Monday, April 02, 2007

I may need to get laid part one

I think it may be time that I get laid. Mind you I am normally NOT all that much of an "I need to get laid" sort of guy. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex just like everyone else, but I am like a sexual camel (or donkey if you must). A few months ago I was sitting at home like any other day off and happened to go into the bathroom . It was about 3:3o in the afternoon and the sun was shining brightly through my bathroom window. That was the first time she appeared.

You know how some people can look up at the clouds and see animals, trees, etc? You know how if you look at the stars at night you can see fish, and gladiators, and lions and such? Yeah, not me. The best I can do with the clouds is to see a roll of Charmin spread out on the floor. If I really REALLY stretch my imagination, I can see the little dipper or the big dipper but that is about it as far as the stars go.

Yet here I was on an ordinary day and appearing in my bathroom window was what appeared to be a naked(or at least scantily clad) woman. It kind of reminded me of the profile you might see on the back of a truck driver's mud flap though in a different pose. A while later I went into the bathroom again, and she was gone. I didn't really think all that much of it and on with life I went.

A few weeks later, I once again went into the bathroom coincidentally at around the same time, and boom she was back. Intrigued, I decided to go outside and see what was causing this. As it turns out it was nothing more than a bunch of vines growing across the window in just such a way. Anyways, she was still there, she was still naked, and for a bunch of vines I must say, she was still hot!

It didn't take long to realize that at a certain time of the day when the sun was shining just right through that particular window, she would appear. A little while later the sun would shift behind the neighbors trees and she would once again leave. I was reminded a bit of people who claim to see Christ or the Virgin mary in some of the oddest places. I am not Mexican. I have never seen visions of God or anything else in my pizza, on a slice of toast, or in a bowl of soup. Considering the way she was dressed I highly doubt she was a virgin, but decided to name her Mary anyways.

I have always felt quite strongly that the man upstairs MUST have a sense of humor. Call him God, Buddha, Allah or whatever be your preference or belief. Whatever your belief I don't know how anyone can think he(or she) doesn't have a sense of humor. How else can you splain putting men and women on the same planet for each other? How else can you splain being able to put a man on the moon, solve the cold war, and yet the war of 'seat goes up' vs 'seat goes down' still rages on and on and on. Clearly the man upstairs has a sense of humor. The fact that I didn't receive an immediate lightning bolt enema tells me confirms that belief. Either that, or He is just running way behind on his chores.

I tried to take a picture of her, but the crappy Cell phone camera picture simply didn't do Mary justice at all. I briefly considered setting up daily tours of my home and charging a dollar per person to come and see Mary. It was cheaper than any strip club after all. I considered calling the local news station and cashing in on the free advertising. In the end Greed won out and I decided to keep her all to myself.

I began planning my days around being here at around 330 or so. People at work would call and wonder if I was coming in today or not. Considering my years and years of always being punctual my boss began to get worried. Apparently drugs were suspected because I was asked to pee in a cup several times over the next several weeks. I think they expected me to be offended at the thought. Yet I agreed to do so repeatedly only asking they grant my request of doing so at 33o and always at my house.

I began to talk to Mary about sports, politics , or anything else that happened to be on my mind. We had to do so fast though, because like clockwork about ten minutes after she appeared she would be off yet again. I began asking her for advice about women, clothes and all sorts of other things. Oddly enough 'don't tell them about me' was the only advice she would give consistently. I am not really sure why though. I began using her as a sounding board for my best pickup lines and corniest jokes. She would laugh in all the right places(never while I was unzipped and still peeing) and tell me how witty I was.

To be continued


heather said...

lol, you know everything seemed perfectly normal untill you started talking to her. poor bd, getting laid may be the least of your worries! :-)

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

I'm in agreement with heather...perfectly normal until you started talking to her;>

NancyPearlWannabe said...

I'm totally going to start calling people "vine hot".

Esmerelda said...

That is SOO the solution to lonliness! So much healthier than calling an X or turning a friendship into a 'relationship' and having it totally tank. I'm going to get me one of those. Does Mary have a brother?

Ariel said...

You know this is caused by your lack of posting about anything other than American Idol. I don't care if it happened months ago--your brain knew what you would do and started punishing you in advance. AI=causes hallucinations.

I need someone to give me advice, though, so if Mary has an opening (haha..out of the gutter Ariel) tell her to try to squeeze me in.

SWF41 said...

I'm just wondering what happens if the vine blooms, and gives Mary an extra head or boob.


alyndabear said...

The question is.. how the hell does she talk back? Smart vines you've got there, buddy.

heather said...

AI=causes hallucinations. lmao!! great one kiddo!

Jeff said...

Are you falling in love with this woman, BD? :)

LaLa said...

As we would say in Australia, you need a root.

Mr. Fabulous said...

It takes a lot to scare me, but you are pulling it off LOL

Ariel said...

I do what I can, Heather. lol

BD: I'm not mad about the whole pink tool belt rejection. Everything will be fine as soon as you get to work...

..anytime now.

bice said...

Ariel said...

"I need someone to give me advice, though, so if Mary has an opening (haha..out of the gutter Ariel) tell her to try to squeeze me in."

Has an opening... squeeze me in... that Ariel is a naughty minx :)

Liz said...

When will your trips to the bathroom involve more than unzipping your pants to pee?

Don't answer.

briliantdonkey said...

Heather/ woo: The author of this blog makes no claims(implied or otherwise) of being 'normal'.


BD Legal team aka kash

Nancy: welcome to the blog. Thanks for stopping by. Okay so you clicked the wrong button and ended up here by accident? Still counts.

Esmerelda:I will ask

Ariel: "If mary has an opening ask her to try and squeeze me in" Whoa! she told me my trying out my pick up lines on her would be confidential!

SWF: did you say an extra boob?

Alynda: LTNS,,,,,I know long time no post yada yada ....yes very smart vines. Or very strong beer one or the other.

Heather: don't encourage her. Please don't feed the mermaids.

Jeff: falling?

Lala: a root? Hmmm now I have to go learn what root is in australia.

Mr Fab: welcome to the blog. What is "what do women say to bd on a regular basis"? I will take science and fiction for 300 alex.

Ariel: Started? I am already done. Oh shit I had the wrong house? Oops.

Bice: She is NOT a minx,,,,,,Bice she is NOT naughty!.....cough........

Answering bice take 3(click): Hi Bice.

Liz: done


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