this here blog just so happens to be(technically) about to turn one though I didn't really start posting in it regularly until about 4 months later. What are the requirements here?

Do I buy it presents? One year olds can't really enjoy presents can they?

Should I just save my money and give the new one year old an old box or some wrapping paper to play with? I am not sure what to do, so I will come up with a story that I have had bouncing around in my head for quite some time. In it I will be using titles of blogs that appear in my sidebar, a few other blogs that I have recently begun reading but haven't yet added a link to, and even a few random blogs that those blogs led me to. Consider it a small tribute if you will. To biffy, to my now 4 readers, to the countless people out in blogland who have provided me with endless hours of laughs, stories, anecdotes and the like, thanks. Hopefully, this story will return the favor if only for a few minutes and 18 million words.

In his book "on writing" Stephen King while answering where he gets some of his ideas from says what I have come to think of as the 'Reese's peanut butter cup theory'. In it he says something along the lines of "My best stories seem to happen when two or more totally unrelated thoughts come together to form a story." My random thoughts recently writing wise,have been of this idea, of biffy, of those in my sidebar, what the hell I should post about and even my 4 readers. Here is my attempt at making a peanut butter cup though I will likely shoot down my favorite author of all time's above mentioned theory. Anywhooo, here goes:

The cops were called......

When I met them outside the door I was at first distracted by the clarity of night air that seemed to be surrounding us. I assured the officer that I really did NOT know how things got so out of control.

We were all just having dinner. Everything seemed to be going quite well as the family was gathered around the table laughing and joking. And then things seemed to go wrong. Just wrong is all I can say.

We were simply waiting around for that Insane waiter to bring us our drinks. The seconds turned to minutes and the minutes to what felt like weeks. I remember looking around for him and was glad to see he was indeed at least at the bar and the barmaid had indeed made our drinks. However, he clearly had more interest in the barmaid 's boobs than quenching our thirsts or hunger.

It was a good thing my Crazy aunt purl was distracting everyone. On and on she went with her inane thoughts and insane ramblings so much so that they didn't even seem to notice. My other aunt, Alynda and I exchanged a glance, rolled our eyes at purl and ultimately decided to just be patient.

You know how they say that hindsight is 20-20? I can now clearly say that this is true. I should have known from experience that the lack of food or drinks would probably lead to trouble. I knew we would likely be here in Red lobster listening to her Pub Rants and ramblings of a gypsy soul all night long if that waiter didn't get back here soon, and yet I stayed quiet. This may not have been the best strategy to employ.

Hind site.......


Only the fact that I was starving made me speak up eventually. I wasn’t only ready for dinner, I felt like I could easily follow it up with 80 breakfasts and still come back for lunch.

When the Restaurant Gal came to see what was going on I told her everything was fine but asked her to kindly walk by our waiter and urge him to get over here sometime today or with this crowd there might be trouble.

Anne, Anne Frazier was her name if I remember correctly. She simply listened and nodded politely. Whether she was doing so because she was actually interested or simply trying to fight the urge to respond like a Sarcastic fringehead I do not know for sure. She went on over to the waiter, pointed at us and appeared to tell him to get his act together.

We finally got our drinks with a promise to 'be right back' for our food order. 25 minutes later, still no food and I'll be damned if that bastard wasn't right back over there talking to the barmaid. By now my party was beginning to get a bit antsy.

Uncle Junior began removing the olives from his martini glass and launching them across the room at the waiter. He mist1, two, three times before his date Roadchick joined in and proceeded to hit the barmaid with the first olive she threw. Uncle junior I must say was impressed. He looked at her with a new found admiration. Me? I was just shocked is all.

"don't look so shocked" she said apparently reading my mind, "I was trailor trash when trailor trash wasn't cool, now hand me those lemons!"

I turned around to grab them just in time to hear my dear sweet Aunt Alynda scream at the waiter across the room. When that didn't work I began to wonder what exactly you had to do to get this guy's attention. Alynda was apparently thinking the same thing.

