I may need to get laid part two

In case you missed it, click HERE to get caught up and then come back.

So as I was saying, this really weird friend of mine was telling me this story of being visited by a really hot chick made of nothing more than vines. What a nut job he is huh? Then again it still makes a good story to tell so here I am.


Every relationship has its problems. Mine His and Mary’s was really no different.

Before too long problems began to arise. Due to problems at work I he had to start going in even earlier on a regular basis. She began nagging about me him spending entirely too much time at work. I began wondering why she could only stick around for ten minutes at a time and asking where she went when she left my house. We began drifting apart to the point we both uttered "maybe you are just not that into me" to each other at the same time. She didn't much appreciate my jealousy and yet I could almost hear her laughing as she faded away each day. Just when all seemed to be lost, things changed for the better. I went into the bathroom in the middle of the night one night and low and behold there she was. My neighbor happened to be out in his yard in the middle of the night for some reason. While there he had his backyard light on, which shined into my bathroom window and there was Mary in all her glory. This of course opened up whole NEW possibilities. I he began sending Kash fluffy outside 4 times a night even if she didn't have to pee. She resisted at first. I told her about bowzer next door and hinted that he seemed to have the hots for her. This worked like a charm.

Once.

Then she came back inside, gave me a ‘wow that bowzer is REALLY a dog’ look and invited me to never try and set her up again.

“but, but looks aren’t everything” I reasoned. No dice.

“but, but he has a great personality” I said, Again, no dice.

"So much for man's best friend" was enough of a guilt trip to make her change her mind though. Low blow you say? All is fair in love and war would be my counter argument.


When that stopped working (and not being above bribery) I went with a Jumbo box of milk bone dog biscuits. Life was good again, as I repeatedly sent her outside, bowzer went nuts, and caused the security lights to come on.

After a few days, dog biscuits and guilt trips were no longer working. She began making demands of T-bone steaks and leftover Chicken Parmigan.

I refused of course. A few weeks passed and neither of us gave an inch. She quit going to the bathroom at all at night. I knew she was just being a pain so I didn’t budge. It may have been my imagination, but I swear she began humming ‘mary had a little lamb’ every time she walked by me.

Go ahead, I will wait,,,,,,,,what? no 'wow that was a low blow' comments? Damn yall!

I don't know what kind of loser would give in to Blackmail from a dog.

I do know it was a coincidence that stores around here ran out of T-bone steaks.

And chicken.

Finally she had won, so after rewarding her I sent her outside and ran back inside to see mary for the first time in months. It was a beautiful summer evening and spending the day at the beach around all those bikinis couldn’t help remind me of her. When the lights came on I looked mary over slowly from head to toe. Summer had arrived and what once was her neat flowing hair now had a single bloom in it which was fairly cute. It kind of looked like a flower tucked behind her ear. That is where the good news ended unfortunately. Where once was her bare sexy back, now were several more blooms. No amount of squinting, imagining, or drinking on my part could convince me it was anything other than back hair. And don't even get me started on the leg hair,,,,,,shuddder. I ran back to my room and hid under the covers until I finally fell asleep. When I awoke the next morning I was surprised and yet somehow not so much surprised to see 'but she has a great personality' spelled out in dog food on the kitchen floor.

Anyone have any pointers on how to break up with an imaginary girlfriend? If so my friend could really use them.

Also, anyone in need of a dog?

BD
BD