Congratulations Steve Dublanica???

Or should I say "waiter".

For those who may be interested and haven't heard, 'waiter' from waiterrant took off the mask today. His book "Waiter rant: Thanks for the tip---confessions of a cynical waiter" is being released today. As such he has given up his anonymity.

Sure it's not like finding out who zoro really is....

It's not quite like having the mask removed and seeing Bruce wayne underneath......

or a masked wrestler having his identity finally revealed......

but for the countless readers of waiterrant over the years, including myself, it had to be at the very least a curiousity. His blog is among the first that I became a loyal reader of and one of half a dozen or so that I still read consistently to this day even though my blogging, and blog reading is much much less now than it used to be.

Rarely does he put up a new story or post that doesn't result in several people,including myself commenting that 'he should write a book'. With that being the case it is grrrrreat to see that he listened and now all his hard work has paid off in the form of getting published.

Steve????

Thats a little bit hard to say after all this time. Walter, or Martin would have been my guess though I have NO idea why.


Ohhhhh,,,,,and I thought you would be older, or taller, or something.


Congrats again!

BD

have you seen this story?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080621/ap_on_re_us/pregnancy_pact


There isn't a lot in this world that shocks me anymore but this one I have to say did so. Wow is all I can say. These girls are in for quite the rude awakening imho.

BD

For those who have asked

First of all , I would like to offer my thanks to those who have occasionally popped in to the blog, or at times through email and asked some version of "are you okay" or something to that effect. I am pretty sure that I answered all those emails, but just in case one fell through the cracks, I do appreciate the concern. That said, there is really nothing to be concerned about. I am doing just fine. Thankfully, there hasn't been any kind of illness or life altering event that has prevented me from writing or anything like that. I guess I can best splain it by saying that whatever bug bit me a few years ago and made me start this thing, post regularly, and do other writing on the side quit biting for a good while.' I suppose some people would describe this as 'writers block' but I never have believed in that and probably never will. Anywhoo, thanks again for the concern but there really isn't anything to be concerned about. I am fine.

Am i doing 'Just normal' ? ummmm NO not on your life, but let's face it, I haven't been much of 'normal' since I was like 3 and this very odd, very dry, very dorky sense of humor of mine started to kick in.

Does this mean I will start posting again on a regular basis? Who knows? I don't like to make promises that I don't fully intend to keep so I will stop wayyyyyyy short of saying anything close to that effect. I DO feel like i am starting to 'get into' the whole writing thing again if very slooooowly at times, so who knows.

Again, thanks again for your concern, and more than that my apologies for anyone who may have been worried about me for one reason or another. Most of the comments were quite humbling, and all of them were and are appreciated.

BD

recently overheard

Server: "Are you about ready to order or do you need a few minutes?"

Guest: "I think I am ready."

Server: (pulling out her handy dandy order pad)"Okay I am ready when you are"

Guest: "I think I will have the chicken dinner."

Server: "Ma'am would you like the three piece chicken dinner or the 5 piece?"

Guest: "What's the difference?"

Server: (looking confused) " Ummmm.......two pieces"

Fortunately she stopped just short of saying "duh"


BD

happy

Happy D.A.C. everyone!

The real holiday is finally here.

Call me a scrooge if you must, perhaps it is true.

Accuse me of not being in 'the spirit' if you like, we shall agree to disagree.

Now life can go back to normal for a year at least.

No more waiting in line for 15 minutes every time I run into the store.

No more thinking, 'Man I can't afford to get them something' moments

No more, "I give up i have no idea what to get them" moments.

No more ' damn they got me something' moments.

No more ' Thats who I forgot!" V8 moments

No more, "Aw man I got them something and they didn't get me anything, I hope they dont feel bad cause they reallllllly shouldn't" moments.

No more, "Don't I feel like an ass for not getting them anything' moments.

No more songs about reindeer and how shiny and red their nose is.

No more songs about poor defenseless grand mothers getting run over by reindeer(who were probably too busy looking at their nose and wondering what the big deal is.

