Sunday scribblings 'my two cents'

Does my Butt look big?

This weeks prompt in Sunday Scribblings(http://www.sundayscribblings.blogspot.com/ is “My 2 cents.” I started off doing this last night with the intention of going in a whole other direction. When I started, my little post was like a caterpillar in my mind. Before I knew it I realized three hours had passed and I thought maybe, just maybe it was showing signs of wings underneath its opaque white shell. Will it turn into a full fledged butterfly? I don’t know. Certainly I HOPE so, but at the very least I figure I have an ugly moth on my hands.

As I was typing along deliriously last night, I was also wondering what the hell I would do for this post now that the other one had started morphing into something else. I have also been reading a lot of other blog posts, and stories lately that I have come across. Sometimes I make comments, other times I don’t. I have been trying to figure out the rules and such as far as critiquing them or offering my opinions on them. I seriously doubt that I am the only one that wonders about these things and imagine it has to be fairly common. Likewise, I imagine when I share some of my stuff with family, friends, or even on line, those reading it are wondering the very same things.


In his book “On writing” by Stephen King, he goes out of his way to point out that “there is no idea dump” where writers get their ideas from. He says something along the lines of usually, it is when two totally unrelated items click in his mind and come together somehow that is where he often gets his story from.

This morning, I sat here reading a few blogs that I enjoy and perusing the other posts from Sunday scribblings. At the same time I was wondering what I would write for my own 2 cents prompt. Finally, I was hoping I hadn’t upset someone recently by offering my opinion on something they had written even though I don’t think so. Then it clicked. Two unrelated topics coming together. “My 2 cents” and worrying I had offended someone by offering it. A post on just such a thing would work. How far do you go when offering comments, or criticism? Do you tell someone “hey I like it” when you are actually thinking that you didn’t? I guess two of the main types of things I am talking about are in blogs or regular story writing.

First of all, there are blogs which are fairly new to me in general. I have recently started to read a fair number of blogs. I have come across some that I enjoy and plan to return to on a regular basis. Some are well done but just not my cup of tea, and others I just don’t really enjoy at all. I personally try to comment on most of them even if I don’t suspect that I will be visiting them on a regular basis. I guess I figure if someone is going to take the time to post it I can at least take the time to say hello and let them know I was there. When I find a post or site that I really DO like, I DEFINITELY try to comment.
I try not to be critical at all on these though I do try my best to be honest.

Secondly, is actual writing related stuff. With this I am a lot more critical though not always in a bad way. Why? Because that is what I want when asking someone to read over something that I have written. Telling me “I liked it” when really you didn’t to me is akin to allowing me to go out on a first date with toilet paper stuck on my shoe or my fly open. It is akin to saying “no baby, those jeans don’t make your butt look fat go ahead and buy them” when actually what I am thinking is “wow she usually has a great rear, but those things somehow make it look like a house.” Telling people ‘what you think they want to hear’ instead of the truth may keep you from embarrassing them or hurting them at the moment; however it is going to cause twice the embarrassment and pain later. At least that is my opinion, my 2 cents for what it is worth. NOTE: I don’t recommend sharing the ‘house’ thoughts, but “no I can’t really say that I like those jeans” should work okay and allow you to survive the night.

How do YOU handle commenting on other people’s blogs?

How do you handle commenting or critiquing other people’s writing?
Are you brutally honest? Do you temper your comments? Do you only make positive comments? I am curious how other people go about this.

tags:Sunday Scribblings,silly,writing,waiter,my 2 cents,

Sunday Scribblings "Thief"

Sunday Scribblings

This week the prompt for Sunday scribblings is “Thief” I think most people have a fear of being ripped off or robbed. What we don’t tend to realize is that often times we rob ourselves of more than any criminal could ever take from us in a million lifetimes.
We rob ourselves from the opportunity to be happy. We allow too many other things to simply get in the way.

Work, school, that story you have been working on….

The could haves,

The should haves,

The might have beens and the wish I hads.

Loves lost, the job you almost had, the one that got away. The crappy job you still have.

What might be…..

We want so badly to let that pain go, and yet in some perverse way we need it to stay. We steal glimpses into the past when we hear a song playing on the radio that reminds us of a certain someone each and every time we hear it. We steal glimpses into the past each time we pass the bingo hall where Granny used to spend a lot of her time.

Oddly enough at the time we were too busy focussing on thier flaws to appreciate them. Oddly enough, at the time we were too busy wondering when Granny would be done and we could just get the hell out of there. We go through life worrying about the past, and the future so much that we allow the ‘now’ to be stolen from us time and time again. Truth be told, perhaps we actually give it away. We spend so much time worrying about what is 'wrong' that we don't bother to appreciate what is 'right'.


