Monsters

This week’s prompt for Sunday Scribblings is “monsters”. I had a lot of options as far as where to go with this prompt. I am not sure I ended up choosing the right one but oh well, it is the best I can do at 2 am. I suspect we all have our monsters in our lives. Whether it is a fear of sharks due to movies like Jaws, or ghosts from the poltergeist I guess we all have them. My own personal one is snakes but I am not going to talk about them at all. Nope, just thinking about them gives me the heebee jeebies so (enter George Bush Senior voice here) ,,,,,, “not gunna doit, not gunna doit”. Most monsters we grow out of at some point in our lives. Jaws and snakes and the like just make less sense when we are older. When we realize they are not real. My monster on the other hand gets MORE prevalent the older I get. He torments me numerous times every week and I just don’t know how to get rid of him.


I am being chased and my attacker is getting close. I manage to reach out in desperation and slap it away. Stunned it backs off and gives me time to gain more ground. Soon I am running through the woods with branches and trees slapping me in the face. I think that maybe just maybe I am going to be able to get away. Then I hear its loud piercing scream again and know that I was mistaken. It is still looking for me and soon it will be back.

I lie on the beach watching the waves roll across the shore. Who am I kidding? I am also watching the women roll across the shore as well. I rub sun tan lotion on, adjust my towel to be more comfortable, and close my eyes. Ah, a day off, with pay. I watch as a few children begin tossing bread to a group of seagulls. They flutter their wings against the wind and nimbly pluck the bread out of the air a piece at a time. I hear their pleasant chirping and lean back closing my eyes once again. This is the life. Suddenly the chirping gets much more high pitched. I open my eyes half expecting to see 4 million of them but instead the monster is back. Down the beach and heading my way. I throw sand at him and once again he is stunned into silence. I take the time to once again make my escape.

I am driving around in my new Jaguar convertible. I don’t remember trading in ole mustang sally but that is how things seem to go in this world. A gentle breeze is blowing through my hair and the sun beats down on the top of my head. I watch as a group of attractive ladies crosses in front of my car and am pleased to see one of them looking back to flirt with me. I smile back and try to think of something witty to say. Just as I do, a loud blaring horn invades my thoughts. I blink and suddenly I am sitting on the train tracks with a train bearing down on me as fast as it can. Sitting in the conductor’s seat is the monster and he has a huge shit eating grin on his face. You thought you had lost me that grin seems to say. I fight with the ignition, and finally get the car started. Looking back and giving him the single finger salute I peel away. Narrowly escaping him yet again I begin to relax.

Now I am back in the woods. Taking in the scenery of the surrounding mountains. There are no mountains in Florida where I live, but oh well, that is how things seem to work in this world. I watch as a few butterflies take flight from the flowers in front of me. Beautiful I think. I love Mother Nature, at least when she is in a good mood. I hear something snap behind me and turn around just in time to see a bear standing on its hind legs. It opens its mouth to let out a ferocious roar. I am puzzled to hear the roar is high pitched again, until I realize my monster has just changed uniforms yet again. He can change costumes all he wants, his voice will always give him away. I take off running again and feel the ground shaking behind me. I am pumping and pumping my legs as fast as they will go but for some reason I don’t seem to be getting any where. I look down and am somehow not too surprised to see I am running in quicksand. Oh well, that is just how things work in this world. Just when I think it is useless I come out into a clearing and have gotten away yet again.

Now I am falling. OH my God I am falling. The clearing was no clearing at all. It was a cliff and now my heart races as I tell myself not to panic. This works until I realize that I don’t have a parachute. This could be a problem, even in this world. Then I relax, as I realize I am not falling at all. I am diving instead. I don’t need a parachute cause I am diving into a pool filled with money. There are crisp 5’s , 10’s twentys, and even some 3 thousand dollar bills. Woohoooo I shall be rich!

I hear the loud scream again and look back down at the money. I fully expect to see my monster standing there awaiting my arrival. I don’t see him at first until he lets out another high pitched sound that this time is clearly a laugh. Oh no, that is no pool after all. That is my monsters mouth. Panic begins to set in again. Until I realize that there is a pattern going on here. Six minutes of peace, followed by Piercing screams, followed by me fighting him off, followed by six minutes of nirvana , and so on and so on the cycle continues.

