Thursday, August 10, 2006

Weighty issues

Weighty issues

I am working Hellay the other day. Sitting there in the server station with one of the other servers who we shall call Katrina(no relation whatsoever to any kind of tropical storm, hurricane or any other natural disaster). The lunch rush has yet to start, in fact as of right then we are looking more like a library than a restaurant.

“ugh, I am getting so fat” Katrina pipes up after a few minutes.

Mind you, Katrina here is no Ally Mcbeal. She is not going to be seen in your neighborhood checkout line tabloid under the heading ‘anorexic stars battle for their lives’. That said she is far far from anything remotely approaching fat. She is a college student, smart as a whip, approximately 22 years old and I would say weighs oh I don’t know maybe 110 pounds. MAYBE 110 pounds. Now maybe this is just my testosterone getting in the way. I am more than willing to admit, that perhaps the ability to pee standing up keeps me from being able to appropriately understand the trials and tribulations women must go through when forced to worry about their weight all the time. With all that being said, on behalf of the other 98% of women everywhere I think I can speak for most of them when I say to those of you like Katrina out there I can give you a glimpse of what they are thinking about you. However, before I continue, I will take this moment to pause and allow you to go get a pen and or paper so that you can write this down. Go ahead, I will wait………..1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, 3 mississippi………..okay you ready?


Quote: “GO TO HELL!” Unquote.

Quote: “YOU BITCH!” Unquote.

I could continue but I will stop there. Suffice it to say, if you weigh less than one of my legs, You are NOT fat. Mind you, I am not fat myself either. In fact, ‘scrawny’ has been used to describe me (grrrrrrr) more often than fat. Like I said, I don’t pretend to be able to understand how women feel when it comes to the entire issue of weight. However, I can only imagine most women feel the same about the Katrinas of the world as I would feel:

if Mr. Universe were to walk up to me and complain about needing to put on some muscles.

About the same as if Fabio were to come to me and complain about not being able to get women’s attention.

About the same as if Bill gates were to walk up to me and complain about needing money.
In short, were this ever to happen I am pretty sure that I would run through the possible responses in my mind, and consider each one carefully before answering. After being translated from womanese to manish it would sound different, but the feeling behind it wouldn't be much different than the women above and would probably go somehting like this:

A)Shut the hell up!

B)Go to hell

C)You bastard!

And now I will even add one more to it what the hell. I am feeling generous so add to that,

D) All the above!

It would be much like that scene in the terminator where Arnold has just carved his eyeball out and plopped it into the sink. The owner of the place knocks on the door and says something like “hey buddy, you got a dead body in there or what?” The computer in Arnold’s brain comes up with a list of responses sort of like those listed above and ultimatey settles on the most appropriate one of “fuck you asshole.” So, to all of you out there weighing in at a cool 110, and complaining of being fat be careful of expressing that concern or those you are expressing it to may very well do their best terminator impression.

The day goes on pretty much without incident. I leave Hellay and head to hellbee. I am working a banquet that night waiting on about 75 to 100 people. No big deal, in fact it was one of the easiest banquets that I have worked in quite some time. The group? Nexagen? Nexigen? Nexgen? Hell, I don’t know exactly what the product was called. However, the jist of this company is apparently they offer a patch. A patch that is used and supposed to help you to lose weight. Weight seems to be the theme of my day for some reason. Is Karma trying to tell me something? I can’t help laugh to a degree and half expect to see Katrina in the crowd of people there to purchase this latest miracle weight loss cure. Fortunately she isn’t so perhaps she got my memo. Now, I have nothing whatsoever against people who want to lose weight. In fact, if they feel they need to I applaud them for it. I DO however, have a large amount of skepticism about a patch being able to help anyone do so in and of itself. The oddest part of this whole thing, is the person giving this class, touting this miracle patch is, and I am being pretty nice here, HUGE! I am not talking about a little bit over, I am not talking about a lot over weight even. I am talking HUGE! In fact, I quickly come to the conclusion that Katrina was indeed here earlier and perhaps this guy ATE her! THAT is how huge he is.

Okay, not the best spokesman for the weight loss patch I think to myself but keep my trap shut for once. If he thinks he needs to lose weight and believes this patch is the way to do so, bravo I do indeed applaud him for it. I myself am fairly skeptical of such patches, but if they work for smoking, who am I to say they can’t work for this as well. I keep my comments to myself, and even manage to avoid THINKING mean thoughts for the most part. Until……………until this party ends, and everyone goes home. We finish cleaning up and head out the door ourselves. As I do, I note that this instructor,salesman, or whatever is right outside the front door of our establishment and is in a rather heated argument with a police officer. As it turns out, he has avoided the normal parking lot and has parked illegally in a handicapped spot right beside the front door. Okay, I am not being nice anymore, this guy has now immediately lost any sympathy he may have had from me. The whole ‘parking in a handicapped spot’ thing is one of those things that just irks me. Irks me to no end in fact. Don’t get me wrong, those that need it, I think SHOULD indeed use it. Those that are entitled to it, by all means have at it. Those that use it who do NOT need it and are just doing so out of nothing more than laziness? THESE people I have a problem with and always have. Add to that fact, that this particular one happens to be wanting (and frankly NEEDING to lose weight) and my mind just begins to reel with the irony of it all. Lets see…….need to lose some weight:

Option A) Park where you belong, and walk the extra 300 feet. I am no nutritionist or expert on the matter, but I would tend to think that doing so would possibly ohhhhhh I don’t know, maybe burn 13 or 14 calories minimum?


