I don't do doctors

This post inspired by a recent trip to the ER.....

In life there is not much about it that you can consider a lock, a given, for sure. One thing I do feel pretty sure about is at some point I am going to hear the phrase "well BD, you have a fatal case of (enter name here). It will be at this point he will look at me,shake his head and say

"had you only come in 4 years ago when the symptoms started" that hangnail wouldn't have killed you but now? now you are in deep doo doo.

I just don't do Doctors that is all there is to it. There are a lot of reasons for this.

No, I am not scared of needles they don't bother me in the least.

First off, knock on wood, I am fortunate enough to very rarely get sick. In the last 8 years or so I have missed exactly one day of work for being sick and that was about 3 or 4 months ago. In my younger days I think I missed a total of 5 days of school due to sickness from grades 6 through 12. That is not to say I had perfect attendance all of those years(though a few I did). My mom had a rule, Stay home from school sick, plan to be sick ALL day.......none of this 'oh it is 4:30pm and I suddenly feel better can I go play outside shit'. I HATED being pent up in the house so even if I did feel under the weather, off to school I would go just so I wouldn't be stuck in the house missing all those precious daylight hours.

Secondly,

The few times I HAVE gone to the doctors turned out to be a collosal waste of time for the most part. NOTE: this of course excludes the 6 stitches in the front of my head, the 8 staples in the back left side of my head,(Mom? so why is it you were always telling me to quit horse playing anyways? I never did get that) or the broken wrist all of which clearly needed a Dr's attention.

And then there are things such as:

I am home on two week's leave from the army just before I am getting stationed in Germany. I had big plans.

Parties,

hanging out with friends.....

sleeping till noon......

mom's home cooking.......and the like.

As big as the things I planned to HAVE during this leave were, some of the things I WOULDN'T have were every bit as exciting to me at the time.

no powdered mess hall eggs or M.R.E.s(aka meals ready to eat aka: cardboard food)

no stupid son of a B*tch banging on a garbage can to wake me up at 3:30 am.

errrrrrr,,,, I mean I LIKE IT!
I LOVE IT!
I want more of it, drive on drill sergeant drive on! Hooooooah!

No running up hills.....
No running down hills......
No running around hills........
No police calls on hills........
No digging holes in hills.....
No filling holes in on hills.......

Being as I was back in Florida in fact, it is safe to say there would BE no hills bigger than my driveway.

you get the general Idea. So there I am at home, prepared to relax yayyyyy. Mom didn't let me down at all. There was more good food than I could have possibly imagined, life was good. Life was damned good.

12 pm or so: I am comfortably sleeping in my bed which....

won't have to be made so tightly you can bounce a quarter off of it.

has enough covers and pillows to get lost in.

my socks are NOT rolled up individually, OR lined up like perfect little soldiers. Instead they are laying on the floor where ALL young men's socks SHOULD be damnit!

So anyways 98% asleep I roll over and scratch an itch on my arm. Sensing something is wrong by the extra elbow that seems to be there I eventually wake up fully, turn on the light, and am shocked, stunned, horrified to see I am covered I mean COVERED in bumps.

We are not talking about mosquito bites here

Not talking mosquito bites on steroids either.

I am talking welts, BASEBALL sized welts, that I have apparently been scratching the hell out of in my sleep while thinking 'ahhh its an itch or a mosquito bite is all.'

I wind up going to the Emergency Room in the middle of the night.

Can someone please explain to me why oh WHY do they call this thing an Emergency room? After the recent visit and being told with a straight face "it will probably be 6 hours till someone sees you" I can think of several names that seem much more appropriate.

How about:

The "if you have a pulse you are in the wrong place" room.

The "hope you brought a book cause you are going to be here a while" room?

The "Emergency Schmergency" room?

The "hope you plan to WRITE a book cause planning to read a book isn't long enough" room?

The "Drivers license bureau ain't got shit on US" room?

The "we had to go through 33 years of school the least YOU can do is wait 12 hours" room?