Old Mr. shackleford looks up from his garden to see what that sound is. He curses as he sees a number of military F-16’s streak by rattling the ground he is standing on so hard that one of his tomatoes falls to the dirt beside him.

“damn showoffs!” he screams holding up his hoe to the sky in a menacing gesture.

Tobi Jenkins yells and screams at the driver in front of him doing 33 miles an hour in the fast lane. He weaves in and out of traffic trying his best to get home from work in time to make it to the party.

Anna Jergenson steps off the scale, shaking her head. She looks into the mirror and hates the reflection staring back at her. She despises the child bearing hips, the stretch marks, and the 15 pounds that simply won’t go away. She can't hear those around her telling her how beautiful she is. Thier voices are constantly drowned out by the reflection in the mirror asking if she will ever be able to get her pre pregnancy figure back.


Janice Tobin, wants to scream as she cleans up the new puppy’s latest present for her in the middle of the living room carpet. She curses the day that Gene talked her into getting this mutt. “It will teach Adam some responsibility” he had said. Yeah right, look who was here cleaning up the damn mess.

Allan Gentry, slams his hand on the table and demands his waiter go get a manager immediately. When the manager arrives he tells him that “medium well is supposed to have a trace of pink in the middle, just a trace!” In spite of the free desert and the apologies of the manager he vows to never return to a place that can’t cook a good steak correctly and storms out.
Life goes on.....

Time passes......

Things change....

Things stay the same.....


Amy Johnson holds her little boys hand. She bravely fights back the tears as the bugler’s rendition of taps fades away on the summer breeze. She bravely fights back the tears and cringes each time the 7 impeccably tailored soldiers fires off a round in tribute. The tears finally come when Colonel Jefferson hands them a folded up flag and asks them to accept it with the thanks of a grateful nation.

Life goes on.......

Time passes.......

Things change......

Things stay the same......

A car pulls out of traffic onto the shoulder and turns its hazard lights on. A young woman gets out, walks along the shoulder to an area just in front of a deep drainage ditch. The hustle and bustle of life goes on all around her as she dutifully clears out the weeds and debris around a small bouquet of flowers and a plaque placed there by the side of the road.

Life goes on.......

Time passes......

Things change.......

Things stay the same.......

A young woman with an hour glass figure that all the guys love cries into her pillow and asks God over and over “why me?”. The words of her doctor echo in her ears like shouts off the Grand Canyon walls. “Unable to conceive”

Conceive,,,,,conceive,,,,,,cieve”

“There is always adoption,

Adoptionnnnn ,,,,,,doption,,,,,doption”

Life goes on.......Time passes......Things change.......Things stay the same.


Mrs. Tobin is holding Adam’s hand and they are standing underneath the old oak tree in the yard. The blue rubber ball that provided them with countless hours of ‘fetch’ is in his other hand. She watches as he lovingly places it at the base of the wooden cross. Turning his tear streaked face up to her, he asks, “Mommy, do dogs go to heaven?” “Yes honey they do.” And they can poop on the carpet any time they like.


Life goes on......Time passes.......Things change.......Things stay the same.....

As he is watching television, Allen Gentry sees a story breaking on the news. Authorities have found two children who had been locked in the basement with almost no food for months at a time. As the mal nourished children are led to the back of a waiting ambulance and whisked away he can not help but to think, just a trace of pink indeed.

For more Sunday Scribblings please visit http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com/

tags:Sunday Scribblings,silly,military,waiter,dinner,

Demental

Demental

When Dan finally arrived he was twenty minutes late and more than a little bit irritated. He checked in, apologized, and sat down on the couch with a magazine. To his surprise it only took a few minutes before his name was called. The new girl Janice, led him through the maze of hallways back to room number 4 and helped him get settled in.
"Doctor Tee will be with you in a few minutes."

"Thank you", Dan answered with a smile.

Bonafacio Tee, was from the Philippines but had lived in the United States for most of his life. They had gone to school together and were fairly good friends. “What’s up A-team?” Dan greeted him as they shook hands. Tee has heard some form of this greeting hundreds of times since Dan introduced him to that show back in High School, still laughs and says “I pity to the fool!” After exchanging pleasantries, he tilts Dan back in the chair and reaches up to pull the light in for a closer look.

Over the years Dan had met lots of people through Tee from the Philippines. Most of them, like Tee do a good job of learning English even if they never quite manage to lose the accent. However, while they are learning and are in that transitional stage, they use what Dan calls PhilipEnglish. This at times produces results that are quite funny, especially to Tee. He refers to this hybrid language and the people who speak it as ‘pinoy’. As a big fan of horror thrillers and sitcoms Dan’s imagination often runs away with him. Even when his body is clearly in the real world his imagination is off in shows like Friends, Seinfeld, and Curb your Enthusiasm…….