I don't know who the hell Jack frost is, but if he ever comes nipping at my nose there may be a problem.

What is it about christmas and noses anyways?


Yes my friends, the reall holiday is here. The day after christmas.

Hope everyone has a great one!

All joking aside, I hope everyone had a merry and safe christmas and a super happy new years.


BD

Where is all the fun?

Is it really almost December already? I was walking around walmart shortly after halloween and heard my first Christmas song playing over the loud speaker. Call me a grinch, but I beleive I said out loud something along the lines of "what the F@#@!"


It is hard to believe that thanksgiving is this week, Christmas is just around the corner, and before you know it it will be freaking 2008? REally? Already?

Wasn't it just yesterday we were all hearing about that big Y2k scare?

Computers are going to crash.

Medical equipment will just stop working.

Bank computers will screw everything up and all our money will dissappear.

Gas station computers will mess up and Gas will go for $3 a gallon!

Whew! glad none of THAT happened!

They say time flies when you are having fun. I guess I must be having a blast, but dont seem to recall a hell of a lot of fun occuring.

Speaking of christmas how would you like to get one of THESE?

























I don't know what the official name of these things are. hairless sphinx cat I think?

Wow, do people really own these things? Not to say thats one ugly mo-fo, but I think every pekignese dog around the world, yoda, and ET just started feeling much better about themselves.


-I don't know why people tell me stuff. I used to think it was because I was a bartender and 'people just tell their bartenders anything'. However I haven't worked behind a bar in well over a year but people still feel this need to share things with me that make me want to cut my ears off with a dull butter knife.


Hope you all have a great turkey day, even if you are one of the 48 billion customers that come through our doors on Thanksgiving day.

Jason is at it again

For those of you who may be interested, Jason over at The clarity of night is holding another contest. You can click the link above or in my sidebar for all of the details. However the short version of it is you are to write a story of 250 words or less based on the above picture. He has held a number of these contests in the past(6 I think), and I have taken part in 3 or 4 myself. Besides the creative process, it is always quite interesting to see the many different directions people can get from the same picture. I cant count how many of my favorite blogs have been found as a direct result of participating in these things. So, if you have any interest in writing, getting some feedback or even just reading some good stories head on over and take part. I highly recommend it.

Take it easy,

BD

ramblings

Safe to say I haven't been too active in the blog world as of late. Nothing major to post about now either but a few things that have gone through my mind lately.


-Daylight savings time: I have probably posted on this before but oh well. Can someone please splain to me the usefulness of this? Want to make this useful? Do it twice a week. Friday at 4pm boom, spring forward to 5 and you get to go home. Monday mornings at 6 am ? fall back an hour and get an extra hour of sleep. Current system pointless. My system? Very useful!


-If you weigh 400 pounds and fail to fit into a booth it is NOT because the booths are unusually small.

-Why is it if you have a restaurant with 10 open and clean tables people will come in and invariably sit at the dirty one? wtf?

-The spandex you are wearing however, ARE unusually small.

-Speaking of Spandex,,,,,,umm soooooo NOT for everyone!

-Whoever thought up the idea for these tostitos scoops is a genius! LOVE the idea of these things. For dipping, for nachos, they are the BOMB! Now can we just make some with flavor?
Add some nacho cheese or something puuuuuhleaseeeeeee!

-"Paper" does NOT qualify as a flavor

-I always find it funny though at times disturbing to see how people find their way to my blog.

For instance some of the odd things people have put in search engines lately to find their way here.

"donkey sex with ladies" (or various versions of such)yeahhhh I dont know what you were looking for(okay yes I do, but Im trying to keep the mental image out of my mind). Anyways, there will be none of that here move along.

"whispered zip up your pants".....I have no clue where that came from but maybe I wrote that somewhere.

"mother in law peeked at my penis".......well if your mother in law DOES peek at your penis she probably WILL tell you to zip up your pants.

