drugs of choice

Ahhhhh all things are slowly becoming right in the world again. It is that time of year. A time to celebrate as things are looking up. A time when most of us stand up and pee’ers and even some of those that sit take at least a little bit of time to ‘just get along’. Racial lines are crossed. Political differences are put aside. For a while, even religious disagreements are put on the back burner.

The last few months have been like crossing a desert. The air was dry, the sand kept blowing in our eyes and we were dying of thirst. We had been here before. It is a trip we take every single year in fact. We know that if we hang in there long enough there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. We know if we hang in there long enough a nice shady watering hole will suddenly appear and all will be right yet again. As always there were numerous points along the way where we thought we saw it. There were numerous points where we started to pick up the pace only to watch helplessly as it turned out to be nothing more than a mirage moving farther and farther away. Thoughts of I am too damn old to keep making this trip invariably enter my mind. Thoughts of this time this trip is going to kill me visit over and over.

And then out of nowhere a savior appears. He doesn’t really have the look of the savior that most people, or at least me, conjure up in our minds. He stands about 5 foot 2 is of Philippine descent, wears thick coke bottle sized glasses and walks with a very noticeable limp. Perhaps, it is the limp of one who has dragged quite a few of us on the verge of dying from this desert over the years.

He is dressed as always, in blue shorts, a light blue short sleeved button up shirt, shoes and black socks. Normally, I would make fun of such an outfit if I saw someone wearing it out in public. I have always had a theory, that at some point in every male’s life, something must snap in our brains. I don’t know if it happens on a certain date, or at a certain age. However, this I DO know. At some point in my life I am going to find it totally acceptable to dress like this. Somehow, the idea of going out in the yard with dress shoes, black socks, and shorts will seem normal to me. At some point, sandals or flip flops with these socks will seem like one hell of a fashion statement instead of dorky as hell. At some point, which I hope and pray is still a long ways away some 20-30 year old will be passing ME in Wal-Mart in this type of get up, shake his head and wonder what the HELL is that old man thinking? The day is coming, I have no doubt, but thankfully that day is not here yet.

In his defense though I must say that he doesn’t dress like this by choice so I tend to cut him some slack. Even with that being the case, it usually takes all my effort and all my will power to not at least consider making fun of him too. Not on this day though. On this day, this gentlemen who is fond (or maybe not so much so), of words like “rain, and sleet or dark of night” gets an absolute free pass from me. Hell, on this day if he showed up wearing a tutu and Tammy Faye Bakeresque type makeup he would get a free pass as well. He is my drug dealer and I have awaited his delivery for days on end. We don’t meet in a back alley however. We don’t pass on the street like in the movies and pass things back and forth in some secret handshake ritual. No, I meet him where I can meet him on any given day almost like clock work though I usually choose not to. However, today he is bringing my drug of choice. My veins are aching for it. They long for it. They are telling me over and over that they can not stand to wait much longer lest I go mad.

I was saying before that this is a time when all for a while is right in the world. It is a time when we seat leaver uppers double check the batteries in the remote control to make sure they are working. It is a time when we double check to make sure our grills are clean and ready. It is a time when we dig out the coolers, clean them out with loving care, and imagine them full. It is a time when every ounce of testosterone in our bodies screams halleluiah, praise God, and God bless America.

That oasis we have been seeing for months really DOES seem to be just up ahead but we await this savior in order to be sure. And then there he is. He sees me coming with a look of apprehension and nervousness on my face and hands me what he knows I need. No needles, no pills, but a drug much more powerful than any of that. I reach out and grab the package from him tearing it open to make sure. I have to make sure that all is in order. And there they are in all their glory. Jaguars football season tickets! That shimmering oasis also known as football season really IS here. Not that silly bounce the ball off your head crap either. I am talking football! REAL football! For that, all us stand up and pee’ers couldn’t be happier if the hooter girls showed up at our door. Unless of course they were carrying our tickets of course. On their behalf, all I can say is halleluiah and God bless AMERICA!

tags:Seinfeld,fat,football season,Jaguars,smartass,
tags:football,waitress,drugs,humor