Off in a horror movie like Christine, the exorcist……

Off in a book like Lord of the rings, the gunslinger, or whatever……


On this day as they tilt him back and shine that light in his eyes, it immediately makes him think of a German interrogator saying “veeee half vays of making you talk.” That and the impending fear of being asked the question, “is it safe?” His mind somehow takes all these ingredients, German interrogators, Philippenglish, horror movies, and sitcoms and jumbles them all together to make some sort of weirdo stew. With this light shining in his eyes he imagines Tee deadpanning “Vee half vays of making you to conversate.”

“What is so funny?” Tee asks. Dan shakes his head to say nothing and congratulate himself great poker face there Dan, no wonder you always lose.

Dr. Tee slides effortlessly across the floor on the stool, grabs something and returns. Dan watches this and doing so brings out the little boy in him.

Wow that’s a cool stool. I bet I could sit on that, spin and make 33 revolutions before stopping or falling off dizzy!…..

I bet he does that when his wife or staff isn’t around. 10 years of schooling would be worth it just for that benefit alone.

I wonder if they have stool races up and down the hall after hours……I want to work here, that would be a blast.

Dan and Dr. Tee make eye contact and in Dan’s imagination they hold a bit of a telepathic conversation. Dr. Tee looks guiltily at him, once again reads his face and sends:

Doc: okay okay, I ‘forgot’ that over there on purpose just so I could roll over to get it and come back wheeeeeee!!

Dan: I KNEW it!

Doc: These stools are the blast.

Dan: I think you mean bomb Doc, These stools are the bomb.

Doc: Damnit! Even in telepathic conversations of your mind I speak PhilipEnglish?

Dan: yeah, sorry but I find it funny.

Doc: (leaning forward and telling him to say ahhhh) “Is it safe?”

Dan: (eyes widening in fear) what!!????

Doc: (laughing) “See? You no be the only one that can be a smartass.”

Dan: touché’ Doc, consider us even.



His assistant is to Dan’s left, in charge of the water pick and the vacuum straw. Dan thinks, not for the first time, that these things are being seriously misused. Have someone passed out on the floor and not breathing? (Enter shimmering lighting effects of imagination here)

(Nurse runs up to doctor pushing the big bulky machine) “Here you go Doc want me to charge the paddles?

Doc: “No no, get that out of date piece of crap out of here! This is a bad one, time to bring in the big guns.”

Nurse: “you mean?”

Doc: “yes, get the Dental vacuum straw thingy! Quick! We are losing him!”

Nurse inserts straw into patients mouth, Doctor grabs his lips, begins to close them around it and out of old habits screams “Clear!”

Nurse: “Doc, you know you don’t have to ‘clear’ with this thing. It is the T7400!

The doctor closes the patient’s lips around the tube. The patient’s body convulses like it has suddenly been possessed by the demon in the exorcist. Heart, liver, kidneys and various body parts cling to each other trying not to get sucked out like spaceships into a black hole……..

A few terrifying seconds pass in utter silence. Then the heart monitor begins to beep yet again. Doctor, patient, nurse and on lookers breath a huge sigh of relief. The T7400 has come through yet again.

Back to reality:
Doctor Tee, Dan sees is on his right and presumably is handling all the important tools. The lovely Janice, is still on his left assisting when necessary. Hmmm no ring he thinks, I wonder if she would be interested in me?

The Novocain has set in completely by now. Dan is not sure where exactly his bottom lip is, but last time he felt it, it was hanging down around his nipples. Janice hands Dr. Tee the tiny metal pick that reminds him of Doctor Hook’s prosthetic hand from the old cartoon. He must have flinched a bit because Tee asks him if he is alright.

“Yeah I am fine” Dan tries to say.

Between the Novocain, having his mouth open, and squirts of water threatening to drown him at any moment, it comes out more like “ahhhhhh imbbb bind. They begin drilling, cleaning or whatever it is they were doing at that moment. Dan has no idea, since his eyes have been closed for the most part and he is trying and failing to get his imagination to take him somewhere like a beach to relax. He doesn’t want to open them for fear of seeing them coming at him with the actual Sears and Roebuck circular table saw that the evil part of his mind insists on producing. Screw you Stephen King I will never buy another of your books!

Sensing a brightening sensation, he opens his eyes to see they have pulled the light down even farther and are both peering into the depths of his open mouth. Damn, she IS cute. He fights the urge to laugh as something he has never considered before pops into his brain. Ahhhhh crap, I hope I don’t have any boogers in my nose. Nothing ruins the chances quicker than that.

He thinks of all the times as a bartender or waiter or on his blog he has wondered something along the lines of ‘why don’t people use a little courtesy and all ask for a refill while I am at the table? Why do they wait till I get back with one before the other pipes up, ‘oh I will have some more tea too?”