Funny of the day

Or considering my posting rate as of late perhaps "funny of the month" would be better. Anywhooooo, found this on one of the sites I visit.

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story,of a couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to go on in and shop while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection,she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the car. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public one's. Unable to stand the embarrassment,she stepped forward quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.On regaining to her feet, she looked up and found her husband staring at her. The mechanic however had to have three stitches in his forehead. So this story means always wear underwear or something like this could happen to you.


Damnit, mom was right again! Always wear clean underwear.

Unless you are a mechanic I guess, then wear a helmet.

BD

Goldilocks

It has been a rather odd few weeks as of late. I told you the story of getting pulled over for driving too slow. It is safe to say that I haven't heard the end of it since then, and truth be told Nor should I. Fast forward a few weeks.....

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: "I wasn't driving too slow was I?"

Officer: (enter combination weird/ ' Oh so you think you are a smartass' look here),,,,," Could I see your license?"

Me: "Sure."

Brain: "Don't you DARE volunteer your registration!"

Officer: "and your registration?"

Brain: shit

Me: "here you go"

Officer: "Mr. Donkey, do you know how fast you were going?"

Me: "(exhaling),,,,Just tell me I wasn't driving too slow."

Officer: "No sir, you were doing 72 in a 55."

Me: "phewwwwww!"

Officer: " You are happy about it? Is this a joke to you?"

Me: "Oh, no sir! It's just that I got pulled over for driving too slow not long ago. I have been catching hell for it ever since. If I did THAT again, I am sure my car would disown me and I may lose my man card."

Officer: "For driving too slow? (enter laugh here) Nice car by the way."

Brain: Sweet, we may just talk our way out of this.

Officer: "I will be right back."

Brain: Or not

Too slow,,,,,,too fast......Now I just have to figure out what speed is just right.

If dogs could talk

Sometimes it is hard to get what your pet is trying to tell you. With practice though, it is kind of funny how you can pick up on how certain body language means 'pet me' or "hey your home nice to see you!" It can range from "when you get the chance I kind of have to tinkle"(I am not sure why I imagine Kash to have a british accent when I get that look but I do).

It can be as simple as "I have to go".

or as urgent as "no no, don't finish reading that paragraph and then let me out I HAVE TO GO RIGHT FREAKING NOW!"

It can be as polite as "excuse me, but did you happen to notice my water dish is getting low" to "hey dipshit if you don't refill it soon I am going to drink out of the toilet JUST so I can pee on the floor!" It is kind of odd how over time you can pick up on this sort of thing.

I often wonder if they are only in my mind. However I am pretty sure Kash and I just had the following interaction.


Kash: "hey your home, cool! and No, I DON'T have to think about it to make my tail wag like this, it just happens. How many times we going to have this talk?"

Me: "hey girl, you gotta go outside"

Kash: "sure, but no rush, ,,,,,take your time, get undressed, youve had a long day."

10 minutes later she returns and is back to her lazy calmed down self.

me: "you hungry?" She usually answers to "kash" but always ALWAYS answers to 'you hungry' or "do you want this?"I wonder if she thinks THAT is her name?

Kash(perk),,,,,,(tail now wagging the dog) She follows closely behind me as I go in the other room with her dish.

She watches closely, trying to play it cool but clearly barely able to contain herself as I set the dish down in front of her, then looks up at me again.

Kash: "Whats this shit?"

Me: 'what? food"

Kash: "this isn't food, it's kibble!"

Me: "It's dog food"

Kash: "dude, where have you been all day.

Me: "work of course"

Kash: "and you work where?"

Me: "at a restaurant, you know that."

Kash: "and what do you have at that restaurant?

Me: "The usual, steak, potatoes, stuff like that."

Kash: "Eggs? Ribs? Pork chops?"

Me: "ummm yeah, and?"

Kash: "sell a lot of kibble at that restaurant do ya?"

Me: "lol, no"

Kash: "bingo!"

An open letter

Just something I found in my email box. Oldie but goodie.