Option B) Lets park illegally in the handicapped spot by the door, possibly causing some 80 year old lady in a wheelchair to have to roll the extra 300 feet. Then,,,,,THEN lets go inside, peddle this miraculous weight loss patch, and wonder why oh why am I not losing weight? Hmmmmmm go figure.

Irony,,,,,,,I love it and yet at times I hate it as well.



jason evans said...

Good thing you didn't say A, B, C, or especially D. That could've had unfortunate consequences. (I'm thinking T2 here. And you wouldn't have a vat of molten metal at your disposal.)

Jaye Wells said...

Wow, that was quite a rant. You were right on about all of it though.

It all makes you just want to wear a sign on your chest that says "Shut the hell up," doesn't it?

normiekins said...

laughing my ass off...hope that will help me loose the 4,000 lbs i need to loose.....!!!!!!!

why is it the skinny people are always the ones who talk about losing weight.? i just want to slap them.

here's a diet tip....push yourself away from the table.....and exercise.....

why is it that i've seen people on the patch eating a Big Mac.????

i detest people who don't respect the handicap parking rules! They should have their license revoked for a month.

Roadchick said...

Donkey, dahlin'
Let the 'chick translate for you:
skinny girl + "I'm so fat" comment = Bid For Attention and Praise {No, you're not - you're just perfect like you are!}

Caution must be exercised (exercised! ha!) in applying this theorem because it causes an infinity equation to open. When the infinity equation opens, you will be trapped in a repeating loop of the previous theorem.

The 'chick admires your restraint in making it through the banquet and not thinking snide thoughts because she couldn't even get partway through the story without thinking them.

Flood said...

Great rant. You're insightful and funny.

Blogger is being emotional, so hopefully this goes through.

Writing Blind said...

You're so....angry. *Sigh* I love it. People at work always compare me to the insanely bitchy psycho waitress in "Waiting". Perhaps we're kindred spirits, no?

briliantdonkey said...

Jason: agreed, it is a good thing. Only took me 37 years to learn silence occasionally.

Jaye: I don't really need the sign, while I manage to stay quiet, I am pretty sure it is written on my forehead.

Normiekins: Laughing your ass off? hmmmmmm there is an idea. Wonder if I can get this post formed into a patch?

::::why is it that i've seen people on the patch eating a Big Mac.????:::::

watch it! No need to make fun of big macs! lol

roadchick: thanks for the advice. I would write it down, but I have noticed by the time I do so the rules and theorems just end up changing anyways.

Flood:Thanks, Great to see you again as usual.Blogger emotional? Surely you jest!

and yes I just called you Shirley.

Writing blind: angry ? Moi? nah! As for the kindred spirit, sure. There DOES seem to be at least one of those psycho waitresses in every bar or restaurant. Then again, someone is probably typing the same thing with ME in mind as we speak.

Thanks for the comments all.


word verification: Oyoioui.....

isn't that what we used to say as kids when we got a boo boo? Before we learned the much more effective S.O.B that hurt! phrase at least?


fringes said...

Hey, look! A new blog with a few familiar commenters. Where have I been?

Love the hellay and hellbee. I shall steal those for later use.

Okay about the skinnies complaining about their weight: they (we) don't mean they are fat/obese. They (we) mean that their clothes are fitting tightly or they're feeling bloated. Your friend is only 22. She'll learn soon enough not to complain within earshot of others. But her private angst shall continue b/c skinnies have the right to feel fat just like everybody else. We just don't have the right to whine about it.

How was that for a first comment? Is this thing on?

karen the neid said...

I would have to agree with the chick. Some women say it because they really do think they need to lose weight, and some say it to get attention and ressurance. And like the chick said, if you comment with "No, you look perfect," you will hear her comment about it at least three times a week. Upon seeing this, other women will come up to you and do the same. And you thought once was bad enough...

Just smile and walk away...

Great post!

christine said...

Unfortunately I know one too many Katrinas and I can assure you that 8 out of 10 of them do it , as roadchick suggested, for a bit of attention. So I've learned to not say anything, zero, zip in reply. That was the most effective response, rarely will they bother whining to you about that extra ounce they think they gained on their toe again.

"word verification: Oyoioui.....
isn't that what we used to say as kids when we got a boo boo? Before we learned the much more effective S.O.B that hurt! phrase at least?" --- too funny!!

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