I turned just in time to see AlyndaBear all, and scream "I will show you MY boobs if you will just bring us our food!". while raising her house dress.

I guess this is about as good a time as any to mention that Aunt Alynda is 91. Anyone know what happens to boobs at that age?

One word.


So there stood Alynda, with her boobs Flashing in the gutter. Needless to say this got his and everyone else's attention as well. Last I saw of him he was running into the kitchen on some sort of endless waiterant about the clarity of night terrors he would be suffering through for the next 6 weeks.

The woman in the next booth over uttered something about that being "just bad Burnettiquette"on her way out of the door.

The eight year old in the booth 3 tables down, stared in amazement as his cardiac fantasies of having his National geographic come to life had just come true.

I knew that I should probably do the write thing and put an end to it before things got out of control but I couldn’t help myself. I was wrapped up in miminutia of details on how to best handle this. What if Dr. Phil calls? Do I accept that interview and the free counseling or hold out for Oprah? A flashflood of ideas was bouncing around in my brain.

Movie deals.....
I wonder what this video would go for on ebay?

It was stuff like this that I could write about, but after seeing such a site I wondered if the rest of my life would have to be spent Writing Blind.

If worst came to worst I knew I could spend all day tomorrow telling this story around the Absolute write water cooler. After all, blind or not, if I did a good enough job of telling the tale maybe it would appear in Jaye’s blahhhhg and get picked up by NBC news or something. I could already picture her trying to enter the story into her post. She would have one hand typing and the other holding her side from laughing too hard. Maybe she would even forward the story to Miss Snark literary agent and get a book deal out of it.

The cops were there......

"Mr. donkey?, you really expect me to beleive that load of horse crap you are throwing out?" the officer asked me.

"It is true! I couldn't make stuff like that up!"

"You don't beleive me?"

Just my luck" I thought as he clicked the cuffs into place. "Being arrested by fellow sarcastic cynic."

The cops were there.........With good behavior hopefully I will be out by monday.

Author's note: All of the highlighted links are to blogs that I have come across at some point and time, or the person responsible for them at least. Hopefully, I haven't offended anyone with the way I used them in this post. To do so was the last of my intentions, but if that is the case let me know and I can change it. Hopefully, if you have read this far you will go back an visit some of them. Most are very highly recommended and even in my sidebar.




christine said...

I loved it! :) I wish I were half as creative and imaginative as you are. Bravo!

joey said...

Brilliant! :) I enjoyed your story and am thrilled to be a part of it :)

Happy new year...hope 2007 turns out fantastic for you! :)

mist1 said...

Well done. I have to visit these blogs now. I could use some new reads.

Bice said...

Brilliant! A BD epic worth reading all the way to the end (instead of buying the cliff notes like I usually do).

Michael Thomas said...

Nice Post, Duuuuuuuude.

Roadchick said...

It sort of figures that the 'chick would be paired up with someone named Uncle Junior. At least it wasn't Uncle Grandpaw or Uncle Brother.

However, in the interest of accuracy, please note that the 'chick would've auctioned the olives off to the highest bidder (hunger, you know) and thrown knives instead.

That'll get their attention!

Thanks for including the 'chick!!! Fun!

The Sarcasticynic said...

I'm new to this blog, but your reputation for verbosity precedes you. However, I think you have outdid yourself in coming up with a new way to keep your four readers engaged in a single of your posts. My hat's off to you.

alyndabear said...

My 91 year old boobs and I are laughing my butt off over here!

Happy one year bloggiversary, BD. Loved stalking you this year and look forward to the next!

Fringes said...

Great post! I don't think Anne Frazier has ever been to the fringe, so she was probably not trying to respond like me. I am a unique voice, you know.

Never apologize for your own writing. If someone is offended, send them to me and I'll remind them to fuck off.

Jeff said...

This is good, BD! Thanks for including The Write Thing. :)