To whom it may concern

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet
towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my
every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore
because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt. Who
requested it.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a
wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat
when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God"
on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since
I can now cough myself back to life instead of wasting time calling
911.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it bites me in the ass.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney
has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how
to fix everything.

Another thank you for sending pictures and videos
that take 5-20 minutes to download. Yes, occasionally they are
cute, however*.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there
by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this message to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a
lawyer.

Have a wonderful day, and you are welcome !!

blackmail

I was able to ignore it for a while.

When I bought my first package of Just for men beard coloring, I said, nah I am not getting old. I am getting vain. That's all. No big deal.

When people started saying ' sir' to me: I let it go.

Or calling me "Mr."...........No big deal, it is just a sign of respect is all.

But I guess all good things come to an end. Today on my way to work, I got pulled over. The follwing is based on that event. Most of it is real, some of it was just in my head as I was thinking 'yep THIS is going in the blog".

Brain: Be cool, no big deal.

Officer: "how you doing today sir?"

Brain: "he called you sir, nope you are not getting old, sign of respect. hehe"

me: "fine how are you today sir?"

Officer: "Could I see your license please sir."

Me:(handing it over) "do you need my registration and insurance too?"

Brain: Good idea, just give him EVERYTHING he needs to write you a ticket right away! Hell why not just volunteer for some finger prints while you are at it!

Me: "Shut up!"

Officer: "Excuse me?"

Me: (coughing did I say that out loud?) "ummm nothing, I was just singing."

Officer: "Are you aware of the speed limit around here."

Me: "I wasn't sure exactly what it was in this area , but I figured it was 55 or so."

Officer: "It's 65."

Me: (looking shocked) "I was going over 65?????"

Brain: No fucking way you were going over 65! This bastard is going to try to write you a ticket for something you didn't do that is bullshit! He is looking to make a quota! Oh we gotta fight this! See? I told you Defending the doughnut munchers was a bad idea!

Officer: "you were doing 50"

me: (giving in to the trouble making side of my brain), " I don't think"(planning to say there is ANY bleeping way I was going that fast officer, NO damned way),,,,,,,

"wait, did you say 50?"

officer: "yes sir, I pulled you over because you were impeding the normal flow of traffic."

Brain: Dudeeeee, you got pulled over for driving too slow!,,,,,bwwwahhhhhahhhh! Wait'll I tell ..

Me: You can't tell ANYONE!

Brain: Like hell I can't! Unlesss....

Me: Unless what?

Brain: Well, we brains need things to survive, It is important to feed us daily to allow us to grow and be functional in the worl....

Me: Just get to it already you long winded bastard! What do you want?

Brain: I want porn!

Officer: "Here you go, I am not going to write you a ticket, but pay more attention to the flow of traffic okay? Have a great day."

Me: See? I didn't even get a ticket. And no you are not getting porn.

Brain: okay, but wait'll I tell the blogworld, wait'll I tell the real world! Course in my version your blinker will have been on for 45 miles...bwaaaa haaaaa haaaaa

Me: Go ahead and TELL the blogworld! I have two readers, big deal!

Brain: Yes, but when they tell two friends and THEY tell two friends and .....


And THAT future girlfriend who may discover long forgotten about porn stashed some where in my house is the ONLY reason it was there! Scout's honor!


BD

Blog talk

One of my recent blog finds, Turnbaby of 'And as the world turns' (blog) and Turnbaby talks(Blog talk radio show) has been talking a lot about the urban dictionary and how funny it is. I finally managed to check it out for myself and have to agree. My dictionary dot com word of the day often finds its way into my trash bin unread. This one however, is being read daily. I guess I won't be getting any smarter, but I feel more hip by the minute. Thanks for the heads up Turn.

Here are some of my favorites of late.....


1)errorist: Someone who repeatedly makes mistakes. Says stuff he believes is true, but anyone with common sense can see he's wrong. A dumbass.

Bush is talking on tv again. What a f***ing errorist.