The "your Doctor will be in to see you as soon as he graduates" room.

Any other suggestions? feel free to leave em in comments.


Anywhoooo, Eventually, I get in to see the doctor.

Dr: "Hi, Bd, what seems to be the problem?"

BD: (thinking how about I sneeze on you with this extra nose that seems to be growing out of my cheekbone and then you take three guesses)

DR: "Oh, I see." He takes a look at my various welts, "Have you had any new foods, shellfish or used any new detergents, colognes or anything like that recently?"

BD: "so it IS just some sort of allergic reaction?"

Dr: " Oh yes, no doubt about it a rather serious one apparently. Anything you can think of?"

BD: "Well, I did have some strawberry pop tarts this morning, which I have never had, about a pound and a half of boiled shrimp tonight, but I have had those lots of times, and a coconut dessert(which I hated by the way)."

Dr: "okay well it was probably one of those, here is what we are going to do. I am going to write you a prescription, from the size of them you will probably have to deal with it for about a week or so before they are entirely gone."

BD: "a week?"

Dr: "maybe not, but sorry to say it will likely be MORE than that."

BD: "that sucks! I am on leave for two weeks! You can't tell me what it was?"

Dr: "no, but after they go away try the things you suspect again and see if they cause the same reaction, then you will know what you need to avoid."

I make no claims whatsoever of being the smartest guy in the universe, but I DO pick up on some things rather quickly.

I am sure there must have been a time (though I was too young to remember) that I reached out, touched a hot stove and got burned. Even my two month old brain picked up on it pretty quickly.....

Problem:burning hand.

Probable cause: hot stove.

solution: don't touch hot stove again.

I suspect this Doc, would have said "hmmmm little bd, I think it was the stove, but wait till the swelling goes down, then go touch it again to make sure."


There was a time as a young lad when I thought it would be okay to go without underwear.

One unfortunate zip up,

One horrifying scream,

One embarrassing to this day enlistment of help from mom to dislodge,

followed by another horrified scream and my 7 or 8 year old brain picked up on that too pretty quickly.

Problem: weenie stuck

Probable cause: Going commando

Solution: Do like mom says, always wear clean underwear!

Would this doctor have said : "well BD, I think it was the zipper, but hey go zip it up in there a few more times,,,,,,,justttttt to be sure. And while you are at it, crack yourself in the nuts with this reflex hammer just for good measure, that will be $300"?



waiting 4 hours in the ER pissed me off.....

spending most of the next week pent up in the house pissed me off to say the least.....

The itching pissed me off

The doctor bill I eventually got pissed me off

But what pissed me off most even to this day was the advice.

33 years of schooling and THAT IS what you come up with? "Go home and after this absolute misery ends try the things you suspect again to see which one triggers it?"

Um in a word, "NO".

If "I think you may be allergic to your girlfriend but the only way to find out is to try again" was the case, I would be willing to heed such advice and risk it, welts be damned.

Note: let it never be said I am not willing to say the kinds of things that make women's hearts go all pitter patter.


"BD, you seem to be allergic to football, but the only way to know for sure is to try it again and see." If this were the advice, I would possibly risk it.....



But for strawberry poptarts? and coconut?

Um in two words, "HELL NO!"

How about this advice instead?

Please follow these instructions closely......

1)make list of suspected foods, items etc;

2)avoid them

thats it.........nothing more nothing less needs to be done.


However,........................


In case you are looking For that 'real doctor visit feel' you may try the following

3) spend 7 hours sitting in your living room, reading 12 year old magazines, and watching the worst television shows you can find.

4)Have a different neighbor pop in once every hour or so, spend a minute looking at you and tell you that someone else will be with you shortly.

5)send yourself a bill for $482.

Advice from a High School(not even a very good one) graduate:

Let us review.

1)make list of suspected items

2) avoid them

tada!

(enter voice over here) Please note that no Doctors were hurt during this post. Also note: While I am NOT a Doctor, I DO occasionally play one in my blog.


BD