Great, she will be posting on her blog called ‘dental rant’ about the Jackass with the boogers who made it into the chair today! She will be asking her readers why people don't make an effort to avoide that since from their perspective they have a total view of the nostrils when someone is in the chair.

He is shaken out of this reverie by Janice who squirts a bit of water into his mouth with the water pick and then uses the T7400 to suck it all right back out. Leaning back in the chair he wonders if anyone has ever drowned while in the dentist chair.

Wonders if she ever sees just how far she can push it before saving someone with the straw.

He considers swallowing but that bastard Stephen King warns him not to or it will cause his tongue to come into contact with the whirling gadget in his mouth, and surely lop it off. The sound of this whirring mingles with the sound of squirting water, the straw sucking, and his own attempts at breathing.

Dr. Tee(I pity the fool!) presses a button and the whirring begins anew as Dan feels something press against his tooth. The result isn’t quite dark enough to be burning rubber. Nor is it quite light enough to be fresh sawdust either. It does however, have the taste and or smell of something in between those two extremes. Dan drags himself back to that sandy beach, back to waves crashing in the sand. He even sees Janice there in the lounge chair beside him sipping on a pina colada with one of those frilly umbrella straws. The booger incident has apparently been overcome but when you get her drinking she won’t hesitate to tell people at parties all about it.

Dan is enjoying this daydream when his face being pulled to the right shakes him out of it. He opens his eyes to see Doctor Tee on his right and is stunned to realize he is staring directly at his crotch. Great, from one extreme to the other, come back Janice come back! His eyes are only open for a brief moment but what he sees he knows will haunt his dreams this evening. His imagination takes yet another leap. He pictures Seinfeld doing the beginning of another show.

“What is with people forgetting to zip up? I mean that happens to the best of us right? Have you ever walked around all day and found out three hours later your zipper was down?”

“Can you imagine being at the dentist and realizing in the middle of the exam that your Dentists zipper is down? Can you imagine that to make things worse, he has apparently decided to go commando on this of all days? How brutal would THAT be?”

Pretty damn brutal Jerry, pretty damned brutal thank you very much! he answers.

Dan winces at the thought and tries to turn away. “No, stay still” the doc warns.

“your pants” Dan tries to protest but it comes out more like “oaahhhhh annnnthhhh”

“what about your hands? are you okay?”
Dan darts his eyes over to Janice. He doesn’t want to embarrass his friend Tee(I pity the fool indeed!),in front of her but doesn’t see much of a way around it.


He takes a moment to beg his bottom lip to come back just for a moment. He begs for a chance to get the straw and vacuum out of the way so he can talk normally. His begging goes unanswered. He motions tee in close.

“your pants” he tries to whisper. “Oahhhh anthhhh, oahhhh annthhhh ahhhh ohhhfen”

“what? I am sorry, but I can’t understand you.”

This clearly isn’t working so he tries another approach. “ennnithhhh!”

A confused look crosses their faces and it is clear this may be hopeless.

“ethhhhhhhhhh”

“eggs?” Dan shakes his head in frustration. By the grace of God Janice is called to the front desk. Tee tells her to go ahead and see what is going on. As soon as she is gone Dan tries again, finally at least not having to be quiet about it.

“eddddttttttth, iiiiiiiiiiiiiii,,,,,,,,,thheeeeeeeee”

Taking the straw and the drill out of Dan’s mouth, Tee still looks at him totally confused.

Finally in exasperation, Dan sits up and shouts, “XYZ you bastid, XYZ!”

Vee half vays of makin you conversate indeed!

tags:Seinfeld,dentist,bartender,waiter,pinoy,
tags:smartass,waitress,Stephen King,humor

Sunday scribblings

Sunday scribblings

Every week a blog called Sunday scribblings (http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com/) provides a prompt which you are supposed to post or write something about. Whether it is poetry, something that turns into a story, or just what pops into your mind when you see the prompt, it is just something to get you writing. Looking for some ideas to write about? Head on over and make a visit you may be surprised with the result. This week’s prompt is “with baggage” so that is what I am writing about today.

Those words bring up a couple of ideas in my mind. The main one is baggage that is travel related. Suitcases, carry-ons and such. How is it they guy sitting next to you on the plane always manages to come on the plane with 17 bags, but you couldn’t manage to get two through? How is it you can go on a trip with more than enough room to pack away all of your stuff? However, when it comes time to leave and repack for the trip home no matter how big your suitcase is there never ever seems to be enough room. How does that happen? Do the people at the front desk send someone in to secretly replace your bag with a slightly smaller one that looks exactly the same? Is there some sort of alien species that beams themselves into your room while you are sunning out on the beach and shoots your luggage with their shrink ray? Are there Gremlins hiding under your hotel bed sneaking into your luggage and rearranging it? Do they unroll all of your socks and then re roll them to be just a little bit bigger each. Do they go through your underwear and do the same thing? Maybe THAT is why “make sure you have clean underwear at all times” is what mom always told me. I always thought it was so if I got in an accident I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I could even see the way it would happen clearly in my mind’s eye if I ever failed to do so just once.