2)Elevision:The act of people in an elevator staring up, uncomfortably, at the numbers as they light up when the car moves. Practiced out of nervousness.

When the elevator began moving, silence ensued as each person practiced their elevision.

Note: I wonder if there is a word like "peevision" or 'wee wee vision' ? The art of staring straight ahead at the wall while using the urinal. Perhaps considering the political news this week we could even call it Sen-avision or Craig-avision.


3)Mouse arrest-
Getting grounded from the family computer.

"That's it, you are under mouse arrest mister!" - Your mom after discovering your pornfolio

4)butt dial-
When your cell phone accidentally calls someone you did not mean to while on your person.

I called her a fucktard. She heard cause my phone butt dialed her.

5)Jill-off-
The female version of jack off: unassisted autoerotic stimulation.

Her boyfriend was out of town, so she got in the hot tub to jill off.

6)Dinner badge-
Dried stains of kebab juice, curry sauce or gravy all over your shirt from messy eating.

That's an impressive dinner badge you've got there. What did you eat, pizza?

7)Work hot-
A person that may or may not be hot, but is the most attractive person in the set of people you work with so you lust after him/her.

Person 1: So this new girl at your work is she hot?Person 2: Hell yeah...well I mean she's work hot.

8)nano-nap-
An unintentional, seconds-long nap that you take most often in class or a really boring meeting. So short that usually nobody but you notices.

I caught myself taking a nano nap on that conference call.

9)Puma-
An attractive woman in her late 20s or early 30s. She is a pre-cougar/urban cougar.

I think that puma just grabbed my ass.

And possibly my favorite one of all

10)Ignoranus-
A person who is not only ignorant, but is also an asshole.


Hope everyone has had a great weekend and has a happy safe labor day.

BD

Michael Vick Jury selected

No wonder he plead guilty.


BD

joke of the day

When girls don't put out!!This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!This is really funny!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.FOR EXAMPLE:One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.lol

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

into the world of the unknown

Maybe it is the alcohol. Maybe it is a lack of sleep. Maybe it is just delusions of thinking I can actually pull it off, but as you can see, I decided to try out a new look. I hate to look closer to see what I managed to screw up, but there isn't any smoke coming from my keyboard and the blog didn't disappear(sorry to disappoint you) so it wasn't as bad as I feared it may be. I see all my links(which were so carefully kept up to date at all times) are gone. That along with my 'about me' (no big loss). I am pretty sure I managed to back all that up ahead of time so hopefully that is an easy fix. Time will tell. Anyways, I have more work to do on it, but so far I like the look at least. I found a cool new site with all sorts of blog templates on it. I have them to thank for the new template. Check them out for yourselves by clicking here.(Blog flak). I think it is even fairly(though I am determined to prove), NOT completely, dummy proof.

BD

funny of the day

I just got this via email and thought it was funny so thought I would pass it along.

Do Elephants Really Have a Good Memory?

In 1986, Mike Hogan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty-one years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mike and his son Owen were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Crazy creatures

After careful consideration I have come to the conclusion that women are all insane. All of em! One of my best friends used to say this to me all the time. I would simply laugh a little bit, nod my head and agree. I had no idea just how right he was.


Exhibit A)
I pull in to work and walking through the parking lot I notice a strange car that I haven't seen before. Upon closer inspection I see that someone has carved the word "slut" into the hood apparently with a Key. I walk inside, and ask around about the car.

Claire:"That is mine"


Me: "Um, well, I know you have been getting harrassed lately. I hate to break it to ya, but someone has carved the word "slut" into your hood." I then back up waiting for the explosion I know is coming.

Claire: "Oh no, I did that."

Me: "YOU carved it on there? Um,,,,but why?"

Claire:(laughing),,,,,,"It's James' car not mine."

Me: "James, your boyfriend that you have been bitching and crying about for the last two weeks?"

Claire: "Yeah"

Me: "The one I seem to recall you calling a worthless cheating bastard, THAT James?"

