Open mouth insert foot

Open mouth, insert foot…..

So I am at work a couple of weeks ago. I tend to work the morning/lunch shift which means setting up the whole restaurant. Brewing tea, coffee, cutting lemons, setting tables and all kinds of other meaningless stuff like that. During the shift things are starting to get fairly busy. Busboys are running back and forth clearing tables. Hostesses are seating people as fast as they can come in the door. The cooks are in the kitchen flipping burgers, steaks, Salmon and the like. Servers including myself are running back and forth filling tea, taking orders, making change etc; yep its just another day at what I refer to as Hellay(aka Hell “A” aka my morning job). Anyhow things begin to slow down some to where we can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. Eduardo probably our best cook in the kitchen, comes out from behind the line to get himself a drink. A new girl has started working in the kitchen. She walks by us and I say in a remarkably good impression of him “Si or No?”

(A little background)
I have been working there for almost 3 years and Eduardo who is our best cook was working there long before I started. He and I generally joke around in one way or another and get along pretty dog gone well. On any given day it is not uncommon at all for him to walk up to me(and others as well) and pointing to this waitress or that one will say simply “Si or No?” This is his way of asking (and I will be much more politically correct then he intends it when he says it) “would you be interested in getting to know that young woman there?” He doesn’t discriminate mind you, he asks it about not only the ‘hot girls’ but the ‘not so hot and even border line repulsive” ones as well at varying times. Generally speaking I hear him in these discussions and ignore it usually with a roll of the eyes, a shake of the head, and just walk away. Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means a saint, but I guess I have matured a bit in my old age and (with some exceptions) don’t think of women like that. Or at the very least If I do I try to have a bit more couth about it..

So anyways that day for some reason ,either the pig in me was making one of it's rare appearences or more likely i was angry at the entire species of creatures known as women at the time (neither of which makes it excusable by any means) . Anywhooo as the new girl walks by us in the kitchen I look at Eduardo and say (like I said in a rather good impression of him) “Si or No?” Now, mind you I speak a little bit of Spanish but am not by any stretch of the imagination fluent at all. However, any red blooded American male worth his salt who has learned some Spanish(or any language for that matter) probably learned how to say a few of the curse words. That is just the way it is right? So I am sitting there expecting him to say “oh si’ or “hell yeah” or something to that effect. Instead his entire demeanor changed. It was like watching the Mexican exorcist or something. He started rattling off stuff in Spanish at 200 miles and hour. I heard Pendayho, and maticon and punto and various other words that I knew were cuss words even if I don’t know how to spell them. As Eduardo stormed away, went back behind the cook’s line and returned to his work, I thought okay what the hell was that? I had no idea what he was saying which word meant what exactly or why, but thought man he reallllly does NOT like her at all!

I have never seen Eduardo mad before that I can recall, so I started thinking maybe this is his ex-girlfriend or something like that. Oh well I thought, and went back to working the shift and life went on as normal for the most part. As the shift ended I am sitting in the office, counting out the money that I owe the house and preparing to check out for the day. Terry the manager on duty comes in the office to take my money and makes a comment that something has got Eduardo pissed off and he wonders what the hell that is all about. I thought I had some idea about it and started to tell him when just then the new girl walks into the office to get ready to leave herself and look at the schedule. Seeing her, I pretty much bit my lip and went about checking out. Terry turns around and seeing her says “oh hey Maria, you getting used to the place? Anything you need help with don’t be afraid to ask.” He goes on to say, ‘have yall met? This is Rob, Rob this is Maria , Eduardo's Wife she will be working with us for a while.” In the words of homer simpson, DOH! Which I believe is Spanish for “ohhhh shit!”

Fixed?

Fixed?


Random thought for the day: don’t forget to spay or neuter your pets, Bob barker from the price is right as urged people to do this for years. As an animal lover I agree with the whole concept but my question is this. When you take your dog for instance in to get spayed or neutered (I can never remember which is which), why oh WHY do we say ‘yep I’m taking scruffy in to get fixed”?
Let’s view this quickly through the day in the life of scruffy. Scruffy wakes up one morning ….. He greets his owner yawns, makes a quick trip to the water bowl…..Lays around the house for a bit……Thinks, hmmmm maybe I had a bit too much of that water looks over at his owner with a “ummm you better let me out’ look…… Heads outside, rolls around in some leaves,,,,greets his favorite tree by hiking his leg, ahhhhh MUCH better!,,,,, tries to say hello to the cat who ignores and avoids him as always,,,,, that’s okay I didn’t like you ANYWAYS you stuck up bitch!”….comes back inside ”,,,,lays around the house some more….

Strolling around the house spots his favorite pillow laying there on the floor….

