A few weeks ago in Sunday scribblings the prompt was “what could have been.” This was my immediate thought of where to go with that prompt, but before submitting it I chickened out. At the risk of sounding whiney, today being what it is I decided to go ahead and post it anyways(assuming I don’t chicken out yet again).
WARNING: If you are here looking for a funny story, some anecdote or anything like that I apologize in advance. This post is NOT going to be that way. That said here goes….
I don’t know what it is about this week. I don’t know why it seems to hate me so much but clearly it does. I don’t believe in astrology, or psychics and the like. However, if I did, I have no doubt my horoscope for this week would say something like “ prepare for hell.” I am pretty sure Madam cleo would tell me something like, “stay in bed all week you can’t do any damage that way.”
Today I would like to be able to take the time to wish a dear friend a Happy birthday. Thirty six years old today Finn can you believe it? However, I can’t. Today, I should be picking up the phone and laughing about how old you are becoming but I won’t. Today, I should be hearing about ‘no matter how old you get you will never catch up to me.”
But I won’t.
Instead I know full well that tomorrow marks another anniversary. The anniversary of your death 16 years ago in a German city so far away from your home or mine. Instead, I sit here and the sound of Taps playing in my head is all I will hear for the next few days. Such an oxymoronic(is that a word?),,,oh well it is now.
Such an oxymoronic tune if ever there were one. So beautiful, and yet so damn ugly at the same time. Instead, I will hear the final beep of the heart monitor and remember how it felt to realize the screen was never going to blip again, no matter how badly I wanted it to. Instead, I will watch your family in my mind shed more tears than they ever knew they had. Instead, I will imagine them somewhere in Colorado visiting your grave site and uttering a few words. Instead, I will ask myself over and over if there were more that I could have done. Instead, I will focus on the what ifs and wonder why am I still here and you are gone. Instead, I will sit here thinking about how easily it could have been the other way around had I continued just a few more weeks with the constant overdrinking.
The constant partying…….The constant stupid things we did in search of the next adrenaline rush…..Instead, I will sit here for the next few days and fight the urge to drink myself numb.
Instead, I will wonder had the roles been reversed would you have pushed harder to make me stop or would you too have been too afraid of preaching? I will wonder if me still being here is a blessing, a curse, or a little bit of both.
I hear you Finn. I know you are telling me that just because this is that time of year, I shouldn’t let it bother me. I know you are telling me ‘so what if it has been exactly a year since ‘the one that got away’, got away. I have no doubt you are looking at me right now, shaking your head, and telling me to “pull my head our of my ass and move on.” What I wouldn’t give to have you tell me to ‘quit acting like a woman’ in that beaner accent of yours. What I wouldn’t give for another chance to preach and sound like a wuss. I hear you my friend, but today that isn’t going to work. Today, I deserve the misery I feel. Of that I have no doubt. Today my friend I just wanted to let you know, you may be gone but you are not forgotten.
I don’t know why this week hates me so, I only know that it does. It is a week when good friends die way too damn young. It is a week when ‘the one that got away’ got away. It is a week when the old saying ‘if it can go wrong it does’ brings itself to whole new levels.
Joseph R. Finn III
21 August 1970 -22 August 1990
Rest In Peace my friend, I will see you when I see you.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Posted by briliantdonkey at 9:23 PM