dealing with jackasses

I was all ready to continue on the anatomy of a restaurant theme today and even got it off to a good start. However, while taking a break and checking out the latest post over at waiter rant,(see sidebar links) I stumbled across another blog , via the comments section. It is called “barmaidblog” and can be found at http://barmaidblog.livejournal.com/. Remember my rant on the dumb rednecks of the other day?Well it is good(or bad) to see that it isn’t limited to just rednecks or limited here to the state of Florida either. I guess it is true what they say. Misery DOES indeed love company. Thanks for the good read barmaid, I shall return.

Anyways, her post there entitled “how NOT to pick up a barmaid part II” reminded me a lot of something that happened several years ago so I decided to write about that tonight instead.

It was a pretty busy evening and I am working the bar that night with another bartender named Christie. Now, Christie is quite attractive and gets more than her share of attention from bar patrons. It is not uncommon at all for me to go to serve someone and have them comment any where from “I would rather have her serve me” to “no offense but she is a LOT better looking than you are.” followed by a laugh.

As a bartender this doesn’t bother me in the least. Wanna wait another 1-10 minutes for your drink till she gets a chance to get over here, by all means go for it.

As a man, again, it doesn’t bother me at all. She IS attractive, I ‘get it’, fair enough. Believe me, I would rather wait on attractive women than a man any day of the week, so no harm no foul. In fact, if bothering me is your goal, tell HER that I am much better looking than she is. Mission accomplished, NOW I am bothered and staying on the other end of the bar.

The only part that DOES bother me and even this is minimally, is the clear look on their faces that shows they think they are the very first ones to come up with this brilliant witty comment. This is sooooooo NOT the case.

In fact, the bar guy with the platform shoes, silk shirt, and bell bottom pants…..you know the one I am talking about? You know, the John Travolta, Saturday night fever wanna be?

The one that walks up to the nearest good looking woman and breaks out his patented “hey baby what’s your sign” pickup line? You know the one I am talking about now?

Well I just heard him tell miss Capricorn over there “quote , THAT dude needs to get some new material!!! UNQUOTE.

So anyways, that is how this encounter started. I go over to Christie ,inform her that the gentleman would rather she wait on him, and move on to the next 20 people waiting for drinks. The guy in question sticks around for most of the night. Eventually, things begin to slow down to the point of only a few regulars, and a few tables. He has tried everything apparently and Christie has refused politely over and over but the guy just won’t take a hint. Still, no harm no foul, even Christie is just dealing with it and understands being hit on is part of the bartending game especially for women. At some point though things began to change and I could see that ‘the line’ was on the verge of being crossed. Once the nice approach didn’t work he started to become a pain in the ass and even managed to make her uncomfortable. He wasn’t drunk so cutting him off was not yet an option. Therefore, I told her to just stay away from him and let me wait on him the rest of the night. This usually works, as even the thickest headed of people get the hint eventually.

The strategy didn't work very well with him. Now the invitations to join him back in his room were no longer discreet but getting yelled louder and louder across the bar. I tried to distract him with conversations of football, basketball etc but to no avail. I tried to tell him nicely to chill out with no luck. I even tried to tell him he was making an ass of himself and doing so was not going to help his already meager chances…..no dice. At one point he even told me to mind my own business. I went out to the front desk ,borrowed a blank room key card to a DNR(do not rent) room, and pulled Christie back to the server alley for a minute. “Did you call security?” Thomas, one of our regulars, asks me as we returned to the bar. “nah not yet, I can handle him, just be prepared to play along if I need yall.” Supplies in hand, I wait a little while, make another absolute and tonic and bring it over to set in front of him.

“Here you go sir, Absolute and tonic, no lime.”

"I told you i want HER to wait on me"

"Yes sir I know, but until you can start behaving again, you are stuck with me."

“I didn’t order another drink yet” he exclaims, “I am not paying for it either.”

“No problem sir, actually this drink was bought for you, I am just the messenger.”

The hope returns to his eyes, immediately he looks over at Christie. She is looking our way to see what I do and of course dumbass here totally misinterprets that. Hell the cartoon like thought bubble over his head is so clear the whole bar can see Christie dancing around naked in it as he thinks YES, my charm finally worked. I think he may have even winked in her direction.

