Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Two birds, one stone, a post Christmas post(part deaux)

So there I am finally having finished all my shopping and proud of myself for not losing it in the middle of wally world. Promising myself next year I would NOT wait until the last minute. KNOWING I am lying, but lying to myself just the same. Then it hits me. That 'what the hell am I forgetting' feeling I had the whole time I was in the store was finally explained. I was supposed to get the 20 or so fellow employees at work a card and a little something. Nothing big, nothing major just a little something that would allow me to hope the whole 'it is the thought that counts' thing not being just a load of bull would do. While in Wally world, I remembered the cards, and had intended to buy a little small candle thingy or something like that. Yet here I was driving home with nothing like it so now I am cussing at the thought of going back in that store.

With every word that comes out of my mouth, I envision Santa shaking his head and pulling back one gift. I suspect a few of the words may have even caused him to make sure I got the sweater again.

And then there it was. A big blue and yellow beacon in the sky.

My savior.

A Blockbuster store, right next to walmart.

Brain:But gift cards are soooo impersonal!

me: Says who? I LOVE gift cards, have you ever seen someone return one?

Brain:but blockbuster?

Me: sure! who doesn't like a good movie?

Brain: the candle idea was a good one, you just don't want to go back in wally world! tsk tsk
I have to say I am quite dissappointed. Just when I thought your were ready to get into the spirit of Christmas and do something really nice and thoughtful too.

Me: Arrrghhh! Okay we can go back to wally world, but don't make a habit of pulling this guilt trip shit on me!

Brain: Good, it is the right thing to do.

Me: You do realize this causes other problems dont you? I don't want to hear it in a while when you start to complain.

Brain: Complain? me? about what?

Me: The candle thing has other problems.....If there is anything we do worse than picking gifts, it is wrapping them and this means trying to wrap 20 little oddly shaped things.

Brain: and?

Me: Anddddd, this means twenty different times you trying to instill some sort of coordination into the fingers. Twenty potential times you will have to get upset when they ignore your instructions and put the paper on inside out. Twenty potential times you will have to tell them to stop laughing and goofing off and get the job done, so we can get some rest. But you are right 'it IS the right thing to d......

Memo from: Brain

Memo to: arms, feet, hands, anyone else that will listen

Subject: Urgent message

"Blockbuster is ahead on the right, turn fools turn!!!!!!!"

So, 10 minutes and several $5 blockbuster gift cards later I sat at home stuffing envelopes and happy with myself. That reverse psychology class I took really comes in handy once in a while.

The next day at work I hand out the cards, each with a gift card in them. My nephew pulls me aside,and can't stop laughing.

Finally, he pulls himself together enough to say one of our catch phrases:

"You are in Biffy now"

This is something we always say to each other when we see something 'small townish'.

For example:

see someone driving down the road on a lawn mower......"you're in Biffy now"
see the latest newspaper edition hit the stands(once a week btw)....."you're in biffy now"
customer asks to put up a 'lost pet' sign that turns out to be for a pig named mable?

"you're in biffy now"

So I look at him, not comprehending, thinking he has just seen something small townish and is about to tell me about it.

"you know, I am not complaining, (enter more laughter here) but you of all people will be able to appreciate this."


"Ummm,,,,,,Biffy? Biffy doesn't have a blockbuster. "

"What? Who on earth does NOT have a blockbuster."


"But, but" I stammer,,,,"But they have a walmart! EVERY walmart has a blockbuster right next to it! You can't have a walmart and not have a blockbuster beside it! It is like peas without the carrots, peanut butter without jelly, it is just a fact of life! It is a LAW damnit! Who the hell doesn't have a Blockbuster?"

"Like I said, Biffy, Those laws don't apply here, How many times do I have to tell you Biffy is a whole other world" he smirks at me.

I am convinced he is pulling my leg, so I google it in my cellphone thinking surely even if Biffy doesn't have one, there HAS to be one within one of the next small towns over.

As it turns out, the nearest Blockbuster is 38.5 miles away from biffy. I feel a commercial coming on here:

Blockbuster gift card: $5.00
hour and a half spent going to and from: $9.00(even for a min wage worker)
Gas for your trip: $8.00
Cost to do it all again to return movie(even on time): $23.00

Proving beyond a shadow of the doubt I am the worst gift picker outer ever AND that
Biffy truly IS in the middle of NOOOOwhere: Priceless!



Michael Thomas said...

Oh, good Lord. Not even I could fumble the ball that bad, BD. It gives me hope that I'm not the biggest fool in the world EVERY day.
It's real easy. Go to Walmart, buy $10 gift cards (consider it your penance for not sticking with the candles), then trade them out with them.
They might not even hold it against you if they haven't thrown the cards in the trash already.
Good luck with that, bud.


Bice said...

This story: priceless

And you had to talk your brain into this... some brain!

What does BFE stand for? I've never heard this phrase.

briliantdonkey said...

BFE- stands for Bum Farked Egypt if I am not mistaken. NO idea where it came from or how it started.


Kim G. said...

This smells like a great article submission for the local paper next year around the holidays. You should send it in to the Biffy Tribune!

Great stories about your Christmas and glad you had a good one!

christine said...

Haha, that was priceless indeed! Wow, you weren't kidding when you said you worked in BFE. I thought you were exaggerating. You must have customers and servers grabbing your butt and fighting over who gets to take you home, you big city boy stud you. ;)

Did you ever replace the cards with something else? What did you finally end up doing?