Eventually I tire of fighting the monster. I endure his taunting laugh as he realizes he has won yet again.

Swinging my feet out of bed and turning off the alarm completely this time, I mumble. Tomorrow, Tomorrow I shall defeat you you bastard.


For more Sunday scribblings click here.


tags:Seinfeld,monsters,Sunday Scribblings,Red Sox,smartass,
tags:dreams,waitress,alarms,humor

Mom knows best

As I mentioned already in a couple of posts, Jason is having another shortstory contest. The object was to create a piece based on the above picture in only 250 words or less. There have already been enough submissions to make this contest a roaring success, but you still have a couple of days to join and make it even better. Either way, be sure to head over there to read some or all of them. I am headed there to read some more of them myself in fact between working on my post for this week's Sunday scribblings prompt. They really are quite good. A few of my favorites so far are from Flood, Rebecca, Jeff, and Fringes to name a few. Meanwhile, here is my submission.

Mom knows best


It’s over, it’s finally over.

Mothers are always right.

“You wouldn’t like it if someone did that to you!” She would always say.


I stood outside stunned at the contrasting scene before me. The sky was filled with beautiful clouds and the moon appeared on the verge of peaking through. I found it very hard to reconcile that sky with the destruction I was seeing. Tree limbs, roofing shingles, garbage cans, and even a large picnic table were scattered everywhere in our yard. I wondered who it belonged to and if they would ever have another picnic. A huge oak tree lay sprawled across the road stopping less than ten feet from our front door.

I recalled how scared I had been when the wind was at its worst. The trailer shook so violently, I thought the whole thing would be lifted up and carried away. It was as if a giant were outside and this time I was the hamster. Our trailer, my cage. I prayed for his mother to come along and stop him. Hearing the loud crash outside even mom had lost her cool for a second.

“We’re going to die” she’d muttered.

Recalling those words now, chilled me to the bone. I looked skyward, and promised to never shake my hamster’s cage again.

It’s over, it’s finally over.

“Get your ass back in here!” dragged me from my thoughts.

“What is it mom?”

“This is just the eye!”

Mothers (gulp), always right.

tags:Lonely moon,shortstory,Sunday Scribblings,hurricane,smartass,
tags:writing,waitress,contest,humor

Even BD can do it

I woke up early this morning and even managed to only push the snooze alarm 11 times instead of the normal 26. Why? Because, thanks to a certain sneaky dog that can type I have had Pot roast on my mind lately. One of my favorite recipes is called ‘to die for pot roast’. I believe it was first posted by Mrs Mo over at copykat.com. In actuality, it should be called something more like ‘even Rob can do it pot roast’. So anyways my day went something like this.

6 am-wake up early.

6:07- wake up again….

6:14- third time is the charm ‘they’ say….

6:21-do my part to prove ‘they’ aren’t as smart as they think they are……

6:28-finally drag my butt out of bed.

6:29-beg, and attempt to bribe kash to go to work for me.

6:30- let kash out, telling her if SHE doesn’t stop laughing I won’t let HER back in.

6:31-leave the door cracked so she can let herself back in.

6:32-7:15 am-took care of the three S’s. Sh*t, shower, Shave.

7:17- stand in front of the mirror, flex and pose, to show off my awesome physique, since
We ALL know EVERY guy on the internet is 6-2 and 240 lbs of pure muscle.

7:18- tell Kash It is not too late to put her back outside if she doesn’t stop laughing again.


NOTE: to those of you that know me, A) get off the floor and stop laughing and B)If I don't look 6-2 or 240 lbs of pure muscle to you maybe you are not squinting your eyes enough. C don’t think I can’t put you outside with HER!

7:19- gather together all ingredients needed which are as follows.

-several small or 4 fairly large potatoes (note: you can use po-TAHT-oes if you prefer)
NOTE 2) attention Dan Quayle, you may use just one ‘potatoe’ if you insist but I don’t
Recommend it.