“See mah boy?” he says, puffing out his chest, “persistence pays off. Sometimes they just like to play hard to get. And you said I had no chance with her.”

Ahhh perfect, Build him up,,,,,,,and now time to tear him down……

I plaster a confused look on my face and say “excuse me?,,,,,,Oh NO! I’m sorry this drink is not from Christie it is from someone else.”

“Who?”

I waive him closer as if ready to tell him the world’s biggest secret.

“They said not to tell you yet”

HOOK.....

He is now looking around the bar clearly trying to see who It may have been.

“don’t bother, they left a bit ago.”

“left?”

“Yes sir, but they tipped me quite well to buy you a drink after about 10 minutes, they also gave me this” waving a folded up beverage napkin just out of his reach.

“well let me have it.”

“Not yet, they left strict instructions” holding up a piece of paper, “not to give it to you for at least 30 minutes.”

LINE.....

“come on, they will never know”

“like I said, they tipped me quite well, sorry”

“30 minutes? How long ago was that?”

“probably about 20 I DID take the liberty of ordering you a cab I will give it to you when it gets here.”

“a cab? What the hell do I need a cab for? I am not going anywhere forget that!”

“you sure?” I ask, revealing the tip of the room key card out from the edge of the bevnap…

“is that a key? A room key?”

“yes sir,” I say holding it over the trash can, “but since you don’t want it,,,,,”

SINKER!!!!

“WAIT!” he almost screams and motions me over. Suddenly my crime of not having boobs is forgiven and i am his best friend.

“who was it?” he whispers, “what did she look like?”

“ I am not sure sir, it was left on the bar over there with the tip, so It must have been one of that group that was over there.”

I then go ahead and hand him the bevnap, watch as he opens it and reads in Christie’s writing

“Crazy horse bar, 10:30, Lady in red”

He looks up at me, “I don’t remember a lady in red”

“me either" i shrug, "but she is probably going to go back to her room and change, 30 minutes sounds like plenty of time to do that.”

“can you tell what room it is?”

“yes sir, I could if I had to, but even if i wanted to i couldn't tell you what room it is. Security reasons.”

“well how the hell am I supposed to find the room?”

“ummm” I say as if explaining to a dense 4 year old, “ I am pretty sure the idea is for you to go meet her there and then she will tell you?”

“Yeah,,,that does make sense,,,Where is this Crazy horse bar? How is it?”

“oh it is this huge place, actually 3 bars in one, should be rather packed tonight I would think.” Looking over at Thomas (the regular), I ask “Thomas, Crazy horse should be packed tonight right?” he looks over to me and for a moment I think oh shit, he is going to blow it….but then responds “oh yeah always packed on a Thursday night, ladies night I think.”

He calls me over yet again….and is rattling off questions like crazy. I am not sure if his hormones are on overload, or if he is nervous at having to back up all his talk.

“how do I know it is her?"
" What if she is a fat ugly chick?”
"red? does that mean shirt, shoes, purse what?"

“calm down" i say " there is only one way to find out, besides you are suave enough to handle it i am sure." shaking my head i continue, "I guess you were right, sometimes they DO like to play hard to get after all.”

“just look for the red i guess, and make sure sees the room key, you'll be alright. Besides, obviously she will know you.”

About this time his cab shows up, and off he goes. I have no idea how long he may have stayed at Crazyhorse that night browsing the crowd in search of the figment of my imagination. I do know that in my mind’s eye

I can see him passing by countless women wearing red.

I can see him darting his eyebrows in his coolest ‘hey baby’ gesture.

I can see him making sure they see his hotel key card.

I can see countless women recoiling in shock at his forwardness,,,,a hotel key hrrrrmpph!!! What a pig!

I can see his bar tab at the end of the night being $200 as he has drinks sent to every woman wearing red in all three of those bars.

I can even see a couple of those women’s boyfriends beating his ass for it.

And I can see “hey baby what’s your sign” guy having more success than him on that night.

So, if you happened to be wearing red in the Crazyhorse on that night so long ago, I here by offer my apologies to you. I am not sorry I did it, it needed to be done, but I am sorry I got you unwittingly involved. Wow , this post got long even for me, so I will shut up and get it posted. Hope you enjoy, and as always comments good and bad always welcome.


tags:drunks,redneck,bartender,waiter,jackass,
tags:Red sox,waitress,restaurant,humor