Nurse: yes ma’am your son is on the way to the hospital.
Mom: Oh my , is he okay???
Nurse: Well ma’am the car apparently flipped over 18 times, landed in a pond, sank to the bottom where he stayed for 8 minutes and 22 seconds.

Mom: I will be right there! Is he going to be okay???

Nurse: yes ma’am he is okay, he is bruised battered, and will have a long recovery to deal with but ummm ohhh never mind.”
Mom: “what? what is it? Give it to me straight doc.”
Nurse: “well, ma’am he is going to be okay but ,,,,but didn’t you ever tell him to always wear clean underwear?
Mom: “I’m gonna kill him!”

So I always made sure to heed that advice. Now looking back I wonder if she knew about the whole baggage problems I would face when I grew up. Did she maybe know about these gremlins, rogue desk clerks, and aliens? Was she just once again trying to save me the embarrassment of having jenyak the alien up in his spaceship laughing and telling stories of the humans? Was she trying to save me the embarrassment or her?

tags:Sunday Scribblings,silly,bartender,waiter,dinner,

Sharpest knife in the drawer?

Sharpest knife in the drawer

I was over reading INSANE waiter’s blog tonight and his latest post entitled “Quote” reminded me of something that happened a long time ago. If you would like to check out his blog(another of my favorites), it can be found at http://allprowaiter.blogspot.com/.

So I am working thanksgiving several years ago. It may have actually been Christmas I am not sure but I am pretty sure it was Thanksgiving. Ahhhh Thanksgiving and Christmas, the two BUSIEST days of the year. I don’t think I will EVER understand that if I live to be 400. I won’t go into my “why the HELL are we open on those days when employees should be home with their families diatribe, but it isn’t because I don’t want to. I will ask though, doesn’t ANYONE have thanksgiving or Xmas dinner with their families at home anymore? I just can NOT imagine for the life of me the idea of having missed those days with family growing up. Turkey with all the trimmings, football(both on tv and in the street with the family), and passing out on the couch, floor, or dining room chair for the best nap of the year. I don’t see how going out to eat, no matter where you go could EVER be anywhere NEAR as good or make such an impression.

Anyways, back to the story……It is Thanksgiving, and as usual we have done the place up quite nicely. We are serving a rather nice Thanksgiving day buffet. The buffet has Turkey, ham, all the fixins, and is decorated quite nicely. We are getting pretty busy, and I am pretty much in the middle of the weeds. For those of you that may not know, “weeds’ or ‘in the weeds” is restaurant talk for really freaking busy. Think, stuck in the middle of the ocean, your boat has sunk with no land in sight, and you are getting really tired from treading water. I imagine sometimes that must feel about the same as knowing you are ‘in the weeds.’ Now,,,imagine, the coast guard shows up, you are about to be saved, but instead of tossing you a life preserver, they throw you a 20 pound brick. Sometimes, I think THAT must feel about the same as being ‘DEEP in the weeds’. So there I am , running back and forth, barely treading water, the buffet is being eaten as fast as we can restock it, when one of my tables calls me over. Great, I think, here come the complaints.

“yes sir? What can I do for you?” I ask the man with 3 plates STACKED with food. Hmmm now I know why the buffet is running short. Over here folks, we seem to have moved the buffet, sorry for the confusion.

"waiter, THIS, is unacceptable” he almost screams at me around the mouth full of food he has shoveled into his grill. I glance at his three humongous plates of food, involuntarily and then realize I am as busted doing so as a man getting caught staring at a beautiful woman. What’s the matter sir, 3 pounds of turkey isn’t enough?

“I am sorry sir, we are bringing out more food as quickly as we can get it out here, but it will probably be a few minutes.”

Lifting up his dinner roll, he bangs it on the table, producing a sound that only in hindsight, is reminiscent of a whiffle ball bat striking the table.
“Oh my” I stammer as my mind shifts immediately into damage control. Okay maybe he isn't just being an asshole after all. I am already thinking, this is going to cost a free drink, or dessert minimum, and possibly comping the entire dinner but lets see if I can save it.

I am horribly embarrassed because he is correct. Rolls THIS stale are absolutely inexcusable. My first thought was damn I know they(the cooks), are busy but who in their right mind would put that out on the buffet?