-1 large onion peeled and diced or sliced
***-five or six cloves of garlic (or be lazy like me and use jarred crushed garlic)
-Two celery stalks cut into slices or inch long pieces (more if you really like celery)
-1pkg of mushrooms sliced or whole (up to you)
-3 to 5 good size carrots (or again be lazy like me and buy a pkg of baby carrots already peeled And chopped)


-1packet of Italian dressing (dry mix)
-1packet of hidden valley ranch dressing (dry mix)
-1packet of brown gravy (dry mix)
- 1 average size roast

****The garlic part is not in the original recipe. That is something I added because I could eat garlic on ice cream. Perhaps that splains my singleness to a degree.


7:20-7:28- prepare everything as follows:


Cut up several potatoes, a pack of mushrooms, carrots, onion, and celery. Place in the bottom of the crock pot. Take one medium sized Pot roast and slice several holes all around it, and insert a clove (or teaspoon) of Garlic in each of them. Brown the pot roast in a pan on the stove for a minute or two on each side. Place the pot roast in the bottom of the crock pot. Combine one packet of Italian seasoning, one packet of brown gravy, and one packet of hidden valley ranch dressing. Sprinkle over the top of the pot roast and veggies. Add 1 ½ to 2 cups of water. Put cover on the crock pot, set on high and cook for about 6 to 7 hours or 8 to 9 on low.

Ta da! That’s it….you are done! The best thing about the crock pot is one simple little thing that I can personally attest to. You almost CAN NOT burn something in it without literally trying to. In fact, I consistently do this on days where I am doomed to both Hellay and hellbee. When I get home 15 hours later everything is still just fine. You just have to put everything in it and then forget it. The only bad thing about it is it IS slow. However, that can work out well. You can do as I did, put it in before work leave for a long period of time, and come home to dinner that is ready. If you DO happen to stay home while it is cooking I have one very definite suggestion. Leave the lid on the whole time that it is cooking. Avoid the temptation to remove the lid and try it out or check on it. This adds a LOT of time to the cooking process. In fact, I would say the most important rule about cooking with the crock pot is to LEAVE the lid on till you are almost positive it is done! The day continues…..


9am-arrive at Hellay.

9:15- find out that two other openers have called in sick. No problem, I’m having pot roast. Some of the big wigs are coming in, causing the managers to freak out and go into full ‘dog and pony show’ mode…….No problem,,,,,, I am having pot roast.

10:45- Get really busy……no problem I am having pot roast.

12pm- watch as one of the other servers sees we are out of spoons in the front, goes to the back, and comes back with the two she needs. Didn’t bring out a whole handful while you were back there as common sense would suggest? No problem, I am having pot roast.

1pm- Old lady at table 503 insists her hamburger is over cooked. It is not, but no problem……..I am having pot roast.

2pm- Clock out and head to hellbee.

3-12pm- Hellbee is really slow. I am talking library night slow. I make about 40 bucks. No problem, I am having pot roast

12:30- Arrive home, open the door and spidey sense tells me something is wrong.

12:31- Distracted by Kash who is quite happy to see me I forget about it and play with her for a while.

12:36-Kash says okay enough is enough and gives me the ‘you have been gone for 15 hours or so and I have to go NOW’ look. Follows it up with a leg crossing ‘I gotta pee really bad’ look you tend to see from three year olds.

12:37-Spend a few moments teasing her at the back door and give her the ‘see you aren’t the only one that can laugh’ look. She returns with the ‘I will poop in your bedroom’ look ending my fun immediately.

“Even that would be okay” I say. “I am having pot roast.”

“we, WE are having pot roast. She corrects me as she flies out of the back door.

12:38- Head back to my room get undressed and start to finally unwind. That spidey feeling hits me again. I ignore it again. I am having pot roast.

12:54-Remember me saying earlier (7:20-7:28am) QUOTE In fact, I would say the most important rule about cooking with the crock pot is to LEAVE the lid on till you are almost positive it is done! UNQUOTE.

Apropos of nothing whatsoever, as I sit here on my couch eating two $1 double cheeseburgers from Mickey Dees I must amend that. That is perhaps the SECOND most important advice I could give you regarding cooking with a crock pot. The first, would HAVE to be,,,,,,,PLUG THE DAMNED THING IN!!

Okay so maybe 'even BD can do it' isn't such a great name after all. For this recipe and more you can visit the copycat recipe site which has a link over there in my side bar.


tags:Seinfeld,pets,Sunday Scribblings,recipes,smartass,
tags:pot roast,waitress,cooking,humor

Lonely moon

No mom, I am not talking about getting kicked off the school bus for mooning that car.......


