Monday, June 12, 2006

age old arguments

Age old argument

Today I want to talk about one of life’s biggest arguments. Something that I know us men and you women will never ever agree on. Who knows maybe I am just looking for trouble but I am going to go there anyways. Yes yes, you can put your hand on your hip, shake your head back and forth and waggle your finger back and forth(in your best Jerry springer show impression) allll you want but yes I did,,,,,,I DID just “go there”. Maybe I just re-read my last post where I admitted to ‘reading directions’ and am afraid of the local P.R.U(Penis Repossession Unit) showing up at my door and am hoping this will even things out a bit.

Anywaysss,,,,, Something I will never ever understand is how is it MY fault (or your husbands,boyfriends,brothers )that if you go to the bathroom, don’t check to make sure the seat is down and sit to the point of getting your butt wet… oh how someone please tell me how that is MY fault? Don’t get me completely wrong. I get that it could be annoying. Putting myself in your shoes(or more specifically your butt) I can see how it would suck. I can see how it would be embarrassing, disgusting and all of that. However, for the LIFE of me I will never understand how it is my fault. If I leave the seat up and the dog goes and drinks out of the bowl….okay THAT is my fault because the dog isn’t SUPPOSED to be smart enough to know better!

-If I/we leave the seat up and a child goes in there to play in the toilet, by all means guilty your honor, that is MY fault because the child doesn’t KNOW better.

However, you are NOT a dog or a child that doesn’t know better, I am sorry but I respectfully submit that you have NOONE else to blame but yourself!

By the same token,,,,if EYE go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and while doing so take advantage of one of the few advantages of being male(the ability to pee standing up) and as I am doing so I realize ohhhh HELL I am splashing all over hell's creation and peeing on my feet because someone ELSE left the seat down,,,,,guess what? I have NOONE to blame but myself! It is not YOUR fault for leaving the seat down is it? Does that somehow make you ‘insensitive’ for leaving it down instead of in the position most suited for me? My answer to these questions is NO. It is not your fault I just pee’d on my feet. It is MY FAULT because EYE failed to check ahead of time. NO you were NOT being insensitive to my needs by leaving the seat down. EYE just made the mistake and am now paying the price for said mistake. Mental note: From now on make sure the seat is up…….done,,,,, Much like the unforgettable "hey let's go WITHOUT underwear today" idea of my youth which was followed soon after by what was termed even at the young age of 4 or 5 as "the farkin ZIPPER incident" I can say with a certain amount of certainty I will never make that mistake again!!!!

That being the case,, WHY OH WHY am I suddenly an insensitive bastard for not considering you by leaving the seat down to ensure you don’t fall in?

At thirty seven I have no idea how many times in my life I have gone to the bathroom sitting down. Just for the sake of argument though I am going to say once a week for my entire life. That is 1924 times MINIMUM!!!!! I don’t think that I have EVER managed to fall in. IF I ever did, it must have been when I was too young to remember. That being the case I obviously figured out ‘hmmmm check to make sure the seat is down or your butt is going to get wet’. Likewise , I at a very young age I am sure I touched a hot stove and quickly figured out that was not a very good idea.

All that being said, before you get up a group to come and hang me, shoot me, or make me go shopping and watch oprah, I will say this. I DO try to put the seat down, just to be nice or avoid trouble or whatever. However, I will NEVER understand why doing so is MY responsibility. Why doesn’t that work both ways? If it is OUR responsibility to make sure the toilet seat is in the optimum position for your next visit to the bathroom then shouldn’t it likewise be YOUR responsibility to afford US the same courtesy?

If I am driving down the road and make a sharp quick turn and tumble out of the car because I forgot to close my door who’s fault is that? Answer MINE!

If I ever go parachuting again, and realize half way to the ground ohhh shit I don’t have a parachute on,,,,,,Who’s fault is that? Answer,,,,,MINE! Nottttt the guy sitting next to me who should have (by the woman’s way of thinking) made sure I had a parachute on. Should this ever happen by all means you have my permission to laugh at me when I bounce. You even have my permission to stand over my wrecked, twisted body and say in as loud a voice possible "see? thats Karma's way of telling you to put the seat down!"

If I go to walk out of the house and BLAM! I walk straight into the door….Who’s fault is that? Is that MY fault for not opening the door first or YOUR fault for not leaving it open for me when you clearly left before I did? Answer……MINE.

if you make dinner and I take a huge bite, scolding the inside of my mouth……Is it My fault for not blowing on the food to cool it off or YOURS for not doing it for me? Answer…..MINE!

Are we noticing a pattern here yet?

Before someone sends me a ‘well the seat should be down because that way you cant see the inside of the toilet’ comment let me go ahead and refute that ahead of time.

It is a bowl,,,,,,,

with water in it……..

everyone has one……..

If it has recently been used and the toilet wont flush, then by all means you are right the seat belongs in the down position…..

Other than that, if it looks soooooo bad that your worried about it being seen guess what? IT NEEDS CLEANING! By all means let me know that and EYE will be glad to do it, but what I won’t be glad to do is agree that it belongs in one position or the other…...

I am not kidding myself. I know that I will never win this argument. However, I also know that on behalf of all my fellow ‘stand up and pee’ers’ I will never admit defeat either.


heather said...

it's been a good day so far, i found your blog through the barmaid blog, who led to cardiac er, who led to you. i am reading your past posts and have got to tell you you're hilarious. my husband and i have gone round and round on this one and as a 'sitter' i firmly believe that if you lift 1, you put down 1. if you lift 2, you put down 2. with me it's not about getting wet, it's about keeping the bathroom as neat as possible. an open seat just doesn't look good, i don't care how clean it is.

briliantdonkey said...

Hi Heather,

Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I am glad you are enjoying the posts and hope you will come back. After clicking 'publish comment', it took me a while to surf back and find What old post it was a comment for. Since I never know where the P.R.U may be hiding I can NOT admit to being able to see the 'it just looks better' side of the argument. This message will self destruct in three, two, one.


Michael Thomas said...

This is SO easy. I pick it up when you leave it down. You can put it down when I pick it up. As for the seat cover, See the Messages from Mars post.