“I am really sorry sir, I, I, ummm you are right that is beyond unacceptable, let me see if I can get you some more bread.”

“Please do” he says louder, and proceeds to bang it on the table a few more times. Other tables are starting to look his way, and much to my chagrin he seems to enjoy the attention.

I head back to the buffet and go behind the line to where the bread is. Hmmm it is not empty, don’t tell me they filled that thing up with more of the same. I open up the bread basket grab a couple more with the tongs and am pleasantly surprised to see they are quite fresh. Maybe this can be salvaged after all. No sooner is this thought out of my mind than I hear another loud banging, and look up to see him announcing:

“see this? THIS is the kind of bread they are serving here! You would think for $16.95 they could do better than this!”

that's two votes for asshole and one for legitimate complaint and suddenly the ever tricky option C) all the above is getting votes as well.....

I am now all but running back out to the table, fresh bread in hand and fully prepared to have his whole meal comp’d just to make him shut up. I am also thinking of various ways to torture whichever cook was responsible for it. My mind's eye flashes on ideas of firing squads and poison but discards them immediately. Stoned to death is the obvious choice. By the very bread they put on the buffet. I DO love irony after all.

As I get back to the table I see that one of the plates is empty, and hand him the fresh rolls and whisper.

“I am really really sorry sir, here are some fresh rolls for you.” And your meal…..

“well you should be!” He interrupts me louder than ever. Thank you sir for that nice view of half chewed turkey,stuffing and mashed potatoes...

he continues, “you know, I am not a genius or anything but I would say if you didn’t leave them laying out in the open like that they wouldn’t end up like this.”

As he Bangs the roll on the table again for emphasis, I hear that whiffle ball bat sound again,,,,but still as of yet things haven’t clicked in my mind. All I am thinking is wow that is some stale freakin bread! That and damnit, if he would just put it down for half a second I could grab it but I may be forced to snatch it directly out of his hand.

“yes sir,” I start to turn away then turn back and ask,

“wait, what do you mean leave them out like that sir? They are covered except when guests are getting them.”

“no they aren’t , they are laying out in the open all over the place. And why would you put them way up on top like that anyways? That is just dumb.”

I look over at the buffet where he is pointing. As I said before, it is decorated quite nicely. All around the top of the buffet, are Horns a plenty, fruit, vegetables and such. When I say, ‘on top of the buffett’ I mean on TOP of the sneeze guard,,,,like eye level. Now, I take a moment to tell myself not to laugh too hard and actually succeed for a moment……only a moment. Have you ever tried NOT to laugh when something strikes you as funny? Telling yourself not to is like someone saying "don't look down'. Besides, i have re-tallied the votes in my head and 'asshole' and 'all the above' are so far ahead even Floridians don't need a recount. So i start of giggling, and before long am laughing hysterically. Other customers are looking at me like I have lost it and in a way I suppose I had. Meanwhile,he is getting more and more angry.

“I want to see a manager!” he exclaims. “This is preposterous!”

“um sir” finally trying to gather my senses, “I am sorry that I am laughing but I don’t think you really want to do that.”

“Why not?”, slamming his hand on the table. “I want to see a manager!”

“okay sir, but first, can I see that roll for a second?” By now,a waitress has already gone to get the manager who is walking into the dining room. The gentleman in question sees him coming and apparently decides it is safe to hand me the evidence now. I take the roll bang it on the table again with a giggle. This time I recognize the whiffle ball sound for what it is, but I am still thinking it can't be! I take the knife from the table next to him, slice it open, and place it back on the table. Don't laugh BD dont laugh,,,,

"Sir, this roll along with all the other stuff around the top of the buffett is only meant for decoration."

Needless to say there was no free dessert, drink or comp'd meal.

So, if you have ever been to the store and bought a package of say sheets and found one of those little freshness packets in them you have probably seen some version of the following printed on them. “this packet is intended to help preserve the fabric, please do not ingest as doing so may make you sick.”

Have you ever seen this warning and like me wondered who the hell would be stupid enough to eat it? Have you ever wondered just how many people had to make that mistake before the company agreed to spend the money on warning against such blatant stupidity? Well, it is safe to say that i have once met one of those people responsible.

tags:stupidity,thanksgiving,bartender,waiter,dinner,
tags:holiday,waitress,restaurant,humor

Anatomy of a Restaurant part II

Anatomy of a Restaurant part II

It is 230 am and I am wide awake. I made the common mistake (for me at least) of falling asleep at about 6 pm and now will surely be up all damn night. Making things worse, the power went out about an hour ago even though there isn’t the slightest sign of bad weather to be seen and it is hotter than hell. Oh well sorry for the whining, I guess I will pass the time by writing a blog entry and hope to get it done before my battery runs out and I am left with nothing else to do. Considering where this blog topic is going that little rant maybe Karma’s way of telling me that I am one of the people I am about to talk about. Anyways,,,,,This is just a continuation of an earlier post. Let’s face it I could do 20 pages on this stuff and still not cover it all, but what the hell I will try. Anyways, here are some more.