Turns on the charm full blast and says in his most masculine doggy voice,,,, “hey baby,,,,,whats YOUR sign” …. “you know…. you are looking particularly fine today’,,,,, ,,,,notices the pillow didn’t run away like the cat…..mistaking this for intrest he mounts it and begins humping when he realizes,,,,, wait,,,,,something,,,,, something just isn’t quite right here…… adjusts his position and begins going to town yet again. What the hell???? ……runs to the bathroom to check himself in the mirror….cusses because he cant reach it …..then realizing wait “I DON’T NEED NO STINKIN MIRROR!” Heads back into the living room glancing at his owner as he passes,,,, gloats ‘you got opposable thumbs but I can LICK mysef so hah!” ……Lays down and begins to check out the merchandise…… “ARRRRRRRRGH!!!!!”….

Now I ask you ,,,,,is scruffy saying “oh okay I got fixed?” ORRRRR is he screaming “oh shit, I got BROKEN!!!!”

Is he thinking “dear sweet owner of mine thank you for getting me fixed’ orrrrrr is he thinking “ You bastard, wait till I poop in your slippers!”

Is he thinking “I loveeeee the price is right’ orrrrrrrr “SCREW YOU BOB BARKER!”


Fixed? I think not!

D.G.T.P.T.S.

D.G.T.P.T.S.

Tonight we had a fairly small banquet of 90 people from a church here in Jacksonville. It was pretty much same ole same ole. As the party was starting to arrive and people coming in a few at a time, I was going around table to table offering coffee, water, and sweet or unsweet tea to anyone that wanted it. The slow filtering in of people went on and on for a good 20 minutes or so. Naturally as luck would have it, anytime I was walking around with two coffee pots in my hand someone would ask
‘Can I please get some tea?’ Sure, sir I will be right back with that.”

Then when I am carrying two pitchers of tea and one of water around the room you can bet sure as shit someone will ask ‘could I get some coffee please?” Damnit I just came by your table lady WITH coffee in hand two minutes ago and you declined. This is what I am thinking but of course I reply with ‘sure give me just a minute and I will gladly get that for you.”
Like I said this goes on and on for like 25 minutes or so. Everyone for the most part has now arrived and is seated. Dinner will be served in about 5 minutes so I am trying to make one more pass around the room with drinks to get that out of the way.
“Hey” I hear from behind me ‘hey you’ …I ignore the ‘nails on a chalkboard’ sound I hear and think “digipits BD digipits’…… I turn around to find a rather large woman has now joined her husband, another couple, and what appears to be their daughter at the table who have been sitting there for a while. I have nothing against large people. I have nothing whatsoever against ugly people. I DO however, have something against RUDE people, no matter what they look like.

“Yes ma’am what can I do for you” I ask in the most polite voice I can muster.

Rather snootily she replies “how many times are you going to keep skipping this table we would like something to drink TOO you know.”

For a moment I have a fear that I have indeed somehow MISSED an entire table that has been sitting there for a while. For a moment, I am embarrassed. Waiting tables isn’t by any stretch of the imagination a glorious job but it is MY job and for what it is worth I take pride in it. I am not proud OF it by any means, but I do take pride in doing it if that makes any sense. One quick look at the table erases these fears and I am easily able to deduce that Jaba the hut here has just joined the table, is having a bad day and looking to take it out on me. Digipits rob, digipits…..

“I’m sorry ma’am what can I get for you?”

“Like I said, something to drink would be nice eventually” she snaps.

I have always had a rather active imagination and in a matter of milliseconds I am transformed into a court room where I am no longer the waiter. I am certainly no longer ‘hey’ or ‘hey you’, peon extraordinaire. Instead I am Perry mason no no scratch that Perry is old news, I am Jackie the lawyer from Seinfeld arguing the case in front of a judge.

“Miss Jaba, is it your contention that you and your companions have been the victims of negligent service?”

‘Yes, yes I am and it has scarred me for life’

“I see, what if I told you that I could prove to this court incontrovertibly, indisputably and undoubtedly that this is not the case?”

“I would say good luck Mr. Childs good luck.”


“Thank you, Miss jaba could you please tell the court how many people are currently sitting at your table?”

“Ummmm four”

“Four? ,,,I see 5 but it appears your math skills are lacking as badly as your social skills?”

‘um yes you are right there are 5, sorry about that.”

“No problem, simple mistake, now Miss Jaba How many glasses of tea do you see on the table?’

“Three”

‘uh huh, I see, and how many cups of coffee?”

“There are 3 of those as well”

“And that fine young lady over there is that a glass of sprite I see in front of her?”

“ummm yes, I believe that it is.”

“Okay, so is it fair to say that the other 4 people at your table all have something to drink already?”

“Um yes”

“And yet you maintain that this table has been skipped repeatedly?”

“Well I don’t have anything to drink besides water.”

“This is true, thank you for pointing that out, Ma’am would you say that that tea, water and even sprite jumped into those glasses on its own?”

“No, of course not, don’t be silly”

“And yet, you maintain that your table has been ignored?”

“Isn’t it a fact ma’am that rather than being the victim of negligent service you in fact just recently arrived at your seat and THAT is why you don’t have anything to drink yet?” I remind you your ARE UNDER OATH!”

“No further questions your honor”

“Case dismissed!”

