Thursday, April 12, 2007

I may need to get laid part two

In case you missed it, click HERE to get caught up and then come back.

So as I was saying, this really weird friend of mine was telling me this story of being visited by a really hot chick made of nothing more than vines. What a nut job he is huh? Then again it still makes a good story to tell so here I am.


Every relationship has its problems. Mine His and Mary’s was really no different.

Before too long problems began to arise. Due to problems at work I he had to start going in even earlier on a regular basis. She began nagging about me him spending entirely too much time at work. I began wondering why she could only stick around for ten minutes at a time and asking where she went when she left my house. We began drifting apart to the point we both uttered "maybe you are just not that into me" to each other at the same time. She didn't much appreciate my jealousy and yet I could almost hear her laughing as she faded away each day. Just when all seemed to be lost, things changed for the better. I went into the bathroom in the middle of the night one night and low and behold there she was. My neighbor happened to be out in his yard in the middle of the night for some reason. While there he had his backyard light on, which shined into my bathroom window and there was Mary in all her glory. This of course opened up whole NEW possibilities. I he began sending Kash fluffy outside 4 times a night even if she didn't have to pee. She resisted at first. I told her about bowzer next door and hinted that he seemed to have the hots for her. This worked like a charm.

Once.

Then she came back inside, gave me a ‘wow that bowzer is REALLY a dog’ look and invited me to never try and set her up again.

“but, but looks aren’t everything” I reasoned. No dice.

“but, but he has a great personality” I said, Again, no dice.

"So much for man's best friend" was enough of a guilt trip to make her change her mind though. Low blow you say? All is fair in love and war would be my counter argument.


When that stopped working (and not being above bribery) I went with a Jumbo box of milk bone dog biscuits. Life was good again, as I repeatedly sent her outside, bowzer went nuts, and caused the security lights to come on.

After a few days, dog biscuits and guilt trips were no longer working. She began making demands of T-bone steaks and leftover Chicken Parmigan.

I refused of course. A few weeks passed and neither of us gave an inch. She quit going to the bathroom at all at night. I knew she was just being a pain so I didn’t budge. It may have been my imagination, but I swear she began humming ‘mary had a little lamb’ every time she walked by me.

Go ahead, I will wait,,,,,,,,what? no 'wow that was a low blow' comments? Damn yall!

I don't know what kind of loser would give in to Blackmail from a dog.

I do know it was a coincidence that stores around here ran out of T-bone steaks.

And chicken.

Finally she had won, so after rewarding her I sent her outside and ran back inside to see mary for the first time in months. It was a beautiful summer evening and spending the day at the beach around all those bikinis couldn’t help remind me of her. When the lights came on I looked mary over slowly from head to toe. Summer had arrived and what once was her neat flowing hair now had a single bloom in it which was fairly cute. It kind of looked like a flower tucked behind her ear. That is where the good news ended unfortunately. Where once was her bare sexy back, now were several more blooms. No amount of squinting, imagining, or drinking on my part could convince me it was anything other than back hair. And don't even get me started on the leg hair,,,,,,shuddder. I ran back to my room and hid under the covers until I finally fell asleep. When I awoke the next morning I was surprised and yet somehow not so much surprised to see 'but she has a great personality' spelled out in dog food on the kitchen floor.

Anyone have any pointers on how to break up with an imaginary girlfriend? If so my friend could really use them.

Also, anyone in need of a dog?

BD
BD



18 comments:

heather said...

i reccomend hedge trimmers. and kash was only trying to spare you this pain. if you had listened to her then thinking of mary would still bring beautiful images to mind. now due to ~your~ stubborness she is fodder for nightmares. oh and kash is always welcome here.

Esmerelda said...

you projected all your dreams of romance on someone who wasn't nearly as perfect as the pedestal you put her on. Ahhh....BD....the trap of true love.

LMAO! THANKS! This was great!

briliantdonkey said...

Heather: hedge trimmers? Tried that but left it out of the story which was getting to long as is. Ever here what happens to hair when you shave it?

Esmerelda: Just a dime everytime I tell ya. just a dime.

BD

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

Guess it's time to start listening to the dog more often to avoid crushing disappointment;>

Ariel said...

Don't shave it. It'll grow back twice as thick!!

alyndabear said...

Haha! Your poor "friend". And his clever dog!

briliantdonkey said...

woo woo......I tried that. She tried setting me up with bowzer.

Ariel: bingo! It appears Mary turns out to be european.

Alynda: He is in counseling as we speak. I tried to call oprah but she isn't having any of it.

BD

heather said...

heya bd! congrats on your thinking blogger award! :-)

Kim G. said...