Bitchers: As the name implies these are the people who never EVER stop bitching about one thing or the other. You can try and try but no matter what you do you simply can NOT make them happy. I mean literally, if you walked up to them and gave them a million dollars I promise you within twenty minutes they would bitch about the taxes they were going to have to pay on it. It is too hot, too cold, too busy, too slow, I only have old people sitting in my section tonight….

Damnit why do I get stuck with all the saltine crunching kids?.........

Memo to all the bitchers out there. Take a minute to think for a second and look around you. You know that feeling when you lodge a legitimate complaint,,,,,lets just say the cooks really DID just intentionally put a fly in your table’s soup. You know that feeling that your manager doesn’t care? That is not true. Of COURSE your manager cares and wants to know that the cooks are deliberately putting flies in your table’s soup. The problem is they DON’T hear you. Let us take a moment to list a few of your complaints on any typical day or week and see what your what your manager is really thinking. Come with me if you will…..

Complaint 1:Manager, I keep getting sat with only old people in my section.

Answer: Everyone gets their share of old people tables. Newsflash: if you got to
Pick the tables you waited on EVERYONE would pick the rich ones!

Complaint 2: Manager, This damn vacuum is a piece of crap, how come we can’t get any decent equipment to work with around here?

Answer: hmmm that’s a tough one, could that have anything to do with the Rib bones you ran over repeatedly yesterday instead of bending down to pick them up??? A little common sense goes a long way you know.

Complaint 3: Oh,Manager? why do we have 8 people on the floor in the middle of a slow shift? I am broke and need to make some damn money!
Answer: Because, we thought it was going to be a busier day. Sorry, the the batteries in the crystal ball are low.


Complaint 4: Manager, why do we only have 3 people on the floor and now we are freaking slammed!
Answer: weren’t you the one that was bitching about too many people just yesterday? Oh,I mean, Sorry again, this damn crystal ball sucks! I will see if I can order a new one. Better yet, tomorrow I will call madam cleo before I come to work!

Complaint 5: Manager, I am soooooo broke I hope I get to make some money today!
Answer: we should be pretty busy I would think, and that comes from Madame Cleo herself!!
Manager, I need to get out of here early if possible though okay???
Answer: So you need to make money, but you don’t want to work for it? May I suggest a nice cardboard ‘will work for food sign’ and the corner of 3rd and 17th?

Complaint 6: oh manager, why do I always get stuck with the two year olds ? They always end up spilling saltines all over the damn place!
Answer: yes , yes they do that is true, but they aren’t old people!

And on and on and on……

So, if you feel like your manager is ignoring you when you make a legitimate complaint, take a moment to think. Every restaurant has at least one(usually more) bitchers on the staff.

If you are not sure who the bitcher is , there is a chance that it might be you.

If you are telling them that the cooks are putting flies in your table’s soup and they don’t seem to be interested, there is a chance that it might be you.

If both of these seem to be the case, congratulations it IS you. Stop bitching so damned much about anything and everything and they might, MIGHT just stop tuning you out completely. I won’t but perhaps they will.

Remember how your parents used to always say something along the lines of ‘when you grow up and get married I hope you have 6 kids just like you you little shit? If there really IS any such thing as Karma in this world, bitchers will wind up being managers someday. When that happens, THEY will be listening to the complaints of servers, bartenders, and cooks that are JUST like they used to be.

Well this post got fairly long just covering bitchers all by themselves, so I will go ahead and post it and work on some more later. Hope you enjoy.

Briliant Donkey



tags:drunks,redneck,bartender,waiter,jackass,
tags:Red sox,waitress,restaurant,humor

First sports related post

First sports related post

So I have had this blog going for a few months now and something has just occurred to me. I don’t think that I have once mentioned a single thing sports related, certainly at least not a whole post. I guess today is going to be my very first one. Add to that that my first sports post is going to be about ahemmmm SOCCER of all things, and I would suggest somebody, anybody, call the pope. Tell him to take the next few days, weeks, months off. Why you ask? Because, for either of these two things to be true is VERY unlikely. For BOTH to be true though, that is a clear and undeniable sign that OBVIOUSLY hell has indeed FROZEN over!

I found myself here today actually watching the final of the world cup being played between France and Italy. Prior to this year’s world cup I had not watched 20 minutes of soccer in my entire 37 year old life. I have watched a good bit of it this year though and while I don’t think I will ever ‘get’ the infatuation the rest of the world sees for this game I guess I can appreciate it a bit more if nothing else.