If you haven't already heard, it is time for another fiction writing contest. Jason Evans from The Clarity of night is teaming up this time with USA Today best selling author Anne Frasier. The idea is to write a piece of fiction in 250 words or less inspired by a picture that is posted over at Jason's site. The deadline for entry is Tuesday, August 29th at 11pm(EST). I will post my entry later on this week. Even if you don't plan to enter, head on over and read the many entries. If past contests are any indication, plenty of them will be quite good. For more details, you can find the link in my sidebar or just click HERE.


By the way, If you HAVEN'T heard about this already, SHAME ON YOU! You are supposed to read my blog everyday and twice on Sundays and I posted about it a few days ago. Just kidding obviously.....


not twice on Sundays.

BD

Tribute

Tribute

A few weeks ago in Sunday scribblings the prompt was “what could have been.” This was my immediate thought of where to go with that prompt, but before submitting it I chickened out. At the risk of sounding whiney, today being what it is I decided to go ahead and post it anyways(assuming I don’t chicken out yet again).

WARNING: If you are here looking for a funny story, some anecdote or anything like that I apologize in advance. This post is NOT going to be that way. That said here goes….



I don’t know what it is about this week. I don’t know why it seems to hate me so much but clearly it does. I don’t believe in astrology, or psychics and the like. However, if I did, I have no doubt my horoscope for this week would say something like “ prepare for hell.” I am pretty sure Madam cleo would tell me something like, “stay in bed all week you can’t do any damage that way.”

Today I would like to be able to take the time to wish a dear friend a Happy birthday. Thirty six years old today Finn can you believe it? However, I can’t. Today, I should be picking up the phone and laughing about how old you are becoming but I won’t. Today, I should be hearing about ‘no matter how old you get you will never catch up to me.”

But I won’t.

Instead I know full well that tomorrow marks another anniversary. The anniversary of your death 16 years ago in a German city so far away from your home or mine. Instead, I sit here and the sound of Taps playing in my head is all I will hear for the next few days. Such an oxymoronic(is that a word?),,,oh well it is now.

Such an oxymoronic tune if ever there were one. So beautiful, and yet so damn ugly at the same time. Instead, I will hear the final beep of the heart monitor and remember how it felt to realize the screen was never going to blip again, no matter how badly I wanted it to. Instead, I will watch your family in my mind shed more tears than they ever knew they had. Instead, I will imagine them somewhere in Colorado visiting your grave site and uttering a few words. Instead, I will ask myself over and over if there were more that I could have done. Instead, I will focus on the what ifs and wonder why am I still here and you are gone. Instead, I will sit here thinking about how easily it could have been the other way around had I continued just a few more weeks with the constant overdrinking.
The constant partying…….The constant stupid things we did in search of the next adrenaline rush…..Instead, I will sit here for the next few days and fight the urge to drink myself numb.

Instead, I will wonder had the roles been reversed would you have pushed harder to make me stop or would you too have been too afraid of preaching? I will wonder if me still being here is a blessing, a curse, or a little bit of both.

I hear you Finn. I know you are telling me that just because this is that time of year, I shouldn’t let it bother me. I know you are telling me ‘so what if it has been exactly a year since ‘the one that got away’, got away. I have no doubt you are looking at me right now, shaking your head, and telling me to “pull my head our of my ass and move on.” What I wouldn’t give to have you tell me to ‘quit acting like a woman’ in that beaner accent of yours. What I wouldn’t give for another chance to preach and sound like a wuss. I hear you my friend, but today that isn’t going to work. Today, I deserve the misery I feel. Of that I have no doubt. Today my friend I just wanted to let you know, you may be gone but you are not forgotten.

I don’t know why this week hates me so, I only know that it does. It is a week when good friends die way too damn young. It is a week when ‘the one that got away’ got away. It is a week when the old saying ‘if it can go wrong it does’ brings itself to whole new levels.

Joseph R. Finn III
21 August 1970 -22 August 1990

Rest In Peace my friend, I will see you when I see you.