BD - Thanks for the kind comments you left me! I really appreciate your generous words. And for what it's worth, I'm a big fan of your clever humor and wit and it keeps me coming back to your blog to read more. If you were a fly on the wall in our house, you'd often hear me reading your posts out loud to Mr. G. and then both of us breaking into laughter (with you, not at you, my friend!).

Michelle O'Neil said...

Found you on Kim G.'s blog.

These Mary posts are too funny!

briliantdonkey said...

Kim: always great to see you. Thank you for the kind words as well.

Michelle: Thanks for stopping by. Hope you won't hold the fact that you found me at kim's place against her, everyone makes mistakes.

BD

Chris said...

Woof!

Are you sure that you are ready, I mean your friend is ready to give up all of that imaginary sex? ha ha

Chris
My Blog

DJPare said...

Hey, thanks for all the great comments!
And I love the quote in your title. Then again I believe that you can't be a smartass, unless you are smart!

bice said...

Hire an imaginary hit man to eliminate the 'problem' for you. No fuss, no mess, no witnesses. Sorry fluffy. Nothing personal, strictly business.

fringes said...

As a wise blues man once said: it's cheaper to keep her.

Lose the dog, tho.

mr. schprock said...

Better to be rid of her. She sounds like another clinging female.

Just telling it like it is said...

first...sorry I haven't been by in a while...darn my imaginary friends have had to put up with my absence so my friends that I actually talk to could have sometime and my boyfriend...I mean really...what are they thinking...make time for them...they all know I am not about feelings...

Okay I read about your first meeting with Mary...and I have to tell you..I have said many a time...Do not tell anyone what I did (sexually in a long standing relationship of coarse) you might reck my reputation...in fact I a am sure that is what mary is afraid of...

Here is the deal...you must have rules...My boyfriend although is never and I mean NEVER able to talk about his feelings tell everyone EVERONE about our rules...
Rule Number 1# never NEVER use sex as a weapon..the grass is never greener...always take one for the team if you have too...You would do that for your friends...and most of us have during college...Life long partnerships are like a flower ( I know cheesy and my boyfriend almost gagged when I told him this...imagine a 6'3 football quarter back with a mother that told him not to be a pussy on the field)...Your only going to get out what you put in...but in a lot of good, soil get big beautful flower...Never water it...it never grows...Have sex often...No one ever died and said Gee I wish I had worked more...never...life is tooo short and believe me I see it waisted in the ER everyday I work...
Rule Number 2..Always sleep naked...even if your mad...even if you have to take vigra to get an errection...cause emtional you are gone...

I know it seems like at times this is not worth the while and it is easier to find what you are looking for else where...but guess what...
Who is the person that loved you even if you Farted in bed...even if you did not wake up looking as handsome as you did the day you met...
People are not, I repeat are not replaceable...how do you get her back to thoughs days...

rule #1...what ever she does for you right...make a big deal about it...cook a great meal..wow that was the best meal I had in a long time...please no I will do the dishes tonight...you worked so hard on trying to please me with this meal...small random acts of kindness...work...and especially for women...you need to feel appreciated too for all your hard work...but give it a little time and see what small acts of kindness and a little ego eating will do...I swear this works...I would put my life on it...she get's a new hair cut...just notice it...leave a small note on the bathroom mirror...you looked great last night....anything non-sexual...women need to feel special and so do you just in different ways...Lightly brush against her in the hallway or touch her hand...in a non-sexual way...change your thinking and I swear she will begin to open her heart again...after all humans need love and love = acceptance...for all that you are even when you need your hair held up cause your puking in the toliet...even when you have verbally hurt each other...say to yourself no matter what I will no longer say shit that is hurtful...I wont do it...People that love each other hurt each other other wise if they didn't love you things would not hurt you...I one time had to pull a rabbit out of my arse cause I had to tell my boyfriend what he did hurt me...and I am the most nonfeelings woman you will ever find.....I would rather eat grubs than talk about my feelings...I would rather kiss a dead rotting body than let go of my ego...but you know what he is worth it...worth it and I know it so I have to step out of my comfort zone in order to get what I want out of life...cause it is tooo way toooooo short...
off soap box...I have been through many things in my life and the if it is not working and you have tried everything...then get out...cause you do not want to wake up and been 90 saying is this all there is to life...No hell no...it is way tooo precious to give up on someone who has loved you though thick and thin...or no need to move on to the next quarter...comprehede'...alright I admit I do not speak espanol'...let me know....just a nurse telling it like it is

Liz said...

I think breaking up with Mary would be easy. Just tell her that you sense that she has "grown" away from you.