First, let me preface this post by saying the following. You can take everything that I know about ahemmmm soccer.,,,,,,what’s that? Football you say???? Bahhhh humbug!
I hereby take this opportunity to use my ‘stuck up American thinks everything should be done America's way card’ for the first and hopefully last time. I refuse to refer to it as “FOOTBALL”. I know, I know, all they use in this game is feet so it should be football….

I know,,,, in our game we kick it, throw it, catch it, and everything else so it isn’t ‘football’….

Blah blah blah! If you think you are going to confuse the issue by bringing up facts, and making good points fuhhhhgeddddaboud it!

It is soccer! Lol

Anyways, as I was saying, let me preface this post by freely admitting to NOT being an expert on soccer, quite the contrary in fact. I have been to numerous, baseball, football, basketball games in my life and always chuckle at the lady two seats behind us leaning over to ask her husband something along the lines of “which color jerseys are we rooting for?’ In the interest of full disclosure and admitting my ignorance, I will say I AM soccer’s version of that lady. In the interest of full disclosure and further admittance to my ignorance I will say

EVERYTHING I know about soccer

Can be written in crayon on the inside of a matchbook…..

By a 3 year old first learning how to write…….

Six times…..

And still have plenty of room left over to draw a picture.

Ask me to name 5 soccer players, and even now after watching quite a bit of this world cup I couldn’t do it. Lets see, Ronaldino, Pele, Landon Donovan, Alexi lalas, and Zinedine Zidane. Well I guess I did get five but that’s it, that is all I can come up with.
Even as a soccer moron I have heard of this guy Zinedine Zidane(grossly misspelled before looking it up and coming here to edit). I have heard all about him this year and how he is retiring at the end of this world cup. From what I can gather he is among the elite of all time soccer players in history. I don’t know if that is true or not, but just the fact that I HAVE heard of him and he is NOT American (like lalas, and Donovan above) tells me that it most likely is true.

So here I am watching the match. Here is Zidane and his team in the middle of the finals, quite possibly on the verge of overtime. Here is this legendary player that even I have heard of. He is the captain of his team, on the verge of retirement. Here he is with a chance to go out on top and cement his legacy by bringing his team the world cup title. What does he do? He blatantly head buts another player in the chest, with little or no provocation whatsoever and gets kicked out of the game. Maybe the guy said something to him to provoke him, but even if he said 'your mamma wears combat boots' it doesn't excuse getting kicked out of the game.

Perhaps I am over stating things a bit because I don’t know a lot about soccer. However, the fact that I have heard of him alone tells me this guy is of the stature of Michael Jordan, Babe Ruth, Walter Payton, or Dale Earnhardt.

Remember Michael Jordan? You remember him leading his team to the championship by sinking countless game winning shots in the closing seconds? Imagine him being remembered instead for a moment of stupidity where he throws the ball at a competitor and gets kicked out of the last game. His team goes on to lose the championship without him. Congratulations Zidane that is what you accomplished today.

Remember Dale Earnhardt, blocking the way for his son or teammate to win the Daytona 500? Remember him ultimately crashing and dying as a result? Now imagine instead, him in that same race losing his cool and intentionally crashing into someone ending both of their races. Neither his son nor teammate ends up winning the race. Congratulations Zidane, THAT is what you have accomplished today.

Remember Walter Payton after years of struggling to lead the bears to the NFL title finally succeeding in doing so? Remember him going on to break the all time rushing record? Remember him fighting liver disease (I think that is what it was) and eventually dying from this? Imagine instead, Walter Payton, getting drunk the night before the super bowl and his team losing as a result of him not being there. Congratulations Zidane, THAT is what you accomplished today.

Remember Babe Ruth? Arguably even today considered the greatest baseball player to ever live? Remember him being traded from the Red sox to the Yankees? I know all of us Red sox fans do. Remember him going on to lead the hated Yankees to countless pennants, and World Series titles? Imagine, instead him punching a wall during a game, breaking his hand and having miss the rest of the season if not career. Congratulations Zidane THAT is what you accomplished today.

A chance to be a hero,
A legend,
To be remembered for all time for something great. Not just there in France, but world wide.

To be remembered along the likes of Jordan, Earnhardt,Ruth......

Instead you were in the locker room while your team was in a shoot out...

Instead you will be remembered along with the likes of Stanley wilson, Bill Buckner, and Mitch williams.

Instead you are the goat and will be forever remembered as such.

Not even worth the 2 minutes it would take me to go back and correctly change all my misspellings of “Zadane” to ‘Zidane”

I will do it anyways, but only because i am far to anal to do otherwise.

Congratulations Zidane THAT is what you accomplished or didn't accomplish today.


tags:world cup,bartender,zidine,soccer