Kash checks in

This week’s prompt for Sunday Scribblings is “the inner life of pets”. Sorry this post is a bit late but I had to wait for HIM to fall asleep or go to work, or whatever else it is you humans do. He is in the other room watching the Redsox/Yankees game. If history is any indication his attention should be diverted for a while at least. If history is any indication, he will be too busy pacing back and forth to notice what I am doing. I will try to get this in while he is distracted. My name is Kash and I am filling in for Briliantdonkey on this week’s Sunday scribblings prompt. I am an 8 year old Norwegian Elkhound and I live in Florida with BD. Check that, BD lives in Florida with me that should say. Oh I let him think he is in charge but make no mistake I run this place not him.

Rut roh,,,, screaming from the other room doesn’t make me think things are going too well right this moment. What does “son of a B**ch” mean anyways?

These humans, well YOU humans I have to say are so very odd. For instance, He likes to think that HE is in charge but let me tell you otherwise. Let us see. One of us lies around the house all day and the other goes to work to pay the bills for the house in which the other lays around in all day. Who is in charge? One of us, poops in the yard or in the park and the other walks around behind cleaning up the mess. Like that comic genius Seinfeld says, if the aliens are looking down on us right now and they see this happening who do you think THEY will consider to be in charge hmmmm??? Who is in charge? ONE of us does all the dishes everyday, and the other listens to him ask ‘why don’t you do some dishes while I am gone?” Make no mistake, he is right. I COULD do the dishes if I chose to. Hogwash you say? Dogs can’t do dishes you say? Well, I bet you didn’t think dogs could type either, but here I am doing so. Besides, why would I want to let him know I can do that? Next thing you know I would end up typing letters every day and get a serious case of dishpan paws. Thanks, but no thanks I will pass.


Cheering from the other room made me click the remote over from animal planet to see the sox apparently took the lead. Good, good for him. Now like I was saying I could cook dinner as well once in a while but I am smarter than that. Instead, I just snuck into his computer and doubled all the recipes. He is a pretty darn good cook I must admit but he isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer you know.

It is so funny, he may NEVER figure out why every time he cooks something he ends up with way too much for just one person. That is where I come in. I look at him and watch as he scratches his head with that confused look on his face. That look is priceless I tell you. I watch patiently as he gets ready to put the leftovers into the refrigerator. That is when, I just “accidentally HAPPEN” to stroll into the kitchen right on time. I wag my tail,look pretty, and break out my secret weapon, puppy dog eyes. Next thing you know, BLAM, I am eating chicken parmigan, meatloaf, pot roast, or lasagna. What’s that? That is mean you say? Nah, not mean, YOU try eating kibble everyday of the week and see how quickly YOU take steps to make sure you get lots of good leftovers.

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah I am in charge around here not him. Think about it. He scratches my belly to the point of making my leg do that weird ‘kick kick kick’ thing. What is THAT all about anyways? Does that sound to you like someone who is in charge or not? I rest my case your honor. Oh shit, sounds like the game is over and it didn’t go well. I better go hide this computer in case he is in the mood to break something. I better hide the remote lest he accidentally throw it through the television screen like that time back in '86. Kind of ironic that he did so after an error, but at least he can never again have a fit about any kind of throwing error. Who the hell are these ball players anyways? And why do so many of them have the same middle name?

Bucky "bleeping" Dent

Bill "bleeping" Buckner

Brett" bleeping" boone....

wierd I say, but hey I am just a dog. Anyways, catching me doing this won’t improve his mood so let me run! For more Sunday Scribblings posts please click here.

tags:Seinfeld,Yankees,Sunday Scribblings,Red Sox,smartass,
tags:rivalries,waitress,baseball,humor

just a little note

Hey all,

I am feeling a bit like smokey and the bandit today. I got a LONG way to go and a short time to get there. I have my fantasy football draft tomorrow and am trying to prepare for that(first time for everything). Also I am trying to work on a post for a challenge by Flood and Fringes in which we are using exact words from each of thirty different blogs to make a story. If you would like to give it a try head on over and check it out. What else? Oh, if you haven't heard Jason Evans is about to launch another contest this tuesday. I am looking forward to participating in another one of those and reading the great entries as well. The biggest thing going on is tonight starts another chapter in the endless series between My Beloved REDSOX and thier most bitter rival the Yankees. 5 games, 4 days,,,,, Lets get ready to rummmmbllllleeeeeeee. That is about it for now, I will try to post more later, but I have to get busy.

BD