Monday, January 22, 2007

seen it all part two

If you missed part one scroll down a page or so to the last post.

G immediately loses his cool. None of the contingency plans covered this. He starts to insist whatever we do we can't keep staring at the mustache and yet I can't seem to make myself look away. What do you do when someone says don't look down? you look down! When teachers tell you not to look directly at the sun? You look into the sun!

G: "look away don't stare that is rude!"

P: "ohhhhh bet you wish you were looking at the cleavage now dont you?"

G: "Quit playing around P, I need help here, help me turn"

P: "Nope can't help you.before long the eyes will be listening to ME again!(evil laugh)

This went on for what felt like an eternity. Finally, and with herculean effort I manage to turn away and face the man at the table again. I almost hear as much as sense G collapsing on the couch weary and drained. It is at this point that I am reminded of a certain episode of seinfeld. I swear at times my life IS seinfeld. I am also reminded of the saying 'out of the frying pan and into the fire."

The contingencies covered cleavage.

The contingencies covered failure to make eye contact.

If eye contact fails, look out the window.

If the window fails, look at the floor and so on.

The contingencies did NOT cover female mustaches but all in all G handled it pretty well on the fly.

I was soon to find out the contingencies also made no mention of "Moobies", or "mitties" or whatever other term you can come up with for man breasts but this guy had em. He had em in spades and was in serious need of a 'bro' or a 'mansier'.

P: "G?, you there buddy, get off the couch and turn us again, remember cleavage? eye contact!
contingency A) floor! Contingency B, window!"

G: ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz..........

P: "brain? how bout a little help here?"

B: "huh? what? what is going on? P, are you playing the cleavage game again?"

P: "G has passed out and he forgot to turn control back over to me, turn fool turn,,,,,look AWAY from the light!"

I narrowly managed to do so, though I can't really say I remember how. I am fairly sure the damage to my eyesight is not permanent.

Where are they now you may ask?

P? P went 'turtle' after this incident. I haven't heard from him since and am beginning to wonder if I ever will again. It is not known for sure whether he is in hiding, recovery, deserted in the face of the enemy, or what. If he doesn't turn up in a few days I may be forced to ask Rosie what happened after I blacked out. On the bright side, I have discovered sitting down to pee really isn't all that bad.

G? G woke up, recovered fairly well, and is just enjoying the time without P around for a while. At the same time he kind of misses the daily arguments.

B, immediately went to work on updating all contingency plans for future use. He wonders if men will get as upset about the the term 'mits' as their female counterparts seem to. He is also not sure whether to refer to them as Measts, Mreasts, or just stick with male breasts.

The little girl, wound up coloring a really nice picture and hanging it up in the hallway of the restaurant. I still can't bring myself to look at it for fear of causing a flashback of some kind.

Onion rings have been permanantly removed from the menu.

The parents? Safe to say they got free onion rings and who knows how much more. I don't know if they will be back, but if so the other manager is in for a rude awakening. G argued for a while that she should be warned ahead of time, but ultimately gave in to the 'misery loves company' strategy and agreed to keep quiet.

and sometimes you think you have seen it all.


Because even if you can't be smart you can always be a smartass.


Bice said...

So was mustache a dude with dressed as a woman or a woman with a 'stash? Sorry if you made it clear and I missed it.

briliantdonkey said...

Just a woman with a stash. prolly wasn't clear enough, sorry.


Bice said...


Remember the scene in the Austin Powers movie where Austin encounters the Fred Savage character and he has that big mole on his face and Austin can't stop looking or touching it? That's what this story reminds me of.

heather said...

poor bd, (hug) it's too bad the customer service industries don't offer combat pay. or therapy. as much as i feel for you i can't help but think of their daughter. that poor kid is gonna be soooo confused.

mist1 said...

I do not support the term "mits," because sometimes, when I am tipsy and trying to type my name, I type Mits or Msit. So, both of those are out.

Jeff said...

I would have been just as surprised as you, BD.

christine said...

Personally, I like "moobs" or "man-bookbs". Love the new donkey, he's so cute, almost too cute and sweet to be a smartass. :)

Susan said...

I can relate to this: On New Years Eve I was watching two people dance. I was actually watching a ton of people all grind together wondering if there was going to be an odd orgy on the dancefloor. I noticed one man with a mohawk grinding up on a girl. I sort of knew the girl but not the guy. When the other bartender came close enough, I gestured at the couple "Who's her new man?"...

"That's a woman Susan"...

My brain immediately turned strictly to bartender mode and all I remember is forgetting how to make a long island ice tea. It was a tough night.

fringes said...

I'm totally forced to pretend I read this and all related entries. I'll print it and take it to bed with me as night stand reading material.

heather said...

i agree with christine, cute donkey. although i think the addition of a graduation cap would complete the smart ass visual.

briliantdonkey said...

Bice, yeah now that you mention it I am picturing said mole, thanks a lot.

Heather: I kind of thought along those same lines myself. If she can get her dads moobies and her brother can get their mom's stache they will live happily ever after.

Mist: duly noted.

Christine: kind of like moobs myself,,,,well I dont like moobs but the term at least. "manbookbs"? are those man boobs with a library card or what?

Susan: have your people call my people we will set her up with this couple.....she can take her choice

Fringes: is that your way of saying you need a coaster for your nightstand? Glad I could be of help.

Heather: still working on that part, but something along those lines is coming.....eventually.


christine said...

Manboobs! That was a typo, you smartass. :P

Suz said...

I've been trying to post a comment for three days here BD! (New proxy doesn't like you, but I got smart and turned it off for a minute to make my damned comment).

Anyhoo, I was gonna say that I learned my lesson about not having seen it all last week. ;)

And good thing I previewed since you just posted a reply. I'm removing my briliant donkeyed remark about the avatar thingy...


Killer said...

I have mastered the art of not looking at cleavage, and luckily have not had too many encounters with chicks with a handlebar stache, but my problem is huge with crossed eyed people.
I can't decide which eye to look at, so I end up just looking at their forehead .