Claire: nodding her head. "but we are back together now and he loveeeees me."

Me: "Back together?"

Claire: "yep"

Me: "with the guy you said had a 2 inch penis, still lives with his mother, and can't hold a job for more than two days. THAT James? WHY on EARTH would you get back together with that asshole?"

Claire: "Screw you! don't you be calling my man names!"

Me: "Okay, okay calm down, I am just repeating what YOU said last week."

Claire: "I know but it is different now. He is even letting me drive his car."

Me: "The one you carved the word SLUT into the hood of?"


Ohhhhh the irony.


I have always found it kind of comical yet sad to watch someone bash the hell out of their ex and then end up right back with that same person. Men do it to granted, but that doesn't make it any more understandable to me.

Crazy creatures you all are.

BD

Great balls o' fire

If you work outside for a living feel free to ignore this ranting post.

If you live in Minnesota or Wisconsin, or Boston, or the like and it is currently 90 degrees or warmer by all means, tell me to shut the hell up and ignore this post.

IF, However, you live as I do, in Florida and you are bitching about the heat I feel absolutely no pity for you. Shut the hell up and deal with it already! A few points:

1- Attention all you Scholars out there: It is a simple case of GEOMETRY you stupid Maroon! Generally speaking, the farther you move North in this country, the cooler it is. And the farther you move south? You got it, generally, the farther you move south the WARMER it is! Deal with it.

2- Now go dig out your map, google it on the Internet or even grab you a globe. Where is Florida? It is about as freaking south as you can go in this country. Therefore, oh genius you, it is generally going to be about as hot here as it is any where else. Deal with it.

3-It is called, drum roll please, "THE SUNSHINE state!" Not because you will be living in igloos. Not because you need to stock up on your Parkas and mittens. Not because you can plan to get lots of freaking snow skiing done year round. It is called the sunshine state because, what do you know? The Sun tends to shine which you got it, tends to make it hot. Deal with it.

4-This should not come as a surprise to you. The hints after all are all around you should you choose to see them. Go dig out your wallet or purse and pull out your license. Go ahead, I will wait. What does it say right across the top? That's right, "THE Fucking SUNSHINE STATE"! Okay so the "F-word" isn't in there, but give me time, there is a petition in the works.

5-Now dig back into your memory bank if you will. Close your eyes and remember events as they unfolded. You are driving down the road. Your family is in the car with you. All your earthly belongings are tied to the roof or in a moving van behind you. You look to your right and what do you see. There it is, that's right. A sign. Now what does the sign say?



"Welcome to Florida" yes very good, now what does it say below it? Do you remember? Concentrate now,,,,,,,,,,That's right, The SUNSHINE STATE! You got it! Now shut up and Deal with it.

'They' say the heat makes you a bit cranky. I have always thought this was just a big load of bullshit and an excuse. Then again, perhaps it is starting to take its toll on me. Every time someone complains about the heat or asks me "so is it hot enough out there for ya?" , I just want to scream or punch them in the head. My therapists though, being the mild mannered, court appointed bastards they are, frown on such actions. It happened again Sunday afternoon.

A large group of regulars came into the restaurant to have dinner. I, while making my rounds, went over to see how their meal went. I was told over and over that everything was just fine yada yada. And then it happened. Mrs. Lanski, while making polite conversation, asked "so is it hot enough out there for ya?" I had kind of already had this post bouncing around in my head most of the day so I am blaming it on y'all for what happened. It all happened so fast it is just a blur.

Me: "No not really."

Mrs Lanski: (enter shocked look here) "NO??? It's not???"

Me: "nope, I was hoping it would get about 10 degrees hotter."

Mrs Lanski: "hotter, but why? "

Me: "Science! I want to see if it actually IS possible to literally sweat your balls off."

Who could have known a group of 60 year old women could be so prudish? Who on earth could have guessed a preacher's wife would have no sense of humor? Anyone know any other good churches around here?

BD