All of this is what I was thinking in just a matter of moments. Wanting to defend myself, and ask her what her problem was. Naturally I couldn’t so I just smiled and continued pouring her tea for her. Digipits BD, digipits….. I was shaken out of my imagination when to my surprise her husband stated the obvious with just the perfect amount of ‘quit being a bitch’ in his voice for me “he’s been to the table several times you weren’t here yet or were on your phone”. Touché’ my friend touché’ and thank you. Mental note: keep THIS guys glass full all night…..


To her credit, the lady in question, pulled me aside a little while later and apologized for being a bitch. Never argue with your guests BD, never. “Well that’s alright I say, but thanks for the apology which is graciously accepted, can I help you carry that plate to the table?” Thus for the rest of the night Jaba the hut was turned back into a lady. I guess we all have a little Jaba in us at some point in our lives. It takes a big man or woman to admit when they are wrong and the fact she would do so was appreciated and admired in fact.

A little bit about me

                                       A little about me

Okay, so I guess the natural starting point for this thing is to tell a little bit about myself.
That way, eventually when my readership balloons to two (coming soon around February 2019) they will know at least a bit about me.
First things first, I am my VERY least favorite subject so don’t be shocked if I don’t reveal a whole lot about me directly. I suppose a lot more about me will come out in my posts though. Anyways, here come the boring details:

I am a 37 year old single male living in Florida. No I am NOT gay, and as far as I know, no there is not ‘something wrong with me’ lol. It just hasn’t happened yet is all. At least I hope that is all it is lol. I am a pretty firm believer that when it is meant to be it will be so I guess so far it just isn’t meant to happen.

Right now I work as a professional PEON, and if I do say so myself I am VERY good at it! Seriously, I am a waiter by day and a bartender by night. Like I said, professional peon. It never ceases to amaze me how utterly different people are. Being in the business that I am in I get to see that first hand and meet a lot of great people, some of whom end up being the subjects of my musings,thoughts etc;

     I live alone with my dog Kash who is a beautiful Norwegian elkhound. Think black and grey German Sheppard, and then make her much shorter, stockier, and much much lazier. While I have no kids of my own she is as close to one as I have right now.

     My hobbies include writing, playing spades, poker,and just being silly most of the time. I believe that ‘laughter is the best medicine’. I prefer it when people laugh WITH me, but failing that I am all for people laughing AT me as well.

     I love sports and as such am a diehard Boston Redsox fan, and Jacksonville Jaguar season ticket holder. Okay that is more than enough about me for now. Like I said before, I am my least favorite subject so I will stop boring you and get this posted.

my first real blog post

If you are reading this , then welcome to my blog. I am not sure what(if anything) will come of this but it is something that has been suggested for me to look into. For some reason, Christine, a very VERY dear friend of mine seems to like my writing. If you like it give her the credit, if not then blame me. Anyways, I am only a couple of minutes in and I get the feeling this could become addicting.

This is my very first post(not counting the test test one) and I can't help sitting here thinking that I have just found a new way of talking to myself for all intents and purposes. As a 37 year old male I cant help laugh at the way things have gone. I have always been one to talk to myself .......One way or another damnit I HAD to find someone that agrees with me at least SOMETIMES!

I can remember a time as a young boy in the late 70's/early 80's when I would catch myself talking to myself and think to some degree that man I was looooony .

There have been numerous times when i am just chatting away with myself in the car driving down the road or stopped at a red light and look over to see someone in the next car staring directly at me. Obviously enough, I invariably, and immediately begin to act like i was singing not talking.

Then around the late 80's early 90's I revised my thinking because people (or maybe it wasn't REALLY people but just me) said: "it is okay to talk to yourself as long as you don't answer".

With the new millennium I once again revised my thinking and joked......Okay BD, it is okay to talk to yourself,,,,hell you can even ANSWER yourself,,,,but if you ever start to interrupt yourself Promise me/us that you will order the fancy white jacket with the buckles in the back yourself!

Fast forward to today(January 5th 2006) and fortunately I still don't interrupt myself (well okay not often at least)but here I am as I type this and I can't help laughing and thinking,,,,'yep I have found a new way to talk to myself. Technology continues to amaze and I guess being able to not only talk to myself, not only answer myself, not even only be able to interrupt myself but to be able to Talk to myself and do so while typing!!!!!! Wow,,,,i guess that has to be labeled as 'progress' LOL......

So, if you happen to pull up beside a grey mustang in Jacksonville florida, and the male occupant is talking to himself judge him not. I am errrrrrr He(HE) is singing damnit!

Speaking of progress I have decided to change the name of my blog from Brilliantdonkey to BriliantDonkey with only one L. Sorry, but irony, along with comedy, puns and the like are some of my very favorite things. Therefore,the irony of misspelling the word brilliant is just too much to be able to pass up. That is about it for now. It is 3 am and if i don't get to bed soon i will have to change the name yet again to something like 'ohshitimgonna hate myself in the morning' blog.Till next time if there is a next time, take it easy,

BD

test of new blog set up,,,,i soooo dont know what i am doing......is anyone reading this? Captains log stardate Jan 